Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

KAYDEN

S tanding outside the library, Maddox was pale, sweating, and visibly shaking. My first instinct was to reach out to him, but when I made to step closer, he backed away.

"I need to be alone. I mean it, Kay. Just go."

It was the first time he'd called me that. I nodded, ignoring my gut. I let up. For once.

"I'll see you at practice Thursday, yeah?" I asked.

Maddox nodded and leaned forward, hands on his thighs, head down.

"Text if you need to talk or anything," I said.

No reply.

I was still unsure about leaving him alone like this, but I did.

Two weeks later, and I was still thinking about that day. Had I made the wrong decision by leaving Maddox alone like that?

I'd been working my courage up to text him, but every time I started typing out a message, I stopped. But I thought about him. Every fucking day. To the point where I was distracted in class—not that it took much—and at night. It took forever for me to fall asleep.

The only time I saw Maddox was at practice, but he ignored me. I was ready for the sharp replies, but instead I got nothing. And I didn't know what was worse.

Last week I'd arrived at the library for our study session. I waited half an hour before realizing he wasn't going to show.

And here I was, another week later, waiting again. Hoping this time he'd make good on his promise. I'd booked the same room and waited until 12:10 hit. This was ridiculous. He wasn't coming.

I was about to grab my stuff and leave when there was a knock at the door. When Maddox appeared, I got up so fast I nearly toppled my chair.

Smooth, Kay.

He was dressed in his usual jeans and leather jacket.

"Hey." He nodded and sat down.

I did the same and opened my laptop.

"You didn't show up last week," I stated. "I was gonna text you but?—"

"I'm here now, aren't I?" he snapped.

Thank fuck that Mad was, well, mad. He was back. And I'd never been so happy at having a grump around.

"Yes, you are."

I wanted to ask him if he was feeling better, but I didn't want to poke the bear. Not too hard, anyway.

He reached into his bag and pulled out what looked like a journal, a set of pens, and… stickers?

"Here." He placed them in front of me. "Okay, let's start with reviewing chapter five and six on macro?—"

"Wait, what's all this?" I asked him, confused as hell.

"It's a type of journal designed for people with dyslexia. And apparently, color coding things, with pens or stuff like stickers, is like a visual prompt that makes it more engaging."

Wait. He'd bought this stuff for me ?

"So, chapter five deals with three concepts," he continued. "We're going to get quizzed on this next week and?—"

"Thank you," I interrupted, nudging him with my shoulder.

This was totally unexpected. No one, not even my closest friends, had done anything like this.

Maddox refused to make eye contact and began typing away on his laptop. He was wearing a couple of silver rings and a rolo bracelet that rattled with every movement. As I glanced at his hands, it struck me that they were as beautiful as the rest of him. It got me thinking about what those hands would feel like on my body. And what my body would feel like next to his.

Then I remembered our practice, and watching him do his warmup stretches for his hip flexors. His knees spread wide, then wider still, until he was all but humping the ice. Fuck. Goalies had great flexibility, and I wondered how agile Maddox really was.

"Kayden?"

My mind veered off the dirty track and back to the present.

"Yeah?"

"We've already lost almost fifteen minutes of study time. You ready?"

"Sure."

I didn't want to study economics. Just Maddox.

"I want you to tell me about the concept of deflation."

"You mean, like, after you come?" I snickered.

"Jesus Christ." Maddox looked up at the ceiling and then turned to me, his steely blues as intense as ever. "Do you want to ace this course or not?"

"Yes. Okay, sorry. Sorry."

Focus, Kay.

We went back and forth about the concepts, and then Maddox quizzed me. I got eight out of fifteen. Not great. Another hour of study. More questions, more quizzes. But at least, Maddox let me explain stuff in my own time. And he didn't get frustrated or annoyed when I fucked up an answer.

After two hours, I was fried. But at least I had a better handle on the subject.

No, not Mad. That one I was still working out.

Maddox

What had possessed me to buy all that shit for Kayden? No freaking clue. Call it distraction.

After that disturbing phone call from my father's attorney, and the panic attack that followed, I called my therapist. Then I contacted Daniel and asked for his advice. I knew what was coming, but I still wasn't prepared.

I didn't want to hear anything about my father ever again. Thinking about him gave me full-on chills and made my stomach clench hard.

There was only one thing that kept me from spiraling, and it was hockey. Okay, two things. Hockey and my study session with Kayden. I'd been a dick and didn't show up last week but I wasn't going to go back on my word. And, like always, getting into the game—or the study session—and getting out of my head was necessary. But I wasn't ready to talk to Kayden about what had happened. Not at practice, anyway, and not with everyone around.

And whatever this was between me and Kayden? I still had no idea. I found myself reaching for my phone several times. But I didn't text him. Instead, I bought him that fucking journal. It was purely a selfish move on my part. If it helped him pass this course, then he'd be out of my hair. That was a good enough reason. Well, not totally because there was still hockey. But next semester would be different. We'd only see each other at practice and games. Okay, we'd see each other every week. But not up close and personal. Not that study sessions were personal, but being in close contact with Kayden was making me want things. And it had me noticing stuff I'd prefer to ignore.

Like the way Kayden worried his full lower lip when he was working out an idea in his head. And the way his eyes changed color, from light gold to the darkest honey, and back again. Not to mention the messy hair that I wanted to fix. My hand itched to reach up and tuck the unruly strands behind his ears. Not that I wanted to touch his hair or anything. That would be weird, right?

Thank fuck he hadn't made a big deal out of my gift. I was grumpy enough at myself for even purchasing the journal to begin with. Whatever. He could take it or leave it. It didn't matter to me either way. I didn't care.

With two hours of study done, Kayden suggested we grab a bite in town. I wanted to tell him to get lost, but I had to eat, anyway. And he'd probably follow me back to the dorm if I said no.

Then I remembered it was Friday.

"Don't you have a party to go to?" I asked as we headed across campus and down the south lawn.

"What?"

"It's Friday. Aren't you partying with Dane and Jace?"

"Uh, it's two in the afternoon, Mad," Kayden chuckled. "And, hello, we have a game tomorrow."

Jesus, I'd totally forgotten. Two hours with Kayden and look what happened to me. I was completely out of it.

"Right," I replied. "So, partying comes Saturday night?"

"Fuck yes." Kayden nodded. "One of the fraternities has a party planned. Ethan's frat. Everyone on the hockey team's invited."

"Are you going?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. You want to come with?"

"Me? At a frat party?" I scoffed. "Hell to the fucking no."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason?"

"Yup."

I sighed. "I'd rather eat edibles and listen to music."

"You can do that at the party."

"Yeah, but there are people there. I'd rather do it alone," I paused. "Do you…hook up at these things?"

My God, I sounded so lame. What did I care if Kayden got laid? I glanced at his face, his cheeks ruddy.

"Uh, not really," he muttered. "Sort of. Well, no."

"I have no idea what that any of that means, but whatever. It's not my biz."

We walked in silence as we passed the campus gates. Small-town Sutton was starting to grow on me. Being away from the big city congestion and chaos wasn't something I thought I'd like, but did. And the quiet here had a way of calming me.

"So, edibles. Care to share tomorrow?" Kayden asked.

"Maybe," I replied.

Man, I wish I had one now. I was fucking nervous all of a sudden, so I pulled out my pack of smokes. And I didn't miss Kayden's side-eye.

"Don't give me that look," I snapped.

"What?"

"Judgment. I saw it," I replied as I pulled a cig out.

"I'd never. But those are gonna ruin your teeth and your breath."

I shrugged. "Then it's a good thing I don't kiss anyone."

Kayden stopped short. Shit. I shoved the cig in my mouth as my comment sat like a bomb between us.

"Not at all? Like, ever?" Kayden asked, eyes wide.

I fumbled for my lighter and lit up, taking a long, long drag.

"Fuck off," I mumbled and walked faster.

"If you did want to, you know, kiss someone, who would it be?" he asked.

"We're not in high school, Kay. Drop it."

"Sure. Fine," he sighed. "I've made out with a few women. But that's pretty much it. Still got my big v-card."

I inhaled too fast and choked on the smoke.

"I really didn't need to know that."

Okay, maybe I was curious. There was that damn word again. Why? Why did I want to know about him? I mean, I didn't. But I did.

Then I realized Kayden said women. He was straight. That meant whatever I saw in the shower that day was him thinking about a hot girl. That made my grumpy demeanor turn even more sour. I took another drag and waited for my nerves to settle.

"I haven't told anyone. Well, except you. And Dane. It's not like bragging about being a virgin is a thing, right? And not on the hockey team. A lot of the guys are always talking about how much they get laid. Especially Ethan, Sean, and Finn."

"They're probably bullshitting. As most guys do."

"But not you?"

I shrugged. "No one's ever asked me."

"Big surprise there," Kayden teased.

I offered him my best finger.