Cassidy Fourteen Years Ago

Lying there with part of my family gathered around me, waiting for what would come next, I floated into an exhausted stupor and returned to more of my memories. Back to when I fell for Sean and the years it took to get him to see me. From the moment I met him that fateful day when Mark brought him home that first time, I adored Sean and my other new brothers. I lived for their visits and letters and the rare call when all four would get on the phone to chat with Dad and me.

I kept living in bliss until I turned sixteen. That’s when I recognized and acknowledged that while I loved Gabe and Griffin like brothers, my feelings for Sean differed. I had these weird thoughts and dreams for about six months before they came home on leave. It had been a long time since we’d seen them. They planned to spend a week with us after their week with Graden and Jessie. Not only had we gained the boys, as Dad called them, but we gained Griffin’s parents, too.

The moment the door opened and they walked into the house, I was struck with how different my reaction was this time to Sean. I found myself checking him out in a purely female-to-male interest way. Up until then, I knew they were all good-looking men. I never told them since they had big enough egos as it was. I knew women threw themselves at them all the time. They didn’t talk about it around me, but I listened to conversations with Dad when they thought I wasn’t around.

I knew about sex, even if I hadn’t had it yet. I was finding myself interested in boys at school, but not enough to have sex with any of them. There was one I’d allowed to take me out on a couple of dates. I wanted to see if it would go anywhere. Until then, more than a few guys had asked me out, but I wasn’t interested. When Pascal, a senior varsity football player, asked me out, I debated briefly and then said yes. He was always nice to me, he was cute, and girls at school would’ve given anything to have him ask them out. Plus, he wasn’t one of the football players who dated and hooked up with every girl he saw.

He and I had two dates before my brothers came home that fateful day, and I devoured Sean with my eyes. I tried hard not to let my interest show. However, the way my heart sped up and my body reacted, I knew something was there. It was undoubtedly one-sided, but still. There was no way a twenty-six-year-old man would be interested in a teenager.

I’d hugged him the same as the other three, but my breasts tingled, my nipples hardened, and I felt myself start to grow slick between my legs when I did. I covertly inhaled his scent as deeply as possible. When he placed a kiss on my cheek, I wished it was on my mouth.

Those feelings and others, which became evident on the first day, had me agreeing to a date with Pascal the next night. I’d initially planned to stay home the whole week so that I wouldn’t miss a moment with them. However, my newly acknowledged feelings had me running scared. I should’ve known they wouldn’t react well to me going on a date. Dad hadn’t been much better the first time Pascal came to pick me up. It amused me to see how my dad tried to intimidate him.

When they found out I had a date coming, they did everything they could to convince Dad not to let me go. They argued that I was too young to date and that they hadn’t checked the guy out. On and on they went. When Pascal arrived, I tried to run to the car to meet him, but they were waiting. It had been a tense and slightly humiliating meeting. Finally, I gave Dad a big enough pleading look. He told us to go.

I should’ve stayed home. All night, our conversation had been stilted. I knew why I was acting stiff. I was with Pascal, but the only one I could think about was Sean and how much I wished he and I were on a date.

Throughout dinner and then the movie, I worked to shake my crazy thoughts and feelings. It wasn’t until we were done with the movie and Pascal suggested we go to enjoy the moonlight that I forced my inappropriate thoughts away. I agreed to go even though I knew it was a common make-out spot. I did it because I thought it would help me forget about Sean.

When Pascal moved in to kiss me, I closed my eyes and went with it. His mouth barely touched mine before I heard a noise, and then he was gone. Opening my eyes, I saw four hulking SEALs glaring at him. They’d opened his door and yanked him out of the car backward. My face burned in mortification. It wasn’t due to Mark, Gabe, and Griffin seeing me kissing a guy. No, it was all due to Sean seeing it. The disappointment and anger on his face had cut deep.

There was a big argument before I was escorted to Sean’s car and taken home. Pascal was left to get home on his own. Back at the house, there had been a huge fight. It was me against them, with Dad trying to play neutral, although I knew he wasn’t upset they had interrupted our kiss. I’d stayed mad at the guys for most of their visit. When they left, they told me to accept that I would always be their little sister. Hearing Sean refer to me as such tore me up.

Over the next two years, my feelings for him grew despite my efforts to date other guys and deny I felt anything other than sisterly affection for him. I told myself my dreams about him were just normal teenage hormones. Whenever they came home or there was a call, I had to work to avoid appearing tense. Letters from Sean decreased. Eventually, I graduated high school, and they got out of the military. Although they loved the Navy, they decided not to be lifers. They had an idea to create a business. One where they could help those in need and put some of their skills to work in the private sector.

Dad had helped them start the business. He contributed money to it and used some of his connections to help them get a foot in the door with a few people. They were determined to be a paramilitary group that worked in the private sector.

I loved that they were around more, but I also hated it. I found I was constantly waiting to set eyes on Sean. They worked long, exhausting hours, and Dad did too. I was taking college classes, but I helped out when and where they would let me. They soon found they required unassuming operatives, as they called them. Mainly, it was to infiltrate companies who wanted their security tested and then beefed up if necessary. They found I was perfect for that work.

At first, they refused to let me help, but Dad told them I wasn’t in danger with what they were doing and that I had skills. In the end, they let me do a few assignments. I loved the work. When Anderson, a former military contact they knew from their SEAL days, came calling, asking them to help with off-the-books work for the US government, they hadn’t said no. He was a man they greatly respected, and if they could keep our country and its people safe, they’d do it. No matter whether they were in the Navy or not, they were still patriots and adrenaline junkies.

Other than my unrequited feelings for Sean, life had been going great. Their company, the Dark Patriots, was growing by leaps and bounds. I kept trying to find a guy who would make me forget Sean. Meanwhile, the four of them were not only working but charming the ladies. It made my chest hurt to see him with a woman and know he was sleeping with her.

By the time I was nineteen, I knew it was no use. My feelings for Sean were more than a crush. I’d romantically fallen in love with Sean at sixteen, and nothing would change that. I knew I had to tell him. I prayed that once he knew I felt the way I did, he’d declare that he loved me, too. I’d gotten all dolled up and went to Dark Patriots one night to tell him. I knew he was working late.

I let myself into the building using my badge. The place was dark and quiet. When I got close to his office, I saw his light on. I sped up. I was so nervous but excited, too. I swore the week before that I noted interest on his face when he was at the house. I was almost to the ajar door to his office when I heard moaning. I froze, and as I stood there, I fought not to cry.

“Oh my God, Sean. Yes, touch me there. Jesus. That’s it. Please, hurry. I’m close. Damn it,” a woman said breathily.

“Patience, Connie. I promise I’ll get you off, and then we can get off together. Christ,” he muttered.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she panted.

“Why not?”

“Well, you’re always with Cassidy. I thought there was something between you two. I see the way she looks at you. She loves you, and I think you love her, too.”

My face burned with shame, knowing someone knew my secret feelings. I turned from hot to cold when he laughed.

“Come on, do you think I’d go for a girl when I can have a woman? I do love her, but not in that way. Cassidy is like a sister to me, and I’m like her brother. Believe me, I’ll never be anything more than that to her. Now, come for me,” he said huskily.

As her orgasm hit her and she cried out, I ran out of the building as if my ass was on fire. I cried so hard that it was impossible to see to drive. I ended up pulling over and crying my eyes out. It was hours later before I made it home. I still lived with Dad. He told me it would be a waste for me to move out when he had all that space. I hoped he’d be asleep when I came in. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been, and the fact that I’d been crying was evident. He came out of his chair as soon as he saw my face.

“Cassidy, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine, Dad. I’m just tired. I need to get some sleep.”

I tried to walk past him, but he hooked my arm and stopped me. “Bullshit. Tell me. You know you can talk to me about anything. Do I have to go out and kill someone? Did someone hurt you or touch you?” he growled.

“No one touched me. I can’t talk right now.”

“I’m calling the boys.”

When he said that, my restraint on my broken heart shattered. “No! I don’t want them here. You can’t call them.”

He reared back in alarm. “Sweetheart, what the hell is going on? If someone hurt you, and I see they have, the boys need to know. We’ll make sure the son of a bitch who did pays for it.”

“It was my stupidity that got me hurt. I want to forget tonight ever happened, and you have to promise not to tell them.”

He shook his head. “I can’t promise that unless I know what happened. Were you… assaulted?” he asked hoarsely.

“No, I wasn’t raped or beaten.”

He sighed in relief. “Okay, then it can’t be that bad. Tell me. Come sit with your dear old dad and let me fix whatever it is.”

I let him tug me to the couch. He talked for a minute or so, urging me to tell him before I burst into tears and confessed.

“I went to the office tonight. I wanted to talk to Sean. I knew he was working late. I heard a hard truth, and it upset me.”

“Sean did this? What did he say?” He frowned.

I ran through the highlights of it. My chest hurt, and tears were streaming down my face again. When I was done, Dad held me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. When I calmed down, he spoke.

“Honey, I know you’re in love with Sean. I’ve known it since you were sixteen. And I know finding him with someone and hearing that hurt but don’t give up hope. I believe he loves you and not as a little sister. He’s fighting it for some reason. You need to give him time. However, don’t pin all your hopes on him either. You’re not living. Date, have fun, live. I can’t guarantee he’ll declare his love one day, but I think there’s a good possibility.”

We’d sat up late into the night talking. In the end, I was determined to do as Dad said. At the time, I had no idea that would be the last time we’d talk about me and Sean. A month later, Dad dropped dead from a stroke. After that, I was left in a daze. The five of us continued to go through the motions of everyday life, but I was in agony. Not only was Sean not reciprocating my feelings, but I didn’t have my beloved father to make me feel better. I couldn’t talk to Mark or the other two about my feelings. They wouldn’t understand. Life limped along.

Eventually, I slowly began to live, although Mark and the guys kept trying to smother me. I tried to stay away from Sean as much as I could. I knew my standoffishness was causing worry, but every time I saw him with a woman, I felt like I’d been stabbed. Before I knew it, three years had passed. That’s when my life was torn apart again. Mark was on an assignment I knew nothing about. I found out when the plane he was on went down, and he was killed. Once again, my world shattered, and I knew I was on borrowed time.