Chapter 28

Tara

It's stupid to read into anything Ryker says and does. He's a cunning hustler. It's a mistake to ever consider the possibility that he'd fall for someone like me. I'm a temporary problem with an expiration date, not his salvation.

And he sure as shit isn't my savior, either.

I should have never tried to dominate him. No matter how great it felt, I messed it all up. I just wanted him to grovel and worship me and admit something he's probably never said to anyone else.

I'm so fucking stupid and arrogant.

I used the flogger as punishment, when it was really a reward. I can't even tell if that's okay or not. I'm in over my head and this is not the place to "fake it till you make it" like I can out in the real world. In here, with these tools at my disposal, someone could get hurt.

I fear it'll be me.

But it might also be Ryker, because how he said my name as he came? The way he looked? The intensity of it all? I almost cracked his fortified armor again. I was so close, it made me ache. But it made me crack open too, because I now know what I want, and I'll never have it.

I want a Dom to discover who I am with. I want a safe space to fall apart while I'm fucked to pieces and held together by strong arms and rope. I want to be the Butterfly forever so I can stop feeling like a freak and find myself. I want to find my peace. Embrace my kinks and banish my shame. I want to find someone who understands me and knows how to be with me. I want a protector, a provider, and an equal. Someone who will open the door for me and slap my ass as I walk through it. I want someone who will see me enter a room and simultaneously love and loathe the fact that I turn heads. I want someone who will give me independence while putting me in my place.

What I want doesn't exist. How could it? They'd have to be a walking contradiction.

They'd have to be Ryker.

He teeters between humiliating me one minute and worshiping me the next. I have no idea which is the real him. I'll go mad trying to figure it out. Maybe that's why there's only a one-month rule to being the Butterfly. Any longer and it would cause permanent damage to the woman's psyche.

"Tara." He softly knocks on the bathroom door. "Can I come in?"

"Give me a minute." After splashing cold water on my face and blotting it dry, I fix my hair and blow out a deep breath. Then I swing the door open. "What?"

He looks… devastated. "I'm so sorry. For everything."

I'm sick of his apologies. And seeing him grovel again will lead me right back down the path of bad decisions and hopeful heart bubbles that are better left popped and gone. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

My stomach rumbles. Christ, what time is it anyway?

"Want pizza?"

"Pizza?" I turn to look at him. "Seriously?"

"Unless you don't like pizza. I'll order whatever you want."

"I'm not hungry." My stomach's too twisted with emotions for food, no matter how noisy it's being. "I have work to do in your office."

"Come on," he says, pulling out all his charm. Grabbing my hands, he lures me towards the bed. "Get comfy and I'll feed you anything you want."

What the hell is this? "I said I have work." I rip my hands out of his.

"Not today, you don't."

"Ryker, I'm given one hour a day to get my shit done. Just like you."

"And I'm not working today either."

That's not helpful. "Well good for you for taking the day off. I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No. I can't." That's not true. Whatever's sitting in my inbox can wait, but I'm too mixed up in my head and want some space between me and Ryker. An hour of banging away on my laptop sounds like a viable plan, even if he makes me sit on his lap to do it.

"Tara."

"Ryker."

"Tara!" He's gone from sweet to frustrated again. I honestly don't know which I like more. "Damnit, let me take care of you."

"I take care of myself, Mr. Hudson. I don't fucking need you."

"Please." Lifting my chin with his finger, he tips my head up, so I'll look at him. I don't want to. He'll see my vulnerability and I can't let that happen. "Please, Butterfly." His voice cracks this time. It makes me wonder if he wants to take care of me, for me, or for himself. "Let me do this."

Pizza won't show his intentions. I want something better. "Kiss me."

He flinches back. "What?"

"Kiss me. On my mouth. Right now."

Ryker shakes his head. "How did we go from pizza to kissing?"

"You said you wanted to take care of me. Prove it. I'm sad and confused, and I'd feel so much better if you would just kiss me."

My heart sinks as he backs away from me. "That's not happening. I don't kiss club members."

Figures he'd pull that card. It's absolutely bullshit. "Fine. Consider me no longer a member then." I storm towards the door, hoping he'll fall for my bluff and give me what I'm asking for. "I'm done being the Butterfly."

I'm halfway out the door when he grabs my hand and yanks me back. Slamming the door shut, he rears up on me. "What are you doing?"

"I just told you, I'm done. I quit being the Butterfly."

His gaze narrows. "Because I won't kiss you?"

"Because you won't show me who you really are!" I scream in his face.

"Oh, and you have?"

"What?"

"I know nothing about you, Miss Reed. And though you may have won this…" He flicks his hand around the room, "privilege, that doesn't mean you've earned the right to know things about me or demand me to give you things I'm not willing to give."

"And yet I'm supposed to trust you."

"You can trust that I would never hurt you."

"That's where you're wrong." I jab my finger in his chest. "You keep hurting me. You make me feel like I'm a thing. A job. An obligation."

His shoulders sag. "How? By giving you orgasms and fulfilling your fantasies? Boo fucking hoo, princess."

"You have no idea what my fantasies are."

"Then tell me and I'll make them happen."

A cold, cackling laugh bursts out of me. "I just did, and you shot me down."

"You don't come to my club for a kiss. You come to get railed."

He's right. Sort of.

"Tell me your other fantasies." Ryker tries grabbing my hand again, but I pull back before he can touch me.

"Oh, so now who's being demanding? Do you honestly think I owe you my personal information? My secrets and desires? God, you're the biggest hypocrite on the planet." I shove him back and he stumbles until his legs hit the bed where he catches himself.

"Hypocrite or not, I'm here for your pleasure, Tara. That's all. I'm your Dom who will see to your sexual needs safely and fulfill all your fantasies before you leave at the end of the month."

If my eyes roll any harder, they'll detach from my skull. "That's not all a Butterfly needs, you insufferable dickhead."

"That's exactly what she gets here, Miss Reed. It's what every woman in this club would sell her soul for and you're shitting all over it."

My blood chills. "Well," I say, fanning my hair over my shoulder. "I guess I'm not like the other women in this club. And you being my pleasure Dom isn't all I fucking need."

We scowl at each other so hard I swear the toxicity between us makes it hard to breathe.

"Maybe you're right," he finally says. Picking his shirt up off the floor, he tugs it on. "Maybe you should leave."

Good. Glad we're on the same page. Never mind that hearing him say that makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I've handled rejection before, and I can certainly handle this. Ryker doesn't deserve a woman like me and I'm sick of trying to prove my worth to men who don't want to see it.

Fuck this guy.

Fuck every guy.

I'm. Done.

Spinning on my heels, I march to the door again, but Ryker beats me to it. Slamming his hand against the door, he presses his chest to my back. "Don't." His hot breath tickles my neck. "I… don't want to let you go yet, Tara."

"You don't get to make that choice." I elbow him in the stomach and when he doubles over, I open the door and run.