57. Pallas

The room I had been given was lovely. Everything was a set that a fine lady would need. Books lined the shelves, most in the common language, but many were in the ancient tongue of the region. I flipped through a few, and I felt the old spark light within me of a challenge. I just needed a few weeks and some alone time in the library to master it. The language was highly symbolic; it would be easy to memorize the first one thousand characters or so, and I was sure that I could make my way through most of it then.

Istarted to pull the book on translation out, but my hand shook. Why go through the effort when we would leave soon for what could easily be the end of us all?

Myhand shook again when a tan one landed on the book instead. "New project of yours?" Jun's warm smile lightened my heart.

"Is your sister teaching you how to sneak around? I didn't hear you come in."

Helaughed. "We've been sneaking together for over two hundred years. I'm quite proficient all on my own." He handed the book to me, and I grasped it in both hands, trying to calm their shaking.

Heeyed me curiously. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just worried about finding the mana nodes here. River kingdom architecture is so different from what I've studied before."

"Pallas, come on, talk to me." Jun reached out and set a gentle hand on my cheek.

Ishook my head. "I'm just scared. I've always been scared of him. What if he…?" Tears started to flow again. I felt his warm arms wrap around me. I was so shocked by the contact that it stopped my sobs.

"It's alright, Pallas. I'm scared, too." Jun held me tightly, and it felt so right and warm that, for a moment, all those doubts fled.

"How can you be so calm then?" He held me at arm"s length so he could look into my eyes.

"Well, having a master glyph expert teaching me how to control my voice magic has helped." He smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Asoft knock on the door was followed by Tori popping her head in. "MayI come in?"

Inodded, wiping what remained of my tears away.

"Jun, do you mind giving Pallas and me a few minutes? You know, for girl talk?"

Hetwisted his face. "Girl talk? Who's the girl that's going to join Pallas for this?"

Torimade a rude gesture at her brother. "Fine, stay if you want, ass." Jun smiled, and it was wicked. The princess rolled her eyes and turned to me.

"If we are going cave diving tomorrow, your hair is going to be a problem," she stated flatly.

"What's wrong with my hair?" I combed it nervously.

"It's long and luxurious. It will get in the way." Tori moved to stand behind me. "MayI?" I nodded my head.

Sheguided me to the chair in front of the vanity and gently ran her hands through my hair, softly brushing it and dividing it into sections. Her touch was so light it sent tingles down my spine, and I shivered. I saw a gentle smile in the mirror, and she continued, starting to braid the hair near my temple.

"Is this taught in the barracks?" I asked.

Shelaughed. "No, I used to force Jun into letting me do this to him. Didn'tI?" she called over to him. I saw Jun sit down on the bed and rub his head absentmindedly, perhaps remembering when she wasn't so gentle.

"He didn't complain too much," Tori added with her own wicked grin.

"Yes, I did," her brother retorted, and she just laughed.

"Recently, I've been practicing on Abraxas." The image of the fearsome dragon king with his hair in a long, delicate braid laced with flowers and clips almost had a smile on my face. Almost. She smirked at me again, looking for my reaction. I couldn't smile back.

"I'm scared, too, you know." I stiffened in my seat. "It's good to be scared. It means you know what we face and what our failure will cost us. You've been instrumental in this, Pallas. We couldn't have done this without you."

Ididn't say anything. It still felt wrong after all this time. Hadeon haunted my every thought, even now. Going against him felt so unnatural. I looked in the mirror and saw Jun smiling up at me. I would do this for him. I would never let Hadeon get him back.

Torifinished up the braid, which wrapped around my head like a crown, holding the hair tight to my head. She smiled and patted it lightly. "Much better. Shows off your pretty face."

Itwisted my face at her, and she laughed again.

"I have one more thing for you." She cupped her hands in front of me, and I watched as shimmering blue mana pooled in her hands. It was like a tiny star, threads of it orbiting the whole as she gathered up the power. I saw her lace it with that white magic that flowed between her and Jun. She compressed it tight, then sent it gently into my chest, where it sat like a warm embrace over my heart.

"What's this?"

"You're not the only one who can run experiments, you know, Pallas. Think of it like a container of mana. I've been practicing making bigger ones for Abraxas so he could transform without me nearby."

"Tori, I don't have any fae magic. This will be useless in me."

Herface lit up with that annoying smirk that was starting to grow on me. "Perhaps. Just consider it good luck, then. Something to remind you that at the end of all of this, you will always have Jun and I, no matter what."

"Jun… and you?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

Therewas no teasing in her expression. "Yes, and me. Thank you, Pallas. Thank you for everything."

Ireached up and grabbed her hand, which lay on my shoulder. She didn't have to say anymore. It seemed she couldn't help herself.

"I also know a certain someone else who would never forgive me if anything happened to you." I scowled, and she chuckled.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Birds of a feather, indeed."

Tori and Jun bid me good night, and for the first time I could remember, Jun left me for his own room. With them both gone and the sunset, suddenly, the beautiful room I was in felt like a tomb. I climbed into bed. It was much too large for just me. I hadn't realized how much I had grown used to Jun's presence. I hadn't thought about how we had shared a bed every single night for the last few months, even if that bed was sometimes a ship's deck or a musty cave.

He'dbeen smiling and laughing more, and it brought me so much joy. That dark, selfish part of me longed for him, longed to keep him in the dark with me. If we were both broken, then at least we would have each other. I shook my head. No. No, I would not want that. Even if Jun left me behind, I would be happy because he deserved that. He deserved to be whole. It was I who didn't deserve that.

AsI tried to make myself comfortable in the cold sheets, a knock came at my door again.

"Enter."

Avlyn'sbeautiful face looked around the door to find me on the bed.

"Oh, I didn't realize…"

"It's alright, Commander. I wasn't ready for bed, anyway." I threw back the sheets and sat on the end of the bed as they came in, shutting the door behind them.

"I just wanted to see how you were getting on. We have quite a trek ahead of us tomorrow."

"The princess did my hair, so you can say I'm very prepared."

Theychuckled. "That's good to hear. I didn't need to worry about you at all then." They flashed their teeth at me, and I looked away. "Or maybe I should. Is there anything else you need, Pallas?"

"NothingI deserve, Commander."

Ifelt their fingers trace under my chin, and I lifted my eyes to meet theirs.

"How long are you going to go on punishing yourself?" Avlyn asked.

"How long does it take to earn redemption?"

"Dunno." That was all they said.

"Dunno?! Is that all you have?"

"I've never tried to be redeemed before." They shrugged their shoulders. "I've done terrible things in my life, too, Pallas. I know there are those out there who likely wish for my death; pray for it. I could try to justify it, say it was for survival or for some greater good. But that feels cheap like I'm sweeping their pain away. So, I don't try to redeem it; I let it sit with me and shoulder all the pain that I can."

"Doesn't that eat away at you?"

"Some days, yes. Sometimes it's almost too much."

"So, how do you go on?"

Tomy surprise, a smile spread across their lips. "I use it. All that weight I carry is a reminder of what it costs to have those I care for safe. I never forget what a blessing it is to have my soldiers, my king, or my friends with me. Everything in this life has a price, and if I am to be the one who bears it for them, then I will."

Theylooked at me with those deep eyes, and their smile grew into something lascivious. "AndI must be doing something right because the gods have blessed me with a beautiful and erudite woman waiting for me in bed."

Ifelt the color rise on my cheeks and couldn't let them win, not yet. "Erudite? Someone's been studying."

"Anything to impress you." They leaned in, and I felt their hand slide up my thigh, sending bolts of pleasure straight between my legs, and my stomach flipped.

"I've been trying to impress you ever since you kissed me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it." Their other hand came up and gently wrapped around the back of my neck, and I couldn't have escaped even if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I wanted nothing more than the feeling of them on me right now.

"I'm not good, Avlyn. You have to know that."

"Pallas, right now, I really don't fucking care." They closed that final distance, crashing their lips into mine. A soft moan escaped me, and I threw my arms around their neck, pulling them down on top of me as we crashed into the bed.

Avlynwasn't small, and the feeling of their entire weight pressing into me was divine.

Iwrapped my hand around the back of their neck, careful not to snag any braids with my nails, as I twisted their head slightly so I could deepen the kiss. Their mouth opened, and I explored them with my tongue. I was quickly drunk on their taste. Their soft tongue played with mine, and each meeting exploded with long overdue satisfaction.

Theircallused fingers moved over my skin with such reverence it felt like worship. They traced the crests on my ribs and across my stomach. I pulled our mouths apart because I needed air, my blood racing so fast that there was nothing left in my lungs. Avlyn moved their lips to my neck, each kiss spreading over my skin like ripples in a pond. Their fingers traced swirls beneath my belly button until they came to my hips, following the shape of it down between my thighs.

Asthey brushed the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, I shivered, and I heard them elicit a soft moan against my neck. They moved until that venerating touch pressed down on the bundle of nerves that so desired it… and feared it.

Mywhole body flinched, and my heart stopped. I tried to moan, to move to cover it up as I would have before, but Avlyn knew. They pulled back immediately.

"It's alright. I'm fine!" I tried to grab their neck and pull them back to me, but Avlyn gently grabbed my extended hands, locking our fingers together and holding themselves away.

"Pallas, it's alright. Gods know I would understand after everything you've been through." They pulled further back, and I almost screamed. "This was too soon. I'm sorry."

"Please, Avlyn, please don't go. I'm sorry, I'll do better." Tears rose in my eyes, and I looked down at the floor to hide them.

"Hey." They grabbed my chin gently, tracing a thumb over my cheek. "You don't owe me anything. You understand that, right?"

Igrabbed their wrist, leaning into their touch. "I know. I know I don't. Maybe you're right; I'm not ready for more. Not yet. But… will you kiss me, please?"

Theireyes softened. "Is that really what you want? IfI leave now, it changes nothing between us. I'm happy to wait as long as you need me to."

Theywould. It wasn't my body they wanted. It was me. How long had it been since I'd felt anything like that? I leaned forward again so my lips met theirs. They didn't retreat, so I grasped their cheeks in my hands, tracing the high cheekbones with my fingertips. I shifted my weight, so they fell back onto the bed with me. For a moment, our lips parted, and they laughed.

"I told you I was way too lenient with beautiful women."

After what seemed like hours,I cuddled into Avlyn's chest and listened to their heart slow down as they fell asleep. The same sleep never claimed me. I traced my fingers over Avlyn's cheekbones and soft skin one more time. They were absolutely beautiful. I pressed my lips softly against their cheek and walked over to start on the book of translation I'd been toying with earlier. Avlyn shifted as I got out of bed but didn't seem to wake. I walked across the room, my feet light on the floor. A hand slammed over my mouth, and another wrapped around my waist.

"Nice to see you, gorgeous," Luxos whispered in my ear. I tried to scream, but his shadows snaked under his hand and gagged me so no sound could emerge. I struggled against his grip and threw an elbow back into his stomach like Tori had shown me.

Itwasn't that hard of a hit, but he staggered and hissed loudly. "Pallas, enough."

"Let her go, ShadowWalker." I squeaked as I heard Avlyn behind us.

Luxosspun us around. Avlyn stood mostly undressed, holding a small dagger, poised and ready to strike.

Luxoschuckled, "Up to your old tricks, Pallas? I didn't think they were really your type." He clamped his arm tighter around me but moved his hand so his thumb ran underneath my breast. Avlyn's eyes locked onto it, and they snarled. "Tell me, Commander, she always was so good with her tongue. Did she show you that?" Avlyn lunged, but Luxos anticipated the move and dodged out of the way.

Avlynspun in a way that almost defied logic and thrust the dagger into Luxos' side. He groaned, and I felt his hot blood spilling down my leg. BeforeI could even process that, a sword flashed, and more blood sprayed everywhere. My entire nightgown was drenched, and it wasn't only Luxos blood.

Avlynstaggered away, clutching what remained of their arm. Crimson rivulets ran between the fingers that clutched where their other hand had been. I screamed and screamed, but no sound came out. Darkness and cold overtook me with the smell of death and roses. Avlyn's mangled body disappeared as Luxos carried me away.