Chapter 5 Austin Graham

Less Grinch, More Elf

Three Weeks Until Christmas

When I get out onto the practice field, Coach Dixon is talking with my position coach. Ben Olson, a retired Aces player, is here, too, and he occasionally does consultations with the tight ends.

“Graham, Morgan, get over here,” Coach Bruce barks at Chase and me. We both jog over because when your position coach calls you over, you fucking get your ass over there. “Dixon wants to run more two-tight-end formations, so one of you is going to start alongside Asher. I’ll be watching you both, and I want to start with blocking and then see you running routes.”

I glance over at Chase, and I hate that my first thought is how I can sabotage him.

I want this. I want it with everything inside of me.

But I want to earn it. No, I need to earn it.

I need to prove I’m the better player. I’ve done a few too many underhanded things, but it’s time to start turning things around. This is my chance to prove I’ve changed.

I have to do this the right way—for Mia. For Kelly.

Chase doesn’t have nearly as much to lose as I do.

So I get out onto the field and work my ass off to prove to Coach Bruce that I’m the one who deserves the starting position.

I fight like hell, and I’ll do it again tomorrow.

“You coming, Graham?” Chase asks after practice.

I glance over at him. We often go out on Thursdays after practice as a way to self-soothe after the toughest practice of the week. I miss the old Thursday night crew. We used to have a hell of a fun time going to nightclubs or sex clubs or wherever the hell we wanted because we were a bunch of young, single pro football players.

The ladies didn’t care that I wasn’t a starter.

But then I met Kelly, and my life changed. My priorities changed. I didn’t want to go out with the guys for drinks and pussy anymore. I just wanted to be with her.

I never wanted that before her.

But I managed to fuck it all up anyway. It’s just what I do.

I shrug. “Sure.”

“What about you, Nash?” Chase asks Asher.

He nods. “I’m in.”

An hour later, I’m sitting in a booth with a beer in front of me. I’m with the other tight ends—Chase and Asher plus Justin Miller—when Justin and Chase excuse themselves to the bar to order another round.

That leaves Asher and me.

He clears his throat as he glances up at me. “Practice was good today. You think you got the edge over Morgan?”

I lift a shoulder. “I left everything out there that I had in me, so I guess it’s up to Coach Bruce and Coach Dixon now.”

He leans in. “Dixon likes you.”

I raise my brows in surprise. I think about asking him how he knows that, but it’s his girlfriend’s dad. I suppose they talk shop even outside of business hours. “Thanks, man.”

I’m not sure why the whole conversation leaves me feeling hopeful, but it does.

We have a light practice on Friday ahead of Sunday’s matchup against the Ravens, and we’re done by five. I worked my ass off this week proving myself, and at the end of practice, Coach Bruce pulls me aside.

“You’re in.”

It’s two words that change my entire perspective on, well…everything.

I fought hard. I fought honestly.

And I won.

I almost never win that way…but I guess I also haven’t really given it much of a chance.

I’ll be starting alongside Asher this weekend.

My chest tightens as excitement courses through me.

I haven’t been this excited about something in a long time.

Barring Mia, of course. And now, if I can just get her mother on board, we could really have it all.

I can’t wait to tell Kelly that I’ll be starting this week. I can’t wait to play the little game of catch I’ve started playing with Mia when I have my time with her.

She sits on the floor, and I roll a soft, squishy pink football to her. She picks it up and tosses it anywhere but at me, and I lunge and stretch to try to catch it before it hits the floor as we both laugh and laugh.

I head straight for Kelly’s place after practice. If anything, I’ll get a little extra time with my daughter and her mother, and maybe we can celebrate together after we get Mia down for bed when I tell her how I earned this the right way—no sabotages, no advantages, no bribes.

Just honest to God hard work.

Maybe that’ll be enough for her to see that I’m working hard to change. Maybe it’ll be enough to win her back.

After all, becoming a starter is going to solve all my problems…right?

It’s what I’ve always told myself, anyway.

When I ring the bell, I wait a full minute. No one answers. I suppose I’m a little early, though I never really said what time I’d be over—just after practice . Maybe I should’ve texted that I was on my way.

I try knocking, and a breathless Kelly throws open the door a minute later.

She’s wearing a bathrobe, and her hair is tied up in a towel. If only I could slip her out of that bathrobe…

Her face is freshly scrubbed without makeup, and she’s panting as she says, “You’re early.”

I can’t help but think about how many times she’s been beneath me panting.

It’s been a while. Far too long, actually. We had a lot of fun last year and even a bit into this year after Mia was born, but it’s been months.

Which means it’s been months since I’ve been with anyone.

I used to play the field, and then I caught feelings for Kelly Kaplan.

And now…well, I’m holding out for her, I guess. I haven’t had time to fuck around. When I have free time, I spend it with Mia. No other woman has caught my interest since I met Kelly, and I fucked up by not telling her that when I had the chance.

I fucked up by prioritizing myself over her.

I fucked up by hurting both her and the people she cares about.

I fucked up by losing her trust.

I’m hopeful that sharing my news with her will be the ticket to turning things around. I’m hoping she’ll see that I’m changing for the better—that I’m earning things on my own merits and skills for a change.

I just want Kelly to see that I’m working hard to turn over a new leaf to be a better person—one Mia can look up to and respect.

“Sorry,” I say as my eyes move up and down her robe. I don’t bother hiding the fact that I’m checking her out and wishing I could touch what she has beneath the robe again. “Did I catch you in the shower?”

She nods and opens the door a little wider.

“Damn, I should’ve shown up a few minutes earlier.” I smirk at her, and she rolls her eyes as I walk into the house.

She closes the door behind me, and I wander down the hall and into the family room, where I stop and take it all in.

The house looks like a winter wonderland, but this one doesn’t give me those same feelings of disdain that I had at the charity event.

A beautiful Christmas tree sits in one corner with colored lights wrapped around it and ornaments sparkling and glowing. It reminds me of my childhood—of the Christmas I found out about my parents’ divorce. Before the whispered fight in the hallway, the day was going well, and it’s one of the few happy memories I have of my childhood before everything went to shit.

She has wreaths on the walls and garland along her mantle, and candles are lit as soft Christmas tunes play in the background. It’s warm and comfortable in here, and for just a second, I wish we lived together. I wish I could wake up in this Christmas wonderland, that we could make love beside the tree while the baby sleeps in her room and when she wakes, we could go together and take her from her crib.

I have no Christmas decorations in my house. I always say it’s because I don’t have the time to put them up, but if I were really so inclined, I could hire someone to do it. I’ve just never been inclined.

Christmas is a happy occasion for some and filled with painful reminders for others. I guess I fall into the second category.

Call me a grinch, I guess. But Kelly, her house, and our daughter are the combination that makes me want to be less of a grinch and more of an elf.

“Mia’s in the playpen in my bedroom,” she says, interrupting my thoughts about Christmas. “I’ll go get her. How, uh…how late are you planning on hanging out? Or are you taking her somewhere?”

“I was actually hoping we could all have dinner together tonight.” I can’t wait to tell her my news, but I didn’t want to walk in and just blurt it out. I’m holding out for the right moment.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t.” She twists her lips apologetically, and a little color rushes into her cheeks. “I, uh…I actually have a date tonight.”

A…a date?

She’s going on a date ?

All the wind deflates from my sails, and at the same time, it feels like a punch to my gut.

“Oh,” I say, and I don’t bother hiding my disappointment.

“It’s just a first date,” she says, sort of backtracking a little defensively. “This sweet old lady from the bakery insisted I go out with her grandson. I don’t even know what he looks like.” She offers a nervous giggle, but I can’t tell if she’s nervous about the date or nervous to tell me about it. I hope it’s the latter.

I clear my throat. It doesn’t change the fact that she agreed to the date, and that pokes at me harder than I care for it to. “Oh,” I say again, suddenly without words. “Well, uh, have fun, I guess.”

“Thanks.” She offers a tight smile. “I’ll just go grab Mia for you.”

She disappears into her bedroom, and I wish I could follow her, but I can’t. It’s not my place, and especially not when she’s going on a date with someone else.

I haven’t gone on a date with anyone else. How could she?

It’s a clear reminder that she doesn’t want me the way I still want her. She doesn’t have the same sorts of feelings for me that I have for her.

It’s a gut punch.

It should make me rethink my priorities. It should force me to move on.

But I don’t want to. My priorities are Mia, Kelly, and football.

She returns a few seconds later with Mia, and I press my lips into a smile through the sadness I feel that her mother is going on a date tonight with another man. Maybe she’ll fall in love with him. Maybe they’ll get married.

Maybe Mia will call him Dad someday, too.

The thought breaks my heart.

I’m Dad. I don’t want to share her with someone else. I don’t want to share Kelly, either, but what the hell can I do?