26. Jesse

JESSE

"Areyou going to be close to Disneyland?"

Maddie rested her head on Emily's shoulder, her sad face matching the ache in my chest as I came inside for Emily's last suitcase.

From the beginning, the hardest thing I'd ever found about being a parent was hiding my emotions. Not only hiding the grief over my sister, but about life in general. I was blessed with a smart and all-too-perceptive kid who could tell simply by the way I was standing if something was bothering me.

Emily would be back. This wasn't college, where she'd be gone for long months at a time for four years. And what we had now was so much more solid than it was back then. We had a real life together, not just a hot and heavy love. When she was here with us, everything fit and fell into place. Something told me not to get used to it, but I figured that was just my childhood insecurities that I'd never be good enough for Emily creeping in.

I'd always thought that because I'd never been able to believe how lucky I was to have her for myself. While I trusted her to come back, that scared kid in me was still there, expecting the worst and wondering if he'd ever be good enough for someone as amazing as she was.

"I think it's a couple of hours away, but I wouldn't have the time to go there anyway. I'm going to be super busy, at least for the first few weeks."

"When do you come back again?"

Her question made both Emily and me flinch.

"I'm not sure. I may be able to come home a weekend or two in between, but I'll be there for at least a couple of months."

"Don't be so sad, kiddo." Caden sat on the other side of Maddie on the couch, his eyes full of maddening sympathy as they flicked to mine. "There's FaceTime and text, and before you know it, Emily will be back."

"That's right," Sabrina said, holding a large bowl of popcorn. "I know everyone is sad, but I'm sure it's going to fly by."

"Exactly. And while Emily's away, Sabrina and I will make sure to distract you both."

"And I will be the best subletting tenant and keep Emily's apartment nice and pristine for when she gets back."

The owner of the private house Sabrina had been renting her apartment from had sold it, giving her only a few weeks to find a place to live. She'd said she was grateful that Emily's departure had given her a place to stay indefinitely, and the word had echoed around in my troubled mind ever since.

"If you keep it nice and pristine, I probably won't recognize it when I come back." Emily stood from the couch and cradled Maddie's cheek. "But your uncle Jesse and I need to go if I'm going to make my flight. I need one more huge hug."

Maddie almost leaped into Emily's arms, and I had to look away, pretending I was checking for my keys. She'd taken to Emily so quickly, and with all the fears that played in the back of my mind, the thought of my niece losing someone else she loved made my stomach roll.

But she wasn't losing Emily, and neither was I. She'd go and do this amazing thing and be home before we knew it, although I didn't believe Caden or Sabrina when they suggested that time would just fly by. Sleeping without Emily would make every night seem endless.

Caden gave Emily a quick hug before Sabrina whispered something in Emily's ear. She nodded, meeting my gaze with a sad smile.

We were silent as we climbed into my truck and headed onto the highway. We had plenty of time to get to the airport, and I almost welcomed the traffic. Even if we didn't know what to say to each other, she was here and with me. It was a luxury I'd miss the second I dropped her off.

"I think Sabrina was going to play the movie Clueless for Maddie when we left. I was about her age when I watched it, so it's more or less appropriate and should distract her for today."

"Em, nothing is going to distract either of us from missing you. Caden and Sabrina are trying, though. I'll give them that."

Emily nodded and drifted her gaze out the window.

"Hey." I squeezed her knee. "I'm sorry. I'm thrilled that you get to do this. Missing you is an us problem. I swear I'm not trying to make you feel bad."

"I know that. I already feel bad. I told her we had to head to the airport because her sad face made me want to cry."

"Oh, me too." I locked eyes with her as traffic started to inch forward. "We just love you. A lot."

"I love you both. A lot."

I smiled, reaching for her hand and bringing it to my lips. When my mouth touched something metal, I turned her wrist around.

"Remember this?" Emily twisted her wrist back and forth.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a tiny soccer ball with black and white rhinestones. It was the bracelet I'd bought her for her sixteenth birthday. I'd given it to her at the small party I'd convinced my parents to have for her at their house.

"I figured it would be a perfect piece of jewelry to wear while helping to write a soccer legend's memoir."

"You kept this? You didn't donate it with the rest of my stuff?"

"I didn't donate everything. Yes, your hoodies were gifted to the local clothing drive when I got back from school the first year, but no matter how mad at you I was, I could never get rid of this. To this day, that was the best birthday I ever had. And it was all because of you."

"That was the first time I told you I loved you."

"Well, it was the first time I told you that I loved you, and you said it back. I was the jock, remember? We're aggressive."

I laughed, holding her hand as I steered toward the terminal with the other.

I plucked her suitcases out of the back of my truck and set them on the curb. I had about two minutes before I'd be honked at to keep moving, so I grabbed Emily and pulled her close for a deep but quick passionate kiss. It was intense enough for both of us to chase our breath once we broke apart.

"There is no such thing as too much texting or calling. FaceTime, phone calls. I don't care when or what time zones we're in. I always want to hear from you, okay?"

"You sound like you got it bad, Evans."

"I do." I took her face in my hands. "So, so bad, you have no fucking idea." I kissed her again until we both flinched at the blaring of horns behind us.

"I love you. Have a safe trip."

"I love you too," she said, cracking a smile as I spotted a lone tear trickling down her cheek. I stepped into my truck and watched her head through the automatic glass doors until I lost her inside.

I tried to reason away the ache from what felt like the same empty hole in my chest from twenty years ago. I wasn't losing her again. I hadn't thrown her out of my life and peeled away from her curb as fast as my tires could take me. When she came home, she'd be home.

I just had to figure out how not to lose it until then.