20. Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
Cassidy sat bolt upright and instantly regretted it. Her head pounded and her stomach rebelled, swirling with nausea. She lay back in the pillows, burrowing sideways in the sheets and tried hard not to move. Her eyes cracked open. Something was off. The soft grey pillowcase was unfamiliar, as was the fine crack in the white bedroom wall. Where the hell was she?
Slowly she raised her head again, her head swimming. A leather jacket was slung over the back of a wooden chair next to a table covered in notebooks and loose sheets of paper. An electric guitar was propped up against the wall. She knew this room. She was in Kinsey's bedroom. In Kinsey's bed.
Cassidy took stock, quickly. She was still in her t-shirt and underpants, which had to mean…something, didn't it? Why the hell was she waking up in Kinsey's bed? The day before came back to her slowly, then rushed in like a hurricane wave. Lane, their face shut down like a stranger's, not even a hug goodbye when she left. The silent flight home, avoiding Kinsey's eyes, not able to even talk yet. Kinsey inviting her in when the car dropped her off first. Talking and crying all afternoon until Cassidy had felt so strung out and drained that she could only think of one thing left to do: drink.
And drink she had. She had a faint recollection of having helped Kinsey drink the six pack of beer that was in her fridge and then demanding Kinsey find her something more. "More" had been a bottle of whiskey gifted to Kinsey by her dad at Christmas. Cassidy groaned into the pillow, swallowing another sour rush of nausea. From there, Cassidy didn't remember much else. A brief flash of being in Kinsey's arms that made her face heat up red hot, and then this, waking up in Kinsey's bed.
Cassidy struggled out of the bed, each footfall echoing sharply through her aching skull. She cracked open the bedroom door and listened. Silence echoed. She tiptoed out, dragging her suitcase behind her into the bathroom. After showering, brushing her furry teeth and pulling on clean clothes she felt almost like a human again.
She didn't think she could face food yet, but she made coffee. Eventually she found Kinsey, sitting on the back porch, gazing out at the grass, her thoughts a thousand miles away. Her face sat somewhere between sad and wistful. A pit opened up in Cassidy's stomach. Had she done something last night to put that look on Kinsey's face?
"Hey," she said softly and Kinsey turned toward her.
"Hey." Kinsey watched Cassidy carefully as she sat down next to her. "How're you doing this morning?"
"Ugh," Cassidy summed up. Kinsey nodded. The two of them watched the grass growing in silence for a while. Cassidy couldn't stop focusing on the sound of her own nervous swallow, her mouth dry as a chip despite the hot sips of coffee. Finally she flung herself over the cliff she'd been teetering on. "Last night. Did we…?" she trailed off, unable to finish.
Kinsey's eyes went wide. " No ," she denied, "absolutely not."
Cassidy just about passed out from sheer relief.
"Okay," she said. "Cool. I can't remember anything, and I woke up in your bed and I just wasn't entirely sure what happened-"
"Cass," Kinsey said firmly. "I helped you to bed before you passed out. I would literally never have sex with someone that intoxicated. I'm your friend ."
"I know," Cassidy said, nodding uncomfortably. "I trust you. Just, we were both drinking, and I was a mess and… maybe it's me I don't trust?" To her horror her chin began to tremble.
"Oh, honey," Kinsey said, reaching out and giving her arm a small squeeze. "Nothing happened. Unless you count crying on my shoulder so hard I got snot marks." Cassidy burst out in a small laugh despite her watering eyes and Kinsey smirked at her. "Besides, I stopped drinking after three beers. Someone had to keep an eye on you."
She got up and ruffled Cassidy's hair like she was a small child, then proceeded to cook her a giant greasy breakfast to soak up the hangover. Cassidy had never been more grateful for another human in all her life. When she finally felt like she could function again, she called Savannah's driver, Burt, who picked her up and drove her to the downtown apartment Savannah kept. There was no way she wanted to return home to the compound where she normally lived with her family and Lane. It was now nothing but a huge empty mansion full of painful memories.
Cassidy let herself into the apartment with the key code Savannah had arranged for her, she caught herself in a heavy sigh. Of course any apartment her sister owned wouldn't be like the cute little one Kinsey rented. Cassidy had imagined curling up in a small quiet living room and nursing her broken heart, snuggled up somewhere cosy and safe. Instead the damn thing was bigger than most people's houses, spread out over two floors, including an epic kitchen, huge stone bathroom, three bedrooms and sweeping views out over the Nashville skyline. A goddamned penthouse.
She loved her sister, but did Savannah always have to be so extra? This was almost as epic and lonely as if she'd gone back to the compound, empty and echoing as she tiptoed from room to room. Still, when she opened the fridge it was stocked with fresh, pre-made meals from Savannah's chef and there was a big bunch of beautiful flowers on the dining table. Her sister was still trying to care for her from afar, and Cassidy's eyes pricked with grateful tears. It was a far cry from when she'd first left her childhood home, terrified, resentful and filled with pain, unsure what kind of reception her estranged sister might give her. But that was Savannah, always trying to give her a safe place to land.
Wrapped in a blanket against the chill, Cassidy sat out on the balcony, staring blindly out at the view, surrounded by the sounds of the city sprawled below her. She tried to see a way through things with Lane, but she just couldn't. She loved them. She'd told them that. Even as she'd said the words, tiny and vulnerable, she'd felt Lane start to stiffen just the way she'd somehow known they would. And when they'd tried to hide it, she'd called them on it, and then instead of finding reassurance all she'd found was resistance, then a fight.
Somewhere despite all of this she was sure, deep in herself, that Lane loved her back. She hadn't imagined the look in their eyes hundreds of times in the last half of a year, as they held her face, lying in bed together, unable to look away or kiss her without smiling. She didn't know what the hell Lane's problem was but she knew their eyes hadn't lied. It had been on the tip of Cassidy's tongue to say it first, so many times. But something inside her had always held her back, though whether it was weird gender role stuff in her head or anxiety about being so vulnerable, she couldn't say. All she knew was that she'd finally said it and her world had crumbled.
No. Not her world. Cassidy sat up straight. Somewhere inside her was the girl who'd always declared that romance would not define her life. She was still the girl who'd only ever cared about music, about making it. She had the band. She had the beginnings of something magical. She had Kinsey. She would not fall apart because of love.
She picked up her phone and texted Hailey to tell her they were back early. Then she texted Kinsey.
Band practice? Tomorrow x
On her way to Kinsey's the next afternoon Cassidy took a call from Hailey telling them she'd already nabbed a last minute opening slot for Friday night. Cassidy was pumped. Honestly, Lane could go fuck themself. She had this. Everything was going to work out just fine.
Kinsey gave her a hug hello which was nice, but also weird, because they'd only ever been occasional huggers. Was Cassidy that tragic now that she warranted sympathy hugs or were they just getting closer and closer all the time? She wasn't sure, but either way, it felt good to be held, just for a second.
"Hey!" Cassidy said, feeling her face almost crack with the odd sensation of smiling for the first time in days. Kinsey, relaxed and beautiful as always, wore her hair up like she was ready to get down to business, an appealingly soft sweater falling off one shoulder.
"Are you sure you're up for this?" Kinsey asked. "Cos it's fine if you want a bit more time."
"No way." Cassidy told her about the gig on Friday. She'd already called Eliza and Franklin for an intensive practice session tomorrow so they could work through the new material they'd written in Vermont. "Let's get back into this."
"Okay," said Kinsey. There was a small flicker of doubt in her eyes, which Cassidy was determined to extinguish.
She grabbed her guitar and Kinsey got behind her drum kit. She counted them down for a run through of their cute bright song Green Light Go, and Cassidy got two lines in and burst into tears.
"Ah," said Kinsey. "Yeah."
The song was their poppy hit from their first ever gig together. Cassidy had written it only weeks after she and Lane had got together, filled with excitement, lust and the beginnings of love.
"Shit," she said through her tears. "No. It's fine. I've got this."
She took a deep breath, wiped her face and they started again. This time she made it nearly to the end of the first verse before her voice broke down.
"Honey," said Kinsey, "let's just take a break. There's no need to rush this."
" No. " Cassidy grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. "I'm not letting my stupid love life fuck up the band. We've got two days to be back in shape on stage."
"So?" asked Kinsey with a shrug. "We don't have to do that gig. We'll get a ton more. Looking after you is more important."
Cassidy surveyed her. She seemed to mean it.
"Listen," Cassidy said. "This is exactly how I want to look after myself. I want to go out there on Friday and I want to fucking kill it. I don't want to fall in a heap just because some cute person didn't want me back. Okay? This is all I want."
Kinsey nodded, her dark eyes soft.
"I get that," she said. "And I'll support that all the way if it's what you want. But maybe then let's not give a fuck if you cry, okay? Just cry all the way through the damn song if you need to. It's not like I haven't seen you in tears before. It's just me, Cass."
Instantly Cassidy burst into tears at the warmth of her support. Kinsey gave her a cheeky grin.
"That's it!" she encouraged. Cassidy laughed through her tears and blew her nose.
They played Green Light Go again, only this time Kinsey didn't stop when Cassidy faltered. Instead she just picked up the vocal until Cassidy could join back in. It sounded kind of ridiculous with Cassidy's wavering tragic voice singing a bright happy song, but Kinsey patched it perfectly. When they got to the end, Cassidy nodded, sniffed, sipped some water, and tried it again.
For three hours straight they played their songs together until Cassidy could sing every damn one of them - the happy ones, the sexy ones, the ones filled with longing, the sad songs - all without dissolving. When she finally put her guitar down, Kinsey came out from behind the kit and wrapped her arms around her in another big hug.
"You're a fucking rock star," she said. Cassidy clung tight to her warm body, before finally making herself let go.
That Friday they played the gig as planned. Cassidy felt wrung out with emotion and yet stepping on the stage her spine straightened, her feet planted firmly on the floor. The heaviness on her shoulders lifted and everything clicked into place. There was more heat behind her voice, more depth to the sad songs, more desperation and the crowd were right there with her. Belting out lyrics about Lane with eight hundred people singing along with her was finally the catharsis she'd failed to find drinking her body weight of whisky.
Backstage, another set of arms waited for her.
"Coral!" She'd never been so glad to see someone's face before. Coral smiled wide and wrapped her arms around her. After a moment, Cassidy pulled back, eyes narrowed. "Did Savannah send you?"
"She mentioned you might be sad," Coral said, "but she neglected to mention that you might literally be on fire. What the fuck, baby girl, when did you get this good?"
Cassidy beamed. Coral was the first person to ever take her seriously when she said she wanted to be a musician. To prove her faith in Cassidy right felt like the highlight of her career.
"She's incredible, right?" Kinsey stood off to the side. She looked slightly terrified. Cassidy almost giggled at the awed expression on her face.
"Coral," she said, "this is Kinsey. She's desperately in love with you."
Kinsey went pink.
"Oh," said Coral, "honey, it's mutual. You're talented as fuck." She smiled. "And gorgeous, look at you."
Kinsey lit up. She looked like she was about six years old and the Easter Bunny had just told her she was their favorite kid.
"Thank you," she managed. "You're like, the entire reason I wanted to be a drummer."
"I'm flattered," Coral said, "and now I also feel four hundred years old. Shall we go out for a drink?"
The three of them ended up in an upscale wine bar, the kind that was way too full and exclusive to let them in until Coral Sanchez showed up at the front door and magically a table appeared.
"Just soda water for me," Cassidy said. She wasn't sure if she would ever want to drink again. Kinsey grinned at her and gave her a quick sideways squeeze from the booth seat next to her. Coral cocked her head at their touch.
"Been going through it, honey?" Coral asked and Cassidy sighed. She gave the barest of facts, not really wanting to go into it. Coral listened thoughtfully, without treating it like a big deal which Cassidy appreciated.
"Being on stage helps," Cassidy finished and Coral nodded.
"It can. Who did you say was your manager?"
The next morning, Hailey called her. A band called Honeybaked was going on the road next week. They suddenly had a spot for an opening act. Cassidy sat down, hard. She knew that name well. Their drummer - when she wasn't touring with Savannah Grace - was Coral Sanchez.
"Can I… call you back?" Cassidy asked and hung up. Was this riding Savannah's coattails? Was this a sympathy slot? Would Kinsey forgive her if she made them turn down another stellar tour offer?
Finally, she called Coral.
"Is this… because I'm Savannah's sister?" she asked. "Is this you taking care of me?"
Coral cackled.
"Sweetpea, I love you, you know that. But there's a solid limit to Aunty Coral's love. Just ask my nephew Grayson, who's been begging me to take him on the road for the last two years. He's my actual sister's child, my own flesh and blood, and I would give my life for him. But not a tour spot. His band sucks."
"Then why?"
"You guys are the real deal. You're fucking good. And we need a new opener. It doesn't hurt that I think you want to get out on the road right now, but also, you need the practice."
"I…" Cassidy wasn't sure what to make of that. "We practice pretty much every day. I mean, I'm not saying we're perfect-"
"Practice at being on the road," Coral corrected her. "It's not as glamorous as Ms. Savannah Grace might make you think. If you want to do this for a living, you're going to have to get used to stinky tour buses and crappy roadside motels."
"Savannah's the only princess in this family," Cassidy said hotly and Coral cackled again.
"So you're in?"
She rang Kinsey, barely getting through the first sentence before Kinsey interrupted.
"I'm in. I'm quitting my job right now and I'm in."