18. Emily

EMILY

I pulledJesse's shirt on, pressing my nose to the collar and taking a greedy inhale before I smoothed it down. Just like when I used to keep a collection of Jesse's hoodies, I had to roll up the sleeves. I had never been a tiny girl, but Jesse's clothes always dwarfed me. It had been my favorite thing whenever I'd wear anything of his, like I had Jesse draped all over me and, as usual when it came to anything from him, I couldn't get enough.

Guys had come and gone since Jesse, but I'd never worn another man's clothes, even the one I'd lived with and almost married. If I looked back with an honest gaze, I'd probably catch a lot of little ways that I'd been intimate with Jesse but wouldn't consider with anyone else.

As I grew older and wiser, I'd kept anyone trying to love me at a long arm's length but had never realized I was doing it. On the few rare moments I'd let my guard down, I'd been blindsided and hurt enough to keep a permanent distance.

Now, I was jumping back into the risk I'd avoided for most of my life. It wasn't that I didn't believe Jesse or that I thought he'd ever hurt me on purpose. Even though it was hard for me to accept, I now understood that back then the only reason he'd been so cruel was because he'd thought he had no choice.

As sincere as I knew he was, or as he thought he was, he still had issues to sort out. And while one therapy appointment was a step in the right direction, it wasn't an instant cure.

What if I agreed to another chance, only for Jesse to decide later that was too much?

I'd already fallen hard for both Jesse and his niece. Even while trying to stay away, I worried about him and constantly had to fight the urge to ask what he needed and how I could help.

I hadn't decided whether that was because we were meant to be or I just couldn't let go.

I headed downstairs and spotted new pictures on the wall behind the couch. I leaned in, kneeling on one of the cushions to get a closer look. I was familiar with the one in the middle of the wall. Jesse wore a cap and gown as he draped his arm around an eight-year-old Tessa. Had I not been there and taken the photo, it would have been impossible to tell if it was Tessa or Maddie by Jesse's side. I'd never seen a mother and daughter so identical.

One was more recent, with an adult Tessa beaming at the camera next to her brother. She was gorgeous and so tall, not much shorter than her well-over-six-feet brother. I tried to picture the little girl who'd loved to climb on my lap possibly a head taller than me. My heart broke for Jesse all over again as I fixated on the photo. Their love for each other was so evident, it was palpable.

No wonder his grief ran so deep.

"Are they crooked?" Jesse joked.

"I don't remember these photos when I was here last time," I told him, still scanning the wall. "Not that I had time to really take anything in while trying to get you in bed before you puked or passed out."

He laughed and came up behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Those are new. I only hung them up this week."

"Tessa was always so beautiful." I pointed to the photo of Tessa, Jesse, and Maddie at what looked like her college graduation. "She grew up stunning."

"She did. These photos were my first therapy assignment." He wrapped his arm around my waist. "Part of why…I was the way I was last week is that I haven't allowed myself to talk about her much, so Maddie didn't feel like she could either. I have more to put up. These are just the first batch."

"I'm glad it went well," I said, turning to sit on the cushion.

"It's only the first appointment." He plopped down next to me. "I should have started going on my own when I first took Maddie. Maybe a lot could have been avoided."

"Maybe, maybe not. I'm still proud of you for going at all."

"Thanks," he said, picking up my hand and lacing our fingers together. "I'm glad you still feel a little pride for me after finding me such a hot fucking mess last week."

"Well," I said, my dopey heart fluttering as Jesse skimmed his finger up and down my palm. "You did tell me you wanted to be my good boy."

His head snapped up. "I said that? Jesus Christ." He pressed our joined hands to his forehead. "Please don't tell me any more."

"It's fine. I let you say whatever you wanted to keep you upright." I slipped my hand from Jesse's and stood from the couch.

He gave me a tiny smile, his eyes searching my face.

"What?" I flitted my eyes down my body. "Do I have it on backward or something?"

"No, I just like looking at you." He cracked a grin. "In my house, in my clothes. It's a sweet kind of surreal, like when I saw you at the field the first day, only without the stomach-turning panic."

"I can agree with all of that. I like looking at you too. Now that I don't want to punch you—as much."

"You don't look like you want to punch me at all now." He stood, cupping my cheek. "Or before."

"I keep it hidden," I said, a nervous laugh bubbling out of me as Jesse inched closer.

"I don't know about that." He grazed his thumb over my lips. "You came in pretty fired up."

"When I finally decided to come here, I got pretty worked up on the drive. I still can't believe you did that tonight."

"Which part?" He framed my face, running his thumb back and forth over the seam of my lips. "Coming to stop your date, kissing you in the parking lot, or making you come next to my staircase?"

"You've had a busy night," I croaked out, lolling my head to the side as he nuzzled my neck.

"I guess I have," he muttered, running his tongue over the sensitive skin behind my ear. I felt his smile against my skin when I jerked in his arms.

"We need to talk," I said, letting my head fall back as he ran his lips down my throat.

"I know," he said, his voice dropping low as he fisted the bottom of his sweatshirt and dragged it up my torso. "And we will. I just can't stop touching you." He cupped my breasts, dipping his fingers inside the cups of my bra before yanking them down.

I should have been saying something like "No, we need to talk now" or "We need to slow down". The only words falling from my lips were "Fuck yes" as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, dragging it between his teeth before licking a path across my chest.

"You still love this, huh?" he murmured with my other nipple in his mouth.

"Mmm-hmm," I mumbled, grasping the back of his head as I tried to pull the rest of the hoodie off with my other hand.

"Need some help, baby?" Jesse straightened. His hooded eyes were full of a carnal heat I didn't remember from our younger days. A smirk tilted his mouth as he pulled the shirt over my head and let it fall on the carpet with a soft thump.

"My God," he said, his eyes wide as they roamed my body. "You're so gorgeous. I can't even look at you," he growled, diving a hand into my hair and crushing his mouth against mine.

"That's something every girl wants to hear." I laughed as he kissed down my chest and across my stomach.

"I can barely look at you because you're too damn beautiful. It's too much." Jesse skated his palms down my chest and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of my jeans. "It's always been too much, but I'm not giving it back this time."

My hands quivered as I delved them into Jesse's hair. I wasn't sure if it was from being so turned on that my vision was hazy or the promise of him not giving us up. He was right, it had always been too much, and I had no doubt that once he was inside me again, I'd be completely ruined.

But wasn't I already?

This was too soon, and despite knowing that, I couldn't stop it. Even though I had the urge to pay attention to every second in case I had nothing but the memories for the next twenty years.

He grabbed my wrist as I fisted the material at the bottom of his T-shirt.

"Upstairs. I want you in my bed—as nice as against the staircase was," he said before lifting me by the waist and hoisting me over his shoulder.

"Jesse, stop. I can walk," I said, trying to push out of his hold as I bounced against his back.

"I'm returning the favor," he told me over his shoulder. "You helped me up the stairs to get me into bed. I'm just paying you back."

"But I didn't carry you. Stop." I laughed as he set me down on the bed.

"Now, where were we?" He peeled off his shirt and hovered over me. "Right," he said, holding my gaze as he popped the button open on my jeans. I lifted my hips for him to slide them down my legs, but he stopped, furrowing his brow as he peered down at me.

"What's wrong?" I panted out. If we hesitated, I'd come to my senses, and the ache at my core was too in need of relief to entertain any of that.

"You're sure?"

I dropped my head back in frustration.

"You've got to be kidding me. You're backing out now?"

"Hell no, I'm not backing out. I want you so much I can't see straight. But I want you to be sure."

I needed a ton of time to work up to sure, if I'd ever get there at all. What I did know, and what I could never deny, was that my love and need for this man ran soul-deep. Deeper than logic or self-preservation and everything else I'd grasped on to since I'd lost him.

"I need you," I cupped his neck, avoiding his question with a confession. "Please," I begged, pressing my lips to his as I arched my back off the mattress.

His eyes glossed over as he smoothed the hair off my forehead.

"You have me." His lips curved as he reached around me to unhook my bra. "All of me." He slipped the straps off my shoulders before tossing it next to the bed. "You never need to ask."

He held my gaze as he sucked my nipple back into his mouth, pressing his hand to my stomach when I bucked my hips off the mattress.

Instead of almost ripping my jeans in half, he inched them down slowly this time, slipping his hands up my legs and over the insides of my thighs, with a mix of lust and reverence in his gaze.

He rose from the bed, tearing off his jeans and boxers in one swoop.

I let my gaze rake over his body, fixating on his long, hard cock as it bounced against his stomach.

"Like what you see, Legs?" He climbed back on the bed after he rummaged through his nightstand drawer. He held up a foil packet and tore it open, rolling it on his hard length as he smirked at me.

"You're all right," I tried to tease as I wrapped my legs around his waist, smiling at the groan rising from his throat as I clenched them tighter.

"Are you sure you call me Legs because I was fast…or because of this?" I joked, lifting my hips off the bed.

He slid his hand across the nape of my neck before he took my mouth in another hungry, desperate kiss. I rocked against him, the tickle of his chest hair against my breasts setting me off already as I scraped my nails down his back.

"I called you Legs because this, right here," Jesse rasped, slipping a hand between us. I mewled as he teased my clit with more torturous little circles before he slipped a finger inside. "Between your beautiful legs is my favorite place to be." He kissed me again, licking inside my mouth with long, needy strokes. "Feels so good to be home."

He slid inside me with one thrust, my core still sensitive from earlier but very ready for more. I tightened my legs even more as Jesse moaned into my mouth, slamming into me so hard, I was afraid he'd put a dent in the wall.

Sex between us as teens had always been rushed. We were either on curfew or waiting to hear that key in the door from someone arriving home before they were supposed to, but this desperation wasn't because of a time limit or fear of getting caught.

This was something different. Something more than just racing toward a finish line or getting lost in the feelings and each other.

This was deeper in every sense of the word. Deeper and dangerous and more telling than I had the guts to acknowledge.

"It's so good. Too good," he grunted out, his gaze locked with mine as a bead of sweat snaked down his temple.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, grabbing his face. A smile danced across his mouth as he clutched the back of my head.

"I'm in heaven, baby. Come join me?"

He slid his hand between us again, pinching my clit as he moved deeper and faster. I sat up as the throb at my core ricocheted down my legs.

I laughed to myself, thinking of Jesse worried about skill. If he were any better, he'd kill me.

"That's it. I feel you. Hold on, baby," he panted out and clutched on to me as his release tore through him, still moving inside me as his breath slowed.

He collapsed on the mattress next to me, grabbing me by the waist to draw me into his side.

"I love you," he whispered into the crook of my neck. "So much."

Tears pricked my eyes as he kissed across my cheek, lingering on my mouth.

"It's okay," he said, pressing his lips to my forehead. "You'll believe me soon." I didn't realize I was crying until he swiped away a tear with his thumb. "Until then, convincing you should be fun."

I gave him a soggy smile. I wanted to be convinced, but I didn't know how to silence the steady voice of doubt in my head.

"How about…" he said, rolling back on top of me. "I'll take care of this—" he flicked his eyes down to his waist "—and we'll talk. Maybe you could even stay the night, and this time when I wake up, I'll remember that you were here." The hopeful glint in his eyes made my nose burn. "And tell me, was I a good boy?"

"Two orgasms in a little over an hour. I'd say that makes you a very good boy."

He peered down at me with a wicked grin.

"I'll be right back." He kissed the tip of my nose and headed into the bathroom. "Don't go anywhere."

I let my head sink into the pillow as I stared at the ceiling. Life had a funny way of playing out. I'd never wanted to go anywhere. Once upon a time, I would have happily given up everything to stay by Jesse's side, but I wasn't sure how I felt about being back.

I sat up, gathering the sheets around my torso as I swept my gaze over the trail of clothes on the floor. I'd come here to yell at him for his audacity tonight and the whiplash he'd given me since his drunken confessions last week, but I was no better. I'd let him kiss me in the parking lot and then allowed him to do everything else to me once I strode through his door.

I had no willpower when it came to Jesse, and as right as it felt to be in his arms again, it was terrifying.

I brought my knees into my chest and took slow breaths in and out.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

I didn't turn around when the bed dipped behind me or when Jesse pulled my back to his front.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine. I think you're shaking a little. Talk to me."

I turned my head to his worried gaze and squared my shoulders.

"I'm a little overwhelmed right now. Between tonight and the past weekend?—"

"I know." He sifted his fingers through my tangled hair. "I can swear to you that I didn't plan on any of it either. Well, other than trying to stop your date tonight. I fully intended to do that."

A laugh slipped out of me as he kissed the top of my head.

"I think I need a break."

Jesse flinched as his entire body went rigid.

"A break? What do you mean?" He scooted around me until we were eye to eye.

"I'm so sorry for all the mixed signals I'm giving you right now." I draped a hand over my eyes, avoiding the hurt and panic in Jesse's dark gaze so I could say what I had to. "I don't regret the parking lot, or—" I jerked my chin to where my jeans were splayed on the carpet "—or even kissing you the night I took you home. I loved all of it, but we need to pump the brakes a little."

"Pump the brakes?" he repeated slowly, scrubbing a hand down his face. "I really fucked things up when we were kids, didn't I?"

"It's not even that. Believe it or not, I understand how it feels to be so scared to lose something so important to you that all you want to do is run. Because that inclination is pretty damn strong for me right now."

"I don't want you to run." Jesse's eyes were wide as his nostrils flared. "Emily, I lov?—"

I pressed my finger to his lips. "I know you do. It's not about convincing me. You have a full plate, and I have a lot of baggage—and not only from that night. I'm not saying stop. I'm saying"—I tilted my head to the side—"ease up a little."

I tried for an easy smile.

"I am going to go home. I'll take a rain check on another sleepover." He nuzzled his cheek against my palm as I skated my thumb back and forth along the scruff on his jaw.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed, so damn tempted to take back all I'd said and spend the rest of the night naked in his arms.

I slid on my panties and jeans, careful not to turn around as Jesse rustled behind me. If I got one more look at his handsome and crestfallen face, I wouldn't leave.

And I had to.

I grabbed my blouse from where I'd left it in Jesse's bathroom and slipped it on before heading downstairs.

"This is dry enough to go home in." I smirked at Jesse as I pulled the hem down. "Thank you for lending me your hoodie." I scooped it off the living room floor and handed it to him.

He stared at the shirt in his hands before he shook his head and stood over me.

"Keep it." He fisted the material to widen the collar and lifted it over my head, holding my eyes as he pulled it down. "I'd say add it to your collection, but I assume you've burned what you had."

"Not burned," I said, clearing my throat when I noticed the squeak in my voice. "Donated."

He chuckled and pulled me into his arms, leaning his forehead against mine.

"Can you text me when you get home?"

"Of course." I framed his face and brushed his lips, light enough not to start anything else, but I couldn't resist one more tiny kiss. "And you don't have to walk me. I'm only parked in your driveway."

"Doesn't matter," he muttered, stepping ahead of me to open his front door.

I'd hoped for a quick getaway tonight, my urge to get away from Jesse just as strong as never wanting to let him go.

But I needed a minute. And as much as he wanted to be all in, I believed he did too.

"Thanks for getting me here safely," I teased as I stepped into my car. "I promise I'll text you when I'm home."

Jesse didn't laugh or smile or even look at me.

"Goodnight, Em. Drive safe."

He shut my door, squeezing my chest with all that sadness pulling at his features. I forced a smile and threw him a small wave before I started my engine and backed out of his driveway.

As I turned away from his street, I had a new sympathy for Jesse. Driving away from the person you loved was the worst feeling in the world, even when it was the right thing to do.