Chapter 45

Ryker

It's three in the morning. After tucking Tara in bed, I held her for a while and whispered a million things to her while she lightly snored against me. I didn't touch her, except to kiss her forehead before I left. I'm too wired to sleep. There's a tornado of things swirling in my mind.

Knocking on Dmitri's dungeon door, I wait for him to say, "Come in."

His room smells like a light musk, leather, and something unmistakably Dmitri. He's over by a punching bag, swinging his fists which are already bloody. "What's up?"

"I need to go out for a bit. Can you watch over her for me until I get back?"

He punches the bag one more time, then gives me a hard frown. "Yeah. No problem." The bag swings like a hefty pendulum and D stops it before it hits him. "What's going on?"

Too much. "I just need to clear my head."

D's brow digs down, making him look scarier than usual. "Need help with something?"

What a loaded question. "No." My ass drops onto the cot he sleeps on. I'll never understand why D likes to live this way. He's got plenty of money yet lives like he's still the poor kid from Paxton Street. "I saw your flowers on her grave. I didn't know you still went there."

The only emotion he shows is a flinch of his bottom lip. "Yeah, well, I miss her too, you know. You're not the only one who lost a mom that day."

Sometimes I forget how her death affected more than just me. We all dealt with her loss differently. I'd shoved my grief in a hole and kept it buried for so long, I barely recognize it now that it's resurfaced. It doesn't bite and slice anymore. There's just a small pinch that comes and goes. Like a butterfly with razors on her feet, landing on my heart to let me know that the shriveled organ can still feel things. Then she flies off again.

What does it feel like for Dmitri?

Vault and Knox?

Natalie?

"She loved you." My elbows dig into my knees as I lean forward and stare up at him. "She loved all of us. No matter what." We could never do wrong in my mom's eyes. She'd excuse our bad behavior even after she scolded us for it.

D leans against the concrete wall and crosses his arms. Sweat drips down his bare chest, and even in the low light, I can see all his scars. He's been through Hell and there's no telling when he'll crawl out. "Remember when we thought it was a good idea to set fireworks off the rooftop?"

I'll never forget it. Knox almost blew his damn hand off, trying to fuck with one that fell over after he lit it. Vault tackled him backwards just before the thing blew up. We accidentally melted a big hole in the rubber roofing pads and the rocket shot off in the wrong direction, crashing into the side of the brick building across the street. The cops were called. We all hid in my apartment and pretended we were innocent. My mom totally lied for us and said we'd been playing video games all night under her supervision.

I didn't even own a gaming console…

"Have a good night, officer." Mom shuts and locks the door, then spins on us with a mix of anger, fear, and adrenaline. "Don't you ever do that again!"

"Yes, ma'am." Vault holds a papertowel to his hand because he'd cut it shoving Knox out of the way of the rogue firework. "We're sorry."

"Ohhh, you boys are going to be the death of me." Mom marches over with her hands on her hips, glowering at us. Her stern expression melts almost instantly, and she ruffles my hair. "I'm just glad no one was seriously hurt. What would I do without my boys?" She grabs a first aid kit out of the bathroom and helps Vault with his hand while the rest of us devour a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches. "They were really pretty, though."

Vault's eyes light up because we've all been forgiven. "Did you see the swirly gold one?"

"Yeah, that was amazing." My mom beams him a huge smile. Then her brow bunches up. "Not sure how I feel about you four being pyrotechnicians though."

"I'm not a fan," Knox shivers. "I nearly blew my balls off."

We all start laughing, my mom included, and then she doubles over and winces.

Shit. "You okay, Mom?"

"I'm fine." She holds her hand up to stop me from coming over. "I think I ate something that's upset my stomach."

I don't like how often she says those words. And my mom hasn't eaten anything all day that I know of. "How about you go to bed. We'll be quiet for you."

"Don't you dare." She starts coughing, which also makes her hold her stomach. "Boys are supposed to be loud. I want my home filled with noise. I'll be fine. I'm just going to lie down for a bit."

"Want us to save you a grilled cheese for later, Miss Ashley?" Knox takes a big bite out of his third one.

"No, baby. You guys eat those up." She says goodnight and heads into her room, shutting the door softly…

A week later she was diagnosed with cancer.

"You know," I say, half grinning. "We're still pretty loud." The club music blasting from upstairs proves it.

What would my mother say if she knew what kind of man I've turned into?

"She'd be proud of you, Ry." Dmitri pushes off the wall and swaggers across the room to snag a water from his mini fridge. "I'm proud of you."

I gotta go. I can't do this yet. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. "I'll be back in a couple hours."

"K."

My molars hurt from how hard I grind them. After grabbing bolt cutters from the basement storage room, I set out for the night. Sometimes when I go for a ride on my bike, my intrusive, suicidal thoughts scream loudly. Tonight, they don't say a word.

The streets turn into a maze for me to snake through, a path that leads me to a finish line I could find in my sleep.

Greene Street is quiet this time of night. It's dark and eerie. The streetlamps illuminate graffiti painted on the side of my old apartment building, and the alley is filled with trash and broken furniture. Pulling out my bolt cutters, I break the lock on the door and kick it open.

Mildew and stale air invade my nose. My boot steps echo up the stairwell. Stumbling out onto the roof, cool air smacks my face. There's a dead pigeon, some broken beer bottles, and yup, it's still here. The melted spot from the fireworks all those years ago.

Jesus, they never did anything to improve this place. It's a shithole now, just like it was a shithole then.

But it was home.

My best and worst memories were built in this brick biohazard building.

Heart pounding, palms sweating, I stalk over to the edge and look down. Wind blows around me, swirling like my thoughts. A car zooms below, blasting music. The traffic lights keep changing even though there's no one around to follow them.

Life, even in the darkest hour, keeps going.

Taking a deep breath, my chest balloons out with a roar I unleash into the night. I scream until there's nothing left in my lungs. Nothing left in me. No fight. No anger. No remorse.

No shame.

All my life, I did the best I could for myself, for my mom, and for my friends. No, it wasn't ideal, but I've made it this far. I need to keep going.

Tara's beautiful face fills my mind. What she did for herself today bolsters my need to do what I've been too scared of for so long. She knows her worth. She might have been afraid to stand up for herself, but she fucking did it, anyway. She's grabbing life by the balls and will have it kneeling at her feet. Whatever she does from here on out, it'll be great.

I can't wait to watch her spread her wings and fly.

Teetering on the ledge, I close my eyes and let the city smog, iridescent lights, and darkness sink into me.

I escorted because I had to.

I run a sex club now because I want to.

There's a difference. Yes, I had a choice in both, but it didn't feel that way when I was younger. Now I have power. Money. Friends who are my family. I've got a good thing going with Tara, too. I've found a woman who balances me out, plays with my demons and lets me play with hers.

Maybe my life was supposed to have all the bad shit happen in the beginning, so the rest of my days would be amazing and good.

Would my mother be proud of the man I've become? I hope so. I'm happy. That's all she ever wanted for me. I'm happy, successful, and safe. I've embraced the dark parts of me and built a world to live in that I love.

I truly love the Monarch. I love the life I have with my found family. I love that I'm able to give others a safe space to explore themselves. I love that I can provide and protect.

But it isn't enough.

"This is it." I squat down and perch on the ledge, rocking on my heels. If I was a little less stable, I'd fall.

Saliva builds on my tongue.

Tipping my head back, I shoot a load of spit out of my mouth and watch it disappear in the air before it hits the ground.

"Enough."

My thighs burn when I climb down.

"I'm done."

With every step I take away from the ledge, more and more weight lifts off me. I don't even notice the smell of the building when I take the steps all the way to the floor of my old apartment. Halting at the windowsill with the words still etched in the wood, my heart cracks open.

You're worth more than this.

Yeah, I am. Back then, I thought I was only worth what someone would pay for me. I built a life based on that. Now, I know I'm worth more than staying stunted in my anger over a past I cannot change. I'm worth finding happiness. Love. Acceptance.

I'm worth giving myself some motherfucking grace.

It's time to build the life I deserve.

Pulling my cell out, my deft fingers fly across the screen. Knox picks up on the fourth ring, his sleepy voice gravelly. "What the fuck man, you okay?"

"I'll give you the money." My heart thuds heavily in my chest. "However much you need to get your club up and running, it's yours. I'll fund it all."

Muffled shuffling noises fill my ear. I guess Knox is climbing out of bed. "Did you lose Greene Street?"

"No." I laugh, realizing how easy and right this choice is. "I don't want it anymore."

"Ry…"

"I've got a little over a million I can give. If you need more, I'll figure something out and make it happen."

"Holy shit, Ryker." Now he's fully awake. "I… I can't let you do this. I'll fuck it up."

"No, you won't. You love that club, man. You've put your heart into it." Why's he backpedaling?

"Pop's will fuck it up for me. I know it." Knox's voice is low and shaky. "I appreciate the offer, Ry, but I can't take it. It'll be for nothing."

"I'll have my lawyers draw up a contract. We'll buy it from your father." That way, Knox will never have to put up with that bastard's bullshit again. "He'll sell it to us."

"I'm not sure he will. What if Brisbane Realty has offered more?"

"I'll take care of it." Or rather, me, Vault, and Dmitri will for him.

"Jesus." Knox sighs on the other end. "You sure you want to invest in me like this?"

"Motherfucker, don't ask me dumb questions like that." Besides, I've already given up startup money to get him this far. Me and D split it. "You deserve that club, brother. It's your baby."

Just like the Monarch is mine.

"We've got your back, Knox. The money is yours. And once we're done talking with your pops, that fucking club will be too."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"Say you're happy." I shove off the steps and leave the building.

"I'm… fuck… yeah. If this really happens, I'll be the happiest sonofabitch on this side of the bridge."

"Good. I'll call you after I have the paperwork drawn up. Get some sleep, bro. You're gonna need it." I hang up on him.

There's a pep in my step when I straddle my bike. The brick structure that's haunted me for over a decade doesn't look so ominous and powerful anymore.

My cell rings again and the dopey smile I get makes my voice draw out in a playful, "Hey, Butterfly."

"Where are you?"

"Just went for a ride."

"Are you okay?"

God love her. "I'm way better than okay, baby. I'm heading home now."

"You know where to find me when you get here."

Fuck right I do. "Be naked for me."

"Already am, Mr. Hudson."

I blow every red light to get home where I belong.