31. Hold Me Under

31

Hold Me Under

Violet

Water.

All around me is water. My lungs burn, desperate for air when they can't find it. My feet scrape dirt, and I manage to dig my toes in just enough to push off the bottom of the lake. Just enough to send me to the surface.

The second my head bobs free, I gulp for the air I crave. I flail around and try to float, but flowers on the surface splash into my mouth and try to choke me.

"Careful, kitten. You don't want to join him."

Saint's voice would be a relief if I didn't already know why he's here.

"Join who?"

But Saint doesn't answer, chuckling instead. He releases a breath of amusement that vibrates through the air .

Saint leans forward, and time blinks. We're no longer in the center of the lake—we're at the shore, where the water is splashing around my waist. And he watches me through neon blue Xs.

"Again." Saint tips me back and pushes me under the water once more.

His fingernails dig into my scalp as I flail and fight him. My nails claw at his wrists, and I'm kicking him in the shins. But there's no use. The water takes any strength I have. A weight settles over me as my lungs burn, and the pressure behind my eyes makes them feel on the verge of exploding.

He wins each time.

Deprives me of air—of myself.

But right when I think he'll let me fail, he grabs my shoulders and pulls me up. He drags me to the shore and lays me in the dirt under him.

I blink water out of my eyes. I'm like a stone thrown in the ocean...

Skipping.

Skipping.

But I can't skip forever. At some point, I'll go down.

"Violet." My name is a whisper from his lips, and it echoes through the entire forest.

One word and my name might as well be a part of this test. This game we haven't stopped playing, and he's yet to explain to me how it ends.

He presses over me, shoving my dress up to my hips as I dig my heels into the dirt. The weight of his body spreads my knees wider .

Or maybe it's a reaction to the electrical current that runs between us. Humming through my wet skin and making me desperate for him.

I need the pulse only he elicits. The one that stops my heart and gets it going again. His fingers shove my panties aside, and he thrusts so deep it hurts.

So fast, I'm at a loss for breath.

For words.

I tip my head back, and he takes me like I need him to. He pulls me from the lake and replaces the water in my lungs with air, and then the air with him .

He fucks me, and I watch the ripples of water on an upside-down lake.

He fucks me, and I watch the winter-blue flowers float across it.

He fucks me, and I stare into the empty sockets of the skull sitting on the shore.

He pulls me under.

My phone pings, and my eyes fly open. The back of my neck is drenched in sweat as I blink myself awake. Gripping my sheet, I try to distinguish shadows from dreams. Life from death. Wrong from right.

Every day, the nightmares get sicker. Or maybe they're dreams at this point. I'm not sure there's a difference when every single one of them ends the same, with Saint taking what he thinks he's earned from me.

What I clearly want him to have.

Because after I lied for him in the interrogation in his stepfather's office, there's no denying I've handed myself over to him. Morals be damned, he taints my soul. He bleeds me dry and makes me his.

My phone pings again, reminding me of what woke me up. The dim shine from my screen lights a cool glow in the room from where it's sitting on my nightstand.

Rolling over, I pick it up to find his name staring back at me.

Saint : What were you dreaming about, kitten? Looked like something good.

Of course he's watching. I don't know if there's ever a time he isn't.

I roll onto my back and rest my phone on my chest, fighting to catch my breath as I stare into the abyss of darkness above me. Taking another breath, I open my phone to answer him.

Violet : How often do you watch me sleep?

Saint : Often.

Violet : Not even going to try to deny it?

Saint : No. It's my right to check on you.

His right?

I'm still wrapping my head around Kole's inability to understand certain boundaries. He doesn't operate with socially acceptable limits.

I suppose that's why he created Saint. An outlet for when his urges take him too far, given he doesn't know how to regulate them.

I'm rationalizing his actions again.

What's wrong with me?

Violet : I appreciate the thought, but I'm fine.

Saint : Then back to the dream. What was it ?

I let out a breath, knowing he's still watching me, and anything I do will give me away.

Staring at my screen, I consider answering, but my thumbs hover. Saying it aloud isn't the same as letting these twisted fantasies live in my head.

Saint : Violet, I'm waiting.

Violet : It was just a dream.

Saint : Just a dream? So if I buried my tongue in your pussy right now, I wouldn't find you dripping?

He would, and that's what's disturbing since I was just dreaming about him trying to drown me before he fucked me in the forest.

My eyes return to the dark corners of the ceiling, and I stare into the empty space like I can see him there. His dark eyes peering through the holes in his mask. Hiding in plain sight.

I'm not prepared to tell him just how dark my fantasies go, so I decide to distract him instead.

Violet : I don't know, would you?

Slowly, I peel my sheet down, revealing my body inch by inch for him, until I'm stretched out on the surface of my bed in just a T-shirt and underwear.

I don't know what angle he's watching me from, but I lift one knee up and tip it open, running a hand over my thigh as I do.

Saint : Playing without me, kitten?

I shouldn't be playing at all, given the disturbing dream still settling in my thoughts. But as I slide my fingers over my core, my underwear is drenched with excitement .

I start to pull my hand up to type again, but a message comes through as I do.

Saint : Don't stop now. Let me see what I do to you.

It's like he can read my mind.

My dreams.

My nightmares.

He's inside my head, my bones, and my skin. A connection unlike anything.

Pulling my underwear aside, I bare my pussy for him, and even if I don't know where the cameras are in my room, I sense he can see it.

Saint : Put those fingers in your beautiful pussy, kitten. I want to see you play.

I bite my lower lip and dip a finger inside myself. And as much as I wish it was him and he was here, there's something about the knowledge that he's watching that's even better.

Saint : Another.

Chewing the inside of my cheek, I push a second finger in, and my body stretches around it. I drive them in, grinding the heel of my hand over my clit with the movement.

Saint : Another.

My eyes widen at his command. It's one thing when he fucks me, and he forces me to take it. With his guidance, I'm able to adjust slowly as his cock stretches me open. But it's another thing when I'm alone here in my room, doing it to myself.

Saint : I want all those fingers in your pussy, Violet. Let me see you hurt for me .

My breath is racing as I read the message again and again before setting my phone down on the bed.

With one hand, I grip my sheet, and with my other, I pull out to shove three fingers in. I'm really stretching now, and even if Saint is larger, it's not the same. He's in control in those scenarios, and I trust him to set the rhythm.

Pulling out, I wrangle my four fingers together and drive them in. It hurts for a moment as I stretch around them, like how it stings when Saint starts to fuck me. My entire core aches, turning slowly from pain to pleasure, back and forth again.

My phone is silent as I glide my fingers in and out, slowly easing around them. And I close my eyes, imagining it's him. I consider what Saint might be doing right now, thinking the same.

I wonder if he's stroking himself to thoughts like the ones that brought me to this ledge. Sick, twisted things that only he makes me feel safe enough to explore.

I drag my fingers out, and my core clenches. So I reach up to one nipple and pinch it.

Saint would pinch harder. He'd bite me, scar me, mark me. He'd paint me in blood and cum. And he's conditioning me to need that. The pain from his rage and the heat from his fire. I can't get off without it because he makes me feel safe in my darkness.

Tipping my head back, my teeth sink into the inside of my cheek, and I taste the blood that coats my tongue when they cut through.

I bite harder, needing more .

Needing him.

"Very good, kitten."

My eyes fly open to the sound of Saint's voice in my room, and I find him standing over my bed, wearing his black ski mask.

Pulling my hand out, I try to sit upright, but he climbs on top of me and pins me down before I get the chance.

"Don't get shy now." He lifts the hand that was inside me and peels his ski mask back so he can suck on my fingers.

And once he licks them clean, he dives down to my mouth. Shoving his tongue in and taking me with both hands pinned over my head.

I know the moment he tastes my blood on my tongue because he groans, and his erection grinds against my core.

Pulling back, he looks down at me through the holes in his ski mask. He licks his lips, and I spot a tinge of blood.

"How long have you been here?"

"Does it matter?" He tilts his head to the side, gripping both my wrists in one hand. "Were you dreaming about me, Violet?"

He drags his free hand down my chest and grabs my nipple, tugging so hard I scream. And then doing it again, harder.

"Were you imagining all the things you'd like me to do to you?"

His hand reaches between our bodies, down between my legs. And without warning, he shoves all four of his fingers in .

It burns so much more than when I did it, and an evil grin stretches his face at my pain.

"What's wrong? Already going to beg me to stop?"

I shake my head, swallowing hard and trying to find my confidence—my strength. "No."

My entire body shivers as he fucks me with his fingers. He pulses in and out, and the pain subsides. And then it's just him and me and the pleasure he brings me as I tip over the ledge with my screams. His fingers deep as I convulse around them.

"No?" He drives his fingers deeper, and I lose my breath.

"No," I repeat, tipping my chin up and facing off with him. "I don't want you to stop."

"Then what do you want, Violet?" He runs his nose along my cheek.

"I want you to fuck me."

I want you to hold me under.