Chapter 29

Ryker

I've never been this fucked up before. When Tara runs away from me, I let her go because she's right. The choice is hers, not mine.

It's never been mine.

I'm nothing more than a monarch butterfly—a pretty creature who's poisonous to others. Tara just got a taste of me and ran. Good. It's nice to see her self-preservation skills work. I'm almost relieved that it's over.

Almost.

Listening to her feet beat the carpet as she dashes down the hall, I brace my hands on the doorjamb to keep from chasing her down.

This isn't love I'm feeling. It's not even lust.

It's just a connection. One I haven't had in a long time. I need to let her sever it for us both.

The stairwell door creaks and slams shut. My heart rattles in my chest, trying to burst out of my body to go after her. She's probably racing down the steps, clutching the banister, her hair flying behind her as she flees far, far away from here.

I can't breathe.

My knees buckle and down I go.

Air. I need air. I can't see right. My vision tunnels until everything's black except for a pinprick of light. My throat's closing up.

"Call D!" Someone yells. I think it's Vault. Of course, it's Vault. He's the one who monitors the cameras most. He would have seen the entire shitshow from his desk.

I don't need him here. I don't need anyone here. I don't need—

"Hang on, Ry." Vault nestles down behind me and wraps his legs and arms around my torso, caging me. It makes it worse. "Breathe with me, man. Come on. You got this."

I don't got shit. Fears tumble out of me. Feelings. Emotions. All my hang-ups twist into a noose that tightens around my neck. I'm choking. Suffocating.

"What happened?" Dmitri's voice filters through my wonky hearing even as my pulse quickens to a deafening roar.

"Don't know. They got in an argument, and she left. Then this."

"Hey." D pats my face. "Ryker. Breathe slower."

"I… I can't… I can't see anything." I can't hear or think or breathe or move. The room's spinning in too many directions. The voice in my head screams, RUN, RUN, RUN. But I'm frozen.

Dmitri claps his hands on my face and presses his forehead to mine. "You gotta inhale and exhale slower, man. Come on. I'm right here. We're both right here."

"I can't let go." My cheeks tingle. My hands go numb. "I can't… I can't let… her go."

"She's gone already," D says in a broken tone. "She's been gone a long time, Ry."

He thinks I'm talking about someone else. He has no idea I mean Tara.

"You have to breathe." Vault loosens his hold on me. "Come on. In with the good shit. Out with the bullshit."

I'm going to be sick. "I… I can't…."

D stays in my face. "You can and you will. In…" He sucks in an exaggerated breath. "Out." He blows out an exhale that hits me in the face. "In…" He inhales. "Out." He exhales.

I finally manage to get with the program and my panic lessens, marginally. It's enough for me to ease my grip on Vault"s thighs. My vision clears too. "Your breath stinks."

"No, it doesn't," D laughs.

He's right. It doesn't. He's smacking on minty gum. "Thanks." It's been a long time since I had an episode like this.

"You want me to help you, uhhh, relieve some more pressure?" D tips his head where the floggers are.

"No." I think that's part of the reason my head's so fucked right now. I'm having a drop. Too many emotions have popped up at once because of it.

Tara has been the best worst thing to ever walk into my life.

I fear I'm the same for her.

After a few more minutes of calm breathing, I tap Vault's leg. "You can let me go now."

"Awww, but I like it when we cuddle."

Dmitri holds his hand out and pulls me to my feet. The room spins a little. "Shit. I'm dizzy." Stumbling to the couch, I drop in it and cradle my head in my hands. "I'm a fucking mess."

"You have a lot going on," D says. "The club, your Butterfly, Greene Street."

"Knox needs more money," I blurt. "Brisbane Realty offered his father a lot of cash for the club, so he's given Knox two months to get the rest of it up to code and running, or he's selling it."

"Jesus Christ." D plops down next to me. "That asshole will make him do all the work and sell it off anyways, probably thinking he'll get a higher price if it's updated."

"My thoughts exactly."

"How much more does he need?"

"Five hundred grand."

Vault whistles. "On top of what you've already contributed? That place is not even worth it."

"It's all he has," I say. But Vault is right. That club is a dump and even though Knox managed to turn the underground level into something great, the biggest part of the building still needs serious work. His father ran it into the ground and no amount of paint or leather seating will fix it. "We're in too deep to let him fail now."

As silent partners, Dmitri and I have given a lot of our savings to him already.

"Do you have any extra cash, Ry?" D rests his elbows on his knees. "'Cause I don't."

"Not after bidding at the ceremony," I admit. The room finally stopped spinning and my perfect hearing is back. "I need the rest of my money for the auction of Greene Street."

I'm not even sure I'll have enough to cover it. Loans are out of the question. I refuse to ask for outside help.

"Maybe you shouldn't bid on it, Ryker."

There goes the joy of having my hearing back. Or maybe I'm hallucinating because I swear Dmitri just said that I shouldn't buy the building. "Maybe you should mind your business."

"Oh, it's like that now?" He stands, stretching every bit of his six-foot-five self as he towers over me. "You just ran your Butterfly out of here, had an anxiety attack on the motherfucking floor, and you're still stupid enough to not see what's causing all your damn problems?"

"That building isn't—"

"Oh, it is. You can't let go of shit." D marches towards the door. "I love you, Ryker. You know I'll do anything for you. But you've got to stop being your own problem. You literally sabotage everything good in your life."

"What good?" I yell. "I'm a whore who runs a sex club. I have nothing and no one."

And now I'm flat broke.

"Nothing and no one, huh?" D nods his head. "Okay." He walks out the door and Vault follows him.

Shit. I didn't mean that. These guys have been there for me since the beginning. I don't have nothing, I have them.

It's just that I want more.

I love my club. I love offering a safe space for people to get their kinks on. I love working with my best friends. I love helping people. But there's a huge hole in my heart that nothing has been able to fill. I grab onto things—people—and try to mold them into the shape of the cavity that's inside me. They don't ever fit.

Tara probably won't either, so it's a good thing she's gone. I would have tried to morph her into that missing piece. I did it to Natalie. And I did it to—

"Hi Ry!" Kenzie leans over the coffee shot counter and flashes me a huge smile. "I was hoping I'd see you today."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"I've missed you." She grabs my t-shirt and yanks me in for a kiss. Each time she does this, it injects joy into my black veins. Kenzie looks at me with these little puppy dog eyes and is never not smiling, which helps my black heart smile too. She's the sun in my stormy life. We've been dating for three months, and I haven't told her what I do for a living yet. It makes me feel like a fake and a liar.

I hate myself for it.

I'm just not ready to let her go yet. She makes me feel good. Happy. Normal. D says it's a mistake to string her along without being upfront with her, but I just need this fantasy to last a little longer. My mom's disintegrating and being with Kenzie comforts me, even if she doesn't know I'm battling a war for my mom's life. And mine.

"Where have you been? I tried calling last night, but you didn't answer."

"I was working," I say, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She has the cutest earlobes ever. "Just left the butterfly conservatory."

"Awwww. I'm so jelly. I wish I could have gone with you."

I flash her a smile, then bite my bottom lip once her gaze drifts to my mouth. "When do you get off work?"

"One."

That will give me time to meet with Jackson Barre, piss on him while he gets off, then I can grab something to eat and catch the bus back here. "How about I scoop you up and we can go to the conservatory together this afternoon?"

She lights up. "Really?"

"Yeah." I chuckle. God, she's so bubbly and happy. I love it.

"Oh shoot. I have to study for an exam." My girl's in college and smart as fuck. "Can we make it a quick trip?"

The quicker the better, because I need to get home to my mom. "However long you want to stay, that's how long we'll be."

"Okay!" She beams me another killer smile, and I swear my heart pounds harder every time I see her happy.

"I'll see you soon, Kenzie."

"Hey!" she yells, when I turn away. "Don't you dare walk away from me like that, Ryker Hudson."

Biting my back laugh, I turn towards her and grin. "Did I forget something?"

"Damn straight you did." She hops on the counter and grabs me by the back of the neck. Then she kisses me like it's her last act on this earth. The other baristas hoot and laugh. Pure joy bubbles out of me because of it. "I love you," she says against my lips.

My heart explodes.

That's who I've compared Tara to. The first and only girl who said she loved me. The first and only girl who, once she found out the truth of my life, looked at me like I was shit on the bottom of her shoe. The girl who ran and never looked back.

Just like Tara has now.

The night Kenzie found out I was an escort was a bad one. We'd been together for a little over four months, and I was escorting a forty-year-old woman to the theater…

"Ryker?" Kenzie stops on the sidewalk, with her friends in tow, and gawks at me. "Hi!"

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuuuuck. "Hey," I lean over and kiss her cheek. "How are you?"

"Um." Kenzie's brow knits with confusion as she regards the woman I'm with. "Hi, I'm Kenzie."

She probably thinks this is my mom. Only my mom is too sick to walk to the bathroom by herself, and Kenzie has no clue about any of that either. The client on my arm has flaming red hair, heavy lipstick, and drips in Tiffany.

"Pleasure to meet you," my client says. "Come on, Ry. We're going to be late." This woman is a jealous creature. I don't blame her. Her husband fucks anything with a hole, including me, and is never there for her like I am afterwards. She cries in my lap some nights and pays me five hundred an hour for the privilege. But she also thinks she owns me. I'm her property when we're together. "Tell the girl goodbye."

"Bye," I say, feeling like a complete clown.

She drags me down the sidewalk, and I have no choice but to let her. I need the three grand she's paying me for this date. Wincing when my client grabs my ass and sinks her manicured talons into my skin, I growl between clenched teeth. "Let… go…"

"Not until that little bitch knows who you belong to," she claps back.

Regretfully, I glance over my shoulder and see Kenzie staring at us. Her jaw falls open. Her eyes are locked on where my client"s hand is.

"He fucks me like a machine, too," my client calls over her shoulder. "That's what you get when you pay the premium price, sweet pea."

It's the last straw. I remove her hand from my ass. "We're done." She tries to touch me again, and I smack her hand away. "I said we're done. Don't call me again."

"Ryker!" she seethes. "Don't you dare walk away from me, you ingrate!"

I spin on my heels and rush back to Kenzie. "I can explain."

"Oh, this should be good," one of her friends says, folding her arms.

"That's not your mom." Kenzie points at my furious and humiliated client marching away in her six-thousand-dollar red heels. "Is it?"

"No. It's not." So many confessions sit on my tongue because I don't want to do this here. Especially not in front of an audience. "Can we go someplace more private for a sec?"

Kenzie shakes her head. "Anything you have to say, you can say it in front of my friends, too."

"Yeah, Ryker. Let's hear you charm your way out of this one. Or does that come with the premium price tag too, sweet pea?"

I don't even know who Kenzie's friends are, but they're surrounding me like a pack of wolves. My heart gallops in my chest. "My mom's sick. She's been dying of cancer."

"And you're going to the theater to find her a cure?" one of them asks.

"Shut your fucking mouth," I snap back. Shit, I shouldn't talk like that to anyone here. It's not their fault I'm a liar and a cheat. "Her meds and stuff cost a lot of money. Money, we don't have."

"Oh my god." Kenzie holds her cheeks. "Are you serious right now, Ryker? Are you a…" She looks around like she's embarrassed being seen with me. "Are you a fucking hooker?"

"Escort," I correct, knowing how stupid it sounds. "And it's not—"

"I'm going to be sick." Kenzie stumbles away from me like I have the plague. "You fuck people for money? You're a whore?" Her voice rises. "Oh my god. How many diseases do you have? Oh my god, oh my GOD!"

We've never slept with each other. I've never done anything but kiss her for these four months. I gave her the only thing I haven't given anyone else. "Kenzie, please, just hear me out."

"There is absolutely nothing you can say that will make this okay. Back off right now." Her friend shoves me, but I don't budge.

All I can do is stare at the one ray of sunshine I have and beg for her to stay. "Kenzie, please."

She takes off running and even though I try to hold back from chasing her down, my feet start moving. "Kenzie!"

I run across the street, screaming her name, her body the only thing I focus on. I have to get to her. I have to stop her. I have to make her understand I don't want to be like this. But halfway across the street, I stop because what's the point? She deserves better than me. I'm not going to change. I can't. "KENZIE!"

A horn blows and wheels screech. I'm blinded by headlights and the chaos of my life crashing into me.

SLAM!

I fly into the air and land hard on the asphalt while Kenzie keeps running farther and farther away from me...

I feel like I've been hit by a car again. Everything fucking hurts.

Tara left. All she wanted was a kiss and I couldn't give it to her. How pathetic is that? But how can I give that one piece of myself to a woman who can't stay.

You're a great man. Say it.

I told her I wasn't a great man. I told her I was a whore.

You're a great man. Say it.

I told her I was a whore, and she didn't run or look at me like I was garbage.

You're a great man. Say it.

I told her I was here only for her pleasure and that I would give her anything she wanted. I said I'd make all her fantasies come true. All she just had to tell me what she wanted, and I'd make it happen.

She wanted a kiss.

I'm not a great man, I'm a fucking coward.