Chapter 65

65

ZACH

I arrived at Sean's with Daisy and a half-dozen doughnuts just before nine on Saturday morning. Sean and Rusty answered the door together, with Lauren pushing her way through the two of them to say hello. She giggled when Daisy greeted her with enthusiastic kisses to the face until Sean grabbed Daisy's collar and convinced her to give Lauren some space. The kids eagerly snarfed down the doughnuts while I sipped my coffee, pretending not to notice when they snuck Daisy a few nibbles. Once the doughnuts were gone and we'd washed sticky fingers and faces, I declared it was time to get to work.

Two and a half hours later, we'd wrangled the yard into something much more manageable. We'd cleaned and organized the yard toys, both boys had taken turns with the mower, and we'd removed the weeds that had climbed the back fence like a trellis. For her part, Lauren had covered the driveway, patio, and sidewalks with a colorful display of chalk art, and we finished by arranging the potted flowers I'd bought in front of the garage and on the front steps. I thought they added some cheer to the place.

We stepped back to admire our handiwork and I snapped a couple of pictures and sent them to Jason before we packed up the tools and put everything away. Sean and I took a moment to sit on the front stoop with Daisy while Rusty took Lauren inside to help her clean off the chalk she had all over her and then get started on lunch. The kids had done a great job today, not complaining once, despite the rough work and heat. I only wished I could be here to see Sarah's face when she got home.

"Thanks for showing me how to do all that stuff today. Now I can help out more."

My heart clenched, remembering what Sarah had said the first time I came over about Sean always offering to do extra chores. "It's a nice thing you did for your aunt, and you guys did a great job. It was fun hanging out here today."

He snorted in that way only teenagers could, conveying his skepticism. "Yeah, right. I'm sure you would've rather been hanging out with your boyfriend."

I couldn't help but smile at his use of the word boyfriend, despite the snarky tone. I was still wrapping my head around the fact that Jason and I were actually dating. Being able to call him my boyfriend was a gift.

"Jason had to work today, but even if he hadn't, we still would have been here hanging out with you guys. We just would have had an extra set of hands."

"Why? You could probably be doing a thousand cooler things than yard work with us."

"I happen to like hanging out with kids. I'm a coach, remember?"

I wanted to put my arm around him. I wanted to hug the kid and give him the reassurance he so clearly needed. I knew now that Sarah really did care about him, but I had no idea what kind of affection she showed him. After my mom passed, I'd become touch-starved and hadn't realized it.

As a teenage boy, I'd been past the point of needing hugs, or so I'd thought, until the one person who still regularly hugged me was gone. It wasn't until I found Drea crying one day and had pulled her in for a hug that I'd realized how much I needed one too.

But Sean wasn't mine to hug. He wasn't a sibling or a cousin or any other kind of relation to me. He was a kid I coached, though I supposed I was more invested in him than I typically would be with any other kid. Still, I refrained, opting instead to nudge his knee with mine.

"You got quiet. Everything okay?"

"Do you still miss your mom?" He pulled one of his legs up and rested his chin on his knee.

"Every single day."

He turned his head away from me so I couldn't see his face, but I still heard him when he said, "I just want it to stop hurting. Does it ever stop hurting?"

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, thinking through my response. The responsibility my words carried was heavy. I didn't want to fuck this up.

"Honestly, no. I still miss her and it still hurts." I heard a sniffle and suspected he was crying. Daisy wiggled herself next to him and laid her head on his feet with a sigh. "And this first year without her…I won't lie. It's going to be tough. But you sort of just put one foot in front of the other and figure out how to live with it."

"What if I can't? What if it's too hard?"

"Have you had days like that? When it feels too hard?"

"All the days are hard." God, I ached for him.

"They are," I agreed. "What do you do when it's especially hard?"

He sniffled again, his arm coming up, I was assuming to wipe at his eyes. "I don't know. I just sort of get quiet and don't say much. Keep to myself. Sometimes I get pissy and say shit…sorry, stuff…to my cousins, and then I feel bad later. Sometimes, I go to my room and cry. Except I share with Rusty, so sometimes I go in the bathroom."

"I do all of those things too."

Finally, he turned and looked at me, his face tear-streaked and his eyes red-rimmed. "You cry?"

"I do. I cried just the other day. Sometimes life is overwhelming and the emotions bubble up and spill out. It's part of being human."

"I hate it."

I chuckled. "I don't always like it either, but I often feel better after. And you know what helps the most? I still talk to her. Sometimes out loud, sometimes just in my mind. Sometimes, it's just a few words about my day, and sometimes, I ramble on and on. It makes me feel like she's still with me."

"I don't know. I might feel weird doing that."

"Maybe. And just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for you. But you could try it. And if you feel weird talking, maybe you could write it down. It could be like you're writing her letters."

"Yeah, maybe."

I was a little out of my depth here, and I realized that perhaps I wasn't the only one who might benefit from therapy. I made a mental note to find a way to bring it up with Sarah later.

"You can talk to your aunt about this stuff, you know. She loves you."

"She's always busy with work and her own kids. I don't want to bug her."

"You know you're not a burden, right? Your aunt is busy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want you here."

"Yeah, I guess." His voice was so sad, so dejected, and I didn't know how to fix it. I felt helpless when he stood up. "Thanks again for helping today. I'm gonna go see if Rusty needs help with Lauren."

My heart sank. I couldn't help but feel like I'd bungled this whole conversation, but I didn't know how to backtrack and make it right. "Okay. I'll bring Daisy over again soon."

"Thanks," he muttered, then turned around and went inside.

Dammit.

I stewed about the conversation with Sean all afternoon. Jason wasn't there to provide a distraction and I'd called Drea to see if she wanted to hang out, but she was spending the day with some friends in Omaha. After all the work I'd put in before and during camp, I'd been looking forward to some downtime, and now that I had it, I didn't know what to do with it. I'd been training or competing my entire life. I wasn't built to sit idle.

Which left me with way too much time to think. About the changes in my relationship with Jason. About the things Sean had told me. About my own mental health concerns. All of it. If they ever made overthinking an Olympic sport, I'd be the fucking gold medalist.

I was sitting in the lounger out back, reading the same paragraph in my book for the third time, when my phone rang. Seeing it was Sarah, I swiped to answer, my heart flip-flopping in my chest, suddenly nervous about her reaction to our surprise.

"I'm told you're responsible for helping the boys tackle the yard today?"

"I hope that's okay. The kids and I just wanted to?—"

"Zach, this is maybe the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a very long time. I can't believe you did this for us. I just…I don't know how to thank you."

"You work hard, and I just wanted to help. And now the boys know how to mow, so they can help you with it more."

"I've been meaning to show them, but there just never seems to be enough time. I just…"

"I get it. And look, you are clearly a strong woman, but you're also human. Everyone needs help sometimes."

"Asking for help isn't something I've ever been very good at. Sean's mom and I leaned on each other a lot, but with her gone…" There was a quiver in her voice, and I heard her take a couple of deep breaths before she continued, "Anyway, I just wanted to thank you."

"You're very welcome. I enjoyed hanging out with the kids. I'll send you a couple of pictures. Lauren was covered in chalk by the time we were finished."

"Oh, believe me, I heard all about it. She was chattering ninety miles an hour when I walked in the door."

I smiled, picturing Lauren's blue eyes shining brightly and her cheeks flushed with excitement as she told her mom all about making the yard "pretty."

"I'm not surprised," I said with a smile, already thinking about the next time I could bring Daisy over and hang out with them. I'd connected with this family because of Sean, but I was becoming smitten with all of them.

An idea occurred to me, and without thinking it through, I asked, "What are you all doing next weekend?"

"I'm working the day shift on Saturday and the dinner shift on Sunday. I thought I might take the kids to the pool on Sunday before heading to work, but I hadn't decided for sure. Why?"

"Jason and I are heading to the county fair on Saturday. I thought maybe I could take the kids."

"You want to take three kids to the fair?" Her voice was laced with a fair amount of incredulity. "Do you have any idea what you'd be getting yourself into?"

I laughed. "Oh, I have no doubt I'll be in over my head, but Jason will be with me. I bet we can manage between the two of us."

"You're serious?"

"I am."

"Why? Don't get me wrong. I appreciate you taking an interest in my kids. Lord knows they could use a positive male role model. But I've been a single mom for nearly two years. Longer, really, since their father was in and out of our lives for a long time before he died. Then you show up, and suddenly, you're invested. I just want to know why? Why us?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I liked working with kids when I was younger, but I can't say I spent a lot of time around them until I started the camp. And then I got to know Sean, and you guys, and I just…I find myself wanting to make your lives a little better. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, and if you want me to back off, I will. I'll be bummed because I genuinely like your kids, but I'll respect your wishes."

My heart beat faster as I waited for her response. I was sure that from her perspective, it did seem odd that a guy like me had inserted himself into their lives, and I could only hope she wouldn't cut me off.

"I can't say I understand it, but no, I don't want you to back off. I'm pretty sure they'd revolt if you did, and I'd never hear the end of it. Are you wanting to take them on Saturday or Sunday?"

"Saturday."

"Alright, if you're sure you can handle them, go for it."

"Awesome!"

We disconnected the call, agreeing to touch base later in the week to firm up our plans. It wasn't until after dinner that I realized I hadn't brought up my concerns about Sean's mental health. I decided to research therapists who worked with children and figure out what financial options were available before presenting the information to her when we talked later in the week.

In the meantime, I'd just have to do my best to keep an eye on Sean when I could and hope that was enough.