Chapter Twenty-Three

Nina

The weekend is over in a heartbeat. One moment we were wrapped in each other, interrupting naked tangles between the sheets with sustenance to keep our energy up and occasional toe dips in the freezing ocean just to cool ourselves off from our passion. The next we're in the back of an Uber on our way to the bus terminal, the coastline whipping beside us as I wonder what the fuck we're going to do.

The whole weekend was like a dream. Brayden ravished me in every room of that house, and my body is a new kind of sore that I know will stay with me longer than the time we spent here.

I hope I feel it forever.

But it was so much more than that. We savored long evenings talking about life and our hopes and dreams. We avoided the obvious, refusing to taint our time together with things we can't change. Instead, our discussions were filled with philosophies and ideals, what would make for our idea of utopia, and which was more important—the journey or the destination.

To be fair, I was always after the destination. I just wanted to get there already. To reach the end of the meal. To experience true love. To finally see my goal weight on the scale. I even peek at the endings of books, just to make sure there's a happy ending.

"You're missing the point, though," Brayden had told me. "If you're so consumed by the end, you'll completely miss out on everything that gets you there."

Now that we're reaching our end, I would give anything to stay within the journey forever.

I glance at Brayden. We've avoided talk of this moment the entire weekend, as if not mentioning the inevitable will keep it from happening. Yet, here we are, driving towards a future that doesn't include the two of us together. I want to tell him to choose me. To forget my cousin and break every promise he's made to her. I want him to make me a promise of forever, one he refuses to break.

But then I think of Jordy, who has no idea what's happened this weekend. Whose child was taken from her. Who can never have kids of her own.

Who has Brayden's ring on her finger and a promise in her heart.

I think of the girl I grew up with, who was my best friend in so many ways. Jordy was raised the same way I was, with a mom who would never think she's good enough, and who forced her to keep secrets she never should have been made to keep. Both our moms made us sweep our blemishes under the carpet, when what we really needed was a friend.

How would things have been different if Jordy knew I'd been raped in high school, that this was why I was living at Nanna Dot's in the first place? Would Jordy have healed better if she could have shared her pregnancy loss? Would she have shared it with me?

Of course she would have. The fact that she opened up about it now, when our relationship is so fragile, says a lot about where she is with me. How she trusted me with her heart. And how do I repay her? By sleeping with her fiancé.

So how can I even consider begging him to choose me?

How could I fall in love with him when he's not mine to fall in love with?

He looks my way now, and I immediately avert my eyes. His hand takes mine, and tears spring to my eyes, making a trail down my cheeks.

"Hey," he says, tugging on my hand. I wipe my eyes and look back at him, offering a weak smile that he matches with his own tear-filled eyes.

"I know," he whispers.

He doesn't tell me he'll change things. Even after all this, amidst all my guilt, I still want him to choose me. But he doesn't say it. Even though I know both of us will lose so much if he chooses me, I am so disappointed that he won't make it happen.

"How do we go on from here?" I ask him. I genuinely need the answer, because I don't know. How will I not die every time he's with Jordy? How do I breathe when I go to the ranch and can't touch him? How will I survive without his body pressed to mine, our lives intertwined?

"I'm not sure," he admits. "I didn't realize how painful this would be. I just…" He pauses, wiping at his eyes. When he lowers his hand, his face has a look of fury. "I feel torn," he bites out. "This whole thing is fucking unfair. To me, to you, and to Jordy. I know what I want to do, and I know what I need to do. But both are going to make me hurt the people I love, no matter which way I turn." He looks away, slipping his hand from mine. I feel the chill in the car immediately. The silence is deafening; the sound of my heart pounding in my ears is all I can hear.

He won't choose me .

The Uber driver takes the offramp toward the terminal, and I can feel the countdown as if it's clicking to completion in front of me. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Your time is almost up.

"I don't regret it," he whispers.

I bite back a sob, because I'm not sure I can say the same. If I'd never experienced what it was like to open up to him, to love him, to feel what it was like for him to love me back, then I wouldn't hurt this badly.

I loved every minute of being with him, but I wish I'd been able to see the ending before we got here. I should have at least predicted it. Because now I'm filled with more regret than I've ever had in my life.

So I say nothing, and when we pull in front of the bus stop, I exit the car without so much as looking at him.

On the bus, I find a seat near the front and immediately put my headphones on. Brayden has no idea, walking in front of the guys as he leads the way to the middle of the bus where we were last time. I think I'm in the clear, except Levi slips into the seat next to me, much to my disappointment. I keep my headphones on, my head turned toward the window, hoping that Levi will get the message that this will be a silent ride home if he stays next to me.

I like Levi, though. Over the past month, I've gotten to know all the guys fairly well. At least, I've gotten to know them as well as any coworker gets to know the people they work with. I know enough that I like all of them, but Levi is probably my favorite outside of Brayden. He's the most down to earth and levelheaded of the crew. Whenever I didn't know how to do something, which was often, Levi was always there to help me see it through.

"You missed a great conference," he says, ignoring my headphones and my turned away head. For a moment, I think I'll pretend I can't hear him. But it feels so completely rude to a guy who doesn't deserve it. So I remove the headphones and give him a nod and a tight smile.

"It's not like I know enough to be there," I point out. "I'm not even sure why I came. It seems silly when I'm just a barista without a coffee job who happens to work on a ranch."

"You belonged there," Levi says. "I know Brayden wanted you there."

Just the mention of Brayden's name has me turned towards the window again, just so Levi can't see the tears in my eyes.

"Did you guys get whatever Brayden's friend needed sorted out at his ranch?"

I nod, unable to say any words that will be a lie. I let the silence linger long enough that I consider putting my headphones back on.

"Let's play a game," Levi says, ruining my plan. I can't help the loud sigh that escapes my lips, but it makes him laugh. "Come on, it will help pass the time."

"Fine," I say, packing my headphones in my travel bag, but keeping them within reach. "What game?"

"Story time," he says. He peeks over me through the window at the people still waiting in line to get on the bus. "See that man there holding the green suitcase?"

I scan the line until I find him. He's clutching the suitcase like it's precious, even though it's larger than anything we're allowed to bring on the bus. There's a high probability he'll be forced to give it to the attendant once he reaches the front, and yet, the determined look on his face says he'll take the gamble.

"He's a crocodile smuggler," Levi whispers as we watch the man inch forward in line. "In that suitcase is a rare baby albino crocodile that he's keeping alive by feeding small fish that he keeps in his suit pocket."

"Oh wow, I bet that smells heavenly," I say, my mouth turning up even though my insides feel like lead.

"It's pretty rank," Levi says. "But he covers up the smell with mashed bananas."

I can't help but laugh, my face twisted in a grimace. "Apparently he doesn't know the cardinal rules of travel. No smelly foods in the vehicle, especially fish or bananas."

"Or crocodiles," Levi points out. "Though I read somewhere crocodiles don't smell all that bad."

"So, what is he going to do with this crocodile?" I ask.

"Well, his intention is to impress a lady," he says, a smirk on his face.

"Isn't that the start of every good story?" I'm beginning to enjoy Levi's distractions, almost forgetting my own ill-fated love story.

"So true," Levi agrees. "He's offering it to a woman who raises crocodiles to make coats out of them."

"How awful!" I exclaim, but I'm laughing as we watch the man arguing with the baggage person as he holds tightly to this suitcase.

"Indeed. But there's a good ending." Levi raises an eyebrow for dramatic effect. "The lady receives the crocodile, and she is definitely impressed by the man's thoughtfulness. She invites the man to move in with her so they can raise crocodiles together. On the day they decide the albino crocodile is fully grown, they approach the backyard moat, ready to hunt him down. But instead of being the hunters, the man and lady become the hunted. The albino crocodile sneaks up behind them and swallows them whole."

"Wow, that's quite a story," I laugh. "Where does this crocodile end up?"

"No one knows," Levi says. "It disappears after his very delicious meal and hasn't been seen since. But ever since it disappeared, the neighborhood has an influx of missing cats and dogs. Related? Maybe. "

We both fall silent as the man enters the bus, walking past us without a suitcase in hand.

"Hopefully they lose his luggage," I laugh.

The bus pulls away from the curb, and Levi and I continue the game with the cars we pass. There's the astronaut on a family vacation, with an alien in the back seat that looks an awful lot like a golden retriever. There's the pregnant assassin on her way to her next job, a beauty case of poisons next to her. There's the pretty blonde baker who magically infuses her desserts with emotions.

By the time we hit the first state line, my mood has shifted dramatically. Yes, the heavy weight of loss is still there, but it's cushioned by the knowledge that I can get through this, no matter what happens.

"So, how were James and Olivia?" Levi asks, and I tilt my head in confusion.

"Who?"

He gives me a knowing look, but I have no clue what he's talking about.

"Brayden's friends with the ranch in Mississippi," he prompts.

"Oh, James and Olivia." I rack my brain. Did he mention names? Is that right? "They were nice," I say. "Very appreciative of our help."

"And how did you like Mississippi?"

"It was nice," I lie. "Super cute state." What the heck is in Mississippi?

"Did he take you to that Elvis museum?" Levi asked.

"There wasn't time," I say, feeling my tongue dry out with each lie. Damnit, why didn't I put my headphones on? "We didn't really see much of anything there."

"Probably because you were in Louisiana," he says, and my stomach plummets.

"Right," I say, then flash him a smile. "I wasn't really paying attention. We practically flew there and back."

"Or you never left Texas."

I realize he knows exactly what happened, and he's totally fucking with me. I fidget with my hands, trying to come up with the next lie, whatever will absolve us of our sins.

"It's fine," Levi continues. "But the next time Brayden comes up with his own story, he should turn his location services off." He holds up his phone. "We all know each other's location, just in case something happens on a ride. Apparently there's never been a good reason to stop sharing our location until now."

"Who knows," I whisper.

"All of us."

Fuck .

"What are you guys doing?" he asks me.

I feel totally on the spot. I don't even know what to say. I have the strongest urge to look behind me at Brayden, but I'm not exactly speaking to him right now.

"I don't know," I whisper. I look at him. "Are you going to tell Jordy?"

"No," he says, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Then it hits me how lame it is that I'm relieved. If Jordy doesn't know, she wins. But it's not like I win in either scenario.

"Look, I'm not trying to get in the middle of anything. What Brayden or you do on your own time is your business. But it's not like Brayden to leave a commitment midstream, especially the HRC. He spends all year preparing for that, and just as much time anticipating it. It would take a lot to take him away from it." He appraises me for a moment, then nods. "Or someone special."

I look down at my hands. He's right, of course. But it's not like I'm the one who came up with this wild idea.

"I guess my biggest concern is that whatever this is between the two of you, it's going to mess with Brayden's head. I don't want to see him do something he regrets."

"Like be with me?" I ask.

"No, like leave the ranch."

At this, I grit my teeth. I'm not the one that would take him away from the ranch, but Jordy is. If he marries my cousin, he'll be on the next plane for New York, leaving the ranch and everyone on it in his dust.

"I wouldn't make him do that," I say.

"You might think that," Levi counters, "but I've seen the way that guy looks at you. He's ready to throw it all away for you, if you just say the word."

It's not true, though. If it were, he would have already said it to me. He'd make me a promise to break things off with Jordy and find a way for us to be together. He'd burn bridges just to be with me.

"He doesn't love me like that," I say. "He's with Jordy. We were just messing around, but it's over now."

I grab my headphones from my bag and slip them over my ears. But Levi puts a hand on my arm to stop me.

"Nina, I'm sorry. I know I'm being hard on you. But I'm just looking out for my boy, and I'm looking out for his family. The ranch is like my second home, and we've all been a part of the Winters family for years now. I don't want to see anything mess that up."

Or anyone. Noted.

I slide my headphones on and stare out the window. This is going to be a long bus ride.