Chapter Thirty-Two

Nina

The day of the wedding arrives, and I wake up with a start, the butterflies already churning tornadoes in my belly.

Brayden has been at my house almost every night this week. I know he and Jordy broke up, but I can't help feeling like we're playing with fire, like she'll somehow catch on. At this point, though, would it matter? Because after today, the secret will be out.

It's why I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited too. Knowing we won't have to sneak around is an exhilarating thought, and a reality I can't wait to experience. But this could be the end of me being a part of my family forever. Sure, the bridge has been burned time and time again, but this final act could incinerate it.

As much as my family drives me crazy, I don't know if I can handle complete exile.

Still, if these nightly visits are just a taste of what's to come, I'll take anything life throws at me. My mind drifts to just last night, my body still aching from all the ways he wore me out and put me to sleep before he slipped out. Now that he has his own key, his comings and goings are on a whim, and I find myself watching the door constantly.

Like now, though I know he's working the ranch before it's time to get ready, and finalizing the charade he and Jordy are playing. Aunt Lil and Uncle Dan showed up last night, bunking with Jordy in her cabin. While I know this is all part of the plan, my veins are flowing with pure jealousy. I have to keep reminding myself that we're at the finish line.

I also have to remind myself that we're about to tromp on the heart of someone I care about very much.

I've done a great job this past week of glossing over the morality of this situation, but I can't ignore the fact that Jordy will be crushed when she finds out what happens. Having our moms hate me is one thing, I'm used to that by now. But Jordy? That's been a relationship I've missed for years, and now that we're cautiously friends again, I'm about to drive the stake in her heart.

She never should have trusted me.

I spend the next two hours getting ready. Maren is busy doing Maid of Honor duties with Claire, which means I'm on my own to apply makeup with shaky fingers and keep the heater on high as my nerves add ice to my veins. I have this strange thought to call my mom, as if my mom will offer calming words of encouragement. When has she ever done that, though? How could I tell her any of this? It's more likely that she'd tell me what a whore I am, and all the ways I'm an embarrassment to our family.

She wasn't always like this, though. I mean, she was never that great in her mothering. There was always this edge to her where I needed softness, and she was constantly on me about my weight. But sometimes, she knew the right words to say at the exact right moments. Like when Stacy Kendrick told me my hair looked like yarn, and my mom told me it reminded her of spun gold, like the kind in Rumpelstiltskin, that everyone wanted hair like that. Or when David Emery snapped my bra in front of the whole class, and my mother reminded me of how warped boys were that they had no clue how to tell a girl they liked her. "They don't change much with age," my mom told me. "Boys would rather show off than bare their feelings. Just ask your father."

"It's ingrained in us," my father confirmed. "Just look at how birds flaunt around hens." And with that, he strutted around the kitchen with his arms as wings, then planted a kiss on my mom's lips. She just rolled her eyes.

When was the last time I'd laughed with my parents, or even enjoyed their company? When have they enjoyed mine? After the news of my home wrecking goes on blast, will they ever speak to me again?

My phone rings just then, and when I look at the name on the screen, my heart leaps. A small smile tugs at my lips as I answer.

"Hey, you," I say.

"Hey, Sugar," Brayden says. His voice is like honey, soothing my ruminations with just one word. "How are you feeling?"

I sigh, spinning my chair away from my makeup table. "Let's see, my makeup looks like shit, my hair is sticking out weird no matter what I do, my undergarments feel tight, and my skin is all blotchy because I keep going from hot to cold to hot. But, I'm good."

His laugh is a low rumble on the other side of the phone, and it makes me wish he were here.

"Do we have to do this?" I ask.

He's silent for a moment. But then, "You don't want to be with me?"

"No! I mean the whole wedding thing. Telling everyone. Shining a spotlight on any of this. Can't we just run away together and not let anyone know?"

"Sugar, just say the word, and I'm there. I'm more than willing to blow all of this off. I just want you."

I take a deep breath in, willing my racing heart to slow its roll. "We have to," I groan. "My parents will be there. My aunt and uncle. Jordy would absolutely murder you."

"I'm not worried about Jordy," he says.

"Well, I am. We're about to completely blow up her whole world. The least you can do is hold up your end of the bargain."

"You mean lie to everyone."

"Exactly."

There's silence again, but I can hear him breathing. I close my eyes, lulling myself by the sound of his breath, wishing I could be his air.

"I miss you," he says quietly.

"I miss you too," I say. "Only a few more hours to go." As we say our goodbyes, I can't help feeling like time passed so quickly only for these next few hours to feel like an eternity.

The wedding is on a small dinner cruise ship that will sail into the heart of Sunset Bay. I stand at the back of the line on my own as everyone files onto the vessel. For the occasion, I chose to strip the color from my hair and leave it platinum, which to me, sometimes feels more dramatic than dyeing it pink or mermaid—more vulnerable because I'm showing the world the real me. I'm wearing a pale-yellow strapless dress with a faux fur wrap, strappy stiletto heels, and a simple gold chain with a small hoop in the center. I feel elegant in this dress, though I haven't compared myself to Jordy yet. Knowing her, she'll show everyone up—including the bride—without even trying.

I can see my parents near the front, my mom wearing a ridiculous purple hat with netting on it, which matches her purple dress and jacket. She's leaning toward my dad, either gossiping about someone or nagging him on something he isn't doing right.

Aunt Lil and Uncle Dan are in front of them. My aunt looks back, gauging the line behind her, and I duck behind the person in front of me. When I look back up, it's Brayden's eyes that catch mine. He and Jordy are in front of my aunt and uncle, but all I see is him. For a moment, time slows down and it's just us. His mouth quirks into a smile, and I feel so utterly calm in his presence.

But it's all interrupted when Jordy plants a big kiss on his cheek, then laughs at something her mom says. I can't see what she's wearing from back here but can tell she looks perfect. Her face is expertly contoured, highlighting her already chiseled cheekbones. Her lips are a rusty shade of red, accentuated by her glowing white smile. Her hair is piled into the perfect twist, with a few tendrils escaping, as if on accident. I look away sharply, my heart suffering a sudden pain at just knowing Brayden's there with her, and she looks so beautiful. He's not mine, but he is. Even knowing I only have a short while left to endure this, I can't help thinking I might not survive.

"Well, hey there sexy," Maren's raspy voice says beside me. I turn to her, relieved at the distraction, only to find my friend looking like a goddamn vixen. Usually Maren wears black, but somehow Claire talked her into wearing jade green, and it looks incredible against her fair skin. Even though Maren is super slender, the dress finds all her curves and accentuates them. It dips low in the front, and she is wearing a drop necklace that rests daringly between her breasts. "Damn, Maren. You look fucking hot!"

"I almost didn't let her leave the house," a low voice says, and I turn to see Mac with his luscious beard, filling out his grey suit in ways that should be illegal. I no longer lust after him, now that Maren's snagged him as her own, but I can't help thinking of those days when he was my neighbor, teasing every housewife in the area with his near naked strolls.

Now he's just my hot as hell Realtor.

"Naked Coff… Mac! Great to see you, you look well," I say, then widen my eyes at Maren, as if Mac can't see. He's fighting a smile when I look back at him.

"Don't inflate his ego," Maren says. "He already has a hard time fitting through the door with that big head of his."

"That's not my head," he murmurs in her ear. I bite back a laugh as Maren gives him a mock glare at his audacity.

The line moves quicker now, especially with Maren keeping me company. She gabs about all the ways Claire choreographed this whole wedding, and how perfectly imperfect it's been, starting with the photographer calling in sick this morning.

"Luckily she knows a bunch of talented people," Maren says. "She ended up hiring this college student who makes extra cash photographing her book crafts. He's never done people, but what the hey."

"Damn," I breathe. I can only imagine how much Claire is freaking out. But when I say so, Maren shakes her head.

"Last I saw her, she was finishing her second glass of brut. She's such a lightweight, she's nothing but smiles."

"And you're not there with her?" I ask, realizing that this is probably when Claire needs her most.

"She's fine," Maren says. "But we both know how hard today will be." She gives me a sympathetic look. "How are you holding up?" she asks, then tilts her head in Brayden's direction. They've just boarded, and he takes one last look at me. It's brief, as Jordy drags him off into the crowd.

"I'm okay," I tell Maren. But I feel like an ass. I haven't told her or Claire that Brayden and I reconciled, or even what our plans are after today. I don't want anything to overshadow Ethan and Claire's wedding. But looking at my friend now, I'm dying to tell her everything.

We board the ship, the last in line to do so, and I turn to Maren.

"Listen, I—" It's then that I notice my mom staring in my direction. She says something to my father, then starts heading our way.

Fuck. It's not the time. Just a few more hours, and I'm free.

"Thank you for staying with me," I say to Maren. "But you should be with Claire."

She shoots me a grateful smile. "Mac can stay with you," she says, but I shake my head. I hardly know her boyfriend. Even though he's working to find me a place for my new shop, almost all our business dealings have been handled through emails and texts. With my mom just seconds away, I can't bear the idea of him overhearing anything she has to say to me. Because it won't be nice.

"I'll just check out what's happening at the bar," Mac says, then offers me a sideways hug. "Hang in there, kid."

They both leave just as my mom reaches me. "So typical that you're late," my mom says. I turn to see her appraising me, stopping at my midsection. "Did you forget to wear your Spanx?"

I didn't forget, and now I feel like a cow. But what's new?

"Nice to see you, Mother," I say coolly. "I think you were shaming me publicly the last time we spoke. Good to see times haven't changed."

Her face takes on a look of shock, then she catches herself. "Yes, well, if you'd call once in a while, we'd have plenty of pleasant conversations too."

"Oh, right. All those mother-daughter heart-to-hearts we always have." I tilt my head and pout in mockery. "I miss those."

She seems at a loss of words, which is rare. Then she glances around to see who's witnessing this exchange. Leave it to my mother to worry more about the opinions of strangers than that of her own daughter's.

"Since you don't have a date, your father is saving a seat for you next to us."

I groan, thinking of what it will be like to sit with my mother for a whole ceremony. But before I can answer, an arm slides around my waist.

"She's with us, Aunt Poppy," Jordy says. I look to her and feel both relief at the quick save, and total dread at sitting next to the fake fiancé of the man I love. But at this moment, she feels like the safer option. I grin at her, then look at my mom.

"Sorry, guess I'm taken." Then I let Jordy lead the way. She laughs once we're out of earshot, and I can't help but join in.

"I could see the venom in your stance a mile away. I did this purely to save Aunt Poppy from getting her eyes scratched out." Jordy grins at me, then gestures at the row we're in.

"Trust me, I'm not ruining this paint job on that sow," I say, showing my gorgeous French manicure with glittery tips. I laugh, but my laugh falters when I see Brayden sitting in the row I'm about to enter. Our eyes meet, but I'm the first to look away, aware of Jordy standing so close to me. I look at her, checking to see if she noticed anything.

"You first," I prompt, making way for her. I take a moment to study what she's wearing, and yup, flawless. It's simple and black, but completely form hugging—and Jordy has curves in all the right ways. Her tan skin is practically glowing, and despite the slight chill in the air, she wears nothing to cover herself up, nor shows any sign of being cold. Her jewelry is silver and diamonds, adding the perfect amount of sparkle to her outfit. She easily outshines everyone here, especially me. I thought I looked very Andie Anderson in this dress. Now I feel like Big Bird. Especially as her perfect ass sways down the aisle before she sits next to Brayden, and I waddle after her .

The seats fill quickly as soon as the orchestra begins playing. I wrap my shawl around me, feeling alone as Jordy steals most of Brayden's attention. My parents are in the seats in front of us, and my dad turns around and squeezes my hand.

"You look beautiful, Antonina," he says. When my mom uses my full name, it's because I'm in trouble. But when my dad uses it, it's because he's proud of me. It's been a while since he's said it, and I glow under the compliment.

My mom doesn't even acknowledge me.

"You really do," Jordy whispers once my dad has turned back around. I blush under her compliment.

"Thanks, but nothing compared to you. You look so elegant."

"I forgot I even had this dress," Jordy says. "It's very last season, but it works."

It's not last season. It's timeless, and I know she knows this. But I still kind of appreciate her humbleness, which feels genuine—which makes me feel like an absolute ogre.

The orchestra finishes their song, and then allows for a moment's pause. When they play again, I recognize it as an acoustic version of "Fever Dream," by Iron & Wine, not readily known but a surprisingly perfect song for the wedding party to walk down the aisle. I turn with everyone else, and see Ethan walk first.

As long as I've been alive, there's been Ethan. My dad and his brother are very close, which means we spent a lot of time with Ethan's family. But when Ethan's dad, Uncle Tom, split for another woman, my dad cut ties with his brother. He didn't cut ties with my aunt, though. We took them in, and they lived with us for a few years before Aunt Stacy could make it on her own.

So in a way, Ethan feels like a brother to me, even if we aren't as close in our adult years.

While we've become distant, I still recognize that smile on his face, the one that says he's about to get something he's always dreamed of having. Back then, it was a new video game, or a double-double from In-N-Out, or his favorite sports team was about to win it all.

Today, he's getting the girl.

I watch as Ethan approaches my row, and I'm so proud of the man he's turned out to be, and also that he's marrying the woman he loves. His eyes catch mine, and his expression turns to one of Can you believe this is happening? I grin and give him a thumbs up before he passes my row and reaches the front of the church.

Next are the mothers of the bride and groom, who chose to walk down the aisle together, arm in arm. Even though I don't know Claire well, I do know that she's had a difficult relationship with her mother, who finally decided to get clean last year.

Maren is next, and every eye is on my friend as she classes up the place in her green gown. I take the moment to find Mac a few rows over. His eyes are on her, and when she glances his way, he mouths I love you .

The rest of the wedding party makes their way down the aisle, but we're all impatient to see the bride. I know I am. It wasn't long ago that I thought Claire was the most annoying person on the planet. But over the past few weeks, I've realized she wasn't half bad. In fact, maybe she's pretty cool.

The music shifts, and I recognize it as another Iron & Wine song—"Love and Some Verses." Everyone rises, which is the worst practice for people who are short like me. I can barely see over the tall people surrounding me, but when Claire appears, she takes my breath away. She's literally the loveliest person I've ever seen, wearing a dress entirely made of lace that cascades behind her as she walks. On her head is a beautiful tiara instead of a veil, making her look both mystical and royal. Her makeup is beautifully understated, showing off her natural beauty, and her golden hair is in waves, brushing against her bare back.

The ceremony is more romantic than I anticipated. I never considered myself a sappy person, but being here, I can't help but wipe at the moisture collecting in my eyes. I take a moment to look in Brayden's direction, and I regret doing so, because at that moment, Jordy moves her hand to his leg. He promptly removes it, and Jordy quickly looks at me. There's no denying that I saw the whole thing, but I move my eyes to the ceremony as if that's taking all of my attention. When I dare to glance back at Brayden, my eyes fall on Jordy instead, seeing the fallen look on her face. She's not watching the ceremony at all.

I think about how she saved me with my mom. How she was so excited to help out with the new shop I'm planning. How close we were as kids—close enough that it was clear nothing and no one should ever come between us.

What the fuck am I doing? How can I do this to her? Do I really want to be the kind of person who lets a man come between me and my closest friend and confidante? Because in everything that's happened in our lives, Jordy and I were each other's first friends, and I want more than anything to recapture what we once had.

I can't have Brayden and also remain close to Jordy. And I can't be close to Jordy and remain in Brayden's life.

What's more important to me?

At that moment, I feel something brush against my bare shoulder. I look over, and there's Brayden's arm, draped over Jordy's chair, his fingers grazing against my shoulder. I realize at this moment that anyone could see, and we're making Jordy out to be a fool. It's wrong, and I can't do this anymore.

I scoot closer to my neighbor on the left side of me, effectively out of Brayden's reach. I don't dare look at him, but his hand eventually finds its way back into his lap. A glance at Jordy's face shows she's not devastated like before, oblivious of the reason why Brayden's arm was around her to begin with.

Once the ceremony ends, and Claire and Ethan make their way down the aisle, I murmur a goodbye to Jordy then leap up. I scramble over the rest of the row, mumbling apologies until I'm finally free. I book it away from the wedding party, trying to find a place to regain my composure. We're stuck on this godforsaken ship, and my breath comes out in labored spurts as I fight claustrophobia. There are too many people, too little places to hide, and not enough air on this floating prison.

I finally find a corner of the ship that's not taken and immediately take cover, catching my breath as I try to make sense of my life, what I'm actually doing.

I love Brayden. I love him so goddamn much, it hurts. I have never known someone to be so perfectly suited to me, to know me inside and out without having known me for long. Brayden and I have a lot to learn about each other, and yet I already know I can't live without him. Every vision of my future includes him.

But how can I be with the love of my life if it means the people closest to me will reject me forever? How can I do this to Jordy, when we were once each other's closest allies? Have I really sunk this low?

A warm hand touches the back of my neck, but I don't flinch. I know it's him, knowing he'd find me.

"Nina, please talk to me."