Chapter 33

Ryker

Tara hasn't said a word since we left the house. I think she's still processing whatever happened in that office. If I'd been just a minute quicker, maybe I could have stopped whatever went down in there from happening.

But when I headed for the office, I couldn't figure out which direction to go. I went into the first door I saw, only to land in a huge, pompous library. I was about to try door number two when Tara barreled out of it, looking like she wanted to set the house on fire, with her inside it. My decision to handle her family turned into a rescue mission to get my girl out of that house as fast as possible.

"I'm sorry." Tara sits in the passenger seat with her hands in her lap. "I didn't want to tell you he was my stepbrother the other day when you asked."

"I don't blame you. If he was my stepbrother, I wouldn't want to admit it either." Yielding onto the highway, I check my side mirror before crossing two lanes. "What happened in there, Tara?"

"I don't know," she says. "William's acting more assholey than usual."

"So, yelling and throwing things are standard household activities?"

"Yes. He didn't use to be that way, back when my mom and him first got married. But over the years, his temper's got way worse. Garret just feeds his fire."

She runs her hand up her arm, soothing herself.

"You're afraid of him."

"I'm afraid of what he can do. My mom's in that house with him."

I grip the steering wheel and choke it. "Will he hurt her?"

"No," she whispers. "I don't think so."

Thinkis not the same as know. "What did he say to you that has you ready to burn his house down?"

She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. "He told me to get the Greene Street building by any means necessary. As in use my body if I have to."

"Jesus fucking Christ." The highway turns red with my anger. My chest constricts every time I draw in a breath. Rage grips my throat, making it hard to swallow. "What kind of asshole says that shit?"

"He's acting stupid," she murmurs. "His need to have this stupid building makes zero sense for profitability. I've run all the numbers. Even if we have every piece of property around it, it's not worth more than a parking garage at best. I think he just wants it so Clyde-Smith can't have it."

"Competition doesn't make someone say shit like that to their daughter."

"Stepdaughter." Tara leans against the window. "I'm done. I fucking told him I quit. He can suck dick to get the deals he's so desperate for because I'll never do it. The Brisbane's can all kiss my ass. Including my mother."

I grip the steering wheel harder and stay quiet. I'm glad Tara knows her worth. I'm proud of her for standing up to those pricks and walking away. My respect for this woman grows by the day.

"I can't believe he wanted me to sell my body for a fucking building." Her eyes round and she sits forward. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"I get it." Tapping her leg, I smile to let her know I'm not offended. "I can't believe he'd ask you to do that either." Swallowing my pride, I shove down the fact that we both know I've sold my body for much less. "It's one thing to make the decision yourself. Quite another to have someone force it on you."

"Is that how it was for you?"

"Whoring?"

"Escorting," she corrects.

"I started that for other reasons. Continued it for different ones." Dread consumes my thoughts, and I glance over at her. "Has William ever asked you to do something like that before today?"

"No, but sometimes he would request me in certain clothes for meetings. I didn't like it, but nothing I wear in the office is very risqué. It's hard to be taken serious in board meetings as it is because I'm an outsider there, even if he's been my stepfather for more than half my life, so I keep my attire respectable and high end.

"If you had to seal a deal with the use of your body, would you?" It's not like I could stop her if she said yes. Tara's not mine. Not really. No matter how wonderful it might be to keep her.

"No. I don't think I could stomach it." She covers her face with her hands. "Oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry I just said that too."

"Don't be." I laugh a little to cover up my hurt. "I couldn't stomach it either."

"Then why did you do it?"

I take the first exit and don't speak for a moment. It's better to word this carefully. "I was sixteen when I started. By the time I was nineteen, it was all I knew. I'd dropped out of school. My mom was my only priority. When she died…" I sit at the red light and tip my head back. "Being an escort was all I knew. So, I continued and built my client base. Then I bought a rundown hotel and me, D, Knox, and Vault renovated it. It didn't last long because it wasn't good enough. I sold it, worked harder, and ended up with the Monarch where it is now."

The light turns green. I make a left.

"Know your worth in whatever career you choose, Tara. I charged a high price for the pleasure of my company. I made sure I was worth every fucking cent they paid, too. When I opened the Monarch, I became untouchable. The one thing no one, no matter how much money they offered, could get. That alone brought in big bucks. I went from expensive to priceless."

"Everyone wants what they can't have."

"Exactly." I pull into a cemetery. "And half the time, once they get it, they don't want it anymore."

Tara's laugh is bitter. "That's terrifyingly relatable."

"Isn't it, Butterfly?" I park the car. "Come on. I have someone I want you to meet."

With Tara by my side, I visit my mother's grave for the first time since putting her in the ground...

Pulling myself up the steps, I climb and eventually crawl up to my apartment. After getting hit by that car, my body's one big fucking bruise and the stitches on my chest keep pulling. At least it wasn't worse. I could have broken a bone. Stitches are way cheaper than x-rays and casts. Especially when Dmitri is the one doing the sewing.

Christ, what a day.

My cell was destroyed in the accident, and I'm praying my sim card still works. If I've lost all my contacts, I'll be royally screwed since ninety-nine percent of the people on my list are clients.

"Fuuuck," I groan, holding my ribs. It hurts to breathe. If Dmitri wasn't so used to getting his ass kicked in the cage, I'm not sure what I would have done. D thinks I've cracked a couple ribs.

Better than my skull, I guess.

Shoving my key in the lock, I twist and push things open. "I'm home."

Natalie walks out of my mom's bedroom. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. The tip of her pointy nose is red.

My stomach plummets. "Mom!" I hobble into her bedroom and fall to my knees. "No."

Natalie"s voice carries behind me. "I'm so sorry, Ry."

"No, no, no." The room starts spinning. "Mom, no!" I crawl across the floor like a rat to reach the side of her bed. "Call 9-1-1."

"Ryker, she's gone."

"CALL 9-1-1!" She's not gone. She's sleeping. My mother wouldn't dare die on me. Not after all this time. She's fought so hard. I've done everything I possibly could to keep her okay. "Call an ambulance!"

My cell. Where's my fucking cell. DAMNIT! It's fucked!

"Ryker, she's gone." Natalie pulls me away before I can start chest compressions. "She's gone, baby."

Baby. I'm not her baby. "This can't be happening right now. She can't die on me."

I'm not ready to let go.

"She already has."

No. I refuse to believe it. "When?"

"About two hours ago."

"Two…" I fall to my knees. Two hours ago, I was chasing my girlfriend across the street, begging for her to listen to my sorry ass excuses about why I'm a sex worker. "Two hours ago. Why didn't you fucking call me, Nat?"

"I did," she says as tears fall from her face, too. "You didn't answer."

Because my cell was crushed.

Oh my god. This can't be happening. Gripping the sides of my head, I scream until white dots burst in my vision.

"I'm sorry," she cries. "I'm so, so, so sorry, Ryker."

"Sorry for what? For making me a whore? For making my mother an addict to pain killers? For making me take clients so you can get a third of my payout?"

Natalie slaps me so hard, blood wells in my mouth.

"She's dead," I spit out like it's her fault my life's a wreck.

"It was a mercy," she says in a low, shaky tone.

Mercy? MERCY?

All the chaos in me stills as I latch onto that one word. Dread pulls me to my feet. "Natalie." My fists clench. "What the fuck do you mean it was a mercy?"

She looks over at my mother laying still in the bed. Then her eyes flutter as she meets my gaze. "I was just trying to help her, Ry."

My hands fly up to my mouth. I'm going to vomit.

"She was in so much pain. She was wasting away in here. This is a mercy for both of you." Natalie cries, stepping back from me and working her way out of the room. "I'm so sorry." She runs out of my apartment while I let her confession sink in.

One week later, I'm standing beside a dirt hole while my mother's casket is lowered into it. I didn't have a funeral service. The only ones at her burial are me, D, Knox, his pops, and Vault. Her tombstone is a beautiful dark grey with her favorite flowers etched into it. I did that so I never have to come back here and lay real ones on her grave.

Dmitri claps me on the back once the service is over. I have no clue how long I've stood here, but everyone except D is gone. It's sunny. Hot. I'm sweating in my suit. "What are you going to do now, Ry?"

"I don't know," I say numbly. "Natalie's gone."

She packed her shit and skipped town after admitting she killed my mom. Mercy my ass. It was murder and nothing else. I hate her. If I find her, I'm going to kill her with my bare fucking hands. I swore I'd never lay an angry hand on a woman, but Natalie will be my exception. She's a monster.

"You can come live with me."

I shake my head. I can't live with Dmitri. I want to run off a cliff and die.

"Will you live at the apartment still, then?"

Not a chance in hell. I'm not staying in that shithole another night. "No. I've got other arrangements."

"Want me to drive you home?"

"No." I want him to stop asking me questions and hovering over my ass like he's on suicide watch. "I'll call you later, okay?"

D nods and stuffs his hands in his pockets. But he doesn't leave my mother's graveside. I suspect he has things he wants to tell her. So do I, but I'll never say them now. She can't fucking hear me.

Pulling my cell out, I scroll down the list of contacts and rearrange my brain chemistry just enough to solidify my decision on what my next steps will be. I have no future here. I have no future anywhere. But I've built a network of hungry animals and since I'm what they like to eat…

I'll let them feast until they choke.

By the time I make it back to my apartment, I'm someone else. Someone colder. Someone with nothing left to lose. Using my key, I open Natalie's door and see her shit's still gone, and she's not there. Fucking cunt. Locking it back up, I climb another flight before I have to sit down. My chest hurts. My lungs don't seem to want to work.

Pulling out a switchblade I carry for protection, I flick it open and palm the handle. The urge to slit my wrists isn't strong anymore. Not like it was a week ago. Or a year ago. Or even three years ago. No, that was the old Ryker.

This new Ryker Hudson is in a nice suit, shiny shoes, and has nothing left to lose.

And everything to gain.

Palming my knife, I carve "You're worth more than this" into the windowsill that looks out at the park. It's the truth. I am worth more than what those fuckers have been paying. Just like my mother was worth more than what life gave her.

I'm worth everything.

Even if it's only me who pays the price.

I'll never find love. That much, I know. If Kenzie could throw me away so easily, it'll be the same for everyone else I meet. I don't blame them. I'm garbage.

And now I'm going to become a very expensive piece of meat.

Today is the first day of my new life and I'm getting this date inked onto my chest the first chance I get, so I'm always reminded of the moment Ryker the whore became Ryker the monster. Let everyone who wants a piece of me now choke to death on the first motherfucking bite they take…

"You built an empire."

Tara's voice brings me back to the present. "Yeah. I guess I did alright for myself."

"Alright? You've made millions, Ryker." Tara grabs my hand and squeezes it. "You should be proud."

"How much champagne did you have at brunch?" And how much did I actually say out loud while strolling down painful memory lane?

"You never found Natalie?"

"Nope. Natalie wasn't her real name. And the apartment wasn't her only residence. She told me both those things after I started working with her, so finding her was never a possibility once she ghosted."

"I'm glad you had friends with you."

We cut across the grass and I'm a little ashamed to admit I'm struggling to remember where my mother's grave is. That day she went in the ground is a blur for me. "Yeah, me too. They're amazing." And just as broken as me in some ways. "I think she's over here." I double back and go a different direction. "No. Wait."

"Stop." Tara grabs my shoulders and looks up at me. "It's okay if you can't find her."

Fuck. She knows. It makes me want to find my mother faster to prove I'm not a complete piece of shit. "I just need to figure my surroundings out."

"What's her name?"

"Ashley Hudson." I walk faster, feeling frantic as I snake through the graves. "She's got a dark tombstone with flowers carved all over it."

It's like we're on a fucking treasure hunt, only instead of finding jewels, I'll get a corpse.

I question my sanity and whether I came to the right cemetery when Tara hollers, "Over here!"

Sprinting to where she stands, I stare at the grave. It's like no time has passed. Someone's taken care of her stone and when I see the limp daisy looking flower laying in the grass, I know who it is.

"Dmitri used to always pick my mom weeds that had blooms on them." I can't believe he still does this. "I've been a horrible son."

"You've been a grieving son."

"I never came back."

"You're here now."

Why does she excuse my behavior? "I'm not sure why I'm back."

"Yes, you do." Tara bends down and runs her hand over the top of the tombstone. "Hi. I'm Tara. Your son has grown into a great man." She looks back at me and smiles. "And he's missed you very much, Ashley."

I want to throw myself off a fucking bridge.

"I'll leave you two alone for a minute." She keeps her head down and walks away, leaving me alone to face the consequences of my actions.

I have no clue why I brought Tara here. Maybe it was to introduce her to my reasons for everything. Maybe it was because I had no clue where else to go.

Maybe it's because I've missed my mother terribly and it was time.

Ever since Tara stepped into my world, it's been upside down. This is one more snowflake in my globe, whirling around me.

"I love you," I say, falling to my knees. Gripping the top of her stone, I fight too many emotions assaulting me at once. "I miss you so much." My throat tightens. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when I should have been." I say a dozen more things that seem to tumble out of my mouth in a jumble of pathetic words. My eyes burn. My chest feels like someone's stabbed it with a railway spike.

Hundreds of memories flood me. Some bad. Some good. Some beautiful and innocent and wonderful because they were before she got sick and deteriorated on me. My heart clenches because I miss the sound of her laugh. God, I'd give up everything I have just to hear her laugh one more time.

Or to taste her spaghetti again.

I hated it when I was a kid because I knew every time she made it, we'd be eating the leftovers for a week. The number of attempts I've made to recreate her sauce since she's been gone is countless.

"I think I've found someone," I whisper to her stone.

Look, I know my mom's not here. And I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven or Hell or even God because what the fuck kind of creator would have my mom suffer her whole damn life—surviving one tragedy to battle another and another? But it feels good to talk to her. I haven't done that. Ever.

"I have no idea how long it'll last, but she makes me do all the things you said would happen."

My mom once told me I'll know I've found my person when they simultaneously make me feel the chaos of every emotion under the sun while bringing me complete peace. I said the dosage of her meds was too high, and that she needed to cut them in half. She threw a pillow at me and said, "You'll see. If they don't make you a little crazy and a little calm at the same time, they're not it."

"Tara's it." Searching across the cemetery for her, I spot my girl leaning against a tree, looking away from me. Her flowery sundress blows in the breeze, and warmth fills my hollow chest.

I'm done sabotaging myself and our potential.

Marching across the graves with my sight trained on her, I know what I want and by God, I'm fucking taking it.

She must hear me trampling through the grass because she turns around with a smile.

I grab her face and smash my mouth to hers. Lifting on her toes, Tara sinks her hands in my hair and runs them down my neck, holding me captive. Our bodies press together, and my impenetrable glass enclosure shatters, spilling a lifetime of heartache, anger, hunger, depravity, and grief all over the ground. Each of my snowflake terrors slide and scatter, melting in the warmth of her touch.

It's like being gutted and resurrected at the same time.

Pressing her back against the tree, I deepen this kiss for all I'm worth.

And I'm worth a fucking lot.

Our tongues twirl around one another. We breathe the same air. Her body presses completely against mine and it's like being fused to passion itself. I can't get enough of her. I want to feel every inch of her sweet skin. I want to fuck us both into oblivion.

She doesn't make me forget my pain, but Tara quiets the storm inside me. I simultaneously love and abhor it. The storm is all I've known. To see a ray of sunshine almost hurts because it's so fucking precious. I've been afraid to look at it, feel it, embrace it.

There's been a lot of push and pull between us. I'm done pushing. I'm done pulling. I want to take her. Keep her.

"Come on," I say, carrying her away from the tree.

"Where are we going?"

"Home." I want to bring Tara to my safe place. "We're going home."