27. Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven

As night began to fall and it was clear Cassidy wasn't coming back, Kinsey put the car into reverse and headed to her apartment. Her home was quiet, dark, and cold, after weeks on the road. She'd stopped by the store on her way to buy a couple of basics, so she could cook up a bowl of pasta and eat some cereal in the morning. She cooked and ate on autopilot in her silent kitchen.

When Cassidy finally texted her back, clearly high as a kite on sex, Kinsey smiled to herself. She was desperately glad that Lane had gotten their shit together and that maybe there was a chance for Cassidy to truly get who she'd always deep down wanted. She knew the Cassidy she'd get back - the one with the extra bright sparkle in her eye and the bounce in her step - and she looked forward to seeing her again. There'd be no chance of more sparking between them anymore, and in a way, that felt almost relaxing. They could sustain their creative friendship now with so much less chance of screwing it all up.

Still, at the same time, Kinsey readied herself to be third wheel again. Soon she'd be sitting to the side as Lane and Cassidy mooned over each other, trying not to overhear their ‘I love you's as they called each other every night on tour. She imagined the ache in her chest growing like a shadow, hollow and empty behind her ribs.

It was her own fault she'd never really cultivated close connections with either Franklin or Eliza. They all hung out, rehearsing, goofing around sometimes on the tour bus or for a drink after a show, but she'd never invested anything more. She promised herself she'd change that as soon as they got back on the road.

Kinsey flopped back on her couch with a sigh. Completely unbidden she remembered her most basic fantasy: Rosalie, relaxed and beautiful right here. She could almost see her, focused on her phone or a book or the TV, looking up distractedly at Kinsey, her mouth full of casual sass, making her want to kiss the hell out of her.

Rosalie was less than a couple of miles away right now. God, why did it still ache so much? There really was nothing like almost having someone to really send you into a tailspin.

She picked up her phone.

"Hey mom," Kinsey couldn't help her smile when her mother's face appeared on the screen.

"Hi baby girl." Her mom reached out her hand like she could actually touch her face. "How are you doing out there, busy being a rock star?"

"We're having a quick break," she said. "I'm at home, just for the night."

"That sounds nice. How's Cassidy doing?" her mom asked, propping the phone on the table in front of her at a slightly seasick angle. Cassidy had chatted with her mom so many times over her shoulder that they were practically old friends by now. Kinsey smiled.

"She's great actually. Her and Lane just got back together."

"Oh!" Her mom clapped her hands. "Wait," she paused. "She made them grovel on their hands and knees first though, right?"

Kinsey laughed.

"I know they pulled out all the stops to win her back," she reassured her mother.

"And how are you doing?" Her mother examined her through the screen.

"I'm good," Kinsey said. Her mom squinted her eyes suspiciously. "I'm fine."

"Stop pulling the phone away from your face," she complained. Kinsey rolled her eyes and brought it back closer. "What's wrong?" her mom said instantly.

"Ugh," she said.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm… I don't know mom. It's not that I'm…lonely exactly. I still have Cassidy, like I haven't lost her. I just…" she trailed off.

"You want what she has," her mom said.

Kinsey bit her lip. "Yeah," she said. "I guess I do."

"You're still sad about that woman who turned you down."

"I don't want to be," Kinsey said straight away. "I just want to be over her, you know? I'm really trying to be over her."

"Hm," said her mom, nodding. "Sometimes things just take longer than we'd like," she said simply.

Kinsey sighed.

"Yeah," she said. "I guess they do."

The next morning she picked up Cassidy and Lane after their night in a romantic field tower . She couldn't really picture it, but the tower seemed to have worked its magic. Cassidy hugged her tight, her eyes glowing, her hair tangled, pure walking sex and Kinsey could only roll her eyes and hug her back. Lane on the other hand took three trips down the field tower and back, carrying all the supplies they'd set up to woo their girl. Kinsey refused to help on the principle that Cassidy also wasn't helping, and after all, Lane still had a way to go until they'd atoned as far as she, personally, was concerned.

They played Louisville that night, Cassidy sparkling at the front of the stage like she might burst into literal flames at any moment.

"Hey," Kinsey said to Eliza after the show, approaching her where she sat on a big cushy sofa in the green room. "You know, we haven't really hung out that much. But I think you're great. We should get to know each other better."

Eliza considered her, her chin on her fist, her sandy blonde hair falling into her eyes. She raised her brows so long that Kinsey began to wilt.

"Got ditched now that Cassidy's got her boyfriend back, huh?"

Kinsey winced. "Yeah, pretty much."

Eliza nodded. Then she shrugged. "Want a beer?"

"Fuck yes."

Eliza was funny . She jerked Kinsey around about being all cool girls with Cassidy but cackled her head off when Kinsey tried to apologize. Eliza was into nineties girl bands and had a boyfriend back home called Dave who she was considering breaking up with, though she had custody concerns over their ancient terrier named Squish.

"We could try to share custody," she said, "but I think Squish would piss on his shoes for sure. Which," she added thoughtfully, "would at least save me having to do it."

Within the hour they were new best friends.

"How about you?" Eliza asked, propped up beside her, second beer in her hand. "Still hung up on Rosalie?"

Kinsey choked on her beer mid-sip.

"How… do you know about her?"

"Oh," Eliza said with a smirk, "you were talking to her for hours outside my window one night. Her name is kind of stuck in my mind now, like ohhh, Rosalie."

"Argh!" Kinsey looked around quickly. "God, I'm sorry. Also, can you… please not tell anyone?"

"It's a secret?"

"Just her name."

"Oh my god," Eliza said, her hazel eyes gleaming bright. "Cassidy knows Rosalie? But Cassidy doesn't know ? But now I know, and you know I know, but she doesn't know I know?"

Kinsey blinked. "Exactly. And," she added, "also Coral. So that's a whole thing."

"Holy shit, tell me everything, " said Eliza. "Why is it such a secret?"

Kinsey thought about it for a minute. Then she told her everything.

Eliza nodded as Kinsey finished. "She breadcrumbed you," she summed up.

"Huh?"

"Rosalie. She kept giving you just enough to keep you interested and invested. It's tantalizing as fuck. It's also kind of addictive. Like, will I get what I want this time? You get a little gambler's high. And then…" she mimed dropping something to the floor "a crash."

Kinsey's let her head fall back. "That feels accurate."

"She sounds like an asshole," Eliza said.

"She's not," Kinsey said shortly, lifting her head. "She's really not."

"Really?" Eliza raised her eyebrows. "How is she not?"

"She's…kind," Kinsey told her, "and principled. And-"

"Hot," Eliza butted in.

"No! I mean, well yes, obviously. But I'm not giving her a pass for that."

"Sounds like you are."

"I mean I left, didn't I?" Kinsey argued. "No passes given here. I didn't get into any more conversations about it, I just drew a hard boundary and I left right away in the middle of her freak out," Kinsey's voice faded out. "Shit," she said, as she played that back. "I left in the middle of her freak out," she repeated. "I didn't let her try to explain or stay to talk about it, I just left and then I deleted and blocked her number." She looked at Eliza, her eyes wide.

"That's… certainly one way to draw a boundary," Eliza said. "Effective. Brutal."

"Oh fuck."

"I mean, it still sounds like it was for the best," Eliza pointed out. "You weren't getting your needs met."

"Maybe," Kinsey said, her eyes fixed in the middle distance, "or maybe sometimes things just take longer than we'd like."

They were quiet for a beat. Eliza started tapping her fingernails against the glass of her beer bottle.

"Do you still have her number somewhere?" she asked after a while, her tone casual.

"No," Kinsey said. She'd forced herself to throw away her paper copy too.

"Well," Eliza said. She hesitated. "Still sounds like it's for the best."

"Maybe." Kinsey stared down at her hands. "Yeah," she added after a moment. "Probably."

Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Pittsburgh.

Lane had headed back home after Louisville, so technically Kinsey had Cassidy back, but something in their spell had been broken, allowing all the air to come rushing back in. They still spent ridiculous amounts of time together, but frequently now, Cassidy sat next to Coral on the bus, their heads inclined toward each other talking intensely. On the opposite side of the bus, Kinsey and Eliza lounged side by side, trading playlists, talking gear, deciding Eliza's romantic future and occasionally, furtively talking about Kinsey's own romantic disaster.

Washington, Baltimore, Wilmington, Philadelphia.

Kinsey had never tired of the road yet, but she found herself feeling homesick. She missed her family, wistful that this leg of the tour didn't make it to Chicago. She'd do anything for a hug from her mom right now and a homemade family dinner. She craved her quiet apartment in Nashville, the recording they'd be knuckling down for together a little more order in her days. Yet there was still a heavy wistful weight in her chest she couldn't explain. Homesick didn't quite seem to cover it.

New York was a blast. A bunch of Kinsey's college friends turned up for their gig and swept the four of them out afterward. They gleefully told Cassidy embarrassing stories about her, buzzing over their success, talking about their own hits and misses, the stage shows, the off Broadway plays, the dance productions. Kinsey missed them all desperately, making plans to come back again when their schedule allowed it, and then just like that, they were gone. Back on the road.

Kinsey stared out the window of the bus, melancholy and tired. Beside her Cassidy texted Lane, a secretive smile on her face. Across the aisle Eliza was low-key arguing with Dave on a call. Noah had joined this leg of the tour and he and Coral exuded easy, peaceful, married contentment for at least a mile in every direction. Franklin and Aria had broken up, but it hadn't slowed Franklin's pace; he seemed to be loving his freedom and the girls who flocked to him after every gig. It wasn't that everyone had someone, or even that everyone was content with the someone they had, it was just that Kinsey was alone in feeling nothing but a still burning loss.

God she was so done with it all. She wished she'd never met Rosalie at all. It had been incredible while she was in it, all that heat, all that craving and feeling so perfectly matched by someone, but the crash down the other side knowing she'd never get to have that again… it sucked all the color out of her world. She'd have been better off never having known her at all.

In New Haven, the air was cool and crisp. Lane took the weekend to come up and see Cassidy, so they booked separate rooms in a cute boutique hotel near the sea front, with - Kinsey hoped - thick walls for whoever got placed next door to them. She opened the windows, the scent of sea salt in the air luxurious after the stuffiness of the tour bus.

They played that night in a big venue, sounded by gorgeous architecture, right by Yale, the crowd full of hyped up students. Their set felt fired up, full of energy, the audience clearly obsessed with Cassidy as she gleamed under the lights.Kinsey watched her, watched the audience, watched the lights all around them. She could almost taste what it was going to be like when the crowd was there just for them. The roar of stadiums shouting their names.

Right before Honeybaked went on, Coral rounded them up.

"We're on the home stretch now," she told them. "This is usually when someone gets sick, or breaks a damn ankle going on stage because we're all getting tired. " She didn't look tired, she looked fucking radiant, but it was true that everyone else was getting wearier every time the adrenaline of their set wore off. "No hanging around tonight. Head off now and get some rest."

Cassidy and Lane were clearly not about to argue against an excuse to sneak off to the hotel early, but Kinsey frowned. Coral never really did the mother hen thing, content to let them fuck around and live the consequences as long as they showed up and were damn professionals on stage.

"I'm good-" Kinsey started, but Coral just pointed at her with one long elegant finger.

" Especially you," she said, fixing her in place with a stern glare. "Get your ass out that door right now or we're going to have words."

Kinsey blinked. She didn't know what she'd done to deserve that level of censure, but she sure as hell knew she wasn't about to argue with Coral Fucking Sanchez.

Eliza and Franklin had already vanished by the time Kinsey and Cassidy had grabbed their bags from the dressing room, so the two of them, plus Lane, headed out together. They found their way back through the rabbit warren of halls backstage to the performer's exit. There was a short flight of concrete steps to the parking lot and they were halfway down the exit stairs when Kinsey froze. A lone figure stood waiting at the bottom, fingers tucking back auburn hair in the low streetlight. Rosalie looked up and met Kinsey's eyes.