Chapter 32

32

ZACH

With a numb sense of detachment, I made my way down the short hallway to Drea's room. I'd lived a thousand lives since I'd gotten the call nearly twelve hours before, yet I'd only cried once in that time. From the moment I crossed the threshold into the hospital, I'd felt…worry and fear and frustration, of course, but it had all been muted, as if those thoughts and feelings were outside of my body, a great distance away. I supposed it was what people meant when they said they were having an out-of-body experience.

A part of me felt guilty for not being more upset. For not losing it like my father or Jason had. Yet I also felt a sense of gratitude for being able to be there for them when they needed to fall apart.

I stepped into Drea's room, taking in the sight of my only sister, younger than me, yet often wiser, and it was as if everything, all of those distant feelings, slammed into me all at once. It was a direct hit to the center of my chest, and it hurt . Hurt in a way nothing had since Mom died. And even that had been different, though no less acute. That had been sudden, a complete and total shock, followed by utter devastation.

Drea's accident had been a shock, to be sure, but I'd had twelve hours to prepare myself for seeing her. I hadn't prepared though. I hadn't allowed myself to think about what she would look like in this moment, lying in bed, her dark hair spread around her on the pillow, with tubes and wires connecting her to God knew what. Her chest rose up and down, but it was rhythmic in a mechanical way as the ventilator did the breathing for her.

Her skin was pale and bruised, in stark contrast to the bright-pink cast on her wrist. It was wrong, all wrong. She'd never have chosen that color. She'd have gone with something more muted if it was available, lavender perhaps.

There was a lump in my throat and a knot in my chest, but the tears wouldn't fall. I tried to pull in a breath, but the air wouldn't come. My body was betraying me. I tried again to draw air into my lungs but only managed a shallow breath. I was having a panic attack.

I turned back, sliding open the door, intending to find a doctor or nurse or someone who could help me, but I ran into a solid wall of muscle. Jason grabbed me by the shoulders, steadying me.

"I…I…" I gasped, trying to get the words out.

"Breathe, honey."

I shook my head, still unable to take in air. The pressure in my chest was squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, and I thought I might pass out.

"Look at me."

My eyes snapped open, locking on his. I hadn't even realized I'd closed them. He placed my hand in the center of his chest, then one of his hands on mine. I could feel the steady beat of his heart underneath my palm. I tried to focus on it, but my mind was racing as I struggled to release the vice squeezing my chest.

"Breathe with me."

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. I'd already tried that. Didn't he know I was trying to breathe?

"Come on, honey. Just try. Even if it's a small one. Eyes on me. Breathe with me."

He began taking shallow breaths, matching the pace of my own, coaxing me into breathing just a little deeper each time. He started a counting pattern, tapping his index finger against my chest with each count. In for four, out for seven, repeating the pattern over and over in his smooth bass until, eventually, the vice on my chest released and I could breathe on my own. His eyes never left mine the entire time.

It was then that the tears finally came, a flood of them, running down my cheeks in rivers. Jason pulled me into his chest, wrapping his big arms around me, one hand at my nape, running his fingers through my hair while making shushing noises in my ear. Just like the breathing, I eventually got myself under control and pulled myself out of Jason's arms, surprised to see the tear tracks on his face. I hadn't realized he had been crying too.

I reached up and thumbed away the moisture. "You okay?"

He chuckled. "Are you?"

I took a shaky breath, relieved that I could still take in air despite my bout of tears. "Yeah. I just…seeing her like that…with wires coming out of her and all the bruises and bandages…it just…freaked me out, I guess."

"I think that's normal. It's scary to see someone you care about looking like that."

I nodded, knowing he was likely thinking about his reaction to seeing the girls at the accident scene. "Thank you for…" I waved my hand vaguely in front of me, hoping he got the gist. "Why did you come down here? I thought you were going to go see Mandy?"

He took my hand in his. "You have nothing to thank me for. And Dad got back and wanted to see Mandy, so I came looking for you. I wanted to be close by in case you needed me."

A warm sense of gratitude flooded me. I wasn't sure how I'd found someone this kind. He always put others first, me included. I didn't think I would ever be enough to deserve him. He was truly one of the best people I'd ever met.

I let out a breath. "I think I want to go back in there. Will you come with me?" His eyes flicked to the door behind me, worry creasing his brow. God, I was a selfish asshole. I forgot that he was still dealing with the trauma of finding them on-scene. "It's okay if you're not ready," I rushed out. "I think I can handle it now."

He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "No, I think I need to see her. And it'll be easier with you." He squeezed my hand, giving me a small smile.

"Are you sure?" I asked, searching his eyes. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

"I'm good. Promise."

I turned, pulling him behind me as I opened the door to Drea's room and stepped inside. This time, I was prepared for the whir of the ventilator and beeping of the machines, but I kept a close eye on Jason, unsure how he'd react. I knew he'd done some clinical rotations at the hospital in Brinkley, but I thought it was probably different with someone you knew.

He gave me a small nod, and we proceeded farther into the room, going around to the other side of the bed and taking a seat. I pulled the chair closer, sitting down and taking her small hand in mine. I wasn't in the habit of holding hands with my sister and had most recently adjusted to the feel of Jason's much larger hand in mine, so by contrast, hers felt frail and small. Still, it was a comfort to have that contact, as if I could feel her life force flowing through her fingers.

I heard a sniffle and turned to see Jason swiping at his eyes. I offered my free hand to him, and he took it, lacing his fingers through mine. "I didn't realize until now just how much I care about her. She and Mandy are thicker than thieves. It kinda feels like Drea's my sister too."

My heart hitched. I couldn't say I felt quite the same way with Mandy. I cared about her, of course, but I'd been gone for months at college while Jason had been home. And during that time, I knew both girls had grown even closer than last year. Jason had witnessed their sleepovers and movie nights while I'd been absent. It would make sense that he'd feel a closeness with Drea that I simply hadn't had a chance to develop with Mandy. And Drea just had a way of drawing people in and making them feel special. No doubt, she'd done so with Jason.

I squeezed his hand. "I'm sure she feels the same way about you. You'll have to tell her when she wakes up."

He nodded solemnly, and I turned back to look at her sleeping face.

We sat like that for hours, just watching her sleep, her chest rising and falling with the pump of the ventilator. Nurses came and went, checking her vitals and making notes on their charts. And still, we sat. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so many things I was feeling, but it was locked up tight, like a knot in my chest that I didn't know how to untangle.

So I didn't say anything as I held her hand and watched her sleep.