Chapter Five

The sound of the waterfall wrapped around us like a Hallelujah chorus. My breath came in short gasps, and caught in my throat every time he moved his hands a millimeter. Tiny water beads formed over his shoulders that peaked out of the water, I couldn't tear my eyes away from his body, eyes, or lips. I felt muscles low inside of me tighten with anticipation as his hands travelled over my back innocently avoiding anything provocative.

"Jez, I don't think it would be right for me to mark you this soon, you are letting your hormones and emotions cloud your judgment," Stefan said calmly, his eyes downcast and to the side so he didn't look at me at all.

"You don't want me?" I asked, feeling rejection settle in.

"Of course I want you, Jez, but I want us to know each other better first." He said sweetly. "And because I have to break up with my girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend." I said and pushed away from him.

"Yes, but I've found my mate now, I want to be with you." He said simply.

"I don't know why I'm surprised, you are an alpha." I swam backwards till I was at least ten feet away. "Of course you have experience."

"I guess, but I only want you now." He said again.

"I think we should head back," I said my voice slightly empty, all I could see were images of Stefan with other women. He has a girlfriend, and he was pissed at me because I wasn't a virgin. Typical misogynistic alpha male double standard bullshit.

"I didn't want to tell you about Ali, but I figured you would be angrier if I didn't say something."

"You're right, but that doesn't mean it isn't going to bother me a bit," I said calmly making my way up to the ledge and turning my back to him. I couldn't look at him right now. I knew that I was going to have to let it go, but at the moment I didn't want to hear about his girlfriends.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked sincerely.

"Nothing," I squealed my head whipping around to look at him. "I just don't like thinking about you with other women when I tell you that I want you, and that I want you to mark me, that's all. You didn't do anything wrong, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a bit. Or you know, the whole reason we fought is because I'm not a virgin, when you are the one with a girlfriend" I turned back to stare at the black and green rocks in front of me. The moss was slick here because it was so wet. I was picking a fight and I knew it.

"I'm sorry, it's just that usually we find our mates when we are around sixteen, and I didn't find you until now and I'm twenty-three." He explained. Wait, he is explaining… I'm so winning. "Usually if you haven't found your mate by now, you don't find them, which is one reason why I'm smart enough to take things slow because we are going to have all the time in the world to be together, and there is no need to rush, I have you now."

"I know, I'm not mad or anything, I just want to go back." I said, feeling angry tears jump to my eyes.

Why did I want to cry? So he had a girlfriend? He was going to break it off and be with me, he only just found me, it was going to be fine. Sure, it bothered me thinking about him with other women. They took care of him when he didn't have me, and now he has me so it was going to be fine. He wanted to take things slow, but what about when he wanted sex? That's what was bothering me.

"Why are you lying to me?"

"Can we go now?" I asked, my voice sounded strange even to me, hollow almost.

"Okay," Stefan said, sounding unsure.

"How do we get back up?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know, I've never jumped down here." Stefan said seriously.

"WHAT?!" I screeched, whipping around.

"I couldn't tell you no when you asked if we could swim, you looked so cute." Stefan smiled.

"So you let me jump down here not knowing how we could get out safely?" I said getting angry.

"Aww, come on Jezzy, it was worth it to see you smile." He said sweetly, flashing me a heart melting smile.

My heart did exactly that, all I could think was, I'm in so much trouble.

"Here, I'll give you a boost and we can climb out." He laughed, "You're blushing by the way." He chuckled.

"Alright," I said, finding it hard to find words, I was so…was I nervous?

Stefan just laughed as he gave me a hand climbing out, I didn't even look at his nude body, and he made sure his eyes didn't linger on mine. Being wolves, we were pretty comfortable around nudity; it happens a lot in the shifter world. I looked up at the bluff and saw a fault line that looked like it wouldn't be too hard to scale. There were plenty of places to hold onto so I could climb it.

"Give me a boost up?" I asked him, honestly I didn't need it, I just wanted to feel his hands on my skin.

"Sure," Stefan smirked, probably seeing right through my ploy.

Unexpectedly, Stefan just picked me up, and slung me over his shoulder so my butt was right next to his face. A surprised squeal wrenched from my throat. Then we were shooting up the side of the cliff, and Stefan was doing it one-handed, because his other arm was protectively around my legs.

When tragedy strikes, the people involved remember everything that happens, from the moments before to the first, second, third, and fourth thoughts right after and everything in between. Not me, I don't ever want to remember what happened just then. From the moment when I heard the shotgun blast, to when I was back at the pack house in Stefan's bed, with Stella close by tending me. I shut down completely, I didn't want to think about what had happened, I didn't want to hear them when they broke the news to them that my abdomen was not healing properly, and it would be a miracle if I ever had children because of the scarring. I just wanted everyone to leave me be.

I didn't want to see Stefan's face, because he made me hate myself because I couldn't be angry with him for it, and then I hated myself for wanting to blame him.

I didn't want to see Stella, because all she did was bring me bad news, telling me I may not be able to have Stefan's pups. I wouldn't have babies. I may not have wanted kids now, but it didn't mean I didn't want kids ever. I didn't even want to see Jason, because Jason was angry at Stefan for causing all of this, and that just brought me back to not wanting to see Stefan and hating myself.

Stella put me on bed rest until I recovered in a few days at the very least. She wanted to make sure my insides healed as best as they could, but she didn't seem hopeful that I could ever conceive.

I couldn't cry. No matter how horrible I felt about it, not one tear would squeeze out of my dry tear ducts. I felt empty and hollow. Which made sense, because I was always going to be empty. All emotions seemed to leave me, joy and sorrow escaped me alike. I had only had my mate for a day and had lost the chance at carrying on his line already. I guess that meant that I wasn't meant to be a mother, I wouldn't have made a good mom anyway, that is why this happened. Maybe, it was better this way. I kept saying things like that to myself over and over again, it was better this way.

I wasn't better off this way. I was fading away like chalk on a sidewalk. My spirit was broken, my wolf felt crushed, and I couldn't feel a thing. My thoughts continued to drift to Stefan as I lie there each day thinking of various and ultimately the same things every day. He deserved better than me. I couldn't help him procreate an heir, as an alpha it was expected for him to have a son to carry on with the pack after he was ‘out of office' so to speak. Now, things were complicated, he had every right to throw me out on the streets, because shifter law is very archaic stating that any shifter in a position of authority can reject his mate under the circumstances of adultery, inability to give an heir, or the inability to take on the roles of alpha female due to any crime against the pack, mental instability, or weakness. Basically, since I couldn't give him a son, he had the right to tell me get lost. It's an archaic and outdated custom, but still it was passed by the council so it was indisputable.

At the state I was in, I didn't want to argue about that. As far as I was concerned, Stefan did deserve better than me. I knew he wanted kids, but I couldn't have them now. He had every right to go seek out someone who could provide for him the family he wants. I just wanted to see him happy, even if that meant he should be with someone else.

"Jez?" Stefan's voice drifted over to me, drawing me away from my thoughts.

I just turned and looked at him, my face still that blank stare I didn't dare waver from for fear of crying. Emotionless was safe.

"I'm staying in here tonight, it is my room, and you're going to stay with me," he commanded.

I didn't argue, if that made him happy. I just nodded my head and scooted over, away from him and the door. I rolled over onto my side, and it was comfortable for me to sleep on my right side and it just so happened that when I did this I turned away from Stefan.

He didn't say another word; he climbed into bed after a few moments. I felt his warmth behind me. His power seeped around me offering me comfort if I let him. Before I could stop myself I found my body sliding closer to Stefan so our skin almost touched. I stiffened when I felt Stefan's hand touch my hip, slide to my stomach and pull me the last few inches so our bodies melded together. I relaxed completely as the icy flames tickled across my skin making me feel secure and safe. For the first time in days I felt sleepy. My mind and body finally felt relaxed enough that I finally began to cry quietly, mourning the loss of my unborn children, the chance at a family that I had never had.

As I started fading into sleep, I felt Stefan's fingers running through my hair gently. I drifted off into sweet oblivion, feeling the warmth of his body offering me safety.

The tree trunks whizzed by me. The wind pressed my fur to my skin with the speed I was running at. My heart raced in my chest; an erratic pitter pat that made my breathing come in short gasps. The knot in my belly tightened as I heard the clicks of a shotgun being cocked.

I rose from the bed screaming. I felt arms wrap around me and it sent me over the edge. Tears sprang from my eyes as the next scream ripped from my throat.

"No! Don't!" I screamed.

"Jez! It's me!" His voice screamed at me.

I screamed again. He was going to kill me, I had to get away. I had to run, I had to change.

I felt my skin start to heat up, my body started to shake as the fear sped my change along.

"Jez, you need to calm down, I'm not going to hurt you."

I continued to shake uncontrollably.

Then his skin touched mine. The knot in my stomach disappeared and the terror subsided. I relaxed into his arms and the tears continued to fall.

"It's okay," Stefan whispered, as he rubbed my back and held me.

"It's all my fault," I sobbed, my tears falling onto his bare shoulder.

"It's not your fault, baby." He consoled me.

I don't know how long I cried there in his arms, but days and days of holding in every ounce of emotion, it all came out in wave after wave of gut wrenching tears. I slowly stopped sobbing, and silent tears continued to fall. Stefan never wavered, he only held me tightly.

In time the tears subsided and we laid together in silence. I was comfortable just listening to Stefan's steady heartbeat. I finally was able to calmly think rationally. If anything I was coming down from the hormones. That's the only reason I was feeling that way. Maybe, it was the trauma, PTSD. Whatever it was, the bottom line was, I needed to move forward. That's one thing my life has taught me, was no matter how bad things get, I would survive if I focused on moving forward. Usually I had distracted myself with work. When I was twelve, one of my foster fathers had taught me about cars. I stayed with them just long enough for him to teach me the basics, and then I was off to a new home in six weeks. They ended up getting a divorce because he was spending too much time with his cars, but I think it was more because she was an alcoholic behind closed doors but she was also a master at disguise. She couldn't mask the whiskey I smelled on her every night when Jeff and I would come in from the garage. He had a '67 Camaro that he had re-built from the ground up over the years. The car had been his first car, and he totaled it on graduation night years ago. He never talked about the accident other than he lost his best friend; he named the car after her. The Camaro was painted a sultry red, and her name was Karen.

After I had been relocated, again, I found a job at Jeff's mechanic shop after school. At first it was just sweeping floors and he would pay me under the table, but as I got older, he started letting me do my own work and no matter where I was relocated to Jeff always had a job for me. He was the only one that could have had an inkling that I was running away, because I had put in my notice exactly two weeks before I had planned to disappear. At Jeff's I had repaired a lot of cars, but my specialties were rebuilding motorcycles. I had won Jeff's shop awards with my paint jobs that I airbrushed by hand, but I always let him take the credit. I hated being in the spot light. Even just a little public attention could cause problems.

"What are you thinking about?" Stefan's voice disrupted my thoughts bringing me back to the present.

"My old job," I replied honestly. He was going to learn everything about me at some point, it might as well start with the big ones. We had already covered the Madigans.

"What did you do?" he asked, to his credit he really did sound interested.

"I was a mechanic," I said nonchalantly.

"You know cars?" he asked.

"Yea, but I like working on motorcycles more," I said sitting up.

"Really?" he asked, genuinely sounding intrigued. "My bike has been acting up, every time I go to change gears the transmission acts like it's sticking and then takes forever to switch over. Think you can take a look at it?"

"Are you trying to distract me?" I asked cocking my head to the side in a teasing manner.

"Isn't that what you were doing inside your head before I asked you what you were thinking about? Clearly, you were thinking about work, I just gave you something to work on." Stefan stated bluntly.

He sat up and put his arm around me. In one way I was shocked that he would say something like that to me, but in another way I was thrilled that he could be blunt like I was and be able to figure me out so easily.

"Fair enough," was all I could come up with to say, because I wasn't mad at him for his comment, just caught off guard, but in a good way for me.

"So do you wanna see her?" Stefan asked.

I turned around to look at him, his body language told me that he was relaxed and that he was just trying to indulge me, but I could see the boyish excited light that glinted in his eyes.

"What kind of bike is she and what's her name?" I asked. "And can I borrow an old t-shirt of yours? I didn't bring many clothes with me, I wasn't expecting to be around here long."

"Uh sure," Stefan said, his grin spreading as he got out of bed.

"What's that smile for?" I said teasing.

"I'm just glad that you are interested in Beth." He said standing up and fishing through a drawer of t-shirts, he pulled one out that had to have been dangerously tight on his chest, with the sleeves cut off, and I would have to wear a tank top under it for it to be appropriate. He held it out to me and I looked at it like it was going to bite my hand.

"Do you want it or not?" he laughed.

"Doesn't that show a little too much skin?" I asked trying to figure out exactly how low the bottoms of the arm holes would come down to, and I could tell by looking at it, my breasts would not be completely covered; well my bra wouldn't be completely covered, I'd make damn sure the girls were.

"It's hot outside, and a shifter's temperature runs hotter than humans." He rationalized.

"It's not about it being skimpy, it's about it being too small for certain parts of my anatomy." I argued back. What was wrong with him? He should just pick another damn shirt.

I glared, I guess I could just wear a sports bra and the t-shirt. It's not like a bunch of people would see me, we were just going to the garage to check out Stefan's bike.

"What kind of bike is it?" I asked, grabbing the t-shirt and smirking at Stefan as he lost focus watching me take off the shirt I had on and toss his on over it. He was just staring at me for a good half minute before I waved my hand in front of his face in an attempt to bring him back to reality. It worked.

"Stefan?" I asked, whining a bit. "What kind of bike do you have?"

"It's a 1976 Harley- Davidson Electra Glide." Stefan rattled off still halfway dazed.

I laughed and sauntered up to him, drawing his eyes down the length of my body until they finally rose to mine. "That is sexy," I said running a finger down his chest to his waist.

"No, what's sexy is how you know bikes." He said wrapping a hand around my waist until his hand came to rest on my lower back, pressing lightly so I would move in closer. My hand rose up to settle on his bicep. His arms were so muscular that my hand only covered a small part of it.

"Oh you haven't seen the good stuff yet." I flirted.

He leaned into me keeping his eyes glued to mine gauging my reaction. I tilted my head slightly and leaning forward. When our lips finally touched; they started to tingle with heat that spread from my head to my toes filling me with electric jolts. I felt his other hand slide up to my jaw where he kept a tender touch sending icy chills across my cheek to the base of my skull.

I moaned lightly.

"Baby, if you keep making noises like that, we aren't ever going to make it out of the bedroom." He chuckled.

"Oh, well I guess we will have to hold out until you see me on your bike." I teased as I stepped away and slinked towards the door.

"Do you even know which way the garage is?" he laughed.

"I can smell sleek greasy heaven from miles away." I joked and skipped downstairs with Stefan close behind me.

When I got downstairs I saw the usual crowd hanging around in the living room. They all turned to look at us and I nodded making sure to acknowledge them. I was planning on being alpha female one of these days and the last thing I wanted to do was make enemies in our pack. Stefan expected me to be at his side and with a position like that I knew that I was under scrutiny.

We walked by them with pleasant smiles. The members of the pack respectfully bowed their heads and showed us the right side of their necks. It was the shifter's sign of respect to show the bare skin on the right side of the neck in submission. I felt pretty awkward seeing all these shifters submitting to us. Their submission meant that we were responsible for them. I hadn't thought about that part of being with Stefan. I was going to take on being responsible of the members of his pack. Like marrying into a family where the husband had kids already, I was becoming the step-mom, and I didn't want them to think I was the evil step-witch hell bent on getting my way. I decided then that I would be whoever the members of the pack would need me to be.

I turned back to look at Stefan who had his hand in mine and a similar smile on his face, but the gleam in his eye told me that he was happy; he didn't have to plaster a smile onto his lips. I selfishly took pride in the fact that I put that smile there. For once in my life, I was depended on. I felt joy that I was needed, but a slight tremor of fear that if I messed up these good people would be affected. In Stefan, I could see a future full of happiness and fulfillment.