Chapter 42

42

LINCOLN

T here is nothing but grief and alcohol running through my veins. I can't feel anything but complete numbness. There is no life, no love, no fucking sunshine, just a pit of pure darkness that I will remain in forever. It's why I left, because how could I have stayed? How could I have looked my so-called family in the eye, when I am the reason that someone they loved is dead?

Dead.

Logan is dead.

It doesn't matter how many times I say it, how many times I think it, it still hurts just as much as the moment I watched him go. He was right there, we had saved him, he was desperately searching for Asher, like the world would end if he didn't find him, and then he was gone. The sound of his sister's screams, his mother's sobs, his father's solemn face, will all be forever etched in my mind like a bad nightmare I can't escape. The taste of his blood-stained lips, still like a phantom touch against my own I won't ever forget, nor the words they spoke.

I love you, Lincoln Blackwell.

How could he say that? Feel that? He kne w who I was, what I was, so why the fuck did he fall in love with me? And why did I let him? I knew better, I learned not to let myself love when I was eight years old, and I watched my mother die, so how did his perfect, sunshine smile make me forget?

A smile that is now forever stained in blood, and tainted by his undying love for me, me, the man who is the reason he is dead.

Pain threatens to make my chest cave in, and I tip back the bottle to numb it with more alcohol, only to find it empty. Fuck . I smash it against the wall with a scream, just so desperate to stop this fucking ache inside of me. I mean, fuck, how can something hurt this much?

After my mom died, I knew I never wanted to feel like this again, it's why I never let anyone in, not until Jace and Marcus. And yeah, I was lonely, but I was content. Then they came along and ruined all of my carefully laid plans, but the more I watched them, the more I saw the darkness that curled inside of them, and I thought I'd found my matches. We were brothers, a family, us against the world, until I bumped into a fiery little blond in the hallway, and saw that same darkness burning in her eyes.

I thought by that point that I could keep her separate, look at her as just a job, just business, but the moment I stuck a knife into Nate Maxwell's back to save her, everything changed. I knew I'd give my life to protect her, Cassie, and with them came the Roytons, came him . Except, I didn't give my life, he gave his, a price that I never wanted him to pay, and one I will forever remain in debt of, because when Logan took his last breath, the Lincoln he loved disappeared. No amount of revenge will bring him back, so now my only mission is to paralyze the pain inside of me, and try and forget that I am the reason he is gone.

A door creaks open somewhere in the distance, and I curse inwardly, knowing I should have chosen to lay low somewhere else, but I left the hospital with nothing but the clothes on my back. C lothes that are still stained with his blood, the only piece I still have left of him, and the only person I have spoken to since, is a nurse at the hospital, to find out if Asher made it through his surgery.

I didn't know where to go, and found myself just walking around aimlessly, until I made my way here, a place I thought I would be safe, but I forgot that if I remember this place, then my best friend does too. Jace appears at the end of the hallway, his eyes tracking where I sit curled up on the floor, my head against the wall, and his face is expressionless, yet still I can read his every thought.

This was where we met, the foster home that made us friends, now nothing but a condemned, rundown, forgotten piece of history. Half the furniture is missing, and it smells like shit, but this room we shared still bears our names on the wall, where we etched them in marker. We got yelled at for doing it, and were forced to skip dinner that night, but we never did cover them up. That piece of ink is the first thing that linked us together as one, it was the moment we chose one another for better or worse, but even after the stains of our past, we didn't know just how bad worse could actually get.

Jace doesn't say a word, just walks into the room as if we still share it like we once did, and takes a seat on the old chair that still sits in the corner. I expect him to yell at me, scold me for running off, for ruining everything, but his silent acceptance feels even worse.

"How did you find me?" I eventually croak out, not realizing how coarse and raw my throat felt until now.

"I know you better than you think, brother," he replies gently, a smile that doesn't reach his eyes flashing across his mouth. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head, ignoring the throbbing pain there from my headache. "I don't think I've ever been okay," I admit quietly. "When my mom was killed, I thought this is it, this is the worst life can get, no pain will ever top this. And to know that at eight years old, well, it kind of fucks you up." He nods at my words and I know he understands, he knows all too well what it's like to numb the pain when it becomes too much. "When I lost her I felt it, but I also felt relief, because the monster who made me, molded me, he was gone. He couldn't hurt me, her, or anyone else anymore, so I was drowning in her absence, but that relief was like a lifeboat, I had something to hold onto." My fingers flex as I reach up and press them to my lips, closing my eyes and taking myself back to that kiss. "Yet now I'm not just drowning, I'm at the bottom of the fucking ocean, and I know there's nothing to hold onto. I will never resurface, not without him."

My brother looks pained by my pain, and I'm sure he is. I still remember the night he tried to kill himself, and I know if he would have succeeded, it would have felt a whole lot like this.

"Logan wouldn't want you to drown, he would want you to live, for him, for you, for your family," Jace starts, but his words cut right through me.

"Logan can't want anything, because he's dead," I shout, cutting him off and hating myself for it, but I can't listen to him sit there and tell me about Logan's wants, because he is never going to want anything ever again.

The chain he bought me for Christmas burns against my skin, where it rests beneath my shirt, and I wish I could rip it off. The crown now a cruel taunt that its king is now nothing but lifeless skin and bone.

"Lincoln," Jace starts, sounding like he wants nothing more than to make all of this go away for me, and my eyes flick up to our names on the wall.

"I never should have spoken to you that day, I never should have let you in," I start, wondering how I got so deep in this mess. "I should've stayed away from you, all of you. You, Marcus, Elle, if I would have done that, then none of this would have happened."

"No," Jace snaps, flying off the chair and dropping down in front of me, but I avert my stare. "If you would have done that, then I wouldn't have my best friend. Elle wouldn't have been saved from that prick you killed to protect her, and for all we know, Cassie could still be living with the Donovans right now, and all of us could be dead." He reaches out and grabs my chin roughly, pulling it to his stare. "Even knowing everything I know now, if I could go back, I would still bug the shit out of you until you told me to fuck off, because you're my brother, Lincoln, and I'm yours. You saved us Lincoln, you saved me."

His words make my eyes burn, and I wish I could let myself feel his love and affection for me, but all I can say is, "But I couldn't save him."

Jace's eyes soften, and he nods, his own grief haunting him, as he no doubt remembers the girl he couldn't save, but still he pushes on. "Logan loved you, I saw it, I felt it when you two were together, and I know if he were still here now, that there wouldn't be any part of him that regretted knowing you or loving you." I'm sure he thinks his words will bring me comfort, but all they bring me is more pain.

"But he's not here, and he never will be again," I sigh, letting the pain I was keeping at bay consume me, until I can't feel anything else. "Please, just go, I need to be alone."

It's what I deserve. Not family and love, just my pain and regret.

Whatever Jace sees in my eyes now has him nodding slowly, rising back to his feet and moving towards the door, yet just as he is about to leave, he lingers by the door. "Logan's funeral is on Monday, you should be there," he exhales, his words crippling me, as h e adds, "He would want you there."

Then just like Logan, he is gone, and I am once again left alone.

The only suitable place for a monster like me to be.