4. Elias

All I hadto do was talk to her. That’s it.

I could have said something… anything. Hell, I should have started with ‘I’m sorry,’ but I was frozen. Physically, I couldn’t move. I was so caught up in having her near me and hearing my name on her lips that I lost all train of thought. I wanted to run away, but at the same time I wanted to turn, pull her against me, and hold her like she was mine.

I’m a fool for ever coming back here. I should have known that I couldn’t come back to Whiskey Run and stay away from Chloe. I stupidly tried to convince myself that I had to come here because this is where the job for Walker is, but I could do this job from anywhere. I didn’t have to come back to Whiskey Run to do it.

“So, Elias, how have you been since your last appointment?”

My head is down in my hands, my elbows planted on my knees, and even though I’m in the middle of a therapy appointment, I can’t forget last night and the sound of Chloe pleading with me.

For the first time ever, I’m honest to the therapist. “Not good.”

She gasps, and I don’t have to look at her to know she’s surprised. Therapy is a requirement. You work here at the rehab center, Walker requires you to do therapy. Not only do it, but participate in it. And since I got here, I have shown up at my appointments but haven’t said a word until today.

I can hear her shift in her seat, and I imagine she’s sitting up a little taller. The pad of paper in her hands crinkles, and she’s probably documenting the fact that I finally said something.

“Why?” Dr. Kline asks me.

I’m quiet, not sure how to answer, when she continues. “Please, don’t stop now, Elias. You know the rules, and you’ve reached the limit. You have to start participating in therapy.”

I sigh and clasp my hands together in front of me. “Chloe talked to me yesterday, and there’s so much I need to say to her and explain, but I couldn’t say a damn word. I froze up.”

She’s flipping through the pages of my file. There are extensive doctors’ notes in there from my many injuries, surgeries, rehabilitation notes, and everything. But I know she’s not going to find what she’s looking for. She won’t find anything in there about Chloe.

After a little more shuffling, she asks softly, “Who’s Chloe?”

I don’t hesitate in telling her exactly who Chloe is. “She’s the love of my life. She’s the reason I survived the injuries five years ago. She’s the reason I survived the bombing two years ago, and she’s the reason I came back to Whiskey Run. She’s… everything.”

“Tell me about her,” she encourages me.

I stand up with a huff of my breath and walk over to the big bay windows. With my arms crossed over my chest, I can see the flowers that Kanan’s wife, Emerson, planted in the garden below. I get lost staring at the arrangement of all the colors as I start to talk. “Chloe is the manager at a gym in town. She’s blond with big blue eyes and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. We met five years ago when I was here helping out with Walker’s Ghost team. At that time, it was supposed to be one mission. Anyway, we met, and I knew she was the one. I made promises.” I blow out a breath. “So many damn promises, and I didn’t keep any of them. People depended on me… it was life or death, and I had to do my job. Then I was hurt, and I knew that I couldn’t come back to her. I didn’t have a job, I was barely living, and she deserved more.”

I can hear the therapist scribbling her notes, but I don’t care. For the first time, I don’t care what she has to say about me because I need help. I have to find a way to talk to Chloe. When I stop talking, her pen stops moving. “What do you mean when you say she saved you?”

My voice is void of all emotion. “I couldn’t die. I knew that I had to see her again. I had to. I lived so I could see her again.”

The therapist sniffs her nose. “And uh, you what? You saw her yesterday and—”

I smile as I look up at the blue sky. “I’ve seen her every day since I got back into town. I never talk to her, but yesterday… fuck, yesterday she followed me and tried to talk to me.”

“What did she say?”

My arms tighten around myself. “She begged and pleaded with me. She wants answers. She wants to know why I left and then stayed away without calling or reaching out to her.”

When I stop talking, she finishes for me. “And you froze up. You said nothing.”

I nod with a loud exhale. “Yeah, I said nothing.”

“Why?”

I shake my head. “Please. Isn’t it obvious? I can’t talk to her, not looking like this.”

The therapist stands up and comes to the windows. She’s quiet for so long I’m surprised when she says, “Oh, so she’s shallow?”

I raise my voice in anger. “What? No. Chloe’s not shallow at all.”

She turns to look at me. “What if she was the one with the scars, Elias? Would you not want her anymore?”

My stomach churns just imagining Chloe being physically hurt. “God, please don’t say that. If it were her… if she was…”

I can’t even form the words, so Dr. Kline says it for me. “If Chloe had scars from her injuries, would you not want anything to do with her?”

“Fuck… you know the answer to that.”

She smiles. “Right. I do, and I’m assuming that if this Chloe is as great as you say she is, then she’s not going to care about your scars. At least, not how you think she is.”

“It’s not just the scars, Dr. Kline. There’s more to it… I hurt her, and she’s not going to forgive me.”

“Don’t you think you should ask her that?”

I’m shaking my head, and Dr. Kline takes a step toward me. “Hear me out, Elias. Could it be that you’re scared? You’re scared if you tell her you’re sorry and she doesn’t forgive you, then it’s over and you have to move on.”

Just the thought makes me want to double over in pain. “I won’t. I can’t… I can’t move on.”

“Right. But is this fair to her? You said she wanted to talk to you and you said nothing.”

I suck in a breath as she continues. “I’m not sure, but I’m thinking she deserves more than the silent treatment.”

I nod. “She does.”

The thought of talking to Chloe is overwhelming, and I know Dr. Kline is right. I’ve been in unimaginable circumstances, I’ve survived heavy fire, bombs, and everything else, but I don’t know if I can survive Chloe not forgiving me. But even knowing that, I know what I have to do. “I’ll talk to her.”

Dr. Kline smiles at me, and I turn back to the window. Suddenly, I’m overcome with exhaustion. “We good for today?”

She walks back over to her chair and sits down. “Yes, I think we’re done for today. I think you made a lot of progress.”

I nod and make my way toward the door but stop before going out. “I’m sorry… for the language.”

She laughs out loud. “Oh no worries, Elias. I’m used to it.”

With a grimace, I nod my head and walk out of the office.