Chapter 17

"If you would give me a chance to explain, I know you'll understand."

"No explanation needed. Jazarius was immature, but I would take him any day over a liar. You have looked me in the eye for weeks, whispering sweet everythings to me, knowing your words were hollow and forced by your job. There were a million red flags that I refused to see."

"Red flags? Tessa, I'm standing here, waving a fucking white flag. Surrendering my heart. Giving you my protection, and my whole heart to you." I tug her into my chest and for a split second, her body relaxes into mine, but instead of sliding her arms around me, she presses her palms against my chest. "Just go back with me to the cabin and if you don't believe every word, I'll walk away."

She straightens and smacks my chest. "You're joking, right? I have to find my parents because you…" She sticks her finger in my face before she continues, "Ordered a hit on him." Tessa wipes the tears from her cheeks as they fall.

"That's not what I did."

"I don't want to hear it. Don't call me ever again." Pushing past me, Serita waits for her by the opening where the door used to be. With both of our hearts shredded, I let Tessa walk away because a guy like me doesn't deserve a woman like Tessa. Poisonous thoughts creep into my mind just like all those years ago.

I pick up a dusty, empty beer bottle and hurl it across the room and as it shatters, I remind myself that I've been just fine on my own for fifteen years. But have I?

Riddler calls to me, "We need to get to the office for our official statements."

The office is the last place I want to be, buried in paperwork when all I want is to set things right with Tessa. Reluctantly, I trail after Riddler as we exit. The crisp, clear night, ideal for taking a romantic ride with the woman I love over the moonlit hills, yet it's not a possibility. Instead of sharing the night with her, I find myself parking in front of a makeshift office in E-town.

"Great work, fellas." The director of field operations shakes our hands and smiles. "Taking Mr. Hatton out of the equation will allow us to use him again, since the Chicago syndicate thinks it was the St. Louis MC that hijacked part of their shipment. We have five of the Chicago men in custody and three of the St Louis men who'll be let go per the arrangement, but we'll hold them a full forty-eight hours to make it look good. As you know, we've recovered millions of dollars' worth of guns. The agency will decide how to move forward from here. Take a few weeks off. We'll be in touch with your next assignment."

After filling out all of the required paperwork, I shift my focus and head to E-town General Hospital to visit Mr. Hatton. As I ride, the sun rises, stroking the trees with shimmering steaks. Birds chirp, and the leaves rustle, giving my tired and aching heart a glimmer of hope that her father can convince Tessa I wasn't trying to kill him.

The receptionist at the information desk gives me his room number, but I'll need to check with nurse if I want to enter his room.

Of course, I don't ask the nurse. I peek through the slim, rectangular window and see Tessa's mom by his bed, holding his hand. I tap my knuckles against the window, and Mrs. Hatton waves me inside.

"How is he?"

"He's been sedated most for the night. He was having nightmares, pulling out his oxygen and ripping off all the tubes attached to him. But he's going to be okay, thanks to you."

I laugh in her face. "Do you know what I did?"

"He told me everything before they put him to sleep."

"Then you know I had someone hit his motorcycle."

"To save him from himself."

"No, to save Tessa the pain of finding out her dad is involved in criminal activity. I never wanted to hurt her. Damn, I tried desperately not to fall in love with her and just do my job. She made it impossible with her laugh and her I-love-life attitude."

Her mom grabs my hand, offering a comforting squeeze. "She'll come around when the hurt wears a little thinner," she reassures me, her voice soft and empathetic.

"Has she been here?" I ask with a mixture of guilt and concern.

"She was just here, but she left to go home and shower. Give her some time, Beckett. Tessa loves her father with all her heart, so it's not just about you lying to her. She's also coming to terms with the realization that her dad is fallible," her mother explains, a sense of understanding and compassion reflected in her words.

"Thank you. I need to know there's a chance. Call me when he wakes up."

"I will, dear."

When I leave, I drive by Tessa's house and sit in the circular driveway, hoping she'll come out. They have security cameras, so she knows it's me even if she didn't hear all the horsepower drive up.

My mom messages me and the idea of brunch with my family suddenly feels like a welcome distraction, a chance to be wrapped in their love and support amidst the turmoil.

Once I told Beau about being an undercover agent, he encouraged me to share the information with our parents. I ended up telling them yesterday morning before I picked up Tessa. Seeing the pride in their eyes is a moment I'll never forget. One I'm sure Beau received all the time when he fought for our country. I no longer hold a grudge. Beau made his decisions, and I made mine. I own every fucking one of them.

The cabin feels empty even with Tessa's clothes, bags, and toiletries strewn all over every room. And the flowers I filled the cabin with are already wilting, like my relationship. I run my fingers over the candy charcuterie board that's half-eaten. Pick up the empty can of La Croix. Pull her silk floral robe to my nose. It's fruity and fresh, just like her. I search the bathroom for her perfume and find it's called Angel and has only a sliver of liquid the color of pink champagne left in the bottom.

I sit on the bed and for the first time since Beau and I reconciled, I cry. Although I used to believe I didn't deserve love or happiness, I know I do. Tessa made me feel it. It wasn't a conscious decision.

As I walk over to brunch with my family, my mind is flooded with memories from my youth and Beau by my side. When one of us takes a punch, we both do. When he was in Afghanistan, I felt it in my gut every single time something hurt him, whether it be physically or emotionally. That hasn't changed. He texted me in the early morning hours asking if I was okay.

The large, rustic, picnic-style table holds my entire family, but not any part of the new family members I had last night. Tessa's favorite flowers adorn the table, and I notice the mimosas at every place setting with a raspberry garnish she requested. My lids fall.

"Where's Tessa?" Mom asks. Beau and Vanessa take a deep breath.

"She's not coming," Beau and I say in unison. He knows even though I haven't told him.

I continue to give them all of the details I'm allowed. I swallow hard. "There was a time when I would have given up, feeling not good enough. And maybe I'm not. It's possible that I am the worst possible choice for her. But this time, I know what love truly is—it's not an obsession. It's ripping yourself open for the person to see all your flaws and accepting them. I'm going to make sure Tessa knows how much I love her."

Vanessa walks over to embrace me. "I know exactly what to do."

So that afternoon, I sit in the cabin, among Tessa's belongings, and write her a letter.