Chapter 13 Austin Graham

I Never Forget

A Week and a Half Until Christmas

I wasn’t expecting to spend the night, but as light dawns in the morning, I wake feeling like everything is right in the world.

But then reality sets in.

I’ve never come in first before, and I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I’m a starter now. Does that mean I’ll lose my edge of competition? My entire career has been about me working to be at the top, and I found my way up here.

The only way to go is down.

I’ve got the girl. I lean in and press a kiss to the back of her neck. I’ve only had her back for one night.

What happens if she runs scared again? Or worse…if she realizes I’m not good enough for her?

I force the negative thoughts away. It’s the insecurities creeping in, and I won’t allow them to take root. Not after a great game yesterday followed by the night I had with Kelly.

She didn’t say it back.

The thought twists its way in. I told her I’m in love with her, and she didn’t say it back. She invited me into her body, so maybe that was her way of responding. Or maybe she doesn’t feel the same way about me, so she couldn’t say it back.

I hate that I’m waking with these thoughts today, but it’s no different than any other day. I haven’t been at the top long enough to banish the fear that I’ll always be second-best.

But I’ll fight like hell to remain right where I am.

I hear Mia’s soft cries through the monitor, and I gently, softly get out of bed so I don’t wake up Kelly. I turn the sound off on the monitor before I head toward Mia’s room to get her.

“Dadada!” she squeals. She’s standing in her crib, holding onto the railing when I walk in, and her bright, smiling face is enough to make my entire chest swell with love.

“Mimi!” I say back to her, and I lift her out of her crib and hold her in my arms. “Did you sleep good?”

She coos a little, and I don’t really know what the morning routine looks like since I’m normally not a part of it, but I want to be.

“What do we do in the morning?” I ask, knowing full well that she isn’t going to answer but asking anyway. And then I answer, too. “Maybe we make our own little routine while Mom sleeps.”

I pick her up and start by changing her diaper and her clothes. Then I grab some books I see on the dresser, and we head over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. I open the blinds, and I sit on the chair with my little girl on my lap, and then I start reading her the books.

We read about bunnies and rainbows, about unicorns and teddy bears, and we read a touch-and-feel book about porcupines. She giggles when I brush her finger over the textured pages, and when I glance up after I close the last page, I see Kelly standing in the doorway, reindeer pants on her legs and a sleepy look on her face.

“Aren’t you two just the most adorable sight in the world?” she says, and I chuckle.

“Mama!” Mia says, and she reaches for Kelly, who gladly swoops in and steals her from my lap.

“Miamiga!” She peppers Mia with morning kisses and looks over at me. “Did you change her?”

I nod, and Kelly looks surprised.

“Thanks,” she says. “What can I make you for breakfast?”

I think for a second about her surprise that I changed our daughter, and I realize…she does it all. Every day. She gets a few hours alone a week, and that’s it. The rest of her time is dedicated to taking care of Mia, helping Ava, or making her wreaths. But who spends the time taking care of her ?

Maybe it’s up to me. Maybe it’s something I should’ve been doing this entire time.

I want to show her that I’m willing to put in the time and effort to make this work with her. Last night wasn’t just a one-time deal. It’s a fresh start for us, and I want her to feel that this morning rather than looking back at it as some indiscretion.

“Why don’t you let me take care of breakfast?” I’ve picked up a few skills over the years since I take care of myself. I’m self-taught through trial and many, many errors, but I can whip up a pretty mean omelet. It’s a skill I put to use once or twice for Kelly when we were together before, but we didn’t spend enough time together to really experiment in the kitchen the way I always wanted to.

“Since you’re an amazing chef, I will take you up on that.”

She sets Mia in her highchair with some Cheerios while she mixes up a bottle, and I grab everything I need to put together a decent omelet. It’s simple, but it’s good fuel to start our day.

While my creation cooks, I grab a bottle of ketchup from her fridge, and she makes a face at me.

“What?” I ask innocently. I already know what’s coming. She’s said it to me before, and somehow it makes me feel a little closer to her.

“You remind me of my dad. He always puts ketchup on everything, and it grosses me out.”

I grin. “Stretch up for ketchup.”

She wrinkles her nose. “I don’t know what that means, but I’ll take your word for it.”

I make her a cup of coffee with a splash of cream and two sugars. When I set it in front of her, she looks up at me with a bit of awe in her eyes.

“You remember how I take my coffee?” she asks.

“When it’s something I care about, I never forget,” I say softly.

She picks up her cup and holds it in front of her mouth while I return to the stove.

I place her breakfast in front of her a few minutes later, and I scarf my own down while she takes dainty bites.

“What are your plans for the day?” I ask.

“Work. I usually head in around nine even though the place has been open for hours by then.”

“Ava sounds like a good boss,” I say, and I set my fork down after my plate is clear.

“The best. And the best friend.”

“I, uh…you know I was sincere when I apologized to them last week. It’s important to me that you know that.”

She nods as she stares down at her omelet. “I know, and I appreciate that more than I can express.”

I glance at Mia, who’s holding onto her bottle, and I can’t help but think how much things have changed for Kelly over the last year when they’ve stayed virtually the same for me apart from the one day a week I spend with my daughter.

It’s not the first time I’ve realized how imbalanced things are. My career dictates my time, and Kelly and I talked about that when she was pregnant. She seems to get it, and she’s never once mentioned the imbalance. Yet I still feel it, and I wish there was some way I could change that. I want to be a part of my daughter’s life all the time, not just on Tuesdays.

I decide to tell her that. “I want you to know it’s not just them. I want to make more of an effort with you and Mia.” It’s my weak way of trying to express what’s on my mind even though I can’t quite make the right words come out of my mouth.

“I’d like that,” Kelly says. “And I know Mia would love that.”

“It shouldn’t all fall totally on you. I know it’s not the first time I’ve said that, but if there’s anything I can do to make things easier on you, just tell me.”

“I know, and I appreciate that just like I did the last time you said it. But you know how I feel about asking for help, and I don’t want to miss out on anything when she’s little. I want to keep her close while I can.” She shrugs a little and sets her fork down, her plate clean now, too. “That was delicious, by the way.”

“Thanks,” I murmur as an idea occurs to me. The words fall from my lips before I can stop them. “Move in with me.”

Kelly stares at me, her jaw falling slightly open. She coughs a little, and then she clears her throat. “What?”

“Move in with me,” I repeat, the idea taking root and forming into something I wasn’t expecting.

She tilts her head a little as if she’s studying me, trying to figure out what I’m getting at. “Are you serious right now?”

“Look, I’m doing what I can financially to help with Mia, but it isn’t enough. I want mornings with the two of you. I want to be part of the bedtime routine every night…for both of you.” My eyes move to hers as I make sure she catches my meaning. It’s clear she does. “Like this morning—doesn’t it just feel right? Breakfast together, you getting a little time to yourself while I read books with Mia after you did all the work yesterday.” I shrug. “I feel like I’m missing the small things now, and I don’t want that to mean I’m going to miss the big things later.”

“But moving in together…” She trails off.

“I know it’s crazy. It was one night. But it’s one night that’s been in the making for six months and even before that, and then I went and fuc—” I glance at Mia and redirect my language, clearing my throat first. “Before I went and screwed everything up, it seemed like we were heading in the right direction.” I motion between Kelly and me to indicate who I mean.

It felt like we were heading toward a future together until she decided she couldn’t be with me. If last night meant to her what it feels like it meant to me, maybe we can have that future again. But we won’t know if I don’t ask.

She still hasn’t answered my question, and I’m waiting with bated breath for the rejection I’m sure is coming. It’s way out of the blue to even ask. There was no real forethought, and I don’t expect her to just be ready to jump in when it’s a little crazy I even asked.

“Is this really something you want?” she asks.

I can’t tell by the tone of her question whether it’s something she really wants, but I can see her thinking it over.

“I’ll admit, the question just sort of came out unexpectedly when I asked it, but as I sit here thinking about the possibility…” I glance at Mia and back at Kelly. “Yes. It’s what I want. It’s everything I want.”

“But do you just want it so you can be with Mia?” I sense the vulnerability in her question, and I don’t know how else to make it clear that I want to be with both of them.

“I want a life together. I want the two of us to raise our daughter together and share in every moment, from the mundane to the extraordinary to everything in between.”

Her eyes seem to get misty at that.

“Why don’t you take some time to think about it? There’s no rush, Kel.”

She nods. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

For now, that’s good enough for me. We clean up the breakfast dishes together, and then it’s time for me to say goodbye. She has to head into work, and I have workouts.

I plant a kiss on the top of Mia’s head, and Kelly walks me to the front door.

I reach around her waist and haul her to me, and I lean down and press my lips to hers. I’m hesitant to let her go. It’s been a fantastic ten or so hours, and I hate cutting it short.

“I don’t want to leave,” I admit.

A small smile tips up her lips. “You have to.”

I draw in a breath that’s filled with her, and I sigh. “I know.”

A quiet beat passes between us, and she looks up at me like she wants to say something.

I look down at her like I want to say something, too.

But neither of us says anything at all.

“Well…bye,” I finally say.

“Bye,” she whispers, and then she pulls out of my arms, opens the front door, and I walk through it as I try to hold onto the feeling that everything might just work out for us.