Chapter 40

40

ZACH

I woke with a start, sitting up in bed and gasping for air as the images from the dream continued to flash through my mind.

There was a car upside down in a ditch, with all the windows busted out and glass spread across the highway, sparkling in the moonlight like glitter.

"No, no, no, no, no," I muttered to myself like a mantra as I raced to get to the nondescript car.

The harder I tried to run, the farther away the car seemed to be, like I was running on a treadmill rather than pavement faded and cracked from the elements. It was a black sedan, unlike any car we'd ever owned, yet I knew someone I cared about was inside. I blinked, and suddenly, I was right next to the car, my feet wet and muddy as if I'd slid down the embankment trying to get to it, though I had no memory of that happening. I yanked open the door to find my mother in the seat, eyes closed and head bleeding. And though the car had been upside down when I'd been running toward it, it was suddenly right side up.

"Mom," I called out, reaching for her, trying to figure out if she was alive or dead, but as soon as I touched her, I realized the face I was now looking at was Drea's. I gasped, pushing her long hair out of her face, trying to see how bad the head wound was, coming away with blood all over my hand.

I stood up, looking around, straining my ears for the sound of emergency vehicles. "Help!" I called out, though we were in the middle of nowhere, so it wasn't likely anyone would hear me. "Somebody help me! Please! We need help!"

I leaned back down, peering into the car, but the face of the driver had changed again, and this time, it was Jason. "No! Baby, no! Not you!" I reached in, clenching his shirt in my fists, heedless of the blood on my hands as tears ran down my face and I sobbed frantically. "Wake up, J. You have to wake up. Please WAKE UP!"

I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to the darkness of the room. It was a dream , I reminded myself, still struggling to get my breathing under control. I turned back, looking over my shoulder at the sleeping form of the man I was pretty sure I was in love with, reassured that he was still here and very much alive.

I scrubbed a hand over my face, trying to shake off the grip the dream still had on me. My breathing had slowed to a more reasonable rate, though I could still feel my heart hammering in my chest. Knowing I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for a while and not wanting to wake Jason, I quietly rose from the bed, crossing into the bathroom to get a drink of water.

Feeling a little more settled, I stepped back into my room, pulling on Jason's hoodie and rubbing my hands up and down my arms to warm up. I wasn't sure if there was a chill in the room or if my chill was due to the remnants of the dream. Either way, I was definitely unsettled, and Jason's lingering scent embedded in the hoodie comforted my rattled nerves.

I stepped over to the window, looking out over the lake, which had always brought me peace. Snow was falling a bit harder now, blanketing the trees and banks of the lake in white, while the water remained a dark black mass in the center. It was eerily beautiful.

I hadn't been lying when I'd told Jason the week had caught up with me. The conversations I'd had with my father this morning had left me feeling heavy with worry and anxious over the hurt I'd caused him. He'd been politely distant the rest of the afternoon, making it difficult to tell if he was still processing or if I'd pushed him away for good. Add in the discussion I'd had with my advisor, and I'd turned into a knot of worry.

My professors understood my situation, but there was still no substitute for being present in class, and my advisor had kindly but firmly let me know that the sooner I returned, the better. I'd booked my return flight after lunch, hating that it meant I might leave Drea before she was truly awake and dreading the moment I'd have to leave Jason.

He'd become my rock this week. I'd come to depend on his quiet, steady presence, turning to him when I found myself upset or worried or just needing some comfort. I wasn't sure how I would survive without his big bear hugs or sleep without being wrapped up in his arms.

My father had asked me if I was in love with Jason, and I couldn't help but think about the answer to that question now. I'd said I might be , but as I'd thought about it throughout the afternoon, I'd become more and more convinced the answer was yes .

No one had ever made me feel the things Jason did. I'd never experienced the kind of effortless intimacy I did with him. Not just sexual intimacy, which was amazing, but the intimacy of knowing someone. Of being known. The vulnerability in sharing your deepest fears and insecurities and still being cared for despite them. He'd opened a side of myself I hadn't even known existed. I was more… me when I was with him than I'd ever been with anyone else. And wasn't that what it meant to be loved? To be known and seen and still be wanted anyway?

Jesus . Did that mean he loved me too? He hadn't said as much, but knowing Jason the way I did now, I suspected that was the case. And why was that so much scarier? It was one thing to risk giving your heart to someone, but to hold theirs in return? To be responsible for the care of it? God, the thought of that had my heart rate firing up all over again. Who was I to bear that kind of weight?

"Zach?"

Jason's voice interrupted my spiral. I heard the rustle of bedcovers behind me and then felt the heat of his body pressed against my back as he wrapped his arms around me, looking over my shoulder at the lake beyond.

"What are you doing over here?" he asked, his breath tickling my ear.

I breathed deep, inhaling his scent, drawing on the strength and warmth his body offered. "I had a bad dream."

His grip tightened ever so slightly. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was soft, soothing my momentary panic.

"No. I'm feeling better now."

We stood like that, with his arms wrapped around me from behind, head resting on my shoulder, watching the snowfall. I felt my mind quiet, my body relax, and finally, I felt ready for sleep again.

"Let's go back to bed."

He released me, though he kept one of my hands in his, and pulled me back toward the bed. He climbed in first, holding up the covers, indicating I should climb back in. I did so, and he dropped the blanket over us, the bed still warm from his body heat, making me feel like I was nestled in a cocoon of comfort. He wrapped me tight in his arms, just as he'd done every night this week, and whispered, "Sleep. I've got you."