20. Emily

EMILY

"I never thoughtthat sitting down for so many hours would be so exhausting," I told Jesse from the passenger seat of his car.

When the call from the hospital had woken me out of a dead sleep, I had been too shaken up to drive and had called an Uber.

Jesse had offered to take me home after Mom was settled into a room and mostly comfortable with pain meds. Her doctor had told me that I could go back home and come back in the morning. My mother had thrown me out when I resisted, yelling at me to leave and get some sleep.

After we'd lost my grandparents while I was in high school, it had been just us, but we'd still had our extended family. Little by little, our family had shrunk to only each other.

I didn't know if marriage was in the cards for me, especially after the way my engagement had ended. I'd figured I'd be permanently single but had no problem with being on my own.

But today, as I waited to find out if she was okay, I realized that I was never truly on my own if I still had my mother. If something had happened to her today, I wouldn't know my place in this world without her.

And that realization had terrified me to my core.

"Hospitals are exhausting." Jesse's voice pulled me out of my musings. "I know how it is to be there all day, sometimes all night, and those chairs aren't exactly comfortable. I always left tired, with a big knot in my back."

He chuckled, but his smile never made it to his eyes.

I knew he was thinking about his sister, and I couldn't imagine what it was like to see someone young and vital become so ill that your family had to spend endless amounts of time with her at a hospital.

"Yes, I still have a crick in my neck from falling asleep in the waiting room. I can't wait to change and get into bed."

Jesse pulled up in front of my apartment and shut off the engine, regarding me with a tentative gaze. I'd spewed out a lot in that hospital waiting room, surprising even myself at some of the words falling from my mouth. Fears I'd kept hidden far in the back of my mind rose right to the surface and had a crippling hold on me.

A weird weight had been lifted after my surprise confessions, even if I had no idea what to do about them.

"Thanks for the ride home and for…everything." I leaned over to kiss his cheek. "I'm glad you came."

"Me too, Em," he said, stretching his arm across the back of my seat. "I have a suggestion. How about you stay with me tonight?"

He held up a hand before I could reply.

"I will sleep somewhere else, and you could take my bed. Maddie would love it, and I don't think you should be alone. You had a long, scary day. We'll order some dinner, and we can hear all about the game that hopefully didn't involve any suspicious injuries."

I dropped my chin to my chest and laughed.

"Hopefully."

"We're here now, so you could go inside and pack a bag for tonight and the morning." He jutted his sharp, stubbled chin toward my door. "I'll make us all a nice breakfast and drive you back home. So, come home with me. I mean—" he winced, and I had to laugh "—come be with us tonight. Please."

I should've told Jesse goodnight. Staying at his house tonight would complicate things even more between us, no matter where I slept.

Dread filled my stomach as my gaze drifted to my front door. I didn't want to go home to an empty apartment tonight.

I wanted to be with Jesse.

And after everything today, I was too tired to question what I should or shouldn't do or what I really wanted.

Especially when what I wanted was pretty damn clear, even if I was afraid of it.

"Okay."

Jesse's head jerked up.

"Seriously?"

"Are you taking it back?"

"No, of course not. I'm just surprised that's all it took. I had a whole second part of the speech planned for when you said no."

His sheepish grin made me want to grab his face and kiss the hell out of him.

"Well, I guess I'm just that tired and hungry. And your bed is pretty comfortable."

I cringed when he arched a brow. His chest was comfortable too, and his pillows were soft and fluffy to rest my head on as Jesse plowed me into his mattress. But that wouldn't happen tonight or anytime soon.

Or it shouldn't.

"It is comfortable, and it's all yours. I can either sleep on the couch or on the futon in the guest room. I just don't want to leave you tonight."

"I appreciate it. Want to come in?" I motioned to my door. "I don't know how long I'll be, and I'll feel bad if you're just sitting out here in the car. Plus, you don't want to look like me, loitering in a car and casing the place, right?"

Jesse's head fell back with a chuckle.

"Very good point. Sure, I'll come in."

I padded up my walkway, Jesse's steps echoing behind me as I unlocked my door.

I'd picked this apartment because of its proximity to my mother and an easy setup for working. I had the far end of the living room blocked off for an office and a kitchen big enough to cook in without feeling cramped. Two large bookcases lined one wall, filled with old favorites and some finished products from clients, with pictures spaced out along my hallway.

I had one bedroom with an almost floor-to-ceiling window and a bathroom big enough to soak in the tub without my feet dangling over the side.

I'd always found it small but spacious, perfect for what I needed it for. But now, it seemed tiny to me—and stifling.

The usual familiarity of home felt like an old, itchy sweater, making me squirm until I could wiggle out of it.

I needed to think about what all that meant. But for tonight, I'd go to Jesse's house, somehow shake the urge to crawl into bed with him, and get some sleep.

I'd seek some clarity for this internal mess I'd uncovered later.

"This is a nice place." Jesse swept his gaze over my living room.

"Thanks," I told him. "It's small, good for what I need it for, right?"

A chuckle escaped me, my words so defeated and pathetic they left a sour taste on my tongue.

I headed to my bedroom, rummaging around the bottom of my closet for my overnight bag and stuffing it with a change of clothes for tonight and tomorrow. I tried not to overthink as I packed the bare minimum and slipped into my bathroom for a few toiletries. I stopped packing my bag when I felt Jesse's eyes on me.

"You keep looking at me like I'm about to combust or something." I narrowed my eyes as I shut my drawer.

Jesse smiled, propping his elbow against the doorjamb of my bedroom like every fictional and high school fantasy brought to life. The ones I fought against but that snuck into my brain anyway.

Even in a T-shirt and sweatpants, he was so handsome it was painful.

"Like I've said, I just like looking at you." The corners of his mouth lifted. "And maybe I'm watching you a little more closely to make sure you're okay. I promise I won't hover or push tonight."

"I didn't want to be alone tonight. I'm looking forward to Maddie talking my ear off and distracting me."

A slow smile broke out on Jesse's face, making him even more beautiful and calming me for a moment after my shaky breath left me in a whoosh. He'd been around enough for me to get used to the pull toward him, but the events of the past couple of weeks heightened my awareness of him to the point of distraction.

Staying at his house tonight was going to be an Olympic effort in willpower, my growing weakness already evident as I packed my toothbrush.

"I had a feeling. I'm happy that I could be there for you. I'm just warning you that you might be in for kind of a long night because I don't see Maddie going to sleep anytime soon once she finds out you're staying with us."

"That's okay. At least I can give her the sleepover that her mom always used to beg me for. I never had the heart to tell Tessa that my mom wouldn't let me stay at her house or go into why." I smirked at Jesse. "I did have a couple of sleepovers at her house, but nobody knew about them."

Jesse laughed, deep and throaty and sexy as hell.

"That is true. Only we knew about those." He lifted the strap of my bag off my shoulder and slipped it onto his. "Although I think my mother may have had her suspicions after taco night, but by the time she started to question things, I was already too torn up over losing you for her to punish me. I'm guessing, anyway."

His crooked grin slayed me like always. That was when he looked the most like the Jesse I remembered. The one I'd loved, and although we'd taken a big hiatus from each other's lives, the one I still did.

That was more of a given than a revelation.

"I didn't knowyou were coming over." Maddie gasped and almost knocked her uncle over when she noticed me behind him. She squeezed my waist a little too hard, but I bent to hug her back.

"Is your mom okay?" Maddie searched my gaze with worried eyes and too much understanding for a little girl.

"She's okay, but she'll be in the hospital for a few days."

"Emily is staying with us tonight. You can drop the ‘Coach' while she's here." Jesse smiled at me over his shoulder.

"Interesting."

I turned to find Caden sitting next to Sabrina on the couch, both looking between Jesse and me with the same wry grins.

"Can you stay in my room? I have a new beanbag bed that I use to play video games, but I bet you can sleep in it too." Maddie bounced with her hands clasped under her chin.

"Emily is staying in my room, and I'm taking the futon. I'm afraid I'll never get out of the beanbag bed if I try." He tugged at her ponytail. "We're ordering dinner if you guys would like to stay. How did it go?"

"Great!" Maddie scurried over to me. "We won! By, like, a lot."

"Really…" Jesse said, squinting at Caden. "By a lot."

"There was no sabotage. Relax. Your team was just fired up today. It was fun. Open to help out anytime, Em."

"And we have a surprise for you. It wasn't a big game or anything, but the team thought you'd like to have the ball since they won for you today." Sabrina handed me a soccer ball. "They all signed it for you."

"Oh my God," I breathed out, careful when I took the ball out of Sabrina's hands not to smear any of the signatures. "They suggested this?"

"Maddie and a couple of the girls did, but we had to stop them all from fighting over who would sign next," Caden said as I turned the ball around to count the names.

"They love Coach Emily." Sabrina wrapped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed. "And thanks for the offer of dinner, but we're going to head out."

"Yeah, they're great kids, but after an afternoon of yelling on the field, I want to soothe my scratchy throat with a nice IPA."

"For real," Sabrina sighed. "I want a greasy meal and a drink before I collapse tonight." She grabbed her coat from the rack next to the front door and leaned in. "But in case anyone calls me in the morning, I'll be up bright and early."

I elbowed her side and pursed my lips.

"I'm sure you will."

After Jesse shut the door behind Caden and Sabrina, nerves fluttered through my stomach. He turned to me, popping his brow as he glanced up the stairs.

"I'll take your bag up to my bedroom. You and the boss can talk about what to order for dinner." He flashed Maddie a smile and headed up the staircase. As my gaze fell on his hand as he held on to the banister, my cheeks and neck flushed hot remembering both his hands and mouth all over me the last time I was here.

"Did you know the diner delivers?" Maddie said, shaming me out of my graphic fantasy about her uncle.

"I did. I could go for a burger and some chocolate cake."

"Wow, I was about to say the same thing." She patted the cushion next to her. "Uncle Jesse can order on his phone. Did you ever hear of the Ramona books?"

"I love the Ramona books. They were the first series of books I read. Which one are you reading?"

"The first one. Beezus and Ramona. It's really good. I know it's not a long book, but maybe we could read it after dinner?"

My heart leaped at the hopeful look in her eyes.

"If Emily isn't too tired, I'd say that is a great idea," Jesse said. "And if she is, she'll be back so you can read another time."

He smiled when he met my gaze, warmth flooding my chest and muting that annoying voice of reason I needed tonight.

"Okay." Maddie nodded. "We decided on the diner."

"Whatever you ladies want is fine with me. Not that I was asked."

Jesse caught my gaze and winked.

"Oh, my grams found some of my mom's books this week." She popped off the couch and rushed over to a box in the corner.

"She highlighted a lot. We aren't allowed to do that in school, or we get into trouble."

"I notate. I mean, I have little stickers I put in my favorite parts of a book to read again. I never like marking up the actual pages unless it's on my computer screen."

She put a familiar book in my lap.

"This one has a lot of highlights, from the first page too."

It was a contemporary romance, one of the first I'd edited for Mary and the most common one I'd see on bookstore shelves. I picked up the book, a little nervous as to what highlighted parts Maddie might have noticed, as it was one of Mary's spicier stories.

"See? Look." She leaned over me and flipped open the cover. "This page is just names, though."

A gasp escaped me before I could help it.

"What is it?" Jesse asked, his forehead crinkled as he stepped over to us.

"It's…my name. This book is one of mine." I picked it up and turned it around to show Jesse. "Tessa highlighted my name. She knew."

"This book is one of yours?" Maddie's brows drew together.

"Yes. Well, kind of. Remember when I said that I edited books? I worked on this one." I tapped the page. "Your mom must've recognized my name."

I peered up at Jesse, watching us with tears in his eyes as his throat worked.

"She read all the time. With me every day, and she kept a pile of books on her nightstand."

"I must have just missed her reading days when I…when I last saw her." It was hard to form words as a lump in the back of my throat stunted the air coming out of my lungs. "I'm glad she grew up to be a reader."

"That is so cool. Your name is printed in a book."

Jesse grinned at me. "It's very cool. Emily was always a big deal."

I smiled back, so many emotions running through me, I had no idea which one to go with.

"I'm going to look if your name is mentioned again."

I swiped the book from her hands as she started to skim.

"I'm in the acknowledgments, but that's it. This is an adult book, so let's keep to Ramona and The Baby-Sitter's Club for now."

I cringed at Jesse and set the book back into the box.

"I'm a really good reader. My teacher says that I read almost two grade levels ahead, so it's okay for me to read an adult book."

"No, it's not." Jesse kissed the top of her head. "Go upstairs and get changed while I order us dinner."

Her shoulders slumped as she stood from the couch.

"Emily is here until tomorrow, and you can read anything else you want."

She nodded and trudged toward the staircase.

"Wow," I breathed out, reaching back into the box for the book.

"Wow is right," Jesse breathed out. "I can't believe she never said anything and figured out that was you." He jutted his chin toward the book in my lap.

"Not that hard to figure out." I chuckled, lifting a brow at Jesse. "She could have seen my name and did a search or maybe stumbled upon me on social media. All my pages say that I'm a freelance editor. At least someone in your family may've cared to snoop a little bit."

I drew a smile out of him.

"I'd like to have this, if that's okay." I flipped the pages and spotted a ton of blue and yellow highlights. "I've been thinking about your sister a lot. I wish I could have known her as an adult." I held up the book. "This makes me feel like I kind of did. At least, I hope she was mostly an adult when she made all these highlights."

Jesse didn't laugh or react as I peered up at him.

"If you want to keep it, it's fine?—"

"No, of course you can have it. It's just—" he raked a hand through his hair and shook his head "—I can't believe my sister is still busting my chops when it comes to you." A sad laugh tumbled from his lips. "I'm honestly not surprised."

I didn't know what to say when he flashed me a weak smile. It was a sucker punch to the gut for me too, yet a comfort at the same time.

"I'll order us dinner. I should just get a whole cake for the two of you."

"Okay. Here's two books."

Maddie plopped two books on my lap as my gaze lingered on Jesse, heading to the dining room as he scrolled his phone.

"I know Uncle Jesse said we could read after dinner, but if we silent-read like my teacher lets us do, I won't get into trouble."

She pressed her finger to her lips.

"That works for me. Pick any book you want."

She cuddled into my side and opened one of The Baby-Sitter's Club.

"I'm so glad you're here," Maddie whispered as she hugged my neck. "I hope you can come back again."

"Me too."

I kind of loved the thought of Tessa never letting her brother forget about me, and despite how I'd always thought he'd thrown us away, he hadn't. Even as a scared kid, he'd loved me enough to put me first, even if he hadn't realized it at the time. As a man, he was loving and protective and so wonderful.

"Should I turn the page now?" Maddie asked, squinting up at me.

"Oh, sorry," I stammered, leaning my head against hers. "Go ahead."

Jesse caught my gaze, a wistful smile curving his lips as he headed upstairs.

Fate was hard to ignore when it was this damn loud.