Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

We docked in Carlisle Bay, and Nicky showed me how to raise the quarantine flag, and our ensign, as we waited for customs officials to board and check our documents. Our guests were seated in the stern, waiting to be cleared so they could get in the water.

"Here." Nicky shoved a mask and snorkel in my face. "I think these will fit you. Do you need to practice your breathing? It can be tricky the first time you snorkel."

His overeager, excessively helpful personality was grating on my last nerve. Did he have to be so fucking chipper all the time? Yes, I was excited about going snorkeling, but I'd be damned if I gushed all over myself like he was. Keep your fucking jizz in your pants, dude .

But two hours later, we were in the water, and he was still at it.

"Cass! Check this out. I spotted turtles!"

Every few minutes, his head would pop out of the water, and he would shout excitedly before diving back down again. I sat on the beach, arms propped on my knees, with my snorkeling equipment dumped in a pile beside me in the sand. We weren't the only tourists on the beach, but it was still early enough in the day that it wasn't packed yet.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Sam plopped down next to me.

"It's all right, I guess."

He laughed, like he did at most everything I said. Not because I was a funny guy, but because he enjoyed my misery.

"What the fuck is your problem? You're sitting on a beach in the middle of paradise and it's not good enough for you?"

"I didn't say it wasn't good enough."

"You said it's just all right. Look around, Mattie. It doesn't get better than this."

Nicky popped up again, telling Cass about some kind of fish he identified, and Sam waved to him, smiling. He never smiled at me like that unless he was laughing at me.

"Have you ever snorkeled before?"

"It doesn't look difficult. I mean, if Nicky can do it, how hard can it be? "

"It's not difficult once you get the hang of it. I could show you," he offered. "There's a really cool shipwreck out there. Who knows, might be something worth seeing."

The only answer I gave him was a shrug of my shoulders. Yeah, I wanted to check it out. I didn't even mind having Sam be my snorkel instructor, but I wasn't going to make a fool of myself like Nicky was, and I'd rather swallow a sea urchin than be mistaken for a good boy like Nicky, just because I decided to play along for a couple of hours.

"Maybe you should stop sulking like a fucking toddler and grow a pair of balls. If you spend some time with him, maybe you'd see what makes him so special."

"I'm good, thanks."

"Suit yourself." He pushed to his feet, adjusted his mask and snorkel, and dove into the crystal-clear water. His toned body sluiced effortlessly through the calm surf as he made his way toward Cass and Nicky.

The longer I sat and watched them having fun together, the more my chest burned. Acid reflux had been my constant companion lately. Whether I was filled with anxiety or irrationally angry, it would hit with a vengeance. But this time I realized it wasn't either of those things I felt. It was jealousy, pure and simple.

Lately, I felt as if my struggle to fit in and feel normal took every ounce of my energy, and yet I still failed miserably. I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, with anyone anymore, like I was wearing a skin suit that was two sizes too small. I just didn't feel comfortable being me.

Yet Nicky made it look so easy. He was annoying and hyperactive and clingy and childish, but he was undeniably happy, and apparently loved by everyone. Certainly by Cass and Sam. What did he have that I didn't? And why did I even fucking care?

Because you want to be loved and happy.

Fuck Nicky. Fuck Cass and Sam. Positioning the mask over my face, I popped the mouthpiece of the snorkel between my lips and dove into the water.

And came up choking and sputtering for breath. Just another thing Nicky made look easy that wasn't!

Sam swam over to me, looking concerned. "You good?"

"Yeah," I coughed, spitting out a mouthful of salty water.

"First, let's start with your mask." He plucked the foggy lens from my face, dipped it in the seawater, and then spit in it, using his hand to polish the lens. "That should do it."

Sam repositioned it over my face and he was right—it didn't fog up this time. "Thanks."

"Now for the snorkel. It's okay to go underwater with it, but you've got to give it a good hard blow to clear the water out before you take a breath, got it?"

"I'll try." I blew hard on the rubber, trying to clear the water from the tube before experimenting with breathing through it. I could still feel droplets of water entering my lungs, but it was bearable, and also very, very loud. I sounded like Darth Vader with my heavy breathing.

"Come on, follow me." He kicked off, his flippers splashing water in my face.

We caught up with Cass and Nicky, who were stalking two sea turtles. He popped up again, grinning at me like a loon.

"Did you put on the reef-safe sunscreen I gave you?"

"Uh, no, I'm not wearing any."

His eyes popped out of his head. "You're gonna burn, Mattie!"

"It's Matt, and I don't burn easily. I've got olive skin."

"Don't worry, I have aloe vera gel on the boat. I'll rub you down later." Then he drove back under the water in search of turtles.

Like I'd let that do-gooder brown-noser put his hands on me. The only thing more annoying than Nicky was the way Sam was grinning at me, like he knew exactly how annoyed I was.

Rolling my eyes at him, I sucked in a deep breath and dipped my head under the water. Sam was right about one thing: the shipwreck was cool as fuck. There were a bunch of colorful fish—no doubt that Nicky knew the names of each one—and I spotted a stingray cruising over the sandy bottom. The shipwreck was covered in sea fans and sponges that swayed gently in the current. It was peaceful down here beneath the surface.

I wished I had my camera with me. The only time I felt at peace was when I was looking outwards through the lens of my camera, instead of within. Because within, there was only chaos and shame, confusion, and anxiety. Photography was my outlet.

We returned to the boat for lunch, showered off the salt water, and changed into shorts for a trip on land. Cass and Sam wanted to hit the market for foodstuffs, and Nicky wanted to check out the coral souvenirs. It took two trips in the small dinghy to usher us and our guests to the small marina where we'd docked.

The market teemed with locals and tourists, which you could easily tell apart. The locals had beautiful dark skin and wore hand-dyed fabrics in bright, bold colors. The tourists, on the other hand, were all sunburnt like lobsters.

"Hey, Nicky, you got that sunscreen with you?"

"Sure do," he answered, popping a small bottle from his rainbow cross-body bag.

So, he was gay? I guess that explained a lot when it came to Nicky's personality. What I found interesting wasn't that he liked to suck dick, but that he was my age, and yet so comfortable with himself and his sexuality. I wouldn't dream of wearing a Pride purse in a million years.

"Thanks," I responded, taking the lotion from him.

"Oohh, look!" He walked over to a booth that sold handmade jewelry. "I'll take this one," he told the vendor, choosing a white necklace made of shells, and handed him a couple bucks. "Here you go, Mattie. This is for you."

I ignored the fact that he called me Mattie again. He must've got it from Sam. "For me?"

"Don't you remember?" he giggled. "You once told me you loved my necklace. It was at the grocery store where you used to work."

He must be talking about the same necklace he was wearing, an identical replica of the one he held out to me. "Vaguely," I answered truthfully.

He ducked behind me and slipped the necklace around my throat, clasping it behind my neck. "Now we match," he chirped, grinning from ear to ear.

Did I want to match him, like junior high BFFs? Not really. But I was oddly touched by the gesture. It wasn't as if I had a lot of friends, not that I wanted him to be my first, necessarily. Glancing at myself in the mirror on the vendor's table, I had to admit, the puka shell choker looked pretty badass around my neck .

"Thanks, Nicky."

He threw his skinny arms around me and squeezed, and when he finally let go, I rubbed at my chest, the damn acid reflux coming back again in full force. Fucking feelings, they sucked.