Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

I t was two days later, and Seb was entirely sober when he approached the Globe Tavern again. He knew Mr Lovell wasn't here, because he had left him at his place of work in St Giles, prior to coming. He had said nothing to Mr Lovell of what had passed between himself and Bethany Whittaker, and it wasn't to see Bethany that he was coming to the Tavern today. It was to see her sister.

He entered the Tavern's tap room and found Mrs Lovell, as she was now called, wiping down tables and straightening chairs. She glanced round and smiled at him.

"Mr Rooke, can I help you with something?"

"I hope so. May I have a word with you in private?"

"Of course," she glanced round and nodded at Joe the tapster, before she led him behind the bar to a door into a small office. She rounded the small desk and waved him to one of the two guest chairs, seating herself behind the desk .

He perched on the too small chair, hoping it would hold his weight and said bluntly, "Mrs Lovell, I've come to tell you that I love you sister, but she refuses to marry me. I have every reason to think that she returns my affections, but she still refuses, and I cannot get her tell me the reason for her refusal. Can you help me, either to persuade her to accept my suit or to at least understand why she won't accept me?"

"Oh." Mrs Lovell regarded him in silence for a moment. "I rather wondered."

"Has she said anything to you? I thought she might have confided in you?"

"No, she hasn't said anything, but she has been moping about with red eyes for the last two days and refusing to tell me why." She clasped her hands and rested her elbows on the desk. "Mr Rooke I am glad that you hold my sister in affection, for no one deserves love more than my sweet Beth."

"I adore her Mrs Lovell, I would do anything for her. To see her distressed and unhappy- it tears me in two."

She nodded and swallowed, her eyes suddenly over bright. "I think that you are right, and she returns your regard Mr Rooke."

"Then why won't the stubborn little darling marry me?"

Mrs Lovell reached into her pocket and took out a handkerchief and wiped her eyes and sniffed. "I think I know the reason."

He nodded leaning forward. "Tell me."

"I think Beth's refusal to marry you springs from a misguided attempt to shield you from heart break. "

"How so?" His heart thudded painfully in his chest.

"Beth had scarlet fever as a child and the doctors told us it weakened her heart. In truth, we did not expect her to see her sixteenth birthday."

Seb's heart lurched and a cold wave passed over his skin,

"She was prone to fainting spells and shortness of breath growing up. The physicians warned that even if she survived into adulthood, she would be unlikely to survive the rigours of childbirth and failing that, would most likely die young from heart failure." Mrs Lovell dabbed at her eyes.

Listening to these words, the room titled on its axis and Seb held onto the sides of the chair to keep himself upright.

Mrs Lovell got up and came round the desk. Sitting in the other guest chair, she took his hands. "I'm sorry Mr Rooke, it must be a shock."

"It is," his voice was a croak and his lips felt numb. "She hasn't shown any of those signs of weakness in the time I have known her."

"No, she has seemed to go from strength to strength in recent years, and we wondered if she had outgrown it, but the doctor says her heartbeat is still irregular which argues for damage." She shrugged. "We don't know, but Beth has lived all her life with the knowledge that she could die at any moment. It has made her both vulnerable and incredibly strong."

Seb swallowed, feeling sick and slightly faint himself.

Mrs Lovell stood up and came back in a moment with a glass of whisky that she plonked down in front of him.

He took it with thanks and downed it in two swallows. He wiped his eyes. "I understand her refusal now, but I cannot let it stand. From my perspective it is even more imperative that I marry her." He flushed.

"I must be honest with you, Mrs Lovell, I have been intimate with your sister, to such an extent that she cannot marry anyone else. The odds of her falling pregnant are not high, but it is not impossible, and frankly I must give her the protection of my name." He paused.

"If I'd had any inkling of the risk I was placing her under," he swallowed. "No amount of pleading from her would have persuaded me–"

"She begged you?" asked Mrs Lovell her eyes wide.

He flushed. "We had indulged in a fair amount of intimacy by that point, but I had been careful to not actually ruin her, she had made it clear to me, she didn't intend to marry, but I took this as a reaction against the proposed match with Mr Neeps. She is so young-" He sighed. "There is no excuse for me. I behaved very badly, but your sister is determined and quite utterly irresistible. That is my only defense."

"Indeed," Mrs Lovell nodded. "Bethany is stubborn. She smiled. "It's a family trait, you should hear Mr Lovell on the subject of my stubbornness."

"I will of course make a clean breast of my transgressions to Mr Lovell, but can I ask that I be allowed to do that myself? "

"I won't tell him, but you had best do it straight away for I won't lie to him if he should ask."

"I will." He rose. "Thank you for your time Mrs Lovell."

"I think as you are to become my brother-in-law, you should call me Genevra."

"Genevra," he kissed her cheek as she offered it. "Please call me Sebastian, or Seb." He smiled ruefully, "That is if Mr Lovell doesn't emasculate me."

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'll tell him I like the idea of you for Beth, and he will be fine."

"Thank you. There is no time to waste. I intend to make the most of whatever time we may have."

"How do you propose to persuade her?"

"I'm not going to give her a choice," he said grimly.

A few minutes later, after explaining the details of what he proposed and eliciting Genevra's assistance, he left to make preparations.

Beth had spent two days sunk in misery following her sister's wedding, not helped by the return of the newly-weds in a state of obvious delirious happiness. Not that she wasn't glad for Genevra she was, for no one deserved happiness more than she did, but it just underlined her own heartache.

That unreliable organ, that could fail on her at any moment, was aching now and being altogether uncooperative. She just wanted to flee to the comfort of Seb's arms and beg him to forgive her. But she couldn't do that, must not do that, for his sake. He was hurt now, but he would recover, and she would have saved him from the greater heartache of falling even more deeply in love with her and then suffering the grief of loss when she died.

She worried over the prospect of falling pregnant, but she reasoned that if she was at all like her mother and sisters it was not likely to have happened after only once. And Seb did pull out so… None of them had fallen quickly. All the same, the prospect that she potentially carried a time bomb that would kill her in her belly made her feel sick with dread. For that would make it so much worse for Seb, he would insist on marrying her then and would lose her and the child… Such double grief would break his dear generous heart.

She knew what that grief was like. She still missed papa, and she had seen how much it devastated her sister and her mother. She couldn't protect them from the pain of her death, but she could protect Seb, and she was determined to do so, no matter how much it hurt her.

She had already been abominably selfish where he was concerned, but she had the memories of their time together to cherish and comfort her alone in her bed, and at least she had experienced what it was like to be fully with a man. She wouldn't die wondering.

It was coming on dusk, when Genevra sent her out on an errand to fetch a cough balsam from the apothecary for her lingering cough. The apothecary's shop was in the next street over and her thoughts were still sunk deep in her misery, so she didn't notice the carriage drawn up the curb.

When a hand covered her face and a strong arm lifted her off her feet, clamping her back to a broad chest she struggled and kicked out, panic surging through her body and sending h er heart into overdrive. In the next moment she was lifted into the carriage and a large figure followed her in. The doors were closed, and the carriage moving, before the large arms holding her let go.

"I'm sorry, little flower, hush it's alright, you're safe," a familiar voice said above her head, the big hands soothed her.

She swiveled on the seat and glared at Sebastian. "What are you doing? Where are we going?"

"My apologies Bethany but I'm kidnapping you."

"What? Is this supposed to be a joke?"

"No, though I'll admit, it seems like a farce." He rubbed his head.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To my father's house in Pinner." He sat back as the carriage lurched over a pothole in the road.

"Why?"

"So that he can marry us." His voice was calm, matter of fact.

She closed her eyes, tears threatening. "No! I told you-"

"I know the truth, sweetheart. Your sister told me. I know why you keep refusing me, and it doesn't matter." He swallowed, blinking back tears. "There is only one reason I will accept for your refusal and that is that you don't love me. Tell me truly, do you love me, Beth? If you really don't love me, I'll take you back to the Tavern."

Tears ran down his cheeks and he grasped her hands tightly, his dark eyes soft with love and anguish.

"Tell me the truth love, because I adore you and all I want is to be with you f or however long God grant's us the time, to protect and love and hold you. Call you my wife." his voice cracked. "Tell me you don't want that too, and I'll take you back."

Her heart sundered, and she flung herself into his arms.

"Oh Sebastian, of course I love you. I was trying to protect you!"

He hauled her close and murmured into her hair, "I know love, but that is my job, protecting you!"

"I was selfish, wanting to experience everything with you," she sobbed against his chest. "I l-love you so much!"

His arms tightened round her. "Then you will agree to marry me?"

"Yes, yes, I will marry you Seb, I will be proud to be your wife."

"Good," he muttered and squeezed her even tighter. She lifted her head, and he kissed her.

Seb kissed her with all the tender passion he was capable of, his heart full and aching. When he finally broke the kiss, she smiled up at him through her tears and his heart felt as if it would burst. She was so lovely and so brave and strong and selfless, he didn't deserve her, yet she loved him anyway.

He blinked his own tears away and tried to smile back. He would strive to make her days, as many as she was granted, as happy and fulfilled as possible. He sniffed and said thickly, "My father and sister will love you."

She laughed, "I'm sure I will love them." She nestled her head into his ches t and sighed. "You make me so happy."

"You make me happy," he kissed her hair.

"Who is looking after the kittens?" She murmured.

"Ben."

She sighed, nestling closer. "How long will it take us to get there?"

"Three or four hours. It isn't all that far, but the roads are atrocious."

"I have no clothes but these," she gestured.

"Yes, you do, your sister packed you a bag." He indicated the valise on the opposite seat.

She looked at it and back at him. "So, her errand was a ruse?"

He nodded.

"When did you concoct this plan?"

"Hmm. About four hours ago. I went to see you sister and confessed everything to her. I wanted to understand why you kept refusing my proposals. At first when you said you didn't love me, I was devastated. But then I thought about your behaviour and that statement didn't ring true. Am I a coxcomb for thinking so? I was almost certain you cared for me, perhaps not as much as I did for you-"

"No! More!"

"But enough that your refusal made no sense. I'm no angel, but you clearly enjoyed our physical intimacy, and you seemed to enjoy my company as well. Many marriages are founded on much less than that."

"You told her everything?"

He nodded. "Not the details, but the gist, yes. "

She covered her face with her hands, he suspected she was blushing, but he couldn't tell in the dim light in the carriage. The sun had fallen below the horizon, and it would be full dark soon. "How will I face her?"

"She didn't seem upset or embarrassed about it. In fact, she was my champion. Kidnapping you would have been difficult to pull off without her help."

"But what about Mr Lovell threatening your manhood?"

"Genevra said she would settle him down. I believe her, I've seen the way he looks at her, sort of like I look at you. I left him a letter explaining everything." He kissed her again, which provoked a sigh and a moan from his love.

She snuggled in closer and rubbed her face on his coat. "I'm so happy for her, but I was jealous too. She deserves happiness though; her first husband was a–one of those crude words you don't like me to use!"

"A prick?" he suggested helpfully.

"Yes, one of those."

"Hmm, I know something of that. There are a lot of nasty men in the world. I used to count myself as one of them-"

"No! Never!" She sat up and clasped his face in her hands. "You were never a bad man; I won't have you say so."

"I did some pretty bad things my darling." He swallowed. "Certainly, things I'm not proud of. But Mr Lovell will have to find someone else to do those jobs from now on. I won't do them anymore. "

"What sort of things?"

He shook his head. "I won't give you details. You don't need those sorts of things in your head. But I hurt people, and-" he hesitated. "I killed people." He tensed waiting for her reaction.

"Were they bad people?"

"Most were very bad people. Others... were foolish or unfortunate." He swallowed. "I never hurt women or children though. Only men."

"Men like Lord Mountford..."

"Yes, mostly." He temporised.

"But you won't do so anymore?"

"That's right, I plan to devote myself to being a model husband." He smiled and kissed her hand.

She nodded and smiled, reaching up, she kissed him, and he pulled her into his lap.

"I think you saved me, Beth. I was on a dark path when I met you. In another few years I doubt if I could have continued to reconcile the two sides of my life. What I did for a living and the way I was brought up. My father is a very good man, and I was not worthy of being his son, the way I was going."

"I am convinced you have always been a good man at heart. I can tell." She laid a small hand over his heart, and he clasped it tight. "How did you fall into that work with Mr Lovell?"

Seb considered how much to tell her and decided that he needed to confess the full truth. "Did you know I was in the army?"

"No, when?"

"Over five years ago now. I served in the Peninsular wars in Spain. I was just a foot soldier. Have you heard of the Battle of Corunna? "

She wrinkled her forehead in an effort of memory. "Only vaguely when was it?"

"1809, you would have only been eleven. God." He stopped, confronted again with her youth. "Napoleon had invaded Spain with a huge army, and we were forced to flee Salamanca. The French harried us all the way to the coast, through mountainous terrain. The conditions were appalling, freezing, ice and snow, poor provisions and discipline was bad, we lost a lot of men. By the time we reached Corunna, we were in pretty poor case.

"Moore, that was our commanding officer had requested the transport ships meet us there, but they had been delayed. We were trapped with the French on our tails." He took a breath, his heart thudding with memory. His skin prickling with the sweat of dread. Images and memories he'd rather forget, bursting across his inner vision. He swallowed and went on doggedly.

"We had to stand and fight. Moore was killed in the fighting along with at least 900 other men. It was a humiliating defeat for the British army."

He stopped, took another breath and went on. "The transport ships finally arrived, and we could begin embarking the sick and wounded. Almost 6000 of us were in bad case. Before we left, we blew up the stores and munitions in Corunna so the French couldn't get them and," he swallowed, closing his eyes, the screams of horses ringing in his head, "slaughtered over 2000 cavalry horses that we couldn't take with us." He wiped at his cheeks, which felt numb and cleared his throat. He shuddered, and Beth's hand reached up to touch his cheek. he and was small and warm, and its comfort, eased his heart. Swal lowing he cleared his throat and continued.

"I was sick with fever and out of my head for days after I arrived home. The military hospital was dirty and full of dying, terrified men. It didn't help. I survived the fever and gradually came back to myself, but I was broken."

She squeezed his hand. "It must have been awful," she whispered, watching him with big soft eyes, glistening with tears.

"It was. The conditions were dreadful during the campaign and the horrors we endured I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it was the slaughter of the horses that brought me undone. Their screams haunt me to this day." He shuddered, his stomach sick with the memory.

She snuggled closer and murmured something comforting. his heart warmed to her touch, even as he continued unburdening himself of a story he had shared with no one.

"I became numb as a way of dealing with it and my numbness enabled me to do things for Mr Lovell I'm not proud of. He hired me initially as a croupier and I continued in that role at the gaming hell he owned, but I did other things too. And when he lost the hell, I did more of them.

"I was big and strong, and I look pretty terrifying when I don't smile, and I haven't shaved. I contributed a lot to Mr Lovell's reputation. So, you see I am not a good man Beth, but I will strive to be better going forward." He kissed her small hand, fondling the fingers.

He looked down into her face. "I will never stop striving to be good enough for you, my angel. "

She nodded. "You are more than good enough for me!" she declared, blinking tears from her eyes.

"Oh Beth! Don't cry sweetheart." He put an arm round her, pulling her close against him.

She shook her head. "I can't help it, I'm so happy and I love you so much!"

His heart cracked and filled to overflowing with a warmth he hadn't known it was possible to feel. "You couldn't possibly love me as much as I love you." He pulled her closer and kissed her some more.

Contentedly snuggled into Seb's embrace, Beth felt her heart skip and lift with hope. Would God be so cruel to bring her this happiness only to take it away again? She prayed not. She didn't want to die. Not now, not yet.

"Seb?"

"Hmm? Yes love?"

"Do you- you want to have children?" Her heart thudded and skipped as she felt him tense up. She shifted so that she could see his face. The light was very dim now.

"Not if it puts you at risk," he said quietly.

"But there is no way to avoid the risk entirely unless we-"

"Abstain entirely from full intercourse. Yes, I've thought about that."

"And?"

"We will manage." He smiled and kissed her forehead. "We can give each other pleasure without doing that. "

"Yes, but I want to do that," she objected. "It felt marvelous to have you inside me."

He groaned. "Beth it's an impossible choice for me. Knowing I risk your life for a moments pleasure, I don't think I can do it."

"Perhaps we place it in God's hands to decide?" She looked up at him.

Seb swallowed and nodded. "Perhaps." he pulled her close and closed his eyes. He hadn't prayed in a long time, but he foresaw a lot of it in his future. Whatever sacrifices he had to make, it was worth it to have her safe and healthy in his arms.