22. Emily

EMILY

Jesse's bedwas as comfortable as I'd remembered, but I had a better chance of sleeping on a slab of concrete than anywhere in this room.

I couldn't escape him here. He was in every single nook and crevice. It smelled like him, it felt like him, and all the memories that I had from the last time I'd been in this bed barreled over me every time I tossed and turned, and my weary eyes wouldn't shut.

Did I really think I'd be able to relax at Jesse's house?

I was exhausted in every way and all I wanted to do was sleep, but sleep was not coming to me anytime soon. It had nothing to do with the softness of his sheets or how firm his pillows were. Every time I'd try to close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else, the faint scent of his cologne would float up my nostrils and remind me of where I was and how Jesse was only a few feet away.

I'd get no rest tonight. I had a pesky thing called clarity to thank for that.

I'd had enough of the turmoil rolling around in my head. We couldn't stay in this limbo I'd forced us into. It wasn't fair to either of us—and especially not fair to keep Jesse on a hanging thread until I figured out what I wanted.

I was taking advantage of his guilt over what had happened to us all that time ago as an excuse for him to wait around until I was ready to make a move, whether I realized I was doing it or not. Now that I had, I was disgusted enough with myself to sit up in Jesse's bed and stop fooling myself that this sleeping arrangement would ever work.

That wasn't fair on so many levels. What he'd done back then, how he'd broken up with me, hadn't been intentional. In fact, it was a lot kinder than what I was doing to him right now. He'd made a clean break because he hadn't wanted to drag it out and hurt me even more.

Either I gave us a chance, or I cut him off. And cutting him off meant cutting Maddie off. The thought of doing that made my chest pull so hard, I rubbed at the sudden and sharp ache. At the beginning, I was drawn to her because of who her uncle was and the strong resemblance to her mother. But if I was honest with myself, I looked for her more than my other kids on the field every week for a lot of reasons.

I'd grown to love all the kids on my team and had even told Penny that I'd enjoyed coaching so much that I'd do it again next season, but coaching Maddie was different. I couldn't imagine living without her boisterous hugs or watching her eyes light up whenever she saw me.

I'd originally thought it was because I felt so badly for her since she'd lost her mom. And after Jesse's mother had pointed out that Maddie needed someone like me, I'd figured that was the reason why I connected with her so easily.

But maybe I needed her too.

Along with all of that, my mind kept drifting to the book Maddie had found and how Tessa could have known it was my book. Was it a random discovery, or had she searched for it?

I'd played it off to Jesse, but it was a little spooky.

After I officially gave up trying to sleep, I grabbed my phone and opened Facebook. When I found her still-live page, my heart seized as I scrolled through photos of Maddie as a baby, Tessa holding her as she beamed at the camera with so much joy.

I rubbed my bleary eyes after finding nothing but more sadness and regret. The messages of condolence posted on her wall hit me hard enough to close the app, not wanting to see anything else.

I'd never find a real answer since Tessa wasn't here to explain.

But what if Tessa really was wishing us back together like Jesse's mother had said she'd done the summer after we'd broken up—and as she'd insinuated that she was doing now. It seemed like such a silly notion, yet not really.

He'd been in town for the reunion because of Maddie. I saw him again because Maddie joined my soccer team, and we'd connected as friends for her sake. I wasn't big on signs or miracles because you could always write those things off as coincidence if you looked hard enough.

Maybe this was the exception.

His room was pitch black, other than a few slivers of light filtering through the blinds from the streetlamp outside. I could make out his dresser and wondered if my picture was still in his drawer or if he had shared it with Maddie. I was tempted to check, but even if he'd given me his room tonight, that didn't give me the right to rummage through it.

Besides, Jesse wasn't the one keeping secrets or being coy about what he wanted. He'd told me he loved me, and I'd taken that as a reason to run out of his house and away from him.

I was sick of running. Maybe I could sleep if I stopped.

I turned on my phone's flashlight and headed into the hallway, not wanting to turn on the hallway light and wake up Maddie, not that I could find it. A small night-light illuminated the top of the stairs, but it faded when I made my way to the spare bedroom door. I stilled, shining the light onto the doorknob for so long I saw spots in my vision.

Before I lost my nerve, I wrapped my hand around the silver knob and turned it slowly, cringing at the soft creak of the door.

The room was even darker than Jesse's bedroom, but I heard a grunt as he stirred on the futon. I felt around for a light switch and flicked it as I softly shut the door behind me.

I watched as it took him a minute to register the light in the room, his chiseled arms lifting out from under the comforter to rub his eyes. When I spotted his bare shoulder, I realized he was shirtless. I guessed that was how he slept both drunk and sober.

I set my phone down on the table by the bed and climbed in behind him, snaking my arm around his waist while I painted soft kisses between his shoulder blades.

"Am I dreaming?" Jesse's voice was groggy and full of sleep, but I could still note the hope in his tone.

"No, I don't think so."

He turned over, blinking at me with hooded eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," I croaked out, brushing the hair off his forehead. "You need a haircut, I think."

A sleepy smile stretched his lips.

"I'll put that on my list. Why are you here, Em?"

He opened his eyes, wide enough to scrutinize me as he waited for my answer.

"Why do you think I'm here?"

He caught my hand when I drifted it down his cheek.

"I'm not assuming anything, for both our sakes." He turned his head to kiss my palm. "I don't want to push you or get my hopes up. So, I'll ask you again. Why are you here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Is that it? You couldn't sleep?" he rasped, studying me without moving an inch. "Are you feeling okay?"

I shook my head, my throat too tight to form any words.

"What's wrong?" He dipped his head closer but still wouldn't come all the way. It was up to me to close that distance. My heart thudded in my ears as I inched toward him.

"I didn't want to be in your bed without you." I cradled his cheek and scraped my nails along the extra layer of scruff on his jaw.

"Did you walk all this way for a booty call? Do the kids still say that?" The corner of his mouth tipped up.

I shook my head and hooked my leg around his hip to draw him closer. He stared at me for a long moment before pulling me under him and rolling on top of me.

"I need you to be sure this time. So fucking sure." He settled in between my legs, his body quivering against me. "Because once we do this, that's it. I can't go back."

"I love you."

He stilled on top of me, eyes wide and jaw slack.

"Yeah?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the tentative hope in his gaze.

"Yeah." I nodded and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Say it again. I don't think I heard you."

I pushed against his shoulder to flip us over, curling my fingers into his hair as he narrowed his eyes at me, as if he was waiting for me to take it back.

"I…" I whispered, brushing my lips against his cheek and running them down his neck. "Love." I licked his Adam's apple as it rolled up and down his throat, his groan vibrating against my tongue. "You." I pressed my hands into the mattress on either side of him, trying to hold steady when the frame wobbled beneath us.

"Since that first day. And even when I tried to forget about it, I never stopped." I traced his lips as the rise and fall of his chest pressed against mine.

Jesse dove his hand into my hair, weaving his fingers around a fistful before he yanked my head back.

"Emily, please." His voice was low and husky. "Don't do this to me if you don't mean it."

"I mean it, Jess. I love you." My voice cracked, panic and dread soaking in with all the adrenaline it had taken to come in here. "But if you want me to go?—"

Before I knew it, I was on my back again as a wicked grin spread across Jesse's mouth.

"I'm never letting you go again. Give me that mouth," he growled before he crashed his lips into mine. I whimpered into his mouth as he cupped my ass and pulled me closer, his erection hard and heavy between my legs as he pressed into me.

"I'm about to break this cheap fucking futon. Get in my bedroom and take your clothes off."

His hand slapped my ass with a loud smack as he popped off the bed.

I stood and let out a gasp when he lifted me by the waist and hoisted me over his shoulder.

"You don't need to do this every time."

"Yes, I do." He opened his bedroom door and shut it behind him before dropping me onto the mattress. "Especially since I'm still not convinced this isn't a dream yet. I had to move fast."

He climbed on top of me, roaming his gaze over my body as he grasped the waistband of my shorts.

"I said, take off your clothes."

Jesse yanked down my sleep shorts and threw them behind him. I was so wet, I felt a chill between my legs until he swirled his tongue over my clit, digging his fingers into my hips when I squirmed on the bed.

I sat up, grabbing the back of his head as I bucked my hips against his mouth. I let my head fall back, digging my heels into his shoulders as I rode his face. Jesse dove in harder, moaning as he sucked my clit into his mouth and slipped two fingers inside me.

This was already on another level than I'd ever had with Jesse. I had been too afraid of losing myself the last time I was here and about what would happen to us after. Now that I was all in, I could let myself go in ways I hadn't before because I trusted us both enough not to go anywhere.

I was finally able to choose him—and choose us.

I arched my back as my climax hit me, grabbing a pillow to grunt into as the spasms took over my body from the waist down.

"That was the hottest fucking thing. Those legs," Jesse panted, dragging his lips along the inside of my damp thigh.

I was a puddle on his sheets, but I managed to pull myself up.

"Lose the shorts, Evans." I held his eyes as I pulled his boxers down, letting them fall with a soft swoosh against his carpet.

"I need a— Shit, Em," Jesse groaned as I licked up his length and wrapped my lips around his cock. I swirled my tongue over the tip before I took him to the back of my throat. I'd done this to Jesse so many times as it was the only thing we could get away with most days, but he wasn't the only one who wanted to show off a little skill.

"Em, please stop," he begged as he grabbed my hair to pull me back. I dug my nails into his ass, shaking my head as I sucked him harder.

"Fuck, baby…" He gave me a slight push back until he fell out of my mouth with a wet pop.

"I wasn't done," I whispered.

"But I almost was," he said, sliding his hands under my arms to pick me up and move me back on the bed. "I don't want to know where you learned to do that, but holy shit."

"Good?" I teased, peeling off my shirt as Jesse searched through his nightstand drawer.

"Too fucking good." He rolled on the condom and climbed on top of me. "And from now on, you're only ever doing that to me."

"Is that so?" I spotted his cheeks lift in the dark.

"Oh, this is it. I told you," he said, teasing my entrance with the tip of his erection. "Never letting you go again."

He plunged inside with one thrust, easily sliding all the way in. We both exhaled a long breath but didn't move, as if both of us wanted to feel every inch of each other first to make sure this was really happening.

"You're not dreaming, Jess," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere. You can move."

His chuckle rumbled against my chest as he glided in and out of me, tears pricking my eyes as he inched back and forth.

"Still heaven," he whispered, dropping his head into the crook of my neck as he picked up the pace. Sweat beaded on my temple and dripped down my cheek as Jesse's mouth found mine in a sloppy kiss. I lifted my hips, meeting him thrust for thrust while trying to muffle the creak of the mattress.

"Are you with me? I can't hold back, Em."

Jesse shook in my arms, slipping a hand between us to thumb my soaked clit. I came hard, digging my nails into Jesse's back as he spilled into me.

He collapsed on top of me, chasing his breath as he held up a finger.

"Give me a minute."

"Take your time," I said, dropping my head against his shoulder as I tried to slow my racing pulse. My body was wrung out and spent in every way.

"For the record, this is not why I asked you to stay with me tonight. I didn't expect this." He propped an elbow onto the pillow. "I sure as hell hoped for it, but I didn't think it would happen again for a long time."

"I know that. I didn't expect it either."

"I'll be right back. Just stay here, okay?"

"Jesse, I told you." I scraped my nails up and down the trails of sweat on his back. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You did. And I believe you. Just need to get used to it." He kissed my forehead and stood.

I turned onto my side, my eyelids already growing heavy as all the uncertainty and trepidation that had kept me awake began to dissipate. I started to drift off when the bed dipped behind me.

"So, can you sleep now?" Jesse kissed the top of my head and pulled me back.

I turned to face him, smiling at his tousled hair and sleepy grin.

"I think so."

He wrapped his arms around me and brought me into his chest.

"I said I was staying. You don't have to keep me in a death grip," I joked as I cuddled into him.

"I know." He dipped his head to meet my gaze. "I've waited a long time to be back here, so like I said…" He smoothed my hair away from my eyes. "I'm getting used to it."