Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Law

Later that night, we sat in the living room, sprawled out in front of the television. Shepperd lay in front of me on the sofa, and I had a heavy arm draped over her hip. I couldn’t tell you what we watched because I was lost in thought and distracted by her warm body.

My dick wouldn’t settle down for more than five minutes, even though we fucked in the shower after the first time in my bed and again when we took up this entwined spot on the sofa. I still wanted more.

“You’re like a drug, I swear,” I breathed into her hair.

“Law,” she whimpered, her voice sexy and raspy from all the activity. “I don’t think I can go again. I’m not sure I can even walk at this point.”

“Sshh, baby, I know. My body is running on its own agenda right now. I don’t think I could either.” It only took a second to reassess that dumb comment, and I laughed aloud. “Okay, that’s not true, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m obsessed, not cruel.”

“Obsessed? Really?”

“Oh…one hundred percent.”

“Does that concern you?” she asked but continued staring at the television screen where two girls took turns gossiping about each other.

I answered honestly. “No, not really. Feels damn good, actually.” But then I realized maybe the words made her uncomfortable, so I asked, “Does it worry you?” Oxygen was in short supply while I waited for her to reply.

Her body didn’t tense, though, and she only took a few seconds to reply. “Nah, I’m not worried either. This has been one of the best days I can remember.”

I wanted to turn her to face me but thought it might be easier for her to talk openly without the scrutiny of my direct stare.

“Hey, listen, while I’m thinking of it,” I began, and she looked at me over her shoulder. “It’s nothing bad, I just keep forgetting to ask you.”

“Okaaaay,” she dragged out skeptically. “What’s up?”

“My niece’s birthday is this weekend, and my brother and his woman are throwing a party for her. I was hoping you’d be my date.” Why the hell did I feel so nervous asking her to go with me? Probably because she’d meet a lot of my family members there and damn straight I’d be introducing her to everyone as my girlfriend.

“Sure, I guess. What day? Saturday or Sunday?”

“Pretty sure it’s Saturday. Do you have to work?” I asked, hoping she didn’t have a readymade excuse not to go.

“Nope. That’s the best thing about an office job. Monday through Friday,” she said and sat up so we could chat. “Have you gotten a gift already?”

“Shit, no. Well, looks like I’ll need to do that before the party. I swear I’m the worst gift giver on the planet.”

But the little angel sitting in front of me lit up like a Christmas tree. “You’re in luck! I love picking out presents for other people. Maybe more than receiving gifts myself.”

“Would you mind going with me to pick something up?”

“I was hoping you’d ask. I’d be happy to go with you.” She looked at the dainty watch on her wrist and wrinkled her nose. “Probably too late to go now, so we’ll have to go tomorrow. How old is she?”

I thought for a second and remembered Jacob telling me that his daughter Vela and our niece Stella were in the same class at school. “She’s the same age as my niece, so…nine. In fact, I’m sure Stella will be at the party too, so you’ll get to meet some of my family.”

“Oh, wait a second,” she said, and her entire demeanor shifted—from excited and enthusiastic to trepidatious in the blink of an eye.

“What’s wrong?” I asked and took her hands in mine, ready to reassure her.

“I wonder if my sister will be there. Maybe I shouldn’t go. I don’t want to cause any drama.” She bit into her bottom lip with worry.

“Darling, why would that cause drama?” I asked innocently. I knew there was some tension between Shepperd and her family members, but I didn’t realize it was intense enough to make her miss out on something she just seemed excited about.

She stood and began pacing around the room. “I probably used the wrong word. Not drama necessarily. Just awkwardness. Plus, maybe she won’t be there. Her baby is still pretty young. I don’t know if they’re taking her places just yet.”

“I guess I didn’t realize you didn’t get along,” I said, and she stopped pacing long enough to give me a look I hadn’t seen before. Something along the lines of Be serious, you moron , and I didn’t like it very much.

“Explain this look you’re giving me.”

“What look?” she snapped back. Man, this girl’s moods flipped like a switch.

“This look.” I stepped up to block her pacing, and she looked up the length of my body until she met my eyes.

“Sorry,” she murmured. And just like that, the defensiveness was gone, and she was small and contrite in the space she took up in front of me.

“You don’t have to apologize, Shep. Just help me understand. What’s the beef between you and your sister? Sorry, I can’t remember her name even though I’m sure you’ve told me before.”

“Hannah,” she said with a grimace toward the floor.

“That’s right. Hannah. She’s the one married to Elijah Banks, right?”

“She is. And they just had a little baby girl a few weeks ago.” She thought for a moment and then corrected herself. “Shit, it’s been almost two months already.” She cradled her face in her hands and mumbled, “Another reason for everyone to be pissed at me.”

I tugged her hands down and wrapped them in my own. They were cold in my warm grip, and I waited patiently for her to look at me. “What’s going on?” I asked when she finally lifted her chin. “Even your hands are cold now.” In the back of my mind, I suspected she was working up to an anxiety attack but didn’t want to suggest it out loud.

“They all hate me,” she said in a small voice. “Everything I do is wrong. I don’t want to ruin your niece’s party, Law. Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

And we circled the wagon completely. “Okay, please settle down.” I winced the moment the words came out of my mouth. I knew the first thing not to say to someone having an anxiety attack was calm down . I’d been through this before with another girl I dated and learned some crucial lessons the hard way.

“Sorry,” I apologized instantly. “I know that doesn’t help. Can we sit down and talk about this?”

It was a true testament to how much I cared about this girl. Normally, I didn’t have an ounce of patience for stuff like this. It felt manipulative and a tad childish if I were being bluntly honest. But having that thought just made me frustrated with myself.

Obviously, she was having a barrage of issues crowding her brain. She deserved patience and kindness while she worked through it all.

I wanted to be the one to show her that grace.

Carefully, she lowered to the couch as though it caused her physical pain. I took the cushion beside her and angled my body toward hers. I wanted to blurt out question after question but knew she needed time to organize her thoughts. So I waited for her to start the conversation.

Finally, she said, “I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Waving her hand in the air in front of us, she said, “This. All this. It’s ridiculous.” She shook her head a couple of times before dropping her face into her open palms.

“It’s not. Talk to me. Walk me through where that came from so I can understand,” I requested as gently as possible.

“It’s my family. It’s just so much crap between us all that has never been dealt with. So it just builds and builds and builds, and now we have this enormous pile of crap between us and not one shovel to be found.”

I hoped I wasn’t stepping over the line but asked, “Have you ever tried talking to them? Like not in the heat of an argument but when everyone is calm and thinking open-mindedly?”

“I’m sure over the years I’ve tried. And for whatever reason, nothing was resolved. Things have just gotten worse and worse over time. I’m not sure if I told you this before… I don’t think I have…” She paused and took a deep breath as though whatever she was about to say was so heavy she needed to gather strength to say it. “My sister Hannah was nearly abducted when she was six years old. Maye and I were just babies. My mom had all of us in Target by herself, and two people cornered my sister and dragged her to the restroom.”

“Oh no…”

Judging by the look on her face, there was still more to the story.

“They drugged her, cut her hair, changed her into little boy’s clothes, and then tried to leave the store with her as their own child. The management locked down the entire store, and my mom recognized her in their arms as they tried to leave. So they were caught, prosecuted, and sent to jail.”

Strangely, she recited the facts like the anchor on the evening news. Detached and unfeeling, even though she was talking about her own family.

Still, I said, “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Your mother must have been terrified.” It seemed like an appropriate response to that bomb drop.

She shrugged. “I’m sure she was. Hannah has had nightmares her whole life about it even though her actual memory is spotty about it happening. I’m sure it’s been just as hard on her,” she added, and I thought it might have been the first kind, understanding thing I’d heard her say about one of her siblings.

So why all the bitterness and resentment? I wanted to ask the question but didn’t want to interrupt her now that she was sharing.

So she continued. “But here’s the thing. We have all relived that day over and over again. Whether it was through my parents’ paranoia that something was going to happen if we were out of their sight for even a minute or my sister always being handled with kid gloves. Like she was their only child, you know? While the rest of us needed our parents just as much and were often left to fend for ourselves. Over the years, especially now that I’m older, I think they’ve done more damage in the way they’ve dealt with the experience than the experience did itself.”

I scooped her hands into mine and lifted her knuckles to my lips. After placing gentle kisses on both hands, I looked at her for a long moment. I was angry for her. I was sad for her. But most of all, I wanted to be here for her. In all the times her parents and sisters failed to support her, I wanted her to know she could count on me. Her trust issues made a lot more sense now.

I decided to take a risk and draw a line connecting what she had just told me to the original situation she’d shared. God save me if I set her off.

“It makes sense why you never trusted your parents enough to tell them about the abuse at school. You probably thought either they wouldn’t believe you or didn’t have the time for you because they seemed to be more focused on Hannah all the time.”

While I spoke, she nodded in agreement. And then another thought was born from the previous. I could definitely be connecting dots that had no business being connected, but it seemed pretty obvious to me. Maybe talking about it with me would give her the courage to finally address this topic with her family.

“You’ve said before that you suspected the same janitor molested your sister. Knowing about her history now, I would think she made a pretty ripe target for the bastard. Do you ever think about talking to her about what happened?”

“I mean, I’ve fantasized about it, you know? Like what would that be like to have something we could bond over? And what an awful thing to bond over, right?” She forced out a laugh, but we both knew it wasn’t close to being funny.

Christ, this was a fucked-up situation. But these women deserved peace and security in their lives. The strength they could get from each other could help them navigate daily life after being taken advantage of so cruelly.

Suddenly, Shepperd inhaled deeply through her nose and sat up taller. “Okay,” she said. “That’s enough of that bullshit for one night. Please let’s change the subject.”

I was baffled by her declaration and didn’t know how to react. How did she just turn it off like that? I couldn’t figure out the how, but I was sure about the why. This was her unhealthy way of coping. Still, words escaped me completely.

Shepperd shot to her feet, pivoted to face me and planted her hands on her hips. “Why are you just staring at me now?”

“Sit down,” I said in a quiet but direct tone.

Out of instinct, she followed my instruction and sat back down on the cushion beside me.

Keeping my voice calm, I said, “If you could be fair here, you could admit that was a lot for anyone to digest. I’m trying to process everything you’ve told me and at the same time be careful in how I respond. I realize that attitude is your normal go-to with people, but I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to like that. I wasn’t staring at you in any way other than complete admiration.”

She made a disagreeing sound and crossed her arms over her chest. Tempting me—more than she realized—to sling her across my lap and spank her ass for the bratty behavior. But I knew I couldn’t use that approach with her just yet.

“How could you possibly admire me, Law? Be serious. I just admitted to all that shit, and you want me to believe that? Come on…”

“Shepperd, listen to me. The stuff that has happened in your life? Those things don’t define you. You were the victim. You didn’t choose those things.” I waited until she locked her deep blue eyes on mine and then continued. “The way you’ve handled these experiences is what makes you who you are. For the most part, I’d say you’ve been incredibly brave and strong to have risen above it all and make the best out of your life. Is there still work to be done? Of course, there is. We are all a work in progress, don’t you think? I mean, really, until the day we die, we work on being better versions of ourselves. The only thing that would make me look at you in any other way than awe would be if you just gave up on yourself and didn’t continue to persevere.”

I realized that was a bit of a lecture, but she needed to hear positive things about herself. The number she was doing on her own self-esteem was hard to battle. And she had years of a head start.

She studied her folded hands in her lap after I let all that fly out. The silence in the room was bigger than either one of us. When she finally looked up to meet my waiting gaze again, she had tears in her eyes.

“Oh, baby…” I started and opened my arms in time to catch her slim body coming my way. She hurled herself into my embrace, and I pulled her into my lap. With my arms banded snuggly around her, I gently rocked her back and forth for a long time. I kissed the top of her head and murmured sweet, reassuring things into the still room. Every once and awhile she’d let out a sniffle or a gulp of air, but mostly we sat there in silence.

“I love holding you like this,” I admitted with my nose buried in her long hair. “You feel so perfect in my arms, I could stay like this forever.”

“Don’t you think they’d miss you at work?” she teased into my neck, and I grinned behind her head.

“Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I’m honored that you feel safe enough with me to tell me about your past,” I said against her crown, and she clutched my body tighter.

“I’m so scared,” she mumbled.

If the room hadn’t been so still, I would’ve thought I’d misunderstood what she’d said.

“Why? I’m right here, baby. No one is going to hurt you as long as I’m around,” I vowed. And those words came out on their own will. It was like my mind and body just reacted to this woman on a wavelength that didn’t involve conscious decision.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m terrified you’re going to run in the other direction. I know I have a lot of baggage, Law. I do. It’s been a really long time…” she paused there and slowly shook her head back and forth as if disagreeing with herself. “Okay, that’s not true. I’ve never actually felt strong enough to deal with it all myself, let alone share it with someone who matters to me.”

I separated our bodies so I could see her face. I couldn’t help the grin I was sporting and knew she would get defensive if I didn’t quickly explain the expression.

“So I matter to you?” I asked, somewhat teasing, somewhat thrilled she admitted her feelings for me.

She tilted her head to the side. “Yeah. More than I’d care to admit, actually.”

“What do you mean?” I asked and tried to keep any hurt I might have been feeling out of my tone.

“I don’t want to get hurt, you know?”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Shepperd. Or rather, I can promise to do everything I can so that doesn’t happen.”

“Thank you. I can’t really ask for more than that, can I?”

“Oh, darling, you can ask for anything your heart desires, and I will be thrilled to give it to you,” I said with a playful wink. It was time to lighten up the conversation a bit.

“Hmmm,” she said with her finger to her chin. “In that case, I’d really like some ice cream.”

“Done!” I said and stood with her still in my arms, laughing as I kissed the tip of her nose. “Let’s go see what we have in the freezer.”