15. Pallas

Jun let me pet his hair as he fell asleep. He hadn't let me do that in ages. After his breath leveled out into the steady, deep rhythm of unconsciousness, I tried to roll over and sleep, too. I ended up just staring at the dark ceiling for what felt like an eternity before gently rolling out of bed.

Islipped on one of those stupid night robes that were so loved in the DragonKingdom and headed for the door. It wasn't locked, but the brute and the orcess I had seen before stood outside.

Thebrute turned to me. "Can't sleep?"

Iclosed the door behind me, so we didn't disturb Jun, but also to show I wasn't going back in.

"No, I was hoping to take a walk." WasI a guest, as Tori had said, or just a prisoner? The brute and the orcess exchanged glances, but he said, "Alright, but I'll accompany you so you don't lose your way."

Right. He was more tactful than the other soldiers I had dealt with, but he was still just a soldier. I walked down the hall without another word, and he scrambled after me. We walked in silence for quite a while. Much longer than the princess would have held out, but eventually, the quiet was too much.

"So, it's Pallas, right? How did you end up here?"

Iraised my eyebrows at him. Was he really asking me that?

Colorrose in his cheeks. "Right, sorry… not a great question… how about… are you liking it here?"

Isaid nothing, and his face grew redder with each passing breath. It was almost… adorable. He was darker than an autumn plum when we both heard footsteps and saw the princess herself rounding the corner.

"Oh, thank the gods…." I heard him murmur.

"Couldn't sleep?" She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me. I said nothing but nodded. "Well then, perhaps we can sleeplessly wander together. Kaleos, you and Raula get some rest. I'll see you in the morning."

Thebrute gave her a salute and immediately turned on his heels and fled. Tori still had her arms crossed as she looked me up and down. I hated how it made my skin crawl.

"Well, let's wander," she said. She gestured for me to lead the way, and I did. Fewer than five breaths had passed, and I knew she was about to speak, so I cut her off.

"You're playing a dangerous game."

Sheraised her eyebrows at me.

"What you did for Jun earlier."

Herface only grew more confused. "I just used my magic to heal him. Is that so wrong?" she asked.

"You don't have fae magic, Tori. That was your life force."

Shefrowned and put her hand over her heart. "Yes, it felt like… it felt like a part of me."

Ishook my head. "It won't end well if you keep that up. It was the first lesson all magical adepts learned. Never use your life force to fuel magic, lest you overexert and, well… die."

Shelooked at me a long time before answering. "It's the only way I can help Jun. It's the only thing I have that works against whatever is clinging to his heart."

Iknew all too well what she meant. I may not have magic, but only a fool wouldn't see what Jun carried. "That may be true, but it's too risky."

"Any risk is worth it for Jun."

"Do you think he would agree with you?" She said nothing. "We will find a way to help him, but this isn't the way."

"Suddenly so attached to me, Pallas?"

Icouldn't stop a laugh from escaping. "Not a bit, Princess. But… Jun wouldn't survive losing you again. Not right now." She knew I was right. Logic always prevailed, even in those who seemed to ignore it, like Tori.

Shesighed, "Alright, but we need to find another way."

Ihad nothing more to say, so we walked another two hallways before she let out a loud yawn. "I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life."

"And yet you aren't sleeping… are you afraid of dreaming?" I asked.

Shejolted at my bold question, and I saw her hackles rise, but then she released a sigh. "Yes." It was all she said.

"You could take a sleeping potion, you know, prevent dreams."

"No." There was no hesitation in her voice. I remembered the information Hadeon had been given about her attempt on her life in her youth. She was not so afraid of her dreams to risk it.

"There are other potions, medicinal mushrooms that calm the mind. Perhaps that could help?"

Shegave me a quizzical look, then nodded. "Yes, Abraxas mentioned Oryx was working on something. I will consult with him." Her gaze glazed over in thought for a few moments before her eyes jumped back to mine.

"Thank you. It seems you have quite a wealth of knowledge on medical herbs, runes, and ancient magics. Where did you learn all this?"

"My mother was RunyaMorvavare." Tori's eyes widened. My mother's fame as the age's greatest enchantress preceded her even after all these centuries.

"I didn't know Runya had a daughter."

"Most don't." BeforeTori could give me another pitying look, I barreled on, "She was an academic to her core. While some youths were spent playing and sword fighting, my mother had me spend hours studying every book she gathered for the GoldenKingdom library. All those lessons stuck."

Shegave me a searching look as if she didn't quite buy my story. But she let it drop. I didn't need to tell her that for the first few decades, Hadeon had hardly let me out of his chambers. Only the kindness of slaves bringing me books to read had kept me sane. And my mother had amassed the greatest collection of tomes on magic in her time as the library's keeper in Koron before her death.

Wewalked a bit more in silence before she asked, "And you, Pallas? We've had a trying few days. What keeps you awake?"

"I've never slept well." The look she gave me was far too piteous for my liking, so I added, "Besides, I have heard there is a giant spider who roams these halls. Not the most comforting tale."

Awicked grin crossed her face. "Would you like to meet him?"

I will admit, the spider had been surprisingly affable. He gave me a cute spin as a greeting and brought me what Tori assured was a mouse wrapped up in his silk. It seemed awfully large to be a mouse, but I didn't question it. I pet his head as I would have one of the palace cats, and he purred in a similar but unnerving way.

After, Tori walked me back to my room. The two soldiers were gone. She didn't warn me to stay or lock the door, but I was sure there were eyes on me, nonetheless.

Junslept peacefully, but I knew I wasn't ready for sleep yet. A small collection of books lay on a small shelf in the room. I grabbed one and a small candle. Sitting by the window, a glance outside revealed the flaming blue-green lights so famous in this region in the night sky above. I had never seen them before, and even I had to admit, they were enchanting. I was swept away in their soft, graceful beauty until the smell of ashy rose filled my nose. It was paired with something metallic, like smoke or even blood. It was a smell I had become well acquainted with over the past century.

"Hello, ShadowWalker. I thought you couldn't enter this city, let alone the palace?"

CommanderLuxos stepped out of the shadows that clung to the corner of the room. "Well, with our beloved DragonKing gone, his warding has weakened."

Luxos' long, dark hair was pulled back, and the long white scar over his left eye was accentuated by the pale light of the moon. He wore the dark leather armor I was so used to seeing him in. Sweat coated his brow, and I could tell it had taken quite a bit of effort to enter the kingdom.

"It's time to go, Pallas. Our master awaits." He extended his hand to me and glanced at Jun on the bed. I didn't move.

"There is no way for him to know you could make it here now. It's never been possible before. There would be no punishment for you not bringing us back."

Hefrowned. "Don't make this difficult. I've already risked my life for you." A twinkle lit his eye. "The reward for that had been much sweeter."

Yes, Luxos had been Hadeon's loyal dog for almost three centuries, but how many things had changed in the past few months? I was ordered to serve the commander numerous times before, but when Hadeon had traveled to Niata, it had been the first time I'd slept with him for myself.

Afterthat first stolen night, I had often found myself in Luxos' embrace. In his chambers, the gardens, or even in a vacant hallway. His expression told me he knew exactly what I was remembering. He shot me a smile that I was sure had caused the undergarments of many a courtier to disappear in a hurry, but I just scowled at him.

Hefrowned. "Don't tell me you prefer the company of that spoiled brat?"

Iassumed he was referring to the princess. She had escaped his clutches twice, and I realized I was impressed. I couldn't think of another soul who had escaped from Luxos and his shadow troops. The man had killed two new recruits after his botched attempt to draw out Tori's power, testing them too hard after losing his best men. PerhapsI hadn't given her enough credit.

Ilooked into his dark eyes but said nothing.

"Pallas…" he growled at me, taking a step forward.

"Luxos?" I hit him with my bedroom eyes and batted my lashes. He froze, and the slightest color rose on his cheeks. But he shook his head and regained his composure.

"I would hate to have to force you."

"Haven't you already done just that?" It was foolish to provoke him, but maybe being around the princess had emboldened me. Anger flashed through his eyes. He stalked forward to grab me. I flung myself out of the chair, tumbling to the floor. As long as he couldn't touch me, he couldn't take me. He scrambled after me, and I flung my book at his face. It hit him square in the nose with a thud. He snarled and lunged, his hand mere inches away. We both froze as a groan came from the bed.

"Pallas, what…?" Jun's eyes locked on my assailant, and his face went white. I saw the panic creep into his eyes as he scrambled to cover himself with the linens. "STOP!" The word shook the room, and I felt my entire body seize up. I couldn't have moved if my life depended on it. Luxos' was also caught in Jun's spell. He groaned, trying to extend his arm just a bit further to grab me.

Thenthe door slammed open, and Tori came barging in. Her eyes immediately locked on Luxos, and they filled with hatred. "Look who's caught this time, Commander." She unsheathed her sword and raised it above her head. She ran at him, and his eyes bulged. Just as her sword fell, that ashy rose smell flared, and the light in the room warped as Luxos wrapped himself in shadows. Tori's sword cut through the darkness but hit nothing as the man disappeared.

Shehad swung so hard that the sword embedded in the wooden floor. She wrenched it out and spun around, searching the corners for the shadow walker.

"He's gone." Of that, I had no doubt. Tori gave me a look full of distrust.

"You sure about that, beautiful?" CommanderAvlyn's voice came from the doorway. They were giving me the same distrustful look the princess was.

"Luxos never stays for a fight he can't win," I remarked. They both stared at me some more until even I was unsettled. But then, some soft sobs came from the bed, and Tori immediately turned to Jun.

"He was here… he was here… how did he get here?"

Torisat with him, one hand cautiously patting his back as she made soothing noises. I moved to join her, but Avlyn blocked my path.

"I was wondering the same thing," they said, staring directly into my eyes.

"I don't know." I wasn't sure why I lied, but Avlyn saw right through it.

"Don't lie to me." They pushed me back against the wall, their forearm pressed into my collarbone. "Tell me what you know."

"Take it somewhere else!" Tori shouted. BothAvlyn and I turned to look at Jun. He was heaving great sobs, barely able to breathe as panic set in. Tears streamed from his eyes as he doubled over, trying to claw beneath the covers. He was speaking incoherently, and Tori kept mumbling, "You're safe. You're safe. You're safe."

Shelooked at me with pleading eyes. "What do I do?" I felt Avlyn's grip loosen, and I went to Jun. "What do I do, Pallas?"

Ididn't have the words to tell her there was nothing she could do.

[ Author'sNote:This next scene contains on page SA. Please protect your mental health and do not read if you aren't comfortable. Skip to the next chapter break]

Hadeonhadn't even waited until the evening of Jun's arrival to destroy him. A servant summoned me to Hadeon's bedchamber. I walked in to see him pressing Jun's face down into the pillows as he mercilessly thrust into him from behind. I had walked into similar scenes many times, but never before had bile risen in my throat. I had to use every ounce of my defenses to hide it. The pillows muffled Jun's soft wails, and my nails cut into the palm of my hands.

"Pallas, my love, would you help me make our guest more comfortable?" That charming smile he wore so well was all teeth, and he grabbed the bun on the back of Jun's head to lift him out of the pillows to make space for me underneath him.

Jun'sface was a mess of tears and spit. I did all I could not to look as I slid my dress off and climbed onto the bed. AsI drew closer, I saw his back was covered in fresh burns that fractured out like veins from when Hadeon had inflicted another type of pain. How similar they were to the scars on my back, but mine had always healed over. Hadeon had known better than to leave permanent marks.

Hedidn't show the same caution with his new prize. The scars that would remain would be Hadeon's unique, permanent fingerprint on Jun, forever.

Islid myself underneath his body. Internally, I debated sliding in stomach down so that I wouldn't have to look at him, but the crack in my heart didn't let me. I faced him and gently wrapped my legs around his hips. Jun was hard, but it wasn't of his own volition; it was just a reaction to the electric stimulation Hadeon loved to administer.

Igently grasped his wet face, but he refused to look at me. I heard him mumble, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Repeatedly. My heart cracked open even more. None of this was his fault, and yet, this was the first apology I had heard in centuries.

Iknew better than to try and comfort him with empty words, so I kissed the trails of tears under his eyes, hoping he would understand that he wasn't hurting me. ButHadeon grew impatient and shifted his hips forward, forcing Jun into me. He whimpered pathetically.

Iparticipated in countless debaucheries with Hadeon throughout my life, but I never felt as vile as I did at that moment. I continued to kiss Jun's face, hoping he knew it would be over soon.

"Come now, Pallas, you can do better than that." BeforeI could stop myself, I looked at Hadeon. The contempt must have shown on my face because, for a moment, that perfect charming grin faltered and turned ugly. He said nothing; just let his power snake over Jun's body. Violet light flashed until it arched into me. Jun screamed and gritted his teeth. I could feel him shaking even more violently as new tears streamed down his cheeks.

Iwas damned either way, but one path at least would end this torment. I moved my hips in time with Hadeon, the two of us violating Jun in tandem. My master grinned again and picked up his pace, slamming down as hard as he could. It forced all of Jun"s weight onto my body, but I did all I could to keep moving.

"I'm sorry…" Jun was sobbing into my ear. "I don't want to but…" I felt his body tense. I needed him to stop apologizing, so I gently snared his lips with mine. His body quaked, and Hadeon groaned as Jun squeezed around him. We continued to kiss as Hadeon found his satisfaction and released us both.

Hecrawled off the bed and left without another word, leaving Jun sobbing on top of me. I gently rolled him onto his side and extracted myself to find a bowl of warm water and a few clothes. I cleaned between my legs before soaking another towel in the warm water and approaching the shivering man on the bed.

Itouched the cloth gently to his lower back, and he flinched away with a violent force.

"It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise." Already, I lied. I was sure I would hurt him again. But he let me run the warm towel over his skin, cleaning up the blood and everything else that coated his legs.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry… I've never…" I could barely understand him as his chest heaved with sobs.

"I know. I know. It's alright." I found the salve I stashed in almost every one of Hadeon's chambers and worked it between my fingers until it was pliant and rubbed it on the burns. "It's going to be alright." Such a fucking liar.

"Pallas, what do I do?"

Toriwas looking at me with grey eyes brimming with tears, just like Jun had. LikeI had any power what's-so-fucking-ever to do anything. That feral, cornered beast inside me lashed out, trying to survive the pain that cut straight through my heart.

"You should have fucking been there, Princess! You should have saved him. You should have protected him because Icouldn't!"

Iexpected her to lash out at me. I wanted her to. I deserved it, every piece of her ire and each punishment she could ever bestow on me. I deserved it and so much more. Instead, I saw the tears fall from her eyes as she looked away. I felt the hum of her power again, and she wrapped Jun in it. She gave a piece of herself to him, and it only reinforced how pathetic I was. I had stood by and done nothing for him, worse than nothing. I had inflicted pain on him to avoid my own, like a coward. I wished she would just end this all.

"Time to go, my lady." I felt Avlyn gently grab my shoulder and steer me out of the room. I let my feet shuffle on the floor but didn't fight it. Finally, I'd get locked in the dungeons, just like I deserved. Finally, I could stop pretending like I had any worth. It filled me with vacant relief.

Aftera few minutes of silence, Avlyn led me into not a dungeon cell but a small room with a table at the center, likely used for meetings. They sat me in a chair and pulled another out to straddle it, arms crossed over the back, facing me.

"How did he get into the castle?"

Iblinked at them. "What?"

Avlynlifted one hand and rubbed their eyebrows with their thumb and forefinger. "Pallas, please, don't make this difficult. How did Luxos get into the castle?" They paused, then added, "And how did he get out?"

Ifinally met their gaze. "You saw. He's a shadow walker."

Theylet out a long exhale accompanied by an elongated fuuucccckkkk. "Just one godsdamned thing after another, isn't it? I assume Abraxas' wards are fading?"

Inodded, and they scrubbed their hands over their face. "Guess that's what I get for giving him so much shit for maintaining them over the centuries. It would have been easy for you to leave with him. Why didn't you?"

Ididn't answer. It wasn't a difficult question; the answer was deceptively simple. I didn't want to go. Even thinking it somehow felt like a betrayal. But a betrayal to whom?

Thecommander and I held each other's stare until a small squeak of the door opening broke the silence. I heard the pattering of eight small feet as Spinner pushed himself up against my legs, looking for scratches.

Avlynlooked down at the beast and sighed. "He's getting way too big; he seems to like you." I reached down and scratched the beast's head until he emitted those unnerving clicks of satisfaction.

Avlynsighed again and rose out of their chair. "Alright then, well, time to go."

"Straight to the dungeons, I assume."

"No, I have something much worse planned for you…" Avlyn's face didn't match their threatening words as a slight smile played on their lips. My stomach bottomed out anyway. I deserved this punishment, but I was still a coward, and my hands shook as I gripped my dress on top of my thighs.

"You're going to help me restore the wards," Avlyn finished with a flourish.

"Is that…punishment?" I asked.

"I'll let you be the judge of that once I show you where we have to go."

"Why?"

Avlyngave me a quizzical look. "You said yourself that they need to be restored. No time like the present."

"No, I mean, why me? I'm the consort of the man you've declared war against. I could sabotage them."

"I doubt you could make them worse than they currently are, besides…" Avlyn held my gaze with theirs, and it felt like they were peering right into my soul. "Are you going to sabotage them?"

"No…" I said slowly.

"Well, there you have it."

"Commander, that's stupid. I could be lying."

"You're not." Avlyn headed for the door. "Come along, my lady. We're going to have to get you a new outfit."