Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Shepperd

The only way to get the man out of my head was to call in some reinforcements. In my life, that list was damn short. One name, as a matter of fact, and as I dialed my twin’s number, I hoped like hell she wouldn’t pick up.

“Shep? You okay?” were the first words out of her mouth. Not “hello” or any other sort of greeting, but a panicked inquiry of my well-being.

And why was that? I knew the answer with more clarity than I cared to admit. Because denial had become a very comfortable space for me to exist within. I had pushed everyone who cared about me away so many times, they were trained to believe the only time I reached out was as a last resort.

I supposed it wasn’t too far from the truth, though. Even now, I wasn’t calling my sister and best friend to just bullshit or ask about her new romance. I was calling out of desperation that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my young life.

And I’d made some doozies already.

“Hey, Maye. Yeah, everything’s fine. Calm down. Geeze,” I replied with a touch of exasperation. I took a deep breath and said, “How’s it going?”

See? That isn’t so hard, is it? Normal, everyday, human interaction. It can be done.

“I’m good. Tired, but good.” She paused for longer than I would have preferred and asked again, “Shep, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

So I bit the bullet and laid on the touchy-feely stuff. I knew she related to the emotional crap very well, so even though it was manipulative, I hit her with the big guns.

“I miss you,” I admitted with a legitimate wad of pain in my throat.

“If you don’t tell me what’s going on right now, Shepperd Farsay, I’m going to hang up this phone and come there right now.”

“Please stop. I’m serious. I miss you, and I thought I’d see if you wanted to have lunch or something? A drink maybe?” I knew that would seal the deal. Anytime I offered to sit down to a meal with one of my family members, they’d move heaven and earth to make it happen.

“Sure. I have a few days this week that might work. I’m busy beyond anything I could’ve imagined with this grant-writing gig I picked up. What day were you thinking?”

Although it was a normal response from her, I felt like she’d stabbed me in the chest. I was so conditioned to have everyone bend over backward to accommodate my rare good nature. So now, to hear her doing me a favor by fitting me into her too busy for you schedule…well, it hurt. It just hurt.

Again, it was my own fault. And if I wanted things to change, I had to put in the effort. I’d had a long, honest talk with myself last night and decided I needed to make some changes in my life—in the way I treated the people that I cared about, especially. If I didn’t, and my God was this conversation glaring evidence that I was right, I’d be completely alone.

“I was kind of hoping we could do it today,” I said cautiously.

“Hmmm,” she said, and I could hear her shuffling around. “Let me just check what Andrew has planned. Maybe I could meet you for a drink. Hold on one second while I see what his schedule looks like.”

She either muted the call or held her hand over the receiver, because I couldn’t hear a sound from her end of the line. I even checked that we hadn’t been disconnected.

But then she settled my mounting fear that she’d ditched my call and popped back on. “Yeah, okay, that should work out. What time were you thinking? If possible, I don’t want to stay out too late because I have a meeting early in the morning that I need to be fresh for.”

“That’s my ever-practical twin,” I teased.

“You know me.”

“I’m pretty much wide open here, and as always, would be happy to get the hell out of this house at any time. So you decide when, and we can just meet at Charlie’s if that works for you? That’s pretty much halfway between here and there.”

“Good plan. How about an hour from now? I just need to change quick and get over that way.”

“Works for me!” I replied enthusiastically.

My mood had changed so many times on this short call, but I was glad I would be seeing my sister. I really needed someone to talk to about this fast-moving thing happening between Law and me, and Maye would give it to me straight. If I was being crazy and reckless even considering moving in with a guy I hardly knew, she’d be the one to tell me.

“Okay, see you soon. And Shep?”

Just as I was about to say good-bye, I had to course-correct and reply to her saying my name in that particular way only she could. I swallowed hard knowing she was about to drop a bomb on me just by the tone of her voice.

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you called.”

Fucking tears filled my eyes from the sincerity in her voice, and my own was rough when I said, “Me too, Maye.”

An hour and half later, I rushed through the front door of the small bar near our school’s campus. Luckily, I found a parking spot close by, because it was one of the darkest nights I’d seen in memory. Normally, the sky was clear and full of stars and a bright moon that helped light the way, but the air felt like a storm must be blowing in off the water, and dense cloud cover made the night extra moody.

My twin was always on time, so she already had a small booth secured toward the back of the little place and gave me a wave when we saw each other. Instinctually, I knew right where to look for her when I burst through the door and carried my momentum in her direction.

She stood, and we hugged briefly. Look, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of girl, and no matter how many pep talks I had with myself about being nicer, more patient, and more available in general, some things would never change.

We took our seats on opposite sides of the little booth, and I tossed my bag on the bench beside me. Of course, I fished out my phone and put it on the table out of habit. If Law happened to message me while I was here, that would just be a bonus. He and I spoke briefly in the morning, but he had a full day planned with his niece, so I promised myself to give him some breathing room.

“You really scared me today, I’m not going to lie,” she said right out of the gate.

“Would you stop with that,” I scoffed.

“You and I both know you aren’t a chatty Kathy. I’m used to there being sirens going off in the background when I pick up your call,” she said with a grin.

“Ha! Very funny. That was one time, Maye. And you’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” I matched her grin, and we stopped talking a few minutes while the server took our orders.

“So, tell me, what’s new with you? How has it been around the house?” Maye asked when the adorable waitress walked off.

“I fucking hate that house. So basically, nothing’s changed. Other than now you’re not there to make it bearable.” I paused there wondering if I should just launch into the half-baked idea of moving in with Law, or warm her up a little more.

“I got a really weird call from Mom yesterday. I was a little surprised I didn’t hear from you sooner,” she said as our server returned with our drinks.

I’m sure my face was twisted with confusion. What would a conversation between my mother and sister have to do with me? Then it hit me. I was exactly what their conversation was about. My mother was mounting her crusade to fix me and probably tried to enlist my twin in her project.

I gave a grand eye roll after sipping my cocktail. “Oh, the current house project is”—I made air quotes—“fix Shepperd. Again.” I shook my head in disbelief and disgust that the woman actually bothered Maye with her nonsense.

Gently, as she had such a natural way about her, Maye asked, “Is there cause for their concern? You know they love you. They love us all. I don’t imagine it’s easy being parents. Especially of five spirited, strong-willed young ladies.”

“Are you seriously going to turn on me too?” I blurted and probably should have tempered my response a bit. But the words kept tumbling out if for no other reason than sheer panic that I was losing my only ally in the world.

“I can’t deal with this if that’s the case, Maye. I called you because I need help. I need some advice, and you’re the only person who gets me, you know? But if I have to defend myself to you too, well, fuck it. I’m on my own, I guess.” I gave a careless shrug that was nothing like I truly felt. I cared if my parents were driving a wedge between my twin and me more than anything.

“Calm down.” She stretched across the table to pat my hand, but I pulled mine out of reach.

“Don’t patronize me,” I warned. “Seriously.”

She waited a few moments while I settled down. The woman really knew me better than anyone. “Have you noticed how nothing gets your temper flared the way the mention of self-improvement does?”

Well, that stung. Of course, because it was the truth. But she kept going, completely disregarding the glare I offered in reply to her question.

“What are you so afraid of, Shep? Seriously. Is it letting the people who care about you down? Do you think you’ll end up disappointing them? Or is it that there may be an actual problem that’s gotten out of hand and needs some professional input?”

Her level, careful delivery just pissed me off more.

“I thought you were on my side,” I choked through tears that arrived against every effort I made to hold them at bay.

“This isn’t about taking sides, sister. This is about you being the best version of yourself that you can be. And it’s been very hard on all of us watching you starve yourself for”—she looked heavenward—“God, how long has it been now?”

I sat pouting for several minutes before I could even address this bullshit. I was fighting the urge to just fucking leave with every ounce of energy I had in me. But I had promised myself that behavior strategy was shelved.

“This is complete bullshit. You know that?” I spat her direction. Regardless of the war going on in my head and heart, my temper flared like dry brush. All my good intentions of having a productive, supportive conversation went out the window. Angrily, I swiped the tears from my cheeks and stared at her. “How can you be on their side on this? I’m not starving myself. I eat. Every day. I don’t want to have to defend myself all the time, Maye. Especially to you!”

“I’m sorry, Shep. I’m not trying to attack. I’m really not. And I’m not on their side, as you keep accusing. I will always have your back. Always. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about you. I have been for so long, and now that they’ve dropped the bag of crap in the middle of the table here, I thought maybe you’d feel more comfortable dealing with it with me instead of them.”

I shook my head. “I just can’t believe they’d stoop this low. Actually pit you against me like this. It’s their lowest point yet.”

Now she sat forward in her seat and hissed across the table. Her demeanor change was so abrupt, I reared back in my own seat. “Did you not just hear a word I said? I’m on your side. I want to help you. Stop being so fucking childish, Shepperd.”

“Childish?” I uttered with disbelief. And then incredulously repeated the word. “Childish?”

She shrugged in response.

Something in me snapped. “You know what? Fuck this. This family is so fucked up, no one even knows the nightmare they’re living in. We’ve all been lying to ourselves for so long, we believe our own bullshit.”

My twin stared at me, confused, proving my point with precision. No one knew the real problems lurking in each other’s minds and memories. Those secrets that kept us awake at every odd hour of the night. No one knew what we were struggling with in the plain light of day either. We were all so preoccupied with coping with our own demons, we couldn’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

Angrily, I shoved my phone into my purse, slung the bag across my body, and left the bar. Maye called after me, but I was in a blind rage at that point. A person would’ve been downright foolish to get in my way in that moment.

Tears clouded my vision as I burst out the front door and onto the night’s street. There were still plenty of people milling around on the sidewalks, making their way to and from their evening destinations. By the time I was behind the wheel of my beat-up car, I could barely catch a full breath. I never would’ve thought my twin would turn on me. Never. We always had each other’s backs. That was the first time in our lives she took their side against me, and the feeling cut straight through to my sad, lonely heart.

I had no one. Absolutely no one. Not one person in my life believed in me enough to stand up for me, and the realization was so painful I actually moaned out loud inside my small car. The physical pain of my emotional despair was just as powerful as an actual wound.

Probably not making the wisest decisions in the moment, I latched my seatbelt, started the car, and squeezed my eyes shut while the engine coughed and sputtered to life. Tears continued to cascade down my cheeks as I put the car into drive and pulled into traffic without as much as a glance over my shoulder.

I didn’t care. See how they’d all like it if I were killed in a traffic accident. That would teach them to betray the ones they were supposed to fight to the death for, wouldn’t it? No satisfaction came from the reckless thoughts, though, because I feared the reality way too much to sit with the imagined scenario for too long.

No one would even notice if I were alive or dead. If anything, they would be glad to get rid of me because it would be one less thing for them to worry about. One less person’s life to try to control.

But where could I go now? There was no way I would go back to my parent’s house. I steadfastly refused to go into some sort of treatment program for a problem I didn’t have. No way.

Obviously, after Maye’s fresh betrayal, her place wasn’t an option. Hannah and Dah didn’t need my bullshit in their happy little love nests either. Even if I could get up the balls to show up on either of their doorsteps, I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed.

Mindlessly, I ended up in the last place I thought I would. I raised my heavy arm to ring the bell, and just like before, Law scared the daylights out of me when he whooshed the door open before my finger made contact with the button.

“Shepperd?” he gasped, and I wasn’t sure why he sounded that way. Exhaustion was all over his face and posture, but his tone was directed toward me for sure.

Immediately, I wanted to turn and bolt. What the hell was I thinking just showing up here? I barely remembered the route I took to get to his place and couldn’t imagine how many traffic violations I committed in doing so.

“Hey? You okay?” he asked while bending at the waist to get a better look at my face in the dim light.

“I’m—I—can?—”

He stepped closer and wrapped his strong, protective arms around me and pulled me to his chest. I completely crumbled against his body and had no doubt he was supporting most of my weight as he moved us inside his front door.

I clung to him like he was a life raft after the flight of my existence just crashed into an icy sea. My whole body shook with my sobbing, and he patiently waited for me to get through the emotional onslaught and explain what had happened.

Finally, when I felt calm enough to speak, I looked up into his caring eyes. “I’m sorry,” were the first words that came out, whether out of habit for always hurting the people closest to me or because it was the emotion that fought its way to the front line.

“Baby, why are you apologizing? What has you this upset? Come on, let’s sit down.” He tugged me toward the living room. A grave and serious look washed over his face, and he swallowed roughly. “Did someone hurt you?”

Oh, my heart. His protective nature was so powerful and addicting. He had no idea how badly I needed someone to just care about my well-being right then. He couldn’t possibly have known, but because he was the amazing, kind-hearted man that he was, it was his natural go-to response given the sparse clues he had.

Before I could get words out again, I shook my head to alleviate his fear. Finally, I said, “No, I’m fine. I’m fine.” I inhaled a slow, full breath and blew it out between pressed lips.

He guided us to the sofa and sat right beside me. His muscular legs pressed against my much smaller ones, and he draped his arm across my shoulders, pulling me to him.

“Now, tell me what happened,” he issued but then shifted to put some space between us. I wanted to protest—maybe even climb into his lap so he could cradle me there, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to demand so much physical support from him.

“Do you want something to drink, baby? Water? Something stronger?”

“Maybe some water, if you wouldn’t mind?” My voice was raspy from all the tears.

“You got it. Be right back.” He planted a gentle kiss to the top of my head as he stood and headed to the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of water and unscrewed the top for me before handing it over.

After a few sips, I replaced the cap and set the bottle on the floor by my feet.

Law took my hands in his and angled his body toward me. “Now tell me what happened.” His tone was gentle but still demanding and had a way of making me feel safe because I knew his concern was genuine.

“Well, you know I haven’t been getting along with my parents,” I said, and he nodded. “While you were busy today, I called my sister, my twin, to see if she wanted to meet for a drink. To catch up, you know?”

He nodded again, and I studied our joined hands for a long moment before continuing.

“We met at a little bar near campus, and almost the minute I sat down, she started on me. Saying the same bullshit that my parents have been. She even admitted that my mother had called her yesterday. And…well…I kind of lost it and stormed out.” I shrugged my shoulders because explaining the situation out loud made the whole thing seem so petty. “And…yeah. Here I am.”

But then all the uncomfortable feelings as a result of just showing up on his doorstep slammed into me, and I rushed out words before I could examine what I was saying. “I’m sorry I just showed up uninvited. I didn’t know where else to go. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me or put you in an uncomfortable situation here. If you’ve thought about it since the other day and really don’t want me here, I’d understand. Seriously. I just drove here on autopilot. I kind of surprised myself that this was where I landed.” I forced out a chuckle that was so awkward, I winced.

Now he was the one studying our joined hands for an uncomfortably long beat. When I was about to shoot to my feet and rush for the front door, he must have sensed my mounting nerves.

“You’re more than welcome to stay here, Shep. The offer still stands. You can stay for a night, or a week, or however long you’d like. I want you here.”

Tears swelled in my eyes again and spilled down my cheeks like little rain drops. Hearing those words from his lips caused a riot of emotions I couldn’t process all at once. He wanted me there. He wanted me, period.

“Are you sure?” I croaked, sounding helpless and hopeless and hating every moment of both.

“Positive,” he said without pause and stretched his neck to look around me. “Did you bring anything with you?”

I shook my head and swiped my cheeks.

Law leaned forward and pulled out a handkerchief from his back pocket and handed it to me.

I marveled at the starched white cotton for a few seconds before using it to dry my eyes. The man carried a handkerchief? If I wasn’t smitten before that discovery, I was now. What a gentleman. What a beautiful, kind, intelligent, sexy gentleman.

“Thank you, Law.”

“My mom always insisted we carry them. I know it’s old fashioned, but you’d be surprised how often it comes in handy.”

“I mean for everything. For letting me stay, for being so sweet.” I shrugged. “For everything,” I repeated. Tears began again as I formulated an admission I never thought I’d utter aloud. “I don’t have anyone to turn to. Anyone who cares.” I dabbed my runny nose and couldn’t meet his gaze.

With a thick index finger beneath my chin, he lifted my face to have direct eye contact. “You have me now.”