Chapter Thirty-Three

Brayden

I watch her run off, and I know exactly what's going on in her mind, because I'm grappling with this too. The past few weeks, I have been so annoyed with Jordy, I can barely breathe. I'm angry at this fucking charade. I'm mad that she's trampled all over my comforts as I maintain hers. I'm mad that she's staying on the ranch, and that her parents are here this weekend, as if we never broke up at all.

Yet, I don't want to hurt her. It's one thing to have told her I cheated, but once she finds out it's Nina…

I'm both looking forward to moving on with Nina and feeling completely gutted about telling Jordy the truth.

It had surprised me that Nina still sat with us, but her presence brought me peace. My mistake was touching her shoulder. I shouldn't have done that. It was irresponsible and completely disrespectful to Jordy. I don't even know why I did it, except that it was hard to be that close to her and not touch her. But when she jerked out of my reach, I was instantly brought back to reality. Even worse, Jordy thought I was being affectionate with her, which will only confuse things when the truth finally comes out.

Then Nina ran. I knew if I didn't check in with her, she was going to tell herself all kind of stories that would make her believe we shouldn't happen.

I care that we're about to hurt a lot of people, but I love Nina more—and I won't lose her again.

"Go find your parents. I'm going to use the restroom really quick," I tell Jordy. She nods, not even bothering to question me.

As soon as her back is turned, I'm off and running, watching Nina weave in and out of the crowd, frantically looking around. Finally she dips behind a pillar next to the ship railing. If I hadn't seen her disappear, I wouldn't know where to find her.

I look behind me to make sure no one is following me, then I slip toward the same place Nina is. Her back is to me, her shoulders heaving under her wrap as she looks out at the ocean. I hesitate, knowing she's processing some heavy feelings right now. Even in her grief, she's easily the most beautiful person on this ship. Her hair is like silk, cascading down her back in soft waves. I've never seen it this color, and it's mesmerizing. Her curves are celebrated in the dress she's wearing, the way it tapers at her waist and skims over her hips. I want to run my hand over the pale-yellow satin, to feel the smoothness of it over the warmth of her body.

I can't hold back any longer. I reach out, my hand brushing her hair aside to find the warmth of her neck. She doesn't jump or try to move away. She just breathes, her shoulders relaxing slightly as she leans into my touch.

"Nina, please talk to me."

She turns, her eyes red and filled with tears, and she shakes her head. "I can't do this, Bray. I can't hurt her like this."

"I know this is hard, Sweetheart," I murmur. "There are no winners here. Either she gets hurt, or we do, and Nina, sometimes you need to choose you."

"Yeah, but this is such a fucked up way to do it. Every time I think about what we've done, what we're going to do, I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like the worst person in the world."

"But you're not," I tell her, cupping her face in my hand. She closes her eyes, running her cheek against my palm. A fresh tear escapes her eyes. "Sugar, neither one of us wanted to hurt anyone. But don't you think we fell into each other's lives for a reason? Don't you think fate had a hand in bringing us together? Because I do."

"The list," she whispers.

"What list?"

She opens her eyes, then takes a step away from me, wiping her eyes. "Nothing. Something stupid and childish. It doesn't matter because we can't do this."

"Nina, please. Don't do this." I reach for her, but she turns her head. My hand drops at my side. "I can't live without you."

"Yes, you can," she says. Her mouth forms a firm line, and I can almost see the tears she's holding back. "You have, and you will. We need to stop before we're in too deep."

"We're already in too deep." God, the desperation I feel. The sheer panic that's racing through my veins. I'm watching her slip through my fingers, right in front of me, and it feels like death calling me.

"I can't," she says, but it comes out like a whimper. I see her lower lip tremble, the tears now cascading down her cheeks as she looks at me. Her eyes are so damn blue I could lose myself in them. My heart shatters for her. This time when I reach for her, she doesn't break away. She leans into my chest, wrapping her arms around me.

"I love you so goddamn much," she says. "And I'm fucking mad at our timing. Why couldn't we meet all those years ago when I was at the ranch? Why couldn't you come home from college and see me and let me see you? We could have bypassed all of this mess."

"I wasn't ready for you," I tell her, then kiss the top of her head. "And you weren't ready either. We both had so much healing to do that we wouldn't even have recognized each other if we'd met." I lean back, and she looks up into my eyes. "I know it's messy, but I think we met at the perfect time. Because Nina, I see you. I can see all the way to your soul, and there is no one I'd rather be with than you."

She looks to the side, sighing out a shaky breath. "I'm so torn."

"I know." I smooth the hair from her face, run my finger along her eyebrow, her cheekbone, her perfect little earlobes.

"I'm sick and tired of constantly worrying about what my family will think," she forces out, then huffs a laugh. "I mean, they already think I'm shit. They think I've done all these terrible things, but this time they'll be right." She looks at me. "Except, things with Jordy are different. We were once so close. She was the only person I could tell everything to, and when we lost that, I felt like I'd lost a piece of my soul. To have her back in my life…" Nina wipes at her eyes. "I can't do this to her. I can't even believe I did."

"We're over though," I say, the panic welling up in me again. This feels an awful lot like goodbye.

"It doesn't matter," Nina says. Her face crumples briefly, but she then regains her composure. "You're off limits. Once you became hers, you were never supposed to be mine."

"Nina." The tears fall from my eyes before I know they're there. She looks up, then places a gentle hand on my face. With the lightest of touches, she smooths away the tears, but more keep coming. "Please don't do this," I whisper. "It was supposed to be you. It was always supposed to be you."

"You'll survive this," she whispers. "So will I."

I watch her face, searching for something to hold on to, anything that tells me she doesn't mean what she's saying. It's not there. I can see her sadness, but I also see her resolve.

It's over.

I hang my head, my arms dropping slightly. She falls into me, and I immediately wrap my arms around her, not letting go. Once I let go, I'll lose her forever. As if she understands this, she remains in my embrace. I feel the shudder of her body, the sobs coursing their way through her, my own body shaking as I lose the woman I love. I close my eyes, breathing in the lilac scent of her hair, the sweet perfume of her skin, feel the weight of her body against mine for the very last time.

"You fucking whore."

We let go of each other at the same time, whipping around to face Jordy standing there with rage in her eyes, her lip upturned at the sight of us, tension racking her whole body.

"It was you? You're the bitch who's been fucking my fiancé?"

"I'm not your fiancé," I remind her, and she lands a glare on me.

"But you were, Brayden. And she," Jordy jerks her head in Nina's direction, "she's just been biding her time to steal the one thing that means anything to me. It wasn't enough to steal all our grandmother's money, she had to have my man too. Well, are you happy, bitch? Have you gotten everything you wanted? Or can I offer you anything else of mine to take from me?"

I grip Nina's shoulders as Jordy's blows land exactly where she wanted them to. I can feel it in the way Nina tenses, in the frozen air around us.

"That's enough, Jordy," I say through clenched teeth. "Those are lies, and you know it."

"Really Brayden? You want to talk to me about lies? How about telling me you love me while you're fucking my cousin?"

"You're causing a scene," I hiss at her, aware of the eyes that have pivoted in our direction. "We can all talk about this, but don't ruin Ethan and Claire's wedding over this."

She looks around, as if noticing for the first time the spotlight we have on us. She looks at Nina again.

"As far as I'm concerned, you can go to fucking hell," she hisses. "I never want to see your face or hear your name again."

At this, Nina wrenches from my grasp and runs through the forming crowd, disappearing from sight. Jordy spins on her heel and walks away in the opposite direction. I move to take off in Nina's direction, but I feel a firm hand on my bicep, giving me enough pause to look at who's holding me.

Dan Gallo, Jordy's dad. Fuck .

"Sir, with all due respect, let me go."

"Son, you lost my respect about five minutes ago."

This stops me, and I stay where I am, even when he drops my arm.

"You owe my daughter," he says.

"Sir, I've been owing your daughter our whole relationship, and I can't do it anymore. I know what I did was wrong, but I was drowning with Jordy. We both want different things, and we're still trying to make it work. But Sir, there's not enough there to hold the pieces together. She knows it, and I do too."

"I know."

I narrow my eyes at him, caught off guard. "You know ?"

"It doesn't take a genius to see that you two were polar opposites. Hell, Lil and I have had so many discussions trying to figure out the puzzle of you two. I quickly realized it was because of the baby."

I look away. "I never meant to get your daughter pregnant."

"We didn't mean it either when Jordy was on the way. Luckily it worked out for us. Lil drives me crazy, and that woman has an opinion for everything. But she also comes from a deep place of hurt and at the end of the day, she needs to know someone is on her side." Dan gives me a meaningful look. "I'm afraid my daughter is a lot like her mother. Neither one of them had the kind of mother they needed, and they've looked for it in the men they love. Jordy needed that from you."

I close my eyes, feeling every ounce of my regret in a deep sigh. "I couldn't be that for her," I say softly.

"Then you never should have promised it." He looks in the direction where Jordy left. "You may not love her, but I know you care about her, and Brayden, you owe my daughter a conversation. It might not fix anything, but it will at least give her a chance to be heard, and maybe find some closure."

"But Nina…" I trail off, knowing that his niece is hardly his concern. That she hasn't been the concern of anyone in her family. But I'm surprised by the compassion I see in his eyes.

"Her mom is taking care of it."

"Are you sure? Because Poppy seems to make everything worse when it comes to Nina."

"I know," Dan admits. "I think there are a lot of conversations that need to be had for any kind of healing to take place."

I pause, then nod. This is probably the most Dan has ever said to me—or to anyone, that I can recall. But at this moment, I realize he probably knows more about the family than any of us.

"Thank you, Sir," I say. I start to reach out my hand to shake his, but falter when his hand remains at his side. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one who needs those words," he says.

I find Jordy in another corner of the ship, sitting on a chair and desperately trying to hide that she's crying. Curious glances turn her way, but not one person has offered to help. I want to ask what their problem is, if they find the tears of a grieving woman that entertaining. But I'm the asshole who made her cry.

This is my fault .

I take the seat closest to her, then scoot it even closer. She doesn't move away, but the way her crying stills lets me know she's aware of my presence. I reach for her hand, but she jerks it away.

"You don't get to touch me," she hisses. But she doesn't leave, either. I wait, staying at her side while she stares out at the ocean from where we sit. "You could have picked…" She stops herself, shaking her head with a sardonic laugh. "No, I guess it doesn't matter who you picked. It never should have happened."

"You're right," I say. "I should have done a lot of things differently."

"I just … I had plans," she says, her eyes filling with tears as she meets mine. "Before we met, I had all these damn plans for my life. I was going to go places, see the world, figure myself out before I settled into a career. College was just a pitstop while I summoned my courage to leave. Then we had that one night…" She looks up at the sky, as if cursing the heavens. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Not then, and not ever. I didn't even want to be a mother. But I fell in love with her, or at least the idea of her, only to have her yanked away. It shouldn't have been like this. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

"You didn't do anything," I tell her. I dare to lean forward to take her hand again. This time she lets me, clutching my hand as if I'm going to keep her from drowning. But I can't save her anymore. "And you would have been a wonderful mother."

"That's the thing, Brayden, I wouldn't have. Is it unfair to say I was relieved when it happened? I was devastated. But a small part of me felt like a huge amount of pressure had just left my shoulders. When they told me I couldn't have kids, well…" She looks at me now, her forehead furrowed in grief. "I was so sad for you. I loved how excited you were to become a father, and how sweet you took care of me." She squeezes my hand while I remain silent. There's so much I want to say, but right now, I know my role is to listen. "That's th e thing about you, Bray. You were always so good to me. The way you visited so often, or sent me care packages to let me know you were thinking of me. How you'd rub my belly and talk to our little bean."

I smile at this, even if I feel the hole that's been torn in my heart since the day we lost our daughter.

"Then you asked me to marry you, and…" She looks away, a sob choking in her throat. I hold her hand tight, and she doesn't let go, even as her shoulders shake. My heart breaks for her in this moment, and for me too. Amidst the hard parts of our relationship, there were also a lot of good parts. I know I loved her, at least in some sense of the word. I could have even married her, had I not met a woman who showed me what I needed.

"I never should have asked you," I say softly. "Neither one of us was ready. We barely knew each other. We weren't even in love."

"I know," she says, looking at me a bit sadly. "But I was glad you did, and for a while, it was easy to believe you really loved me, and that I loved you." She takes her hand back and then folds herself into the chair. She always does this when she's uncomfortable—makes herself as small as possible like she can't take up space. I know damn well it has to do with how she was raised, how her mother made her believe that she had to be perfect to be worthy. Now we're having this conversation, admitting all the things our relationship lacked, and she's here making herself small.

"You deserve someone who believes you are the brightest part of their world," I tell her. She laughs, rolling her eyes at this.

"I don't think there's anyone in the world who has that kind of patience."

"You're not impossible to love," I say forcefully. "I know because I loved you. Maybe not the way I should have, but there are a lot of things about you that are easy to love, and it's time you actually believed that."

"If I were so easy to love, why is it hard for you now? If you hadn't found…" She stumbles over the words, then catches herself. "If you hadn't found her, could you have stayed with me?"

"I probably would have," I admit. "But not for the reasons you want me to. It would be to fulfill a duty, to keep the promise I made to you." I look her in the eyes, searching her dark iris for some truth. "Would you have been happy if I did?"

She's silent for a moment, breathing in and out as she doesn't break eye contact. Then her mouth forms a small smile.

"No," she says softly. She drops her head in her hands for a moment, then brushes her hair off her face. "Isn't that so odd? We were strangers when we found out I was pregnant. I didn't even know your last name. When you asked me to marry you, and then kept our engagement after we lost the baby, I knew you weren't the right person for me, and that I wasn't right for you. You're a family man, through and through. Me, I can't wait to escape my hometown, to see new places and try new things. Being with you tied me down. Even when you agreed to entertain the idea of New York, I knew it wasn't for you. I knew, and I held you to it anyway, because I wanted at least a portion of my dream, even if it meant making you give up yours." She sighs then, and starts to hug herself into a tighter ball. But it's like she sees herself, and she cautiously unfolds, sitting on the chair with her arms draped over each arm rest. She looks up at the ceiling and lets out a deep, audible breath—like she's releasing every single bit of grief from her soul.

"Damn, we needed this conversation," she says. She looks at me then, and her mouth twists slightly. "Don't get me wrong, you're a fucking asshole." She's grinning now, and I laugh out loud.

"Jordy, I never deserved you," I say.

She appraises me for a moment. "No. No, you didn't." She inhales, then lets it out. "But God, we had some fun, didn't we? "

"We did, and we grew a lot too."

She nods slowly. Then she gives me a hard look. "But of all people, why Nina? If you had to stray, which was such an asshole move, why did it have to be her?"

I don't have an easy answer for her, even though I know it.

You know when you walk outside and the air just feels right, the sun shining on your skin in a way that penetrates your soul and leaves you with goosebumps? How you'll inhale, and you're aware of every millimeter of expansion and how your whole body is taking in breath? How every person who crosses your path meets you with a smile, how the smallest gesture of witnessed kindness brings tears to your eyes? How it feels to wrap someone you care about in an all-engulfing hug, only to receive one in return?

This is how it felt when I first laid eyes on Nina, and how I knew I'd spend every day of my life saving her, because it felt like she was saving me.

"I can't explain it," I tell Jordy. "It was like everything inside me was calling out to her, without regard of timing or who it could hurt. I couldn't help but fall for her. I'm just sorry I didn't treat your heart with more care."

She looks away, and I know my words have scraped her tender heart. But I can't take them back, nor do I want to. I can't live a lie any longer.

"Do you love her?" she asks. She turns back to me, peering into my face for the answer. I nod, and she takes a sharp inhale. "Are you going to marry her?"

"Come on Jordy, you don't want to know this."

Because yes, I love her, and if she'll have me, I'd marry the fuck out of her. But the way she ran off, I'm not sure she's coming back.

"I'll understand if you hate me," I continue. "What I did to you is unforgivable, and you didn't deserve it. But Jordy, Nina loves you. When you saw us together, she was telling me she couldn't be with me because she loves you too much."

Jordy huffs a laugh. "So much that she slept with you behind my back." She shakes her head, then glares at her hands. I watch as the anger falters, fading into sadness. "She was really breaking up with you?"

I nod. "She said you were the only person she could tell everything to, and that losing you was like losing a piece of her soul."

"She said that?" Jordy's face crumples. "Why was she with you then?"

"She didn't know at first. Neither of us knew about our mutual connection to you, and we fought it, especially after that family dinner."

"What the hell? It's been going on since then?"

"No. Yes. Not exactly." I shake my head. "We never acted on it until…" But I stop. She doesn't need the details, and she's not asking for them. "We couldn't have helped it if we tried, and lord, Jordy, we tried." I look at the ground. "But I guess it doesn't matter now, does it." I can't believe my whole life changed in an instant, and we're still stuck on this damn ship. We've missed most of the after party, but I could care less. I'm ready to go home and sleep this off.

I look at Jordy. "Can you find it in your heart to forgive her?"

She shakes her head no, but then falters. "I mean, I don't know. I loved her. I still love her. She was my first friend, and when we reconnected, it felt like old times. It's hard not to feel like she played me for a fool, or if I can even trust her when all she told me were lies."

"She's not a bad person," I say. Jordy starts to protest, but I stop her. "You have no idea what that girl's been through. Your whole family has pegged her as the villain, starting with a time when she needed all of you the most. She's been living with that weight ever since." I shake my head. "What we did was so wrong, but we also fell in love. As much as I want her back, I want the two of you to find your way back to each other. You're family."

She stands just as the ship reaches the dock. Everyone is starting to move toward the side of the boat. I stand too, and we face each other. If we'd stayed together, in a few short months, we'd be standing this way again, but with her in white. I can see the defeat in her eyes. The knowledge that what we had was over. The heartache of betrayal.

We did this to her. I did this to her.

"I'll think about it," she says. "Right now, I just need to be mad."