Chapter Five

Five

Shawn

I’m seriously considering not going to the address of the diner that Lucas gave me. I’m still irritated that he towed my car without telling me, but I also feel kind of strange about what happened last night. It was fucking amazing, but maybe it was a mistake.

All those feelings I used to have when I lived with them just came rushing back. Lucas’s house was the first place I ever truly felt safe. His parents—Richard and Katharine—were nice, but it was Natalie and Lucas who I connected with. They took me right into their circle of friends without hesitation.

On one of my first nights there, I had a nightmare, the kind that’s a memory that won’t leave. Lucas had been staying with a friend, and it was Natalie I woke with my scream. She’d come to my room and gotten in the bed with me. I didn’t speak a word at the time. I couldn’t. But she stayed with me until I fell back asleep. She never brought it up either.

I blink wetness from my eyes and focus on the road. Natalie didn’t deserve to die. If I could, I would’ve taken it from her. She had a whole family that loved her. I had nothing. Fate should’ve latched onto me instead.

When the diner comes into view, I take a deep breath before steering the car into a parking space. Lucas’s truck is already parked in a spot closer to the back. The cab is empty.

My fingers tighten on the steering wheel. I could just leave. I’m sure Lucas is inside thinking I might not even show up. It’s so much easier to just leave before you get attached to anyone. I let myself love Lucas and Natalie, and I lost them both.

I might’ve acted like last night was nothing but an itch to scratch, but I feel the truth burrowing deep inside me. If I let Lucas back into my life, I’m going to fall in love with him again.

***

Despite my logical side trying to fight me, I go inside the diner to meet up with Lucas. No matter what happens between us, it won’t matter. Because I already have jobs lined up after Charleston, and I’m not just going to blow those off to stay with Lucas. I left him once before and it didn’t kill me. I can do it again.

He glances up when I walk in the door, and I don’t miss the flash of disbelief in his eyes that he tries to hide. Last night, he made it seem like missing me was all about the physical aspects of the relationship we once had, but there’s a vulnerability on his face right now that says otherwise.

When I reach the table, I take the booth across from him and rest my arms on the cold Formica.

Lucas’s gaze drops to my hands, and his eyes darken. “Shawn…you should’ve told me the belt was too tight.”

“Huh?” For a second, I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I follow his gaze to my hands, where purple bruises encircle both my wrists. “Oh. Don’t worry about those. I didn’t even really notice them.”

That only makes his eyes darken further. “You know it’s not healthy to be in pain and not even notice it.”

“I’m not in pain.” I press on the bruise on my left arm to prove it and then wish I hadn’t because it actually does sting a little. But I hide it and glance back up at him. “Relax, Lucas. I’m a grown-up, okay? I can take care of myself.”

“But—”

“And I liked it,” I interrupt. “So just leave it alone.”

The smallest glint of pride shines in his eyes, pushing away some of the darkness. “Okay. Fine. But next time, I’m tying the knot a little looser.”

Despite how much I try to stop it, heat pools in my belly. “Next time?”

He shrugs. “If you’re lucky.”

“Kiss my ass.” I grab a menu and open it, even though the words don’t make a lot of sense right now. I can feel Lucas watching me, and that does nothing to douse the fire spreading throughout my body.

When the waitress comes, I just order a burger and fries, and Lucas orders the same without taking his eyes off me. It’s different from how he was when I first came to live with them. I know I should’ve expected it, but it’s strange.

When we first started messing around when we were teens, Lucas was completely new at it. All he’d ever done was kiss a couple of his classmates. I’d already fucked a few guys. Some because I wanted to, and some because I was on the street and needed some cash. Lucas had been skittish. Blushed every time I touched him. Last night, he took control of my body in a way that no one ever had before.

I’m dying to do it again.

We’re quiet until our food arrives, but once the waitress leaves again, Lucas asks, “How long are you in Charleston for?”

“Until the end of the week. Then I’ve got a job up in Charlotte.”

He nods as he shakes salt over his fries. “I’m glad you’re doing something you love.”

“What about you? You like landscaping?”

“Yeah. I like being out in nature. Reminds me of Natalie.”

My appetite disappears at the mention of her name. She had loved being outside. She used to take me out to this nature preserve in the next city over, and we’d spend the day there. I’d been so angry when I moved in with them, in pain from the last horrible place I’d been in. Natalie had taken me out to the preserve and spent hours with me there, letting the beauty slowly push out some of the darkness eating at me.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for her.” The words slip out of me before I can stop them. But I mean the apology. Why I left doesn’t matter; it’s that I left without so much as a goodbye. I didn’t even give them the chance to tell me goodbye either. I guess at the time, I told myself they didn’t care much anyway.

“Yeah…” Lucas clears his throat and meets my gaze. “What happened, Shawn? I know I threw some anger last night and said you were scared to stay because of Natalie, but I was just pissed. I know you wouldn’t have run away because of that.”

I glance away from him, staring down at my half-eaten food. I can’t tell him the truth. How am I supposed to tell him that I heard his parents talking about regretting taking me in? Would he even believe me? Lucas was always so close with his mom and dad. I imagine they’ve only gotten closer through the trauma of losing Natalie.

“Shawn?” Lucas presses when I stay silent.

“It was a lot of things,” I finally say because it’s not technically a lie.

“Like…?”

I fall silent again. The truth is, if I’d never heard his parents talking, I wouldn’t have left. It was the best place I’d ever lived in. No one beat me; I didn’t have to barricade the door at night while I slept because someone had wandering hands. I didn’t have to pay rent or make money. Their only rule was to go to school and not get in legal trouble.

Lucas sighs and runs a hand through his brown hair. Then he pushes his plate to the side and leans forward. “Was it me? Was it something we did together?”

The fact that he’s worried about that saddens and touches me at the same time. I never really talked about the homes I’d been in before coming to theirs, but it wasn’t hard to guess the things that had happened. I had the scars to prove it. Lucas had always been gentle and patient.

“No,” I say. “Don’t ever think that.”

Relief fills his eyes, and guilt twists my stomach. How long has he thought he did something to make me leave? Was it this whole time?

“Then what happened?” Lucas asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

His jaw clenches, but he lifts his hands in surrender. “Fine.”

“I’m sorry.” I don’t mean to say it because it’s like admitting that I’m in the wrong even though I know I did what was best. But I hurt him, and that’s what I’m really sorry for.

He’s quiet for a second before sliding his plate back in front of him and digging back into his food.

I can only pick at mine now. Which is terrible because the food is really good. But my stomach is in a knot. Lucas is angry with me. He’s trying to act like it’s not a big deal that I won’t talk, but I see it in the set of his shoulders. The grim line of his mouth.

I should never have come to lunch with him.

“I should go,” I say, reaching for my wallet. “I have to drive out to the botanical gardens.”

Lucas glances up to look at me, and I do my best to keep my expression neutral. It’s a trick I learned a long time ago. Never let someone see you upset. It’s just ammunition for them to use against you later.

Even though I know logically Lucas wouldn’t do that, my heart’s not getting on board. Because the part of me still stuck in old foster homes and my birth home remembers what a bad idea it is to be vulnerable around someone. Even if that person only ever showed me kindness.

“Don’t worry about the meal,” Lucas says. “I got it.”

I pull a twenty out anyway. I’ve been paying for my own stuff for a long time, and just like with the car, I don’t like the idea of owing Lucas anything.

His gaze flicks from the bill I place on the table up to my eyes. Then a sad smile pulls at his lips. “Well, I guess this is goodbye then.”

I swallow and give him a nod, then turn and start for the door. But before I make it too far from the table, I can’t stop myself from turning back to find him watching me still.