Chapter 5

chapter

five

"I can't believeyou're married."

Seated at the vanity in the winery's restroom, Alexis sparkled. There was no other word for it. "I know. It's crazy, right? I swore marriage wasn't for me, and now…" She finished touching up her mascara and sighed. "I'm so happy, Elle."

Ellie wrapped her arms around her shoulders and gave her a light squeeze. "You deserve it, sis. It was perfect. Like a fairytale."

Whatever reservations Ellie once had about Shane Trevisano were long gone. She couldn't have asked for a better man for Alexis. Her heart ached with happiness for her sister. And maybe her heart also ached with deep yearning, but she wasn't about to explore that because it would inevitably lead her back to Callum Holden, and she did not want to think about him anymore tonight. "But I have to say I'm surprised you talked Shane into a traditional wedding."

"I didn't! It was what he wanted—the pomp and circumstance and me walking down the aisle in a gown to him in his dress whites. I was afraid it would be too much for him and would've been perfectly happy just going to the courthouse and calling it done." Alexis's smile dimmed a fraction. "I wish Hope could've been here. She would've loved the ceremony of it all."

Hope.

She seemed to be on everyone's minds lately.

Ellie considered mentioning the girl, but Cal was right. This wasn't the time or place for it. Not on Lexi's wedding day. It could wait until she got back from her honeymoon.

"I wish I could remember more about her." Ellie had only been six when Hope disappeared, but she recalled the way Hope's laughter used to ring through the house. She also remembered the intense shouting matches between Hope and their mother.

Alexis turned away from the mirror. "She loved you. Loved us both so much. I don't remember much about her anymore, but I know that for a fact."

"Did Mom ever tell you—" She broke off as the door opened and, as if on cue, their mother came into the room.

Amy Summers looked like a woman half her age thanks to a strict diet, rigid exercise routine, and plastic surgery—which she adamantly denied having done. She prided herself on her looks and loved it when she was mistaken for their older sister rather than their mother. The dress she'd chosen for her daughter's wedding was too short, too bold, and too revealing with its plunge neckline, but Ellie wasn't about to say that out loud. It would only cause problems, and she wanted the rest of the day to go smoothly for her sister's sake.

Not that Amy would intentionally ruin it. She wasn't cruel or abusive or anything like that. She had been a good mother and they both loved her, but their relationship had grown complicated as they matured into adults and realized Amy was a little too self-absorbed to be the quintessential mother figure they longed for. Her love was deep for her girls, but she tended to put her needs before theirs, and it led to instances when both Alexis and Ellie felt more like the parent than the child.

Amy sashayed into the room, her crimson dress swishing around her thighs and her platinum hair styled to perfection. "Did I ever tell you what?"

Ellie looked at her sister for help. They both knew better than to mention Hope's name. Their mother always closed down whenever her eldest daughter came up in conversation, but Ellie was also tired of tiptoeing around the topic.

Alexis nodded and mouthed, "Ask her."

Ellie drew a breath, faced their mother, and broke the unspoken family rule. "We were talking about Hope."

Amy's expression froze into a brittle mask. Ellie could almost see the memories flicker in her mother's eyes before they hardened into a cold, distant gaze.

"Hope," Amy echoed as if it was a foreign word. She smoothed down her dress. "I don't see why you'd be talking about her on a day like today."

"We just... we miss her, Mom."

Amy's lips thinned into a line, and she looked at her youngest daughter curiously as if trying to decipher an unsolvable puzzle. Then her gaze slid toward Alexis.

"I wish she could've been here," Alexis added.

The silence stretched on until it was almost unbearable. Then Amy shrugged with practiced nonchalance.

"It's been over twenty years, girls." Her voice was soft but firm, offering no room for argument. "She made her choices, and they didn't include us, so let's not spoil such a beautiful day by talking about her."

"Why do you make it sound like she wanted to leave?" Ellie asked.

Amy Summers sighed and leaned over Alexis to check her makeup in the mirror. "I don't want to talk about it." She pulled a tube of lipstick from her clutch and layered it on even though she didn't need more. "It's not an appropriate conversation for a wedding."

"Well, I'm the bride," Alexis said. "And I get to decide what's appropriate. I want to know, too. What really happened when she disappeared?"

"And why did you never look for her?" Ellie pressed. "You never really seemed to care."

"I cared," Amy said and snapped the clutch shut. "I've always cared. She's my daughter."

"Then why don't you show it?"

"Because I'm tired." Amy set her purse down on the vanity with a clatter. "I was tired of her drama then, and now I'm tired of her ghost hanging over this family. She left on her own accord. She wasn't forced into that car or tricked. She wanted to leave. She chose to leave us."

"Did she really?" Ellie shot back. "Or did you choose to let her go?"

The accusation hung in the air between them like a lethal blade ready to sever fragile ties.

Amy, for her part, didn't balk at Ellie's words, but her blue eyes bore into her daughter's. "Both."

"Please, Mom," Alexis said softly. "Just tell us what happened. Don't you think it's time we know?"

She sighed and dropped to the chaise beside the vanity. "Oh, I'm sorry, girls. I know I should've talked to you both about this a long time ago. It's just… difficult for me. Hope was always different. From the moment she was old enough to walk and talk, she was all emotion, energy, and mischief. You were too young to understand the turmoil she caused in our family. She was damaged. I don't know if she was just that way from birth or if I damaged her or maybe both. I was so young when I had her. Only seventeen, still a child myself, and I made so many mistakes until I met your father. But by then, it was already too late to fix what was broken in Hope. But I tried, girls. So did he. He even adopted her, gave her his name so we could be a complete family. I swear, we tried everything. Discipline, affection, therapy... but nothing seemed to reach her. She didn't want my help, and she certainly didn't want your father's. She was barely a teenager when she started the drugs and the partying, and then came the much older men… I had to choose between helping her or keeping you two safe. It's a choice no mother should ever have to make, but I made it. And when she walked out that day and didn't come home… God help me, I was relieved. I was relieved not because I wanted her gone but because it meant you girls were safe from her chaos."

"But why didn't we search for her?" Ellie asked.

Amy looked down at her hands. "We did," she said quietly. "Your father and I exhausted every resource we had, but it was like chasing a ghost. She didn't want to be found, and life was so much easier without her. Eventually, I realized that maybe I didn't want to find her."

"Did you love her, Mom?" Alexis whispered.

Amy's eyes welled up with tears, and for a moment, there was silence. "More than you'll ever know," she said at last. "She was my firstborn. My baby girl. She was beautiful and full of life. But her life... she was a hurricane damaging everything in her path."

Ellie's heart ached at the pain in her mother's voice. For years she'd thought that their mother had been negligent, more concerned about a semblance of peace than finding Hope. But hearing Amy's confession tore away that illusion, revealing the heartbreaking truth of a mother caught in an impossible situation. And now she realized she'd been too harsh on their mother. Amy had a lot of faults, but she loved all of her daughters in her own way.

Alexis took a deep breath, breaking the silence that had settled between them. "Mom…" she started tentatively. "Did Hope ever give any indication about where she might go? Any friends or boyfriends who might have an idea?"

"Girls, please don't go digging this up again." When they both just stared at her in response, Amy sighed heavily, her shoulders drooping as if the weight of those years was pressing down on her. "No, she never gave any indication. She didn't tell me things. We didn't have that kind of relationship and she didn't trust easily. She kept her secrets close. And those people she did associate with... well, they weren't the sort to help us find her."

"Do you think she's still alive out there somewhere?" Ellie asked.

"No."

The answer was said with such finality that it made Ellie blink with surprise. "Why not?"

"Because I would feel it. A mother knows." Her face crumpled, and she wrapped her arms around herself as if physically trying to hold her grief inside. "I would know if my baby was still in this world. Hope..." She swallowed hard, choking back a sob. "My Hope is gone. She's been gone for a long time."

Alexis reached out and took their mother's hand, offering a comforting squeeze while Ellie folded her arms over her chest, holding back her own tears. She opened her mouth to tell Alexis and her mother about the girl Cal had found—the teenager who was apparently Hope's daughter—but Alexis gave a small shake of her head.

"No more," she mouthed.

She was probably right. She'd tell Alexis soon, but telling Mom that Hope had been alive long enough to birth a child seemed cruel. But if Cal found the girl, it would all come out eventually.

Maybe she should tell him to drop it, stop looking?

She mentally scoffed at the thought. He wouldn't stop, even if she asked. Giving up wasn't in his DNA.

An insistent tap came from the door and Shane opened it before they could respond, his sharp gaze scanning the room before settling on Alexis. The man seemingly had a sixth sense when it came to his new wife's discomfort. "Everything okay?"

"We're fine," Alexis assured him with a small, sad smile. "Just digging up old family skeletons."

His gaze softened. "Hope?"

"Yeah." Alexis sighed and absently fiddled with the ring he'd given her. "Hope."

He came into the room fully then, moving to stand behind Alexis and settle his scarred hands on her shoulders. There was so much love in the way he looked at her. He didn't have to fill the silence with empty words; he simply needed to be there, providing a rock-steady support.

For a moment, Ellie wondered if Cal could provide the same support for her. Cal was so different from Shane—funny where Shane was serious, bright with optimism where Shane was a stark realist, unburdened by trauma while Shane had more baggage than an airplane. Cal was like her puppy—sweet, but chaotic. She'd never be able to rely on him for the kind of sturdy support Shane provided Alexis. It was ridiculous to even compare the two of them.

Amy smiled at him. "I don't think I ever thanked you, Shane."

"For what?"

"For saving my daughter. For loving her."

He shook his head. "I should be thanking you for raising a stubborn, fierce, brilliant woman," he said with an admiring look at his bride. "Without her, I'd—" His voice caught. "She saved me."

"We saved each other." Alexis closed her eyes, leaning back into Shane's steady presence.

Ellie hated herself for the sudden pang of envy. She had always been the kind of woman who prided herself on her independence. But in that moment, watching the quiet strength of their union, she couldn't help but wish she had someone in her life to lean on like that.

Cal.

No. Dammit.

Why was she so hung up on Callum Holden anyway?

Okay, she knew the answers to that question. His roguish smile. His light-hearted charm. His sexy arm muscles—she never could resist a guy with nice arms—and oh so squeezable butt. The way he made her feel all jittery inside when he was near like she couldn't stand still…

But he wasn't what she wanted in her life.

Right?

Right.

But even as she firmed up her resolve, her heart betrayed her, drumming that traitorous name against her ribcage.

Cal. Cal. Cal.

She curled her hands into fists and told her heart to shut up. Cal was not to be thought about or dwelled on. He'd only been a fling—a charming, confusing fling that wasn't good for her. Nothing more. Certainly nothing her stupid heart needed to be concerned about.

Amy cleared her throat, pulling Ellie from her thoughts. "All right, girls. Enough of the past. What's done is done. We should get back to the party before people think we've vanished."

Shane offered his arm to Alexis, and with a glance at her mother, she placed her hand in his.

As they returned the reception, Ellie kept a close eye on her sister. Alexis had this amazing ability to bounce back from anything. Even now, she was pulling herself together, ready to dazzle their guests with her charisma and charm.

God, Ellie admired her.

Alexis had been through so much over the years—the disappearance of Hope, the Shadow Stalker case, her own kidnapping, and a near-death experience. Somehow, she always came back stronger, brighter.

Ellie wished she was that resilient. She felt flayed open, raw and exposed. She wanted to crawl into bed, bury her face in Puzzle's fur, and cry until her tears ran out for the sister she barely remembered but missed with her entire heart.

She felt rather than saw him approach. Cal was like that, emanating a warmth that she recognized every time. She turned to find him right there, watching her with those earnest eyes. As always, he was a chaotic blend of concern and cheerfulness, his hair even more ruffled now than it had been earlier. She adored that he always looked just a little bit rumpled.

"You okay?" he asked, his gaze searching her face.

Ellie looked away. She wanted to ask him about the girl who looked like Hope. She wanted to voice her feelings, but they were so jumbled up inside her like a ball of yarn, and she didn't know how to begin unraveling them.

So, instead, she forced a smile and nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay."

For a moment, he looked like he wanted to say something—comfort her, maybe—but he seemed to think better of it and simply offered her the glass of champagne he held. "You look like you need a drink."

She accepted the glass, their fingers fleetingly brushing. The contact sent a shock through her system, but she ignored it and avoided his gaze.

"Thanks." At least her voice was steadier than she felt.

"Did you tell Alexis?" he asked and snagged another glass from a passing server.

"No." She took a long drink. The bubbles fizzed against her tongue, the golden liquid not quite managing to wash away the bitter taste of old sorrow. "I'm not ruining this day for her."

He smiled as he watched Shane and Alexis together. "They look happy."

"They are." As she watched them, she realized Cal's gaze was back on her. It was disconcerting— partly because she wasn't used to being the center of anyone's attention, but mostly because she knew there was nothing she could hide from him. He had a way of seeing right through her, dissecting her thoughts and emotions in an instant. It was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

"Want to dance?" he asked, extending his hand towards her.

She looked at his offered hand and then back up at his face. For a moment, she hesitated. She wanted to, but at the same time, dancing with Cal felt dangerous. "I'm not really in the mood."

"Come on, Ellie. You love to dance."

"Not with—" She bit off the automatic response, realizing it was cruel to say out loud.

There was a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but he quickly masked it with a nod of understanding. Why was he so understanding? It made it really hard to maintain her defenses and keep him at a distance.

"Not with me," he finished.

"No," she whispered around the lump in her throat. "Not with you."

"I get that." He took her glass from her, placing it on a nearby table. "But I refuse to be the reason you don't have a good time tonight." He closed a hand around hers and tugged her toward the dance floor.

"Cal…" Despite her protest, she didn't pull away. She could've. His grip on her hand was loose, giving her plenty of opportunity to escape, but she allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. The music shifted to a slower ballad as they reached it. Of course. The universe really had a wicked sense of humor.

Or…

She glanced toward the DJ booth as saw Alexis standing there with a big grin on her face.

Not the universe. Her sister.

She should stop this before it went any further. She should?—

Her thoughts ground to a halt when Cal pulled her into his arms. God, he felt good, and she couldn't seem to find the willpower to step away.

"Relax," he murmured in her ear, his breath tickling her skin. "I'm not going to bite. Unless you ask."

She gave a soft laugh despite herself. "That's not what I'm afraid of."

His arms tightened around her. "Then what?"

She didn't answer. How could she? How could she explain that she was afraid of how he made her feel—afraid of the way her heart throbbed when he looked at her, afraid of how easily she could fall into his arms and forget everything else. Callum Holden was too much. Too beautiful, too kind, too dangerous. He was a whirlwind, and he'd crash through her barriers and then leave her shattered and breathless in his wake. The closer she got to him, the more she risked losing herself.

He moved with an easy grace that Ellie couldn't quite match, but he made her feel as though she was floating. His hand was firm and comforting on the small of her back and his warmth radiated into her as if he were her own personal sun. For a moment, just a moment, Ellie closed her eyes and let herself imagine what it would be like to truly let go. To let Cal hold her, to feel his arms around her not in a dance, but in life. To listen to his heart beat against her ear each night as they fell asleep. To know the feel of his fingers tracing lazy patterns on her skin on a Sunday morning. To feel the imprint of his lips on hers, not stolen in a quick, heated moment but given freely and with abandon.

A soft sigh escaped her lips. She hadn't realized how tense she was until she felt him gently rub circles on her back. His touch was soothing, grounding. A reminder that this was real, that he was real.

What was she afraid of?

"I'm afraid to let you in," she whispered against his chest. "But I still want to."

He stilled. She didn't need to see his face to feel his surprise. "What did you say?"

She shook her head, instantly regretting her boldness. The words had slipped out before she could catch them. "Nothing."

Cal tightened his hold on her, and she opened her eyes to look at him. His gaze was intense, focused solely on her. She could see the concern there, the question he wanted to ask.

He never got the chance. The song ended and the DJ announced it was time for the newlyweds to cut the cake. The soft bubble around them burst, the noise of the other wedding guests flooding back in. She drew away from him, but he tightened his hold for an instant as if unwilling to let her go.

"I… need to go, Cal."

Emotions battled over his expression, but then his cheerful smile returned, only slightly strained around the edges.

"All right," he said, stepping back and giving her the space she desperately needed.

She turned and fled, all but pushing people out of the way as she made a beeline for the restroom. The door closed behind her with a soft click and she breathed a sigh of relief.

Her heart fluttered like a frightened bird behind her ribs. She leaned on the bathroom sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes wide with shock. She looked like a woman who had just been kissed for the first time.

But she hadn't been kissed. She had danced with Callum Holden, and she had loved every second of it.

And that terrified her more than anything else.