CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

N oah

People in designer suits march toward the Financial District as I exit Finn's apartment, swinging glossy Italian briefcases and purses. I don't belong here. I never belonged here.

I'm supposed to be helping my parents at the gas station until I take it over so that they can retire, because God knows, they won't have much savings after they spent every extra penny on my hockey classes. I'm not supposed to be living with Finn.

I'm not sure when Finn came to that realization, but I can't even blame him for doing that. I mean, I wouldn't have fallen in love with a man who lacked all sense.

I wish I wasn't the piece in his life that didn't make sense.

Today is an optional training day, and when I find myself outside, eyes stinging, lips pressed together to avoid the instinct to wail, I head to the arena.

I stroll past gray and red brick buildings until Seaport ends. Dull gray water slices through the city, and I cross the bridge to Boston's historic district, passing Boston's Tea Party Ship and Museum. A few people dressed in colonial clothes talk to a swarm of tourists, and I suddenly wish I'd taken an Uber to the arena.

"It's Noah Fitzpatrick!" someone exclaims.

Hoards of groggy-eyed tourists snap pictures at me, though a few people, thankfully blink at me in confusion, wondering why a guy in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, is getting more attention than the wooden, old timey ship .

I don't blame them.

I do a half-hearted wave.

"Where's Finn?" someone shouts.

I pretend I don't hear and quicken my steps. The air is chilly around me. I'm not dressed any different than normal, but normally we go to the arena in Finn's car. I feel foolish and pull the hood of my hoodie over me.

Leaving was the right thing to do. Absolutely.

My chest might reverberate with pain, but this isn't about me. It's about him.

I'm thankful when I arrive at the arena. I want to lose myself in training, because the other option, wandering Boston with a broken-hearted expression and waiting for paparazzi to snap pictures of me and post them around the nation isn't optimal.

Hopefully, the exercise rooms will be empty.

When I enter the exercise room and Finn isn't beside me, my heart aches.

I miss him so much.

But Finn wasn't who I thought he was. Finn wanted to annul the marriage. Not that I can blame him. I can't hate him. Of course not.

I can only long and miss a person who I never truly knew. Will he be relieved when he sees I am gone?

But, of course, he will be.

Luke and Troy are both on treadmills, and I step onto the one in the far corner, as far from them as possible.

They flash absentminded smiles at me, then their gazes return to the view of the Charles. Maybe they haven't read the news .

I walk fast on my treadmill, my face grim.

I am so not going to cry on a treadmill at work. No way. Impossible.

I fiddle with the controls, then jog.

My mind still fills with Finn. Finn whom I love. Finn who is not here. Finn whom I will never be with again.

My eyes burn, and I stab the buttons on the treadmill until I move up to a higher level. And then a higher one. And higher one.

I am running. My lungs burn, my muscles burn, my heart burns.

"Dude," Troy's voice interrupts my run. "You want to cool it?"

I jump. I didn't notice him.

"Seriously," Troy says.

I lower the treadmill settings, moving back into a jog.

"You've got to be careful on these." Troy's voice is casual, and he doesn't meet my eye, but I don't miss the look he exchanges with Luke. I wonder how many looks they were exchanging before Troy interrupted me. "I don't want to explain to Finn that I let his husband get broken."

Luke laughs. "He'd kill us."

I don't laugh. My fingers tighten around the treadmill, and though I don't sway, it takes every ounce of concentration not to.

I think I get away with it.

I think my face is calm and placid.

Luke scrunches his lips and gazes at me. "Are you sure you're okay? "

"Of course."

"You don't look fine," Troy says.

"Um—"

Troy's eyes widen. "Finn and you had a fight."

"Well—"

"Dude, you gotta make up with him." Troy shakes his head. "I mean, he probably is super annoying and everything. Totally get it. Set up the lighting for this video, set up the lighting for that video. Do you think the viewers will prefer a tropical smoothie or a berry smoothie?"

"Finn is not annoying," I say hotly. "He is everything. He is the most wonderful—"

I stop. Troy has a triumphant look in his eyes.

"It's not important now," I mumble.

"Of course, it's important. You're having a fight with your true love," Luke says. "Nothing is more terrible than that."

"He knows," Troy says solemnly. "Luke watches all the dating shows."

Luke gives a modest shrug. "I'm an expert. You need to make it up with Finn. You're supposed to be together. I mean, he went gay for you."

Troy frowns. "I don't think that's the way you're supposed to phrase it."

Luke and Troy both look at me.

"I, um..." I rake my hand through my hair. "I'm not an expert."

I have opinions, but right now it's all I can do to stay upright. My mind is thick and puffy, and only one thought is going through it: Finn and I are no longer together .

But didn't Troy say it best? Finn changed himself for me. He changed his whole life for me. I can't let him continue doing it. He wants to end the marriage, and I will respect that.

I'm not supposed to be married to someone like Finn, and he isn't supposed to be married to someone like me.

Our marriage always had an expiration date.

"Do you want me to yell at him?" Troy asks. "I'm excellent at yelling."

"It's not his fault," I say. "I wasn't honest with him."

"And he didn't forgive you?" Luke's eyes are narrow.

"He's not like that," I say. "He shouldn't forgive me."

"Did you cheat on him?"

"I would never do that."

For some reason, Troy and Luke exchange glances again.

Troy takes out his phone, and I tense. I know I'll be able to see the moment where he sees the story.

And then I do.

His face sobers, and his eyes soften. I hate that he looks sorry for me. I hate it.

"Finn tried to annul your marriage?" Troy asks.

I give a miserable nod. Tears burn my eyes, and I blink rapidly and square my shoulders and pretend I'm fine.

Luke and Troy exchange glances.

"Let's get out of here," Troy says. "Come. No more jogging."

I stop the treadmill.

"Do you need somewhere to stay?" Luke asks.

"Um..."

"Because we have room," Troy says.

"I can get a hotel."

"No way," Troy says. "That sounds depressing. Come with us."

"You don't mind?"

"Nope."

"Actually, that would be great." Relief moves through me, and some of the frenetic energy inside me calms.

"You're our friend too," Troy says, and I don't really believe it, but I nod anyway.

"It's going to be okay," Luke says, but we all know he's lying.