Chapter 34

Tara

We pull up to a brownstone that must be worth a mint. I'm so proud of Ryker for all of his accomplishments. Talk about making the most of a shit situation.

Still, my heart aches for him. My rags to riches story is a fairytale cartoon compared to his horror story. It makes me want to hunt down every person who's ever hurt him and beat them with a steel pipe.

It also makes me wary.

Ryker's different again. Each time he has some kind of breakdown, he changes and I'm fearful of what it means. Look, I'm not delusional enough to think my pussy is so powerful it can fix a damaged man. But I do think having someone who can not only take your savagery, but also your sweetness, isn't a bad thing.

Stepping into Ryker's home, I look around in shock. "Wow."

He shuts the door behind me. "Wow, good or wow, bad?"

My gaze sails around the living room that's decked out with comfy sofas, a beautiful fireplace with a TV mounted above the mantel, and shiny wood floors. Windows line the far wall, letting in so much light, I squint as we make our way to the kitchen.

"Are you thirsty? Hungry?"

Answers catch on my tongue as I pass a cluster of framed photos. "Is that Dmitri?"

Ryker looks at the black-and-white photo I'm referring to. "Yeah. We were about thirteen there."

Dmitri's laughing by a set of concrete steps. His pitch-black hair reaches past his shoulders, and he has a skateboard tucked under his arm. Ryker's sitting on a railing, his head ducked a little as he looks up at the camera with a playful smile.

"And that's Vault and Knox," he says, pointing at another picture. This one's in color. The two of them are sitting on a couch that's definitely seen better days. Vault's chunkier than he is now, but there's no mistaking his smile. It's joker-sized and something I've always found attractive. Knox is so skinny he looks like he has an eating disorder. They're both flipping the camera off.

"Who's this?" I point at another black-and-white photo of a big guy with warm eyes. Ryker's arm is around him and they're clanking two beers together.

"That's me and my friend Carson. We helped a friend of ours launch a new kink app and went out to celebrate afterwards. D took the picture."

"Which app?"

"K!nklink." Ryker sees my expression and laughs. "You're a member, aren't you?"

"Uhhhh yeah. That's, wow. This is a little awkward. And ironic."

He cocks his brow. "How so?"

"I signed up last year but chickened out every time someone sent me a winky thing. I heard it was the best app to find a Dom with, but I'm not good at shopping online. I'm more of an in person, touch and try out before I commit kind of girl."

Ryker's smile goes from casual to predatory. "Oh yeah?" He wraps his arms around my waist and brings me in.

"Mmm hmm."

"How many Doms have you had, Tara?" He playfully rocks me back and forth.

"None." His expression says he doesn't believe me. "Well, none who were real Doms. I tried to find some in college, but that was a complete disaster."

"And dangerous," he chides. "Lots of idiots think barking commands while cracking a whip makes them a Dom. There's a lot of psychology and care that goes into this lifestyle too."

"Good thing I found the Monarch and you, then."

He must have thought I was joking before about the Doms in my life, because his body language shifts. The cocky smirk drops from his face. "Wait. I'm really your first?" His expression morphs from suspicious to dread. "Jesus fucking Christ, I'm your first?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I am a bad thing," he snaps back.

"Not to me you're not." He's perfect, amazing, what I've been dreaming of. "You're just want I need."

His gaze roams over my face. Without saying a word, he runs his thumb along my bottom lip, dragging it down to show my teeth. "I'm not what you need."

"Don't speak for me, Ryker."

We just went from casual, to playful, to cautious, to this. God, why can't we ever be consistent?

He tips his head back and looks down his nose at me. "I'm your first."

It's like that fact won't penetrate his thick skull. Leaning into me, Ryker's mouth hovers over mine and he licks the seam of my mouth, sending heat to my pussy. Maybe we work best teetering between cheerful and angry. My body sure loves it.

I really should seek professional help.

"Am I a bastard to be both happy and sickened that I'm your first real Dom?"

"No."

"Wrong answer, Tara." He presses his forehead to mine. "Tell me it's terrible that I feel this way. Tell me it's despicable that I love how only me has had you submit to them so beautifully. Tell me I'm a twisted bastard for the way it makes me feel territorial and protective of you."

Words catch in my throat, along with my breath. I'm not saying shit.

"Say it," he growls. "Say I'm a bastard for the things I want to do to you, especially knowing you've never been dominated by someone like me before." His lips brush mine. The intensity between us is so thick, I can't think straight. "Say it, Tara. Say I'm a bastard. A monster. A depraved animal for the way my dick is rock-hard, knowing I'm the only one you trust enough with your desires."

A weak exhale blows out of me. "You don't even know what my desires are."

"Tell me."

I turn the tables. "What do you want to do to me, Mr. Hudson?"

He growls and just when I think he's going to kiss me, he moves and nips my earlobe instead. "Careful, Butterfly. You're in my territory now."

That doesn't scare me. It makes me melt like butter. "Tell me what you want to do to me."

Why won't he say it?

Fine. I'll approach this another way.

"Do you enjoy knowing I've only taken orders from you, Mr. Hudson?" My back's against the wall. His arms bracket me, caging me in. "Does it please you, Sir, to know that I stayed on my knees like a good girl that first night for you? That I waited on the floor, just like you told me to, all night long?"

"Fuck." An exhale rattles out of him. "Yes, Butterfly."

I love how he reacts to me. There's no denying how much I turn him on and it's thrilling, addictive, and fun as hell. I'd be anything in the world for this man—a powerhouse, a puppy, a princess, or a whore. "I got myself off in front of the camera that night, hoping you were watching."

The possessiveness in his tone sounds dangerous and makes my pussy wet. "I didn't get to see it."

"Pity." My heart's racing a mile a minute. This is so much fun. "I put on quite a show for you. Maybe Dmitri saw it instead. Or Vault." Because we both know someone had to keep their eyes on me that night.

Ryker grinds his teeth. "Fuck, Tara, you're going to make me murder my best friends."

I think he's only half joking. "I'm sure they only watched to make sure I stayed safe."

He growls. "Feel safe now, Butterfly?"

When Ryker presses his forehead to mine again, I'm instantly drawn back to the moment when he did this in the hall after beating the shit out of Dmitri and then ripped me away from Vault, who said he was only trying to protect me.

Pieces click together and I realize how thin the line can be between intense and unhinged.

How precariously is Ryker teetering right now?

What will it take to shove him over the edge?

"Yes," I say, with complete confidence. "I feel safe with you, Sir."

"Good." His voice is deeper. "I'll eat a bullet before I ever hurt a woman. Especially you." Ryker nuzzles my neck, making my body overheat. "But if you beg nicely, Butterfly, I'll bring you pleasure that borders criminal acts of violence."

Ummmm. "I… I don't think I know what that means."

"Did you like how I fucked you at your house, Tara?"

"Yes." The way he was a mindless animal, railing me within an inch of my life? If that's his version of violence, sign me the hell up. "I loved that."

Threading his hand through my hair, he tucks some of it behind my ear and whispers, "That was me holding back."

Cue the flood in my panties. "What will it take, Mr. Hudson?" I press my palms against his chest and push back a little so I can see his face. "What will it take to get you to not hold back on me?"

Ryker stills. I hold my breath. I don't want him to reject me. I need to feel freedom. Taste victory. For so long I've been the good girl. I bend over backwards to please everyone around me, just to make myself worth liking. Worth keeping. But after today, I just want to be myself, instead of what I'm expected to be.

I want to be fucked apart and kissed back together.

"There's no one here to stop me if I go too far, Tara."

"I'm here to stop you." We don't need a security team. "I'll call Red if it's too much."

He shakes his head a fraction of an inch. Then swallows hard. "Tara, this could get dangerous. I'm not in my right mind when I fuck the way I like."

"You'll stop when I say Red."

"You trust me to do that?"

"I trust you to keep me safe and give me what I want. I wouldn't have chosen you if I didn't, Ryker." He steps back as if I've punched him in the gut. "Do you trust yourself?"

His mouth falls open, then closes. He swallows again. "Yes."

That didn't sound convincing. Cupping his face, I look him dead in the eye and gather all my courage. "As the Butterfly, I get what I want, right?"

"Depends." Ryker's pupils widen. "What is it you want?"

I want you. I want what I keep getting a taste of, and I don't want you to take it away and hide it from me again. "I want you to let go, Ryker."

"I can't." He steps back and hits the other wall. "I might hurt you."

"Then hurt me. Hurt me so good I'll never be able to fuck you out of my system. You like that you're my only Dom? Then mark me. Ruin me for every other man who touches me after you."

Rage conquers his terror, and he's suddenly back on me, pressing me against the wall. "Do not bring up other men touching you."

"Ruin me."

"You don't know what you're asking me to do."

"Ruin me."

"If you have any sense, Miss Reed, you will walk out of my fucking house and out of my life."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Stupid, stupid girl."

Tears blur my sight, but I don't budge. How can he be like this? So desperate for me one minute, and done with me the next? I hate it. "You're the most polarizing fool I've ever met, Ryker Hudson."

"That was your last chance, Miss Reed." He manipulates my steps as he presses his body to mine, forcing me to walk backwards out of the kitchen. "You should have taken it."

"I'd rather take you." We're in the hallway now, and I have no clue where he's guiding me.

A smart woman would put distance between herself and this animal. But I'm not smart when it comes to my desires. I'm just a missile seeking its target and my target, from day one of joining the Monarch, has been Ryker.

Our relationship is temporary and volatile. Addictive and unpredictable. Scorching hot and freezing cold.

What's wrong with me that I love this so much?

I think I'm the real toxic one here.

"You asked what it would take for me to let go and fuck you how I want." He draws up, using his height over me as a dominating tool. My back hits a door, but I don't cower. "Do you still want to know?"

"Yes." Ever since he brutally fucked me in my apartment, I knew he was the right one for me. And if I only have a limited time with him, wasting it being stupid and petty would be a crime. In two weeks, I'll walk out for good. Tonight, I'm staying.

Eyes darkening, he licks his lips and takes several steps back. "Crawl to me."

Humiliation and lust war inside me as I sink down onto his hardwood floor. Slightly humiliated, I crawl to him like a dog. My stomach drops even as my pussy clenches when I look up at him and await his next command.

"Such a good girl," he says, making me wet. "Now beg for my dick."