Chapter 21

Tommy

Harley’s wordshaunted me all through my physical therapy session.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love or get married again.

That hurt on so many levels.

I hated that for her and even more for me because chances were that she would never love me again, much less marry me. And she was still the only woman I could imagine marrying. The most beautiful woman on earth as far as I was concerned. I could get lost in her gorgeous eyes and her sweet smile. I had dreams about digging my fingers into her soft, silky hair as I kissed her. I’d pictured her face every time I’d fucked someone else the last three years, sometimes simultaneously cursing myself for needing that fantasy of her to get myself off.

I wasn’t angry anymore, but I was battling disparate emotions.

I was still hurt that she’d left me without giving me a chance to understand what was happening.

I was relieved to finally know the truth, and to know that the two of them hadn’t had an affair.

That was selfish of me, but I’d really struggled with the idea of Harley cheating.

We’d been so in love it was hard to imagine her with anyone else.

Not then and not now.

Except that one time.

One night of fun that had changed the course of all of our lives. Carter had initiated it by walking in, but I’d been right there with him, totally down with watching him fuck my wife.

My wife.

The woman I loved.

My soulmate.

What had I been thinking?

There was no shame in getting wild between the figurative sheets. Harley and I had done that in spades when we’d been together. But bringing someone else into the bedroom had to be done cautiously, and I’d thrown caution to the wind, even knowing that Carter had a crush on her. Except it wasn’t a simple crush, and I’d known that too, but we’d always downplayed it because it was easier. On both of us.

And that one moment of… what had it been? Weakness? Wildness? Something else? Whatever it was, it had cost me almost everything. Somehow, I had to come to terms with the fact that I’d brought this on myself. If I hadn’t given Carter the go-ahead, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, and we’d probably still be married.

Fuck.

I had to stop thinking that way.

Too much had happened for us to find our way back to each other, and deep down that had always been my hope, that she would come back and tell me she’d made a mistake. That didn’t seem to be the case, though, and I had to accept it.

“Hey, Tommy.” Allisha smiled as I walked into her office and Harley, who was already there, smiled too.

“Hey.” I sank into a chair, wincing.

“Knee sore?” Harley asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. I might have pushed too hard at therapy.”

“You’re postponing those L.A. shows so you don’t have to push too hard,” she admonished me. “Give yourself time to heal.”

“Yes, dear.”

We all laughed, and Allisha got up to close her door. “So, what do we want to talk about today? I take it you’re both feeling better than you did yesterday?”

“I am,” I admitted. “Well, I take that back. I feel better about some parts of it, but other parts still bother me.”

“Such as?”

“I’m still really fucking hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to come to me when you found out you were pregnant,” I said, speaking directly to Harley. “I know you say you wanted to protect me because you knew I’d be upset about the baby, but you had to know it would hurt me when you left. The only thing you said was that our marriage wasn’t working anymore. I still don’t know what that means, so imagine how I felt then. How did you measure the different types of pain?”

Harley chewed on her lower lip. “I guess I figured you’d find another wife or girlfriend without any problem. You’re Tommy Bane from Onyx Knight—you have your choice of almost any woman you want, in any city, all over the world. Eventually, you’d get over me. But me having your best friend’s baby… that would always hurt. That would always be right there in your face, showing off the one thing you couldn’t give me. You wouldn’t even entertain the notion of adoption. How were you going to react to seeing mine and Carter’s child every day?”

That much was true.

Early on, we’d talked about “someday” having kids, maybe three or four.

We’d loved the idea of a family.

But we’d also loved each other.

“But we were…” I shook my head, trying to find the precise words to describe how in love we’d been. “Jesus, Harley, we were soulmates! How could you just walk away from that without even giving me the chance to decide if I was okay with your pregnancy?”

“I had to make a decision,” she whispered. “I made the one I thought was best at the time.”

Neither of us spoke and the peacefulness of our conversation at breakfast seemed to disappear, replaced by a whole new set of negativity and frustration.

“Tell her what’s on your mind,” Allisha encouraged. “We already know that keeping things inside doesn’t work.”

“I’m just mad you blew up our marriage without giving me a chance. That’s the part I can’t seem to get past.”

“I’m sorry.” Her eyes were sad. “But I was thinking of you and the band. What would happen if you couldn’t forgive Carter for getting me pregnant? Would you leave the band? Would one of you have to quit? There was a lot at play, and I didn’t want to be Onyx Knight’s Yoko Ono.”

As usual, I’d only been thinking about myself.

I hadn’t given a second thought to how it might have impacted the band.

“Put yourself in Harley’s shoes for a moment,” Allisha said gently. “Think about what you would have been worried about.”

I rubbed my hand down my face impatiently, trying to imagine a scenario where I was the one considering leaving Harley.

The simple truth was, there wasn’t one.

There was nothing she could have done short of castrating me or something that I wouldn’t have forgiven her for.

“I understand intellectually,” I said finally. “It’s just the emotional part that’s hard to wrap my head around.”

“I’d like to be friends again,” Harley said softly. “But I understand it you can’t. Or just don’t want to.”

Friends.

How the hell was I supposed to be just friends with the woman I loved more than anything else on earth? It would be so much easier to just walk away and never see her again, but that was unrealistic too. We had mutual friends, shared interests in the band, and she was now friends with Presley and Jesse. She would be around whether we were friends or not, and being enemies wouldn’t make it any easier.

“We can’t go on the way we’ve been,” I said carefully. “Avoiding each other isn’t going to work, especially with this new bullshit with the masters, and frankly, it’s exhausting trying to behave like you don’t exist.”

“I don’t know where we go from here,” she said after a moment.

“I don’t either.”

“You both have plenty of time left here, and I think with daily therapy sessions and some soul searching, we may come up with a plan.” Allisha looked from me to Harley and back again.

“I’m open to whatever you suggest,” I said.

“There’s no magic fix,” she continued. “Time really does heal, and that part can’t be rushed. You’re still grieving the end of an extremely important relationship, along with the death of your friend, and both of those together bring on a lot of difficult emotions to navigate.”

“So what do we do?” Harley asked.

“I’ve been thinking about that, and I have an idea. What if you spent your time here just… existing. Together, apart, in group sessions, whatever it is. You don’t have to spend all your time together—in fact, I highly recommend that you don’t—but a couple of hours every day. Try being friends and see how it feels. If it doesn’t work, or if it’s too hard, you’ll know you need more time. Or maybe that you’ll never be friends and you have to settle for being acquaintances.”

I looked at Harley and she nodded. “I can do that.”

“Same.” I reached over and put a gentle hand on her arm. “I really want to try.”

“Me too.” She paused. “I’ve missed you, Tommy.”

“I missed you too.”

Our eyes met and for the first time in more than three years, the strange tightness in my chest went away. It had started the day Harley had served me with papers, and while I didn’t always notice it—like when I was on stage—it had been an ever-present reminder of everything that had gone wrong since she’d left me.

And just like that, it was gone.

I couldn’t explain my abrupt change in attitude but there was no doubt jealousy played a part in it. The thought of the only woman I’d ever loved cheating with my best friend had never sat right with me, and I’d spent the last sixteen months or so hating both of them for it. I was so angry I hadn’t even been able to properly grieve for Carter, and now it felt like I could finally start that process. It lifted a huge weight from not just my shoulders, but from my entire soul.

I was lighter, freer, and suddenly extremely anxious to work on this trial friendship.

If we could find a way to be friends again, maybe we could find a way to be more.