Chapter 18

Harley

I didn’t sleepwell that night, so I was up early, doing the sunrise yoga class on the beach. Then I walked along the shore, enjoying the ocean breeze and tranquility of the waves crashing on the sand. I was still pretty shaken up after what had happened yesterday but didn’t know what to do about it. More than anything I wanted to talk to Tommy, but Allisha seemed to think he needed time to process everything on his own and that he’d reach out when he was ready.

She was the professional, so it felt like I should trust her even though it was hard.

I made my way back to my room and was surprised to see Tommy leaning against the wall by the door.

My step faltered when I spotted him, and I slowed down.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” I approached him gingerly.

“I was wondering if we could talk.” He met my gaze almost apologetically.

“Sure. Do you, uh, want to come in?”

“Have you had breakfast?”

I shook my head.

“Would you want to go downstairs and get some? Together, I mean?”

He looked nervous, which wasn’t like him at all, so I nodded. “Uh, sure. Let me just grab some sandals. I was barefoot on the beach.”

“Okay.” He didn’t make a move to come inside when I unlocked my door, so I hurriedly slid my feet into my flip flops and grabbed my phone.

He was still in the hallway when I came out and I matched his slower pace as we walked back toward the elevators.

“How’s the knee?”

“Not great, not terrible. It was good until yesterday when I overdid it.”

“You need to take it easy, or you won’t be ready for the tour.”

“Tell me about it.”

We were quiet on the ride down to the ground floor and as we walked to what was called the main restaurant, even though you didn’t pay for anything.

“Inside or outside?” The hostess who greeted us asked.

“Outside.”

“Outside.”

We spoke in unison and exchanged a look before we followed her to a table.

A waitress brought us coffee and dropped off menus, but I wasn’t that hungry. I sipped my coffee and stared out at the shore, wondering what was on his mind and if we would ever be able to sort out the past.

“You should have told me,” he said, once he’d ordered a breakfast with enough food to feed a small family.

“About River?” I asked.

“About River. About the fact that you got pregnant because of a threesome we participated in together. About everything.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” I admitted. “I knew it would hurt you and I hated myself for letting something like that happen, but I also couldn’t get rid of the baby. And there was a part of me that was afraid you would ask me to.”

He stared at me. “You think I would have asked you to have an abortion?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jesus, Harley.” His voice was filled with frustration.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked softly. “You were so upset yesterday.”

He shook his head. “I was, but I had time to think, and I met with Allisha early this morning. She helped me see that I was having a hard time because when you told me you only slept with Carter the one time, I realized everything I thought I knew was wrong. I’d made you the villain in my story, but now I think maybe it was me, and that didn’t sit right with me.”

“I don’t think there are any villains in this story,” I said slowly. “I think there were some imperfect human beings who were too dumb to communicate properly.”

“How did we get to a place where you thought I needed protecting and I thought you’d left me for my best friend?”

“You thought I was with Carter? Like, romantically?” It was my turn to stare. “What makes you think that? I know for a fact he had a very active sex life during that time period.”

“Once I found out when River was born, I did some rudimentary math and he was born about six months after the night we had the threesome. I assumed you were pregnant that night, and that Carter had done it intentionally to hide your pregnancy because you were already pregnant.”

I gaped at him. “No. I had some complications with my blood pressure and River came seven weeks early. He was only four pounds. I told you—Carter and I only had sex one time!”

“I know that now. But back then I was too mad to even consider details like that.”

“Plus you just said you and Carter were having threesomes and shit! You think I would have been okay with that?”

“I had no idea. Maybe you weren’t exclusive. Maybe you were fighting. I should have known better, but I was hurt and angry so those were the scenarios I thought up in my head.”

“We shouldn’t have kept the baby from you but you should have known I would never put up with that if we were a couple.”

“Like I said, I was upset.”

“And I’m sorry you thought those things. I… I just didn’t know how you would react. And I wanted to be a mom more than anything.”

“Did Carter ever tell you how it happened? I mean, was it a broken condom?”

I sighed.

Carter and I had argued the night he’d told me the truth, one of the only times I’d ever been truly angry with him.

“He didn’t wear one. We were so caught up in the moment…” I shrugged. “He said he never even thought about it.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Carter.” He shook his head, looking out at the beach. “Dumbass.” He was quiet for a beat. “Did I force you to do that, Harley? The threesome.”

“Allisha asked me the same question.” I was thoughtful. “I used to think you coerced me into it, but now I realize it was more about our lack of communication. It also made it easier for me to put the blame on you instead of taking responsibility for my actions.”

“If I’d known how you were feeling, I never would have forced you to do anything, Harley. I hope you know that.”

“We were always pushing the envelope back then,” I whispered. “After we found out we couldn’t have kids you were different. You wanted to do everything, sometimes so much I could hardly keep up, but I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“You never disappointed me,” he said firmly. “Not once. I’m just sorry I disappointed you.”

“Look, I can’t sit here and lie and say it didn’t feel good, that once we got going I wasn’t enjoying myself. Yes, if you had taken the time to ask me before we got started, I would have said no. I knew that Carter had crushes on both of us, and even if I’d wanted to experiment, it wouldn’t have been with him. I was scared that he was too emotionally fragile, because of his addiction.”

“And somewhere inside of me I was worried about it too, but the selfish ass I was at the time didn’t care. I just wanted to see what it was like, I guess. Being with a guy and my girl at the same time.”

“You liked it.”

I hesitated. “Yes, but no. I liked it because it was Carter and because it was the three of us. I’d never done anything like it before and haven’t since. And I don’t think I ever will again. I wanted it because it was us, you and Carter. Does that make sense?”

“Did you have a crush on Carter too?”

He lifted his shoulders in a mini shrug. “Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t fucking know. I never wanted to have sex with him, and even after you left, we never did anything like that again. We had threesomes, but we didn’t touch each other at all, just the woman. He seemed to understand instinctively that what the three of us did that night was a one-off.”

Jealousy ripped through me at the thought of Carter and Tommy having sex with other women, and I had to take a slow, steadying breath to let the feeling pass.

“What?” Tommy asked, watching me. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head, embarrassed to admit I was still jealous after all this time.

“This isn’t the time to hold back,” he said gently. “Haven’t we done enough of that?”

“I was momentarily jealous,” I said. “The thought of the two of you doing with other women what we did…”

“We didn’t do it the same way. That night with the three of us was… a stolen moment of sexual and emotional nirvana. Carter was never going to have either of us, much less both of us, and yet, we somehow managed to capture a plethora of emotions in one passionate escapade. I’m just sorry you felt I manipulated you into doing it.”

“Wow. That was incredibly insightful. I never thought of it quite that way.”

“Yeah, me either. Not until I started talking to Allisha. But that’s what it was. We didn’t plan it, but we somehow lived out a fantasy we didn’t even know we wanted. At least, Carter and I did. I shouldn’t speak to what you were feeling.”

“I felt all the things you just mentioned with the caveat being that I was uncomfortable in the beginning because I never wanted to sleep with anyone but you once we were married. I didn’t mind as much when Carter, and the others, watched, but I didn’t want anyone but you to touch me.”

“I’m sorry, Harley.” He reached across the table and covered one of my hands with his. “I mean that. I wasn’t perfect, but I never would have asked you to do something that went against your principles or something that truly made you uncomfortable.”

“I share some blame because I should have spoken up but thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

We were quiet as the waitress put down what seemed like two hundred plates in front of Tommy.

“Come on, eat something,” he said. “Banana French toast is your favorite.” He pushed the plate in my direction.

And suddenly I was hungry.

I cut off a small piece of the flavorful bread and slowly put it in my mouth.

“Oh, that’s good,” I whispered.

He smiled. “Eat. Share with me.”

He’d done this on purpose, ordering more food than he could eat in the hopes that something would appeal to me. Because he’d noticed how much weight I lost.

This was the Tommy I remembered.

The Tommy I’d fallen in love with.

The Tommy I’d married.

And I’d missed him so very much.