Chapter 33

33

JASON

It was around lunchtime when Zach's father returned. At some point, Zach had leaned forward, resting his head on the edge of the bed near where their hands were clasped. I had moved my hand to his back, rubbing soothing circles until the rhythmic rise and fall under my hand indicated he was asleep. My hand was still resting there when Mr. Jacobs' face appeared in the window. His eyes darted to where my hand rested, then back to my face with a raised brow, a question in his eyes that wasn't mine to answer. He didn't look angry though. More…surprised, and maybe a bit curious.

I rose, reluctant to leave Zach, but Mr. Jacobs had more right to be in the room than I did, so I crossed over and stepped out into the hallway, leaving Zach sleeping peacefully.

"Any change?" he asked, and my shoulders dropped with relief that he hadn't asked me a question I wasn't prepared to answer.

"No. The nurses checked on her about twenty minutes ago, but they didn't say much."

"How long has he been asleep?" He nodded toward Zach.

I shrugged. "An hour maybe?"

He blew out a breath. "They've always been close. Even before their mom…" His voice trailed off, and I didn't miss the shake in his tone. He took a breath, drawing on a strength I couldn't see, and surprised me with his next words. "Thanks for sitting with him. You're a good…friend."

I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I processed everything he wasn't saying. He hadn't said the word friend in such a way as to deny what we meant to each other but rather as a way of saying he understood we weren't ready to name it as something more. It felt like acceptance, and I was grateful.

I didn't think I could respond without expressing my depth of feeling for Zach, so I nodded.

"How's Mandy?" he asked, genuine concern in his eyes, surprising me once again. This man had always seemed so cold and distant. And, of course, I knew of the issues he and Zach had had in recent years. But at that moment, he was nothing but warm and kind, asking about my sister while his own daughter lay in a hospital bed just on the other side of the door.

"Mom texted a bit ago saying she'd woken briefly once or twice but wasn't very lucid and had mostly been sleeping. Now's probably a good time for me to go check in."

He put his hand on my shoulder. "I understand you were with the crew on-scene?"

"Yeah, though I wasn't any help." I looked down, color flooding my cheeks. "I kind of lost it when I realized it was Drea's car."

"Hey." He squeezed my shoulder, prompting me to look at him. "I'm glad to know you were there. I'm glad there was someone at the scene who cared about them."

I nodded, and after one more squeeze of my shoulder, he turned, wordlessly entering Drea's room, leaving me stunned in the hallway. The entire interaction with him had been unexpected, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. Shaking it off, I turned toward Mandy's room just a few doors down.

My steps were slow, while my heart beat faster the closer I got to her door. If I thought seeing Drea was tough, seeing my own sister would be monumentally harder. At least, that was how I'd built it up in my mind. And now I found myself frozen, standing in front of her door, afraid to enter. Afraid of what I'd see. Rationally, I knew she had a fighting chance at recovery. The doctors had said she was in serious condition, but she was young and healthy and had already shown some signs of improvement since she'd come out of surgery this morning.

But I wasn't rational. Really hadn't been since I lost my shit on-scene. Other than some tears shed, I'd managed to put on an appearance that I was holding it together. Underneath the surface, though, there was a tremor in my blood, a feeling that I was coming apart at the seams. It wasn't like me. I'd always been the calm one when everyone else panicked. It had made me a good lifeguard. A good teammate. I'd thought it would make me a good EMT. Now, I wasn't sure if that path was open to me anymore.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and through my dirty hair, and when I let them drop back down to my side, I caught my mom's eye through the glass of the door. No help for it—I couldn't turn back now—I opened the door and walked in.

Dad rose from his spot next to Mom, placed a kiss on her temple, then pulled me into a hug. I couldn't remember the last time I'd hugged my father. Not because we weren't close, but I supposed I'd outgrown hugs at some point. Perhaps we should do so more often. "I'll give you some time with her," he said in my ear. "Be good to stretch my legs."

He patted me on the shoulder as he released me and headed for the door while I took his spot next to my mom. Wordlessly, she reached her hand out to me, and I took it, noting how soft and smooth it felt compared to Zach's. Odd that I'd gotten used to the feel of a man's hand in mine in such a short amount of time.

Steeling myself, I forced myself to look toward the bed. Mandy's blonde hair had been braided, though I wasn't sure if she'd worn it that way the day of the accident or if someone had taken the time and care to do it that way since. She had some bruising across her temple and cheekbone, and her leg was wrapped in a cast from just below the knee down to her foot, though there was a thick fuzzy sock covering her toes. Unlike Drea's, Mandy's cast was white. All in all, she looked like she'd faired better than Drea. Though I knew she had some bruising under her gown where the seatbelt had done its job, and the doctors had mentioned some internal bleeding we obviously wouldn't be able to see.

I let out a shaky breath, relief flooding through me so fast I almost felt dizzy.

"She was awake for just a few minutes a little while ago," Mom said. "Seemed pretty groggy, which the doc said was normal, but it was still a relief to see her open her eyes for a few minutes."

"That's good." I squeezed her hand. "Zach's with Drea. She's on a ventilator, and they're still keeping her sedated for now."

"Poor girl. She's a sweet one, that Drea. And I'm sure it's hard on all of 'em after losing Zach's mom the way they did."

"Yeah, he sort of panicked when he saw her." I didn't want to go into details out of respect for Zach's privacy, but this was my mom, and I needed to talk about it.

She made a little humming sound of affirmation. "How are you holding up?"

I shrugged, not knowing how to tell her about the guilt I felt, the shame of panicking on-scene like I had. And the fear I wouldn't be able to do my job again. Not to mention the way all of this was tied up with Zach's family and mixed with the complicated feelings I had for him.

"I was terrified for them." I looked down at the bandage on my hand from where I'd cut it on the glass, trying to get into the car. I forged on, suddenly wanting to get it out there with the one person I knew would love me anyway. "I lost my head. Screamin' and hollerin', trying to get to them inside the car. They had to pull me away. Chief threatened to put me in handcuffs."

"Your love may not be loud, but you love big. Always have."

"Maybe. But it's my job to keep a cool head. To survey the situation so I can make life-saving decisions. Or at least that's supposed to be my job. On this run, I was only supposed to be observing. Instead, I made a scene and got in the way."

"You're human. You reacted as anyone would in a situation like that."

I shrugged, dismissing her assessment. She was my mom. She was supposed to say comforting shit like that. But it didn't change the fact that I'd embarrassed myself and, more importantly, gotten in the way of the other folks doing their job. I wasn't sure if I'd ever forgive myself.

"Oh, baby. Come here," she said, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me close.

I went willingly, needing the type of comfort only my mom could offer, resting my head on her shoulder and blinking back the tears that threatened to fall once again. I was tired of crying. Tired of the guilt and self-pity. I should be focused on my sister and Drea. And Mom should be focused on Mandy, not my issues.

My stomach grumbled, reminding me I hadn't really eaten breakfast unless you counted that sludge resembling coffee from the cafeteria, but that wasn't really food. Mom chuckled, and I sat up. "Why don't you boys go on and grab a bite. Maybe head home for a shower and a nap. You've got to be exhausted."

"You'll call if…"

"One of us will get ahold of you if there's any change."

"Yeah, okay." I stood up, yawning as I stretched. I looked at Mandy once more, wishing she was awake so I could tell her…well, I wasn't sure what I'd say, but it would be a relief to see her eyes. To hear her voice. With a sigh, I turned to Mom. "You want me to bring you back anything?"

"No. Your dad picked up everything I need."

"Alright. Then I suppose I'll go see if Zach wants to go." I turned and headed for the door but paused and turned back. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too."