Chapter Thirteen

Brayden

I watch Nina go, realizing the mistake I nearly made. I almost kissed her. It happened multiple times throughout the day, but this time in front of all the guys. It had felt so effortless too, like I could just lean down and taste her. Like her lips were home, and I didn't belong to someone else.

I shake the thought from my head, refusing to go there. I also ignore the side glances from the guys as Nina's car pulls down the gravel road before heading out on the highway.

It's maintenance day, which we hold every week before the guests arrive for the weekend. The guys are here to help repair anything in the cabins, check fence lines, fill holes in the ground, and oversee anything else that needs attention.

"That's Jordy's cousin, right?" Jake asks as we lead the horses to the barn. "The one with that huge Victorian in town?"

I nod, removing Sara's saddle. "I just hired her," I say. "She'll work in the house with my mom. She starts tomorrow, so I thought I'd give her a tour of the ranch."

"A tour, huh?"

I hear the laugh in Jake's voice, though I act as if I don't hear it.

"Yup." I grab a brush and start on Sara's coat, smoothing the dust from her terracotta fur.

"Does Jordy know?"

"That I hired her cousin?" I shoot him a look. "She lives with her now, of course she knows. It was her idea."

"No, that her cousin is living rent free in your head," Jake says as he brushes down Meredith. "Come on man, I haven't seen you look at a girl like that since…" He pauses is brushing, his head tilted as he thinks. "Naw, I've never seen you like that, not even with Jordy."

"What are you talking about? I'm always good to Jordy."

"It's not about being good," Jake says. "You're good to everyone, to the guests, your mom, all of us, and definitely your girlfriend. But you don't look at Jordy like that, or hug her for that long, or watch her leave when she drives away, even when she was leaving for weeks at a time."

I shake my head, even as Jake's words sink in my belly. "You're reaching," I say, running the brush over Sara's coat. "I love Jordy. We've just been together for so long, things have gotten comfortable. If it looks like I'm treating Nina any different, it's only because I'm grateful she let my fiancé live with her so we could be closer. That's all."

"That's all?" Jake asks. I shoot him a look, and he laughs. "Okay fine. Then can I ask if there's a rule against dating coworkers here? Because that girl is good food."

"What?"

"She's so delicious, I could eat her up."

I grip the horse brush, fighting the urge to throw it at him. "She's not a snack," I say, but through clenched teeth .

"Oh, she's chips and salsa, man. Just one taste, and I know I'd eat the whole bag."

I slam the brush down on the table, and this time I don't even try to hide how badly I want to throw him down too. Even more when I see how funny he apparently thinks this is.

"Fuck dude, you're so smitten. You should see your face." Jake slaps me on the back, even as my fist remains clenched. "I'm not going after her, but you're playing a dangerous game in hiring her."

I lead Sara into her stall, closing the door behind her as she goes straight for the food in the corner—all as my mind races. I want to deny what he's saying, I haven't even been able to admit my feelings to myself. But goddamn, that girl has my heart in a vice, and I still barely know her.

"It's nothing," I finally say. "She's a nice girl who happens to be really pretty. She's also my fiancé's cousin, so whatever you're thinking, it's not happening."

"Which is why you looked like you wanted to take my head off just thinking about me dating her," Jake says as he closes Meredith's stall. I glare at him, and he holds his hands up. "I'm not dating her. I get the message. But do you? You're engaged to Jordy and falling for her cousin. Now you're going to be around her every day. How are you going to manage that?"

"The same way I manage everything," I say. "I'll stick to the plan and wait for my heart to catch up." Then I jog off toward the cabins before Jake can say anything else, or ask what exactly I mean.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I fish it out to see who's texting me.

Jordy: Hey stranger, call me when you can.

Fuck. I usually text her first thing in the morning, but it's already closing in on noon and I haven't even thought about her. I immediately hit her number and wait for her to pick up.

"I'm so sorry," I say as soon as she answers.

"For what?"

"For not calling sooner. You just moved here, and I should have called or taken you out to breakfast, but I got so engrossed in work that I completely forgot to—"

"Brayden, it's fine," Jordy cuts me off. "You were busy, and today was Nina's first day. She just got home and hopped in the shower, so I thought I'd check to see how she did."

I have a vision of her riding on the beach, her long hair streaming behind her in the wind. The way she kept looking back at me, her smile brightening the whole goddamn beach and making me want to feel it against my mouth.

"She was fine," I say, shaking myself from the vision of her. "My mom and sister love her, which is probably most important. She officially starts tomorrow morning before the guests arrive in the afternoon."

"That's great! I know your dad will be happy."

No, he won't. But I don't say that.

"So, what are your plans for the day? I can leave the work to the guys here if you want to go grab a bite to eat."

"Nah, do your thing," she says. "I still have lots to unpack, and there's plenty to do around the house. I'll probably be swamped the next few days. But if you want, I could break away this weekend and we can look at venues, maybe?"

"For what?" As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel stupid. The wedding. "I mean, yeah. Venues."

"We don't have to," she says, and I realize how unenthusiastic I just sounded.

"No, I do. But the weekend is never a good time. We have guests until Sunday, and several beach rides. You know, the usual. "

"Oh, right. I keep forgetting the tourist gold mine you have there."

The way she says it, it's almost like she thinks this is a hobby, not my family business or my life's work. I've had the same schedule every day since I left college and took over the ranch.

"Yeah, our little corner of the Sunset Bay tourist trap."

"Brayden, that's not how I meant it, and you know it."

But I don't know it. What I do know is that as soon as we get serious about planning this wedding, the more serious we're going to have to be about our future—including my role in the ranch. Because Jordy's plan is to leave for New York, but my whole life is here in Sunset Bay. And I either tell her to give up her dream, or I give up mine, because you can't run a ranch in Southern California if you live on the East Coast.

"So, Monday then?"

I'm snapped back into the conversation. It's just venue shopping, though it's one step closer to the decision I have to make. Stand my ground to stay, or upend my life so she can live hers.

But then I think of five years ago. The hospital bed. The doctor telling her the awful truth as I squeezed her hand. As she sobbed.

I owe her.

"Monday," I say.

That evening, I join my family in the living room while the basketball game is on. Hazel is sprawled out with Cherokee in front of the fireplace, which is burning even though today's temps reached a high of seventy-five. Once October hits, my sister insists on building a fire no matter how warm it is. It's something she's wanted since she was young, and the rest of us sweat it out in favor of her. Like my mom, who's wearing a tank top and fanning herself periodically as she works on the cross-stitch in her lap. Or my dad, who's in a t-shirt and shorts in his favorite recliner.

"Brrr, it's chilly in here," I joke as I remove my sweatshirt and join my mom on the couch. She pats my leg, and I smirk at the thin layer of sweat on her brow.

Hazel ignores me, though, her nose in a book as she uses Cherokee as a pillow.

For a moment, I'm brought back a decade earlier, when there were five of us. Cherokee was only a puppy back then, but she remained still when two strawberry blond heads made him their pillow. Sometimes he'd lick their golden curls, making the two of them squeal before burying their faces into the dog's downy fur. I wonder if Cherokee thought the twins were his puppies. Whatever he thought, he'd do anything to protect them.

And it kills me that I didn't.

I look at Hazel now, wondering if she thinks of her sister. We don't talk about Amber much anymore. In the beginning, she was all we could talk about. But it was like a knife to the gut. Eventually, her name was mentioned less and less, until it was never mentioned at all. Old photos were slowly replaced by new, a family of five disappearing in favor of our changed family of four. Smiles were wan in the beginning, but with the passing of time, they've brightened a little more.

I look at the wall that holds Hazel's senior photo from this year, ones my mother took out in the field behind our home. The lighting is perfect, her hair like a golden halo in the early evening glow. Her smile is wide, as if she's never experienced loss. But of all of us, I know her loss runs the deepest, and while we don't mention her twin, none of us forgets. Especially not her.

And not me, either, because I failed both of them the day I didn't save her.

"How was the new girl?" my dad asks, his eyes still glued to the television. To anyone who doesn't know my father, it would seem like he's just asking a question. But my dad is never casual about anything to do with the farm.

"She's good," I say. "She's Jordy's cousin, who referred her to me." I mean, she did. But this sounds like I never knew Nina at all, which I know is better for this conversation. "She has experience in hospitality, and she used to ride horses here on the ranch a few years back."

"I still don't understand why Jordy can't do the job," my dad grunts.

We've had this conversation so many times, I've lost track. He can't understand why we haven't set a date for the wedding, and forgets that Jordy is in school for something entirely different. Or he's just in denial. In his vision, Jordy would give up school and all her aspirations to join the family business. I've tried to talk sense into him, reminding him that Jordy has her own vision for her life. I've even touched on the possibility of Jordy's dreams taking me away from the ranch. He won't hear it. Won't even acknowledge it, even though he made me promise to marry the girl.

He has no idea that he's the one who sealed all our fates when he made me make that promise.

"Nina will work out fine, Pete," my mom cuts in. "Even though she doesn't start till tomorrow, I have a sense she's perfect for the job. I didn't feel that with any of the other candidates."

"Yeah, and you know mom's intuition," Hazel adds. Her book is resting on her chest now, and she gives me a raised eyebrow. My sister can see right through my dad's stubbornness, and she knows more than anyone how much I struggle with him. Even though there are thirteen years between us, she probably knows me better than anyone in this room. I probably share too much with her, but Hazel is wiser than seventeen, and has always had a good sense of direction. She's had to. Ten years ago she lost her childhood to the sea.

My dad is back to his game, probably sensing he's starting a fight that will end in three against one. I think that's the end of it, so I watch the game in silence until my mom goes to bed. Hazel left a while ago, the fire a glowing ember in the fireplace. The room stays silent, even as the game goes into overtime before our team finally pulls ahead and wins. I turn the TV off then stand.

"Ready?" I ask my dad. I step toward his wheelchair in the corner, but my dad makes a noise in his throat.

"Sit down, Son."

It doesn't matter that I'm thirty years old and running the family business. When my dad gets a tone like that, I feel like I'm eight years old, ready to make excuses for whatever I did wrong this time.

"What's up?" I ask. It can only be one of three things: the ranch, my future, or the latest thing I'm fucking up. I move to the seat near his recliner so we can see eye to eye, noting the tired look on my dad's face. It's late, which is partly to blame. But my dad has aged tremendously since the accident.

"So Jordy's all moved in across town?" he asks, his hand fumbling with the blanket slipping from his legs. I lean forward to help him, but he swats me away. "I got it," he growls, yanking the blanket back toward him.

"She is," I say, sitting back and folding my hands in my lap. When my dad gets like this, it's rarely surface level. I know it kills him that he can't do as much as he used to. I just have to remember that it has more to do with his limitations than with me and try not to take it personal. "The guys and I helped move her in yesterday. She's living with Nina, that girl we just hired."

"Her cousin," my dad says. His mouth rests in a firm line, his eyes laser sharp as he regards me.

"That's correct."

"Did you even ask Jordy if she'd work here? "

"Fuck, Dad—"

"Watch your language," he corrects me, and I stand, finished with the conversation. But he's not. "Sit back down."

"Why? Are you going to listen to me, or talk at me? Because I've told you over and over again that Jordy is not interested in working on the farm. This is your dream, and now mine, but it's not hers."

"She's joining this family. It's about to be hers."

"No Dad, her dream is helping people improve their living spaces. It's what she's going to school for. Soon she'll be interning, and eventually working on her own. That's her dream, not working in a kitchen or making beds, or anything that has to do with running this ranch."

"But your mother…"

"My mother wanted to be a part of this. Jordy doesn't."

My dad breathes in sharply, his nostrils flaring as he grips the arms of his recliner.

"Not at first," he finally says. "Before me, your mom had her whole life mapped out. She was going to travel the world as a flight attendant. But when we fell in love, she joined my life and became a valuable part of running this ranch. If you're going to run this ranch, you need…"

"Dad, I'm already running this ranch," I remind him. " I don't need Jordy to give up her dreams for me to do that. I have staff that can help out. I have Mom, and I have you."

"You won't have us forever." He looks out the window now, away from me, and I sigh heavily.

"I know that, Dad. Believe me, I'm dreading that day more than you know. But it's not because of the ranch. The work here will continue without you and Mom. Hell, it can continue without me."

Dad's head whips to mine, and I let the words sink in, ready for him to question me. Ask me, old man, I silently beg him. Ask me and I'll tell you again.

"We can talk about this in the morning, I suppose," is all he says, which is his way of ending the conversation until the next time he brings it up. "But I'm concerned about this new hire. Tina?"

"Nina," I correct him. "And she'll be fine, you'll see. Even Mom thinks so, and Hazel is right, Mom is never wrong."

My dad grunts, his attempt at a laugh that got stuck in his throat. "This is true," he says. "But we don't know her. Did you do a background check? Call her references? Do you know anything about her?"

"I know she's Jordy's cousin, which means she'll be my family soon." And that her hair smells like sunshine and wind, and how her body feels when I hug her. How I want to feel more. "I know she worked at Insomniacs, that coffee shop on the boulevard, for years now, which proves she commits to her jobs."

"Coffee," he grumbles. "Why does anyone buy $5 coffee when you can make it for pennies at home."

"I know she let her cousin move in with her so that we could be closer together, which says a lot about her dedication to family." Okay, so Jordy and Nina hated each other just a few weeks ago, but my dad doesn't need to know that. "And I know when I told her to show up today, she not only got here early, but wore clothes that were appropriate for a ranch, showing that she's insightful and understands the level of work we do here. Not only that, but she connected immediately with Mom and Hazel, which I'd say is the most important part of all."

"And what about with you?" he asks.

My breath hitches in my throat, and I wonder if he somehow caught on that I have feelings for Nina. But I realize that's not what he's asking.

"Well, I wouldn't have hired her if I didn't have faith in her. You know how choosy I've been about finding someone to take Hazel's place in the house. I believe Nina is a fast learner and will be the perfect addition to the Winters Salt and Sea Ranch."

He doesn't say anything, and I stand there awkwardly, wondering what else he'll grill me on, or if he'll ever trust me to run this ranch completely.

Or if it even matters, since I could be gone in less than a year.

"I'm ready." My dad lowers the recliner, and I position his wheelchair next to it at a ninety-degree angle. We count off, and I lift on three, pivoting before placing him gently in the seat. He grunts his thanks, which is something he always does when we help him. He hates being vulnerable, but he never fails to say thank you. Then he rolls through the doorway, disappearing down the hall where my mom will help him into bed.

I stay where I am, watching the dying embers in the fireplace. Can I really leave this place? I feel like I'm stuck trying to please everyone here, and things are starting to fall apart. And now I'm close to disappointing everyone. Once again, I'm proving what a piece of shit I am, and how I destroy everything I touch. If it weren't for me, none of this would be an issue. Amber would still be here. My dad wouldn't have had a heart attack from the stress or be in a wheelchair now. I never would have gone to college and met Jordy and ruined her life as well.

I wouldn't have to face this predicament of living her dream or mine—stay with the ranch or move to New York.

To Jordy, this decision is made, and I haven't done much to fight the issue because everything I do is to make her happy.

I'm trying my best to make everyone happy and failing at every turn.

And in the process, I'm losing myself.