33. Fear

33

Fear

Violet

Kole's heartbeat is steady.

It strums against his ribs with the rise and fall of his chest, and I lie with my eyes closed, lost in the rhythm of it. An even pace rocks my mind back and forth as my body settles.

A push and pull from how roughly he fucks me.

The calm after the hurricane.

Kole rakes his fingers through my dark hair until he pauses on the scar hidden on the back of my head. His fingers graze over it.

Back and forth.

He traces it like now that he knows it exists, he needs to memorize it the same way he does every part of me.

"You're still awake," he says, dropping his hand to my bare back and running it up and down my spine .

"I am."

"Can't sleep?"

"Not that." I sigh. "I'm just relaxing."

He hums. The vibration of it rumbles where my head is resting on his bare chest. And it's a calming sound that settles my nerves.

"Tell me a story." I brush my palm over the ridges of his stomach.

Holding him is like trying to wrap my arms around a chasm that stretches to the ends of the earth. I want to wander in his darkness until I've seen every inch, but every time I turn a corner, I enter a new maze. More to discover than I have hours in a day.

The sheet's pulled down to Kole's waist, and as he rubs his hand up my side, he teases the line where it rests over my own. These quiet moments with him feel so peaceful. I don't know what to make of them.

"What kind of story do you want to hear?"

I twist so I'm cradled against him, with my head resting in the nook of his arm.

When I said I wanted a story, I expected him to shoot my request down, so now I have to decide what I'm actually asking for.

Kole stays facing the dark ceiling, even as his hands don't leave my skin. The glow of the moon sharpens the ridges on his strong jawline, and I'd like to take a walk through his mind to read what he's thinking.

Reaching up, I trace my finger over the scar that cuts along his cheekbone. "Tell me about this. "

Finally, Kole angles his face to look down at me. For a moment, I keep my fingers on his cheek, holding his scar like I can help him carry the burden of it, if even just for this moment.

Kole reaches up to take my wrist, pulling my hand down between us.

"Does your scar have anything to do with why you said you and Declan shouldn't have gotten past the second trial?"

I assume anything bad enough to keep them out of Sigma House must be pretty terrible, given the things they condone between those walls. And it's clear the scar on Kole's face tells a story.

Kole rolls to his side, facing me, cupping my cheek with one of his hands. "Yes and no."

"Will you tell me?"

His dark gaze holds mine for a moment. Hesitation churns in his eyes.

While he's managed to carve straight to my core, I'm still on his surface, fighting for every little glimpse he'll give.

Kole watches me, and when it's not an immediate no, I'm hopeful that I'll get one more hint of a man I can barely wrap my head around.

His fingers play in my hair. "It's a long story."

"I have time." I press my naked body flush with his, knowing I'm using it against him but unable to help it.

I love how he skates his arm around my waist to pull me tighter. How he holds me like I can never be close enough. How our bodies might as well be a singular heart beating in this room, and I don't think one could survive without the other anymore.

"Please," I whisper, tracing his jaw with my fingers, watching the cold wall in his gaze crumble away.

"Okay." Kole sighs, brushing my hair from my eyes.

I wait while he collects his thoughts. Or maybe he's buried certain memories so deep he has to dig them out. Because there's a moment of silence before he finally breaks it.

"My father was Sigma Sin," Kole says, his expression blank and emotionless. "And his father. And his father… You get the idea."

I do.

That's how fraternities like Sigma House function. Most of the members are legacies who go on to run towns like Bristal. They're an institution, advancing the next generation and slowly spreading their influence like a plague.

It's one of the reasons I never trusted the members of Sigma House. There are always deals being made behind closed doors. Which makes me wonder how Kole is a part of this. He doesn't strike me as someone who cares about the kind of power men from Sigma House usually aim for.

"Well, my dad was an abusive fucker. Beat the shit out of my mom weekly. Sometimes, it would spill over to me, but most of the time, he'd focus his attention on her. And it wasn't just smacking her around. He'd pull out his belts and cords; one time, it was a bat. I managed to get between them that night, and it hurt like fucking hell. "

"That's terrible." Tears sting my eyes as I consider the violence Kole must have been subjected to at such a young age.

"Wasn't fun." He clenches his jaw. "But I wasn't often caught in the middle. I was my father's legacy, and if anything was more important than his money, it was that. He couldn't risk destroying it."

Kole doesn't blink. He doesn't show an ounce of hesitation or pain as he tells me his story.

"When I was eleven, he put her in the hospital. It wasn't the first time she'd been there, but it was the first time she almost didn't make it out. When the cops asked, he lied and said someone broke into the house and robbed us. Some bullshit story so it wouldn't fall back on him."

"They didn't see through it?"

"If they did, they didn't care." Kole circles his fingers over the sensitive skin on my lower back. "Sigma House protects their own. If anyone suspected anything, they weren't going to say shit."

Kole's gaze drifts past me now, even as he still maintains the same stoic expression.

"My dad was a hypocrite, always preaching control but never actually having it. That night, I stayed over at Declan's house, and I told him what was going on. He said we should teach my dad a lesson. Dec's always been a bit of a sadist."

Kole says it so calmly. Like it's a simple fact. Insignificant. Like sadism is Declan's favorite color.

"The next night, while Mom was still in the hospital, my dad and I got into it. Shit escalated, and I walked away. He didn't. I put him down like a fucking animal. Like he always threatened to do to us." Kole's jaw clenches now, just barely. "Declan helped me bury the evidence."

"And no one ever found out the truth?"

"I think my grandfather always suspected something. But without proof, he wouldn't draw their attention to me. I was young. The son carrying on the Christiansen name. I was my father's legacy. They blamed it on some local junkies and let it go. So that's how it stayed. I didn't say shit, and neither did Declan. If we had, neither of us would have been able to get into Sigma House."

"You were protecting your mother." I plant my hand on Kole's chest, and his heart is beating so steadily, nothing like mine. "Wouldn't they understand if you explained it to them?"

"Reasons don't matter when it comes to initiation. In Sigma House, it's brotherhood above all. I killed my dad because he fucking deserved it, not to protect Sigma House values. He was a council member. Respected. What I did was selfish, and a good enough reason to be blacklisted from the fraternity."

"You were eleven." Which, the more I sit with that thought, makes it even more disturbing.

"Age isn't important. We're born into this. Besides, it doesn't matter now. Declan kept my secret, and I've kept his. And they'll never get the truth out of either of us."

I'm not sure what secrets Kole is keeping for Declan if this is what Declan hides for him, but I also know this isn't the time to ask .

Reaching up, I brush my fingers over the scar once more. "What did any of that have to do with the scar? Is it from when he hit you with the bat?"

Kole's dark gaze snaps to mine, and a chill runs the full length of my body. A shiver that has the hair on the back of my neck on its ends and my toes tingling.

"No." Kole's fingers pause where they're brushing my back. "The scar is the second half of the story."

He closes his eyes, breathing through his nose.

"The problem with cutting off the head of a snake is that it always grows another. I underestimated my mom's dependence on men. I didn't save her. I didn't do shit. She moved on with his best friend, and he taught me worse men than my father exist."

Captain Evans .

"My stepdad wasn't as regularly abusive as my dad because he was a cop and couldn't risk it. But also because he knows there are more effective ways to torture someone than to just hurt them outright." Kole brushes the tips of his fingers over his cheek. "He sat me down and made me watch myself in the mirror when he carved this."

My eyes widen. "Why would he do that?"

"Because he's smart. Or sick. Or Sigma Sin. It's all the same." Kole's fingers pause on the rough line of his scar. "Bruises heal. Cuts can be sewn up. But fear… if you really want to control a person, you just have to show them how far you're willing to go if they resist. I was angry at my mom for putting us in the same fucking situation when I'd just gotten us out of it, and my stepdad didn't appreciate my opinions. He sat me down and reminded me of my place and hers. He thought I'd never forget it if it was staring me in the face every time I looked in the mirror."

"I'm so sorry." A tear trickles down my cheek.

"It's fine," Kole says, even when the things his stepdad did to him are nowhere close to being okay. "Fear was a game to him, and I was good at playing it."

I swallow hard as I stare into Kole's eyes, searching for pain, and finding mild amusement instead. He grew up in a family where fear was a weapon. And control was the prize, which explains more about our relationship than I'd like.

"You say it like it isn't a big deal that he did this to you." I retrace his scar.

"It isn't." Kole grabs my wrist and tips his forehead to mine. "I told you, Violet, I only have one weakness: you. They can carve me up all they like, and it won't mean shit. You're the only one who can actually hurt me."

My heart is heavy in my chest. My mind is filled with his words. My body is bursting with his obsession, and I can't help but open myself up to take in more of it.

Kole pulls me in for a kiss, his tongue reaching for me like I'm his anchor. And I turn myself into iron for him. I plant my roots and become the earth that cradles his broken pieces when everyone in his life has torn him apart.

When he pulls back, our bodies are pressed tight, and his hand cups my face.

"What will your stepfather do if he finds out you killed Liam? "

He's the police captain, and worse, now I know what terrible things he's capable of when he's not in uniform.

"If I can prove he's a traitor, nothing will happen. He values Sigma House above all, and I'd be a hero for protecting the name of Sigma Sin."

"And if you can't?"

"There's no getting out after the first four trials, Violet. If they find out I killed Liam for my own personal interest, they won't lock me up."

"They'll kill you?"

He doesn't answer, and he doesn't need to. We both know how this ends if they find out what Kole did. And as much as I wanted that when it first happened, I understand so much more now. Kole wasn't the only monster on the side of the road that night. He just so happens to be the one who walked away.

"What about you?" Kole asks, shifting the conversation. "You're always talking to your mom. But what about your dad?"

"I never had a dad." I shrug. "It was just me and my mom growing up."

"Do you know who he is?"

I shake my head. "According to my mom, he was just some rich guy rolling through town. And when she tried to tell him I existed, she found out he had a wife and kids. He tried to buy her silence, but she didn't want his money."

Kole's eyebrows pinch. "Have you tried to contact him? "

"No." I bite the inside of my cheek. "And I don't plan to. He isn't my father, no matter what my blood says. I don't need to know who he is, and I don't want him in my life."

Even if my history is cut from a different fabric than Kole's, I think he understands as he leans in to kiss me again. Our stories are different, but we both walked into this with holes in our lives and a fear that we're inevitably alone.

Kole rolls me onto my back and settles between my legs. And as he drives in, he fills me up in every way.

He's sick.

Psychotic.

The killer he was bred to become.

And I'm falling in love with him.