Chapter 12

Harley

It took lessthan a week for me to come up with coverage for River, and by Saturday, I was on the road to Santa Barbara. I’d booked myself for a month, and Wynter would bring River for visits on her days off. It was a long time to be away from my baby, and I’d almost gotten cold feet this morning, but Wynter had talked me off the ledge and now I was pulling into the parking lot.

This place was incredible, and I took a moment to stare at the massive group of buildings that had an old-time castle feel. It overlooked the beach and I’d made sure to book a room with a balcony where I could sit and think, read, maybe enjoy some sunshine. It had been far too long since I’d taken time like that for myself, and while I loved spending time with River, I’d begun to understand that I also needed time to recharge and recuperate once in a while.

Usually, I only had Lorna help out when I had errands to run or doctor’s appointments, so the thought of not having to do anything but read a book or paint my nails suddenly sounded heavenly.

I was well-aware that many women didn’t have that luxury, but I did, and it seemed silly to waste the opportunity to be a better version of myself. Wynter thought taking time for myself would make me a better mom, but I’d always taken that with a grain of salt. Now it seemed incredibly insightful.

“Ms. Pomeroy. Welcome.”

A smiling woman at the front desk greeted me by name, and I was momentarily taken aback. How had she recognized me?

“You’re our only new guest today,” she said, as if reading my mind.

“Oh.” I smiled. “I guess that makes sense.”

“This is Nurse Crane. She’ll show you to your room and give you a tentative schedule. Once you’ve met with your therapist, you’ll be able to customize it.”

“Thank you.” I turned as someone disappeared with my luggage and a middle-aged woman in scrubs held out her hand.

“Nice to meet you,” she said.

We walked toward the elevator as she gave me an overview of the grounds, promising a tour after I was settled, and generic schedule.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked once I’d gotten to my room.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

“Well, your appointment with Dr. Hirschel is in half an hour, so take a little time to familiarize yourself with your room and the welcome packet, and then you can go down to Office 70B. Once you have your initial meeting with her, the two of you decide on how much or how little you want to talk, and you can plan the rest of your schedule accordingly.”

“Thank you.” I smiled as she gave me a few more details, and then she was gone.

I walked out onto the balcony and stared out at the ocean.

It was beautiful and peaceful.

The water would be too cold for me, but I longed to run out into the waves and swim. I was a native, born and raised in Southern California, so I’d been a beachgoer my whole life. Not as much since I had River, but I still longed for the ocean. It was the one place that soothed me when I was tired or stressed or unhappy. And I was all three of those things lately.

That was why I was here, right?

To deal with the stress and unhappiness?

I still didn’t know exactly why I’d come, only that I couldn’t continue doing the things I’d been doing or living my life as if nothing mattered. I didn’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for River, and even in my depressed state, I knew that couldn’t be healthy.

I unpacked and slipped my feet into sandals before studying the map and heading in the direction of Dr. Hirschel’s office.

“Hello.” A pleasant-looking woman looked up when I knocked. “Welcome. You must be Harley.”

“Everyone here can read minds,” I said, shaking her hand.

“Not really. We just have profiles on all new guests and since you were the only one checking in today, it had to be you.”

“That’s fair.” I sank down in a comfortable chair.

“So. What can I do for you?” she asked politely.

“I wish I knew.” I blew out a ragged breath and stared up at the ceiling. “Between the end of my marriage and the death of my best friend-slash-baby-daddy, I’ve been lost. That’s the only thing I can tell you.”

“Depression, grief, anger… sound about right?”

“Depression and anger are part of the five stages of grief, right?” I asked. “I’ve done some research on that but knowing what they are and how to deal with them doesn’t seem to help me put any of it into practice.”

“That’s true. So, what stage do you think you’re in?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve reached the depression stage, although I go back to anger regularly.”

“Well, anger is a masking emotion. We use anger to hide the emotions and pain that go with that kind of loss. So in your depression, you consciously or unconsciously try to snap out of it by getting angry because anger is an active stage. You feel like you’re doing something. That asshole, how dare he?! You know? While depression is very passive. You can’t do anything about it, not until you’ve dealt with everything, so you wallow.”

“It’s very counterproductive.”

She nodded. “It is. And on top of a divorce, you’re also probably feeling very alone.”

“I am. What’s worse, I’ve alienated a lot of my friends, and I don’t know why. Part of it is because they were my ex’s friends too, and I didn’t want to have to explain why I got pregnant with another man’s baby right before I divorced him.”

She didn’t appear shocked or disgusted, merely nodding her head. “That makes perfect sense. You don’t need me to unlock that.”

“But I miss them.”

“Are you ashamed of your child or the relationship you had with their father?”

“River’s a little boy,” I said, smiling. “He’s three. And no, I’m not ashamed of him, but the rest…” I hesitated. “It’s a really long story.”

“We only have ten minutes left today, but if you want to set up a full session for tomorrow, we can do that.”

“I guess I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have choices. You’re not a prisoner here. From the intake forms you filled out, you don’t believe you have any substance abuse issues, you’re not a danger to yourself or anyone else, and you haven’t committed any crimes. Based on that, and the fact that I haven’t seen any evidence of those things either, you’re free to come and go as you please. You don’t have to do anything while you’re here unless you want to. That’s partly what makes Harmony Place special.”

“I do want to,” I whispered. “Why else am I here and away from my baby? I have to want to, even when I don’t want to, because I can’t go on the way I’ve been.”

“Other than being depressed, what’s your biggest concern?”

“I guess I have two. One is being the best mom I can be to River. Because I’m always tired and depressed, and I don’t want him to think of me that way once he’s old enough to really notice. The other concern is that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I haven’t moved on from my divorce, and I’ve been having sex with guys who are the opposite of what I need in my life. River’s only three, so right now I can hide what I’m doing, but I won’t be able to for much longer and I don’t want him to see a parade of guys I’m screwing walking in and out of my life.”

“I understand.”

“I mean, I don’t bring anyone home to the house. My sister lives with me so when she’s home, I can go out for a few hours or overnight.”

“And you meet guys for the specific purpose of having sex?”

“I used to. I’ve stopped. It’s been about six months. Until the other night with my ex. But that’s a different story for when we have time.”

Her eyes widened slightly, the first sign I’d seen of surprise. “You had sex with your ex-husband recently?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes. That’s a big part of what brought me here. It made me realize I truly haven’t moved on, and I can’t keep pining for him. I just can’t. It hurts too much.”

“Well.” She cleared her throat. “Tomorrow I have openings at ten thirty and one o’clock. The grief support group is at three thirty, and while you don’t have to go, I highly recommend it.”

“Let’s do one o’clock,” I said. “I saw that there’s a yoga class at ten and I was hoping to go on the picnic lunch thing at eleven thirty.”

“It’s a date.”

“Thank you.” I started to get up.

“And Harley? Don’t be afraid to face your fears. That’s part of the growth you’re looking for, even if you don’t think you’re ready. Until you do that, nothing will get better.”

I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I nodded anyway.

I was here to learn and figured she was going to help me.

That was the hope I was clinging to because it felt like this was my last hope for finding peace in my life again.