10. Elias

I want to believe her,I really do. But I’m not sure I can.

With her hand in mine, I stroke my thumb across hers. “Chloe, I look at myself in the mirror every morning. I know what I see.” I huff out a breath. “I came to tell you that I’m sorry. I should have at least reached out to you before now. I should have explained things to you instead of just leaving you hanging. I was so fucked up… but that’s not an excuse. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Chloe sadly shakes her head and squeezes my hand. “You’re forgiven.”

My mouth drops in shock. “Just like that… you forgive me?”

She smiles softly at me and nods her head. “Yes, I was hurt, but I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through the last five years. So yeah, I forgive you.”

I blow out a breath and search her face. She’s so fuckin’ beautiful. “I wish things were different, Chloe. I wish I was different.”

She scrunches her nose up. “What do you mean?”

I can’t look at her, so I look at the big oak tree in front of us. “I’m in a big, black hole, Chloe, and I can’t get myself out of it. I’m not bringing you down with me.” I suck in a breath, and my chest starts to ache knowing what I’m about to say. “I’m leaving.”

Even as I say the words, I regret them. I don’t want to leave, but I know it’s what’s best.

“Leaving?” she exclaims. “You’re just going to leave?”

She pulls her hand from mine, and I release her even if it’s the last thing I want to do. “Yeah. It’s for the best.” I blow out a breath. “I have a mission.”

She jerks back as if I’ve physically hit her. “You’re still doing those?”

I nod. “Yeah. Most of the time it’s in the cyber world now, but I have to be close in case things go awry.”

She’s still looking at me in shock. “Besides the scars, I’m fine, Chloe. I’m able to work, and people need me.”

She opens and closes her mouth as she shakes her head.

The silence is deafening, and I ask her, “What is it? Say what you want to say.”

She bites her lip. “Nothing. It’s nothing, Elias.”

I would give anything for things to be different, but it’s wishful thinking on my part. “I wish you’d yell at me, cuss me or something. Get it off your chest because we both know I deserve it.”

She wraps her arms around her legs. “I’m not going to yell at you.”

“I wish you would.”

She shakes her head and laughs. “For five years, I’ve thought about having your arms around me, your mouth on me and more. You said you’ve been through hell, and I believe you. Why would I yell at you?”

Her words make me feel even more guilty. There’s no part of me that thought I could come back and be with her. I wanted it more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I knew she deserved more. But I didn’t handle any of it the right way. “Because I deserve it.”

She shakes her head. “You really don’t.”

She’s looking at the oak tree now, and I stand up and stretch my legs. I move to stand in front of her and realize I’m being ridiculous. I want her eyes on me, and it’s crazy because for the last two years, I haven’t wanted anyone to look at me.

“I have to go.”

She shakes her head. “How long will you be gone? Are you coming back?”

Fuck, she’s a temptation I can’t resist. It’s probably good that I’m leaving because I need to put some distance between us. “I’m not sure. A week or two.”

She nods but asks again, “And then you’re coming back to Whiskey Run?”

Fuck, I should run as far and as fast as I can. How am I going to live in the same town with her and not be with her? A bomb didn’t kill me, but this likely will. “Yeah, I’m coming back to Whiskey Run.”

She’s just staring at me, and I can see in her face that she has a lot she wants to say. I wasn’t lying. I’d feel better if she just cussed me out and told me to leave her alone, but that’s not who Chloe is. She has such a good heart and wouldn’t think of kicking someone in the gut.

“Are you seeing that guy?” I point down the street at her gym.

Her mouth drops, and her eyes widen. “Who?”

I cross my arms over my chest. It’s none of my business if she’s seeing someone else—that’s what I’m telling myself anyway—but of course I want to know. “The guy at the gym.”

She looks almost pissed as she stands up, cocks her hip out, and crosses her arms over her chest. “Really? Is that what you think of me?”

I hold my hands up, but she doesn’t stop. She moves her hands to her hips. “You really think I’d be dating someone else and fucking you?” She rolls her eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but that was the first date with Ronnie, and I told him that night I couldn’t see him anymore.”

I practically growl out my response. “Really? Well, it doesn’t look like he’s taking no for an answer. Do you want me to take care of it?”

She laughs. “Take care of it? You sound like you’re in the mafia or something. Should I worry about Ronnie disappearing in the middle of the night or finding him buried out at the lake at the edge of town?”

I don’t laugh. If anything, I look at her with even more intensity. “If he doesn’t take no for an answer, then yeah, that’s a possibility.”

She laughs again, and when I don”t even crack a smile, she stops and raises her eyebrows. “Elias! That’s not funny. I can handle Ronnie.”

I take a step toward her. “You shouldn’t have to handle Ronnie. If he doesn’t leave you alone, I’ll handle it.”

I’m taking in deep breaths, and I try to control my anger as she walks to me and puts her hand on my chest. “Elias. I’m okay. He’s not bothering me.”

Her words don’t make me feel any better. “If he does, you’ll tell me?”

She’s shaking her head. “Elias—”

But I cut her off. “Promise me. If he bothers you, you’ll tell me.”

She takes a deep breath, searching my face. I can’t blame her for the look she’s giving me. One minute I’m telling her I’m leaving and can’t be with her, and the next I’m acting like a jealous boyfriend. I know I sound insane, but this is important to me. I won’t ever stand by while someone bothers her. “Promise me, Chloe.”

She blows out a breath in defeat. “I promise.”

I uncross my arms and run my hand through my hair. “I need to go.”

I barely get the words out before Chloe hurls herself at me. Her arms go around my waist, and she holds me tight. I forget to breathe, and when I feel as if I’m going to pass out, I suck in a breath as if I’ve been drowning. “Chloe—” I start.

She shakes her head against my chest. “I know, Elias. I know you’re leaving, I know you think you don’t deserve this and are dealing with demons, but please let me hug you.” She sniffles. “I need this.”

I can’t hold back any longer. I wrap my arms around her and hold her flush against my body. The feeling of her pressed against me feels perfect. Fuck, it feels like home. I give myself a minute and rub my hands up and down her back, trying to soothe her. The very last thing I want to do is leave her, but I know I need to. She shouldn’t depend on me because I’m not a good bet. But I can’t let her go.

I shouldn’t give her hope, but I rest my cheek on the top of her head and find myself murmuring, “A week. I’ll be gone a week.”

She holds me tighter. “And you’ll be okay? You’ll come back to me… I mean Whiskey Run?”

I turn my head and kiss the top of her head and then breathe her in. “Yes, honey. I’ll come back.”

She pulls back from me, tilts her head back, and looks up at me. “Promise.”

When I get lost in her eyes, she demands again, “Promise me, Elias. Promise that you’ll come back.”

I can’t deny her anything. “I promise.”

The relief on her face is obvious, and she finally smiles at me before bringing me in for another hug. “Thank you.”

Fuck, I feel awful. I hurt her in the worst way possible, and she’s thanking me for the fact that I told her I’d come back to her. I may not be able to be what she needs, but I can still try to make things right by her. I squeeze her, trying to commit the feel of her to memory before I step back. “I should go.”

She doesn’t want me to leave. Fuck, I don’t want to go, but I know if I stay here, I’m going to do something she’ll probably regret. I put my hand to her cheek, and even though I want to kiss her, I don’t. “Bye, Chloe. Take care of yourself while I’m gone. If the asshole messes with you, let me know.”

She interrupts me. “But I don’t know how to get ahold of you.”

My stomach does a little flip because I should keep her at a distance instead of letting her in. “I have the same number.”

Her mouth falls open, and she stares at me in shock. “The same number? The one from five years ago?”

I nod and croak, “Yeah.”

“So… that means all the calls I made to you… all the texts, begging you to text me back… you saw them?”

“My phone was destroyed, and it was months before I was out of the hospital and got a new one. No messages transferred to my new one.”

She bites onto her lip and nods her head. “Yeah, right, sorry.”

I put my thumb on her chin. “Please don’t tell me you’re sorry. I’m the one that is sorry.”

She looks as if she’s holding back tears, and it guts me to know I’m already hurting her again. I release her and step back. “Bye, Chloe. If you need me, text me or call me.”

She nods her head. “Okay, right, be safe, Elias.”

I turn to go, and she calls out to me, “Elias!”

I stop and look at her. She doesn’t say anything, but I know exactly what’s on her mind. Five years ago, I promised I’d come back to her, and I let her down. I can’t do that again. “I promise, Chloe. I’ll be back in a week. If it’s going to be longer, I’ll let you know.”

She sucks in a deep breath and nods her head. “Okay.”

I turn to go then without turning back because walking away from her is hard to do.