Chapter 43

43

ASHER

T oday is Logan's funeral, and as I stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself, I barely recognize my reflection. My body is marred in more scars than ever, and still covered in bruises. My shoulder is still patched up, I am barely able to move it, I should be in pain everywhere, yet I still feel nothing. They kept me in hospital for over a week, only letting me out last night, and even then I had to sign myself out against medical orders, with promises to the staff at the private facility, that if I had any problems, I would go straight back. I didn't bother telling them that the only pain that still hurt, was the one in my heart.

Growing up under my father and brother, I was no stranger to beatings. It's why I took some of the ones meant for Logan, because I knew I could handle it. I thought I was helping, but maybe I was just prolonging his misery. Because he's dead and I'm still here, and I thought I knew what it meant to be heartbroken, but losing him, watching my daughter mourn her fun-loving uncle, it leaves a pain I can't even describe.

She was with the Deckers the first couple of days, but then Elle brought her home and to the hospital, and we explained something bad had happened, and that Logan was no longer with us. She di dn't really understand, and was more upset by my state than anything else, despite us trying to cover it as best as possible, but her usual shine has disappeared. She is back with the Deckers today, we didn't want her last memory of Logan to be of everyone mourning him, as he was lowered into the ground.

Arthur and Zack are sad but stoic, handling all the funeral plans the best they can, while Helen remains inconsolable, not that I can blame her. I haven't seen Lily since that day in the driveway before I collapsed. She doesn't leave her room, and hasn't spoken a word to anyone, and I know she is hurting more than anyone else.

His words from that day have played on repeat in my mind, over and over, every day, since I woke up in the hospital.

I love you too, Asher Donovan.

I think I have since the first moment I saw you.

The memory of those words slices through me, and I shake my head, trying to force them away as I reach for my shirt, but as I grab it, there is a knock on my door. I move towards it, ignoring the harsh stab of pain between my ribs with every step I take, but when I open it, my eyes widen in surprise.

"Conrad?" I say by way of greeting, completely confused by Jace's presence at my door, but all he does is nod behind me.

"Can I come in?" He asks, one of two direct sentences he has spoken to me in months, and I'm so surprised that all I can do is step aside and let him pass. He moves to the middle of the room and I follow, yet before I can ask him what he is doing here, he turns and says, "I found him."

I pause, not needing to ask who he means. Lincoln hasn't been seen since the day Logan died, disappearing completely, meaning I'm not just missing Logan, but him too. A feeling I'm not familiar with or attuned to, especially not after I had gotten used to their lingering presence. Since the night I helped Elle leave to wn, I have always prided myself on not needing anybody, but right now, I really fucking need him.

"Why didn't you bring him home?" I snap, my hand reaching up and absentmindedly brushing against the chain around my neck, and Jace tracks the movement.

"Because as much as I love my brother, I'm not the one he needs right now," he tells me firmly, for once not looking at me like he hates me. "There is only one person in the world who can save him from himself, and I'm looking right at him."

I frown instantly, searching his eyes for a lie but coming up empty. It's no secret the disdain he feels for me, because of my family, my name, and no matter what I do or say to him I will always be nothing but a Donovan. So why is he here?

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, needing his answer probably more than he realizes, and he sighs.

"Because my brother loves you," he replies simply, as if that confession is a commonly known fact, and all I can do is stare at him silently. "And I know you love him, and because I know what it's like to be drowning, and it doesn't matter how many people are trying to save you, it only takes one. The right one."

When I still don't say anything, he reaches into the pocket of his black suit pants, and hands me a piece of paper with an address I don't recognize on it. I search his stare again, and I see the memories of his own downfall there, and I know wherever he found Lincoln, whatever he saw, he's worried about his brother facing that same fate he did.

Jace moves back towards the door, but as he turns, he pauses, his eyes scanning the bare skin of my upper body, tracking all the marks there, and his face is a dark mask. "You know, I heard the doctors saying they had never seen so many untreated fractures that had healed themselves incorrectly before. That your body showed so many signs of abuse and scars, that they don't know how you survived it all," he breathes, and all I can do is stare even more intently, because no one wants to hear the horrors I have endured, least of all him. "You were raised by the devil himself, yet it might be the very thing that saved your life, how fucked up is that?" He laughs, with not a trace of humor within it.

"You mean, because Logan died, and I didn't?" I finally reply, almost sure that he wishes that our roles were reversed, but he shakes his head.

"No, because despite everything you went through, you still sacrifice yourself, because somehow your heart still knows what it means to love, even in this dark world," he muses in disbelief, before he sighs, "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you, and I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please, bring my brother home." Before my brain can comprehend his words enough to respond, he is already gone, and my mind is left reeling, but now there is only one thing I need to focus on, and that's not losing someone else I love.

When I pull up to the address Jace gave me and kill the engine, I already know what this place must be, just from the area it occupies on the South Side. There is no wealth here, no elite, just the lives of what my father saw as lesser people, yet they probably share more love and common decency than he ever knew in his life.

Climbing out, I check my watch, noting I don't really have much time before the funeral will be starting, and then glance up and down the street, before making my way down the unkept path. I don't knock, it's obvious this place has been abandoned for a few years at least, and instead just push inside and glance around. I don't know what I expect, but it isn't this. Even without it being left unoccupied, you can tell this was never a nice place to live. The floors are decaying, the walls damp and moldy, and what's left of the furniture is broken and completely outdated.

When Marcus left the North Side, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me, and I was so focused on Elle and Cassie, and keeping them away from my father, that I never imagined how he was living. He grew up with wealth, and then came here, and despite everything, he found boys who became his brothers. Jace and Lincoln never knew love or comfort, and it's only now I realize that it was Elle who gave them that.

I know what it's like to be loved by her. She was the first person to ever truly see me, the real me, and she liked me, loved me even, and I loved her. I love her more now than she could ever possibly realize, the woman she is, the mother she has become, she amazes me everyday. But the Elle who first became my friend was incredible, so light and free, and my brother took that from me, because he knew what she meant to me, he knew how much I loved having a friend that was just mine, until he pulled her into the darkness and changed her forever.

After that, I promised myself I wouldn't do it again, yet here I am, once again drowning in that darkness for something to call my own, and even if I find it, it won't be the same. There will never be the Lincoln from before, no, now he will be forever ruined by the man we loved between us, who neither of us could save. No matter what happens between us now, we will never be able to erase the shadow that Logan casted with his death.

I search every room, all of them empty, but it isn't until I get to the last room that I pause. Every other room was the same as in, it was clear no one had been there in years, but this one is different. There are several empty bottles strewn around the room, broken glass on the floor, and when my eyes flick up one of the walls, I spy Lincoln's name alongside Marcus and Jace's. He came back to the only place he knew before he found his family, but he isn't here now.

So where the fuck is he?

By the time I make it to the cemetery, there is a line of people, slowly making their way towards his graveside, and being greeted by Arthur and Zack. I can't see Helen or Lily anywhere yet, but Jace is standing off to the side with Riley, smoking a cigarette and looking like he would rather be anywhere else but here. I guess he hates funerals as much as I do. And when he spots me and I shake my head, signaling I didn't find Lincoln where he told me to find them, he curses.

My eyes scan my surroundings, and I find Elle and Marcus talking to a group of young men, and it's only when I get closer that I recognize most of them from Logan's social media accounts. Paxton Parker, Joseph Grant, Finn Hilton, and Theodore Wells. The sixth generation of Kinghood men, a secret society well known among the elite for their wealth, status, and debauchery. Yet it's the fifth man, one I don't recognize, that is staring at me intensely with a wicked glint in his eye. It's clear to someone like me that he didn't grow up with wealth, yet he appears to fit in with them like he is one of their own, and when I approach, his knowing smile only widens.

"Ash, you're here," Elle breathes, when she spots me, pulling me in for a hug, before she gestures between myself and the five of them. "Gentleman, may I introduce Asher Donovan." Their eyes all trail over me knowingly, appraising me as one of their peers, but I am in no mood for royal politics, especially not today.

I barely spare them a second glance, before I focus back on Elle and reply, "I was just letting you know I'm here, I'll be over there if you need me." Without waiting for a response, I turn on my heels and leave them all behind, but not before one of them mutters, "So, that's who Logan was obsessed with?" His words hit me like a hurricane, obliterating my insides, but I do what I do best, and keep my blank mask in place, as I head to the front row of chairs, not stopping to speak to anyone else.

The moment my eyes lock on the sleek black coffin, resting atop the wooden slats, my steps almost falter. My throat is burning, as fire rages inside of me. He's dead, Logan is dead. Inhaling a deep breath through my nose, I push on, not stopping until I reach the front row of chairs reserved for family only, which is where I find Helen.

Her own tear-stained mask is in place, but I can tell she is barely holding it together, and when her eyes meet mine, fresh tears gather there as she takes in the injuries on my face. I could hide most of the ones I sustained with my suit, but there was nothing I could do about the cuts and bruises on my face.

"Oh, honey," she cries, standing and pulling me into a tight embrace, and it almost makes me break. She didn't visit me in the hospital, so this is the first time I am seeing her since the day Logan died. "I'm so sorry, my sweet boy, for everything you went through, I'm so sorry," she gasps out between soft sobs, and I rub her back gently, ignoring the wrecking ache in my chest.

"No, I'm sorry," I mutter into her hair, and she pulls back and frowns in confusion. "I'm sorry I couldn't save him, I tried, but I just…" I trail off, the tears threatening to escape me, and her own pour even more.

Her hands cup my cheeks, as she looks at me sternly. "Asher, you gave my boy what every mother dreams of, someone to love. I'll be eternally grateful for that," she tells me, and fuck, her words rip my already shredded heart into more pieces.

I don't respond, not because I don't know how to, but because if I do, I'll break down, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop. Helen must see the words I'm not saying right there on my face, because she takes my hand in hers and pulls me to sit down next to her, and that's how we stay. Countless people filter in behind us, filling up the other chairs, but until the rest of our family joins us, we keep our eyes on the only thing of Logan that remains.

It isn't until the service is about to start, that Max cuts through the middle of the chairs with his arm around Lily, and they take a seat on the last two chairs available. She is wearing a fitted black dress with oversized sunglasses, but when she takes them off her eyes are red and puffy. She looks awful, completely and utterly heartbroken, and all I can do is stare. Yet when her eyes move sideways and meet mine, I feel like I am back looking in the mirror.

There is no light left there, no love, only grief. And just like me, she will be tainted by this loss forever.