Chapter 20

I feelnumb as I head back to the house. I'm good at switching off my emotions. In fact, since the age of seven, I've been a fucking expert at it. There were times, as a kid, my dad would scream at me with such violence, he'd spit on my face, and I vividly remember feeling nothing. I'd just watch him with abstract curiosity as the veins in his forehead bulged.

Turning my emotions off saved me, and it's a skill that's served me well into adulthood. When my brother got locked up, I felt one moment of acute pain before I was able to twist that pain into determination.

Determination is far more useful than pain.

Pain keeps you fearful. It keeps you paralyzed.

I recognized that fear and pain in Lux back there on the beach, and my gut tightens just remembering that look in her eyes. But how much of the story is true, and how much of it is what she believes happened? She said herself that a few of the details of that night are murky.

Fuck.

It's messed up, either way.

I shouldn't have left her on the beach like that, but my mind is spinning. I don't know what to make of what I just heard. I mean, fuck, what am I supposed to say to something like that?

I shouldn"t have pushed her to tell me.

I couldn't help it, though. I want to know every-fucking-thing about her. I want to peer into every corner of her soul, explore every dark crevice. And with every crumb of information she doles out, it just feeds my hunger more. I feel like a starving man surviving on scraps.

And when I'd pinned her down on the sand, and saw the fear in her eyes, I had to know what was at work behind those moss-green eyes. I wasn't going to let it go.

Be careful what you wish for, right?

I stash my surfboard in the garage, then head up to my room to shower and change quickly. I don't see Lux when I come back out of the shower, and I wonder where she is. She's probably still on the beach. I can just imagine her alone, sitting with all of the emotions I tore out of her. It's my fault she's in pain, and I'm a fucking asshole for abandoning her like that.

I grab my phone, and check the tracker. I installed one on her phone last night while she was sleeping. It's a shitty move, but I need to know where she is, especially with all the Tyler shit going on. And to make sure she isn't running off to Ash again, if I'm being honest.

I wait for the tracker to update, and when it does, it shows she's back here at the house. She must be downstairs, in the kitchen or something, and relief washes over me.

I dress quickly, and grab my backpack, then head out the front, hoping to avoid Lux. I just can't face that pain on her face. Not now. Not yet. So, instead, I do what I do best, and push the uncomfortable feelings away.

But just a half-hour later, I'm sitting in my digital systems class, and my thoughts drift back to Lux, to the agony I saw in her eyes. Reaching up, I rub my sternum, trying to ease the pressure that's building in my chest. I don't want to feel anything for her, but, damn, when tears were rolling down her flushed cheeks, I felt desperate. Like, I'd do anything to take those tears away.

I mean, fuck, I'd rip out my own heart, and present her with the twitching, blood-soaked organ if there was even a chance it would take her pain away.

Clenching my jaw, I force those thoughts away. I have to detangle my emotions from her, somehow. Fucking is one thing, but the emotions of it…yeah, I can't let her distract me from what needs to be done.

Just a few more weeks, and all of this chaos will be over. Lux and I can go our separate ways, forget any of this ever happened. But I have the sinking feeling that's going to be easier said than done.

Once you get a taste of her, trust me, brother, you'll always want her.

My brother's words just circle, and circle, and circle in my head. It's a dark warning. And, the truth is, my brother and I aren't all that different. We have different fathers, but our upbringing was the same. Chaos. Violence. Cruelty, and if my dad is good at anything, it's making money, and creating monsters.

Was I always like this?

I cast my mind back to my childhood, searching for that fork in the road, that moment when I chose to embrace the devil inside. The answer comes easily. Highschool. That was the first time I realized I could fight back. It was the first time my dad hit me, and I came back at him with ten times the force, a right hook straight to the jaw.

That was the last time he ever laid a hand on me.

That's the exact moment I realized control is power. No one could tell me shit after that. No one. And no one even dared.

Until Lux.

She's not afraid of me.

She's strong, and snarky, and sexy as fuck.

What's wrong with me? I hate her, but I can't get enough of her. I'd fucking crawl inside her, if I could. I want to taste her, fuck her, strangle her. I want to inflict pain, then soothe it away.

I want to glut myself on her until there's nothing left of either of us.

Get a fucking grip, dude.

Lux is a means to an end. That's it. Nothing more. I have to remember that. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy her body. I just need to keep my fucking emotions out of it.

Feel nothing.

That's my new mantra.

Feel. Nothing.