Chapter Eleven

Raptor

OVER THE LAST two weeks, Devil and I have gotten into the best routine we can with the baby and Genesis in our home. Genesis told us the routine she has Matie on and we've stuck to it the best we can. It's easy since Devil and I work opposite shifts every day. While I work during the day to get the auto parts store ready to open again, he works nights at Enchantment. So, I take care of Matie at night once I'm done with work and Devil takes care of him during the day and after he gets out of work. I don't know what they do during the day, but when I'm home, Matie is my only priority and I keep him on schedule with his food, naps, and when it's time to get him ready for bed. I've learned everything I have to do for him and it hasn't always been easy.

The first time I gave Matie a bath, I honestly don't know who was covered in more water. Or if the bathroom had more water coating every surface than what was in the tub. Matie had a good time kicking and splashing, playing with the few toys Genesis has for him. I quickly learned to bathe him fast and get him out of the water before everything was covered in water. Matie still had fun and got to play, but I minimalized the damage the best I can. It's definitely a learning curve when you're dealing with babies and taking care of them.

Feeding Matie is also an experience I won't soon forget. I've been covered in more baby food every single time. The only time I'm not is when I give him a bottle. At dinner time, I usually end up with baby food on my face, in my hair, and covering my clothing. The stuff is disgusting and I don't know how babies eat the stuff. I guess they like it though because Matie usually devours everything I feed him. When he's not blowing raspberries in it that is. And the cereal is gross looking. I've only given him that once over the last two weeks and I'm glad Devil is typically the one to feed him breakfast.

I don't know how Genesis has been doing this on her own for so long. Devil and everyone in the club has been helping me and I'm still exhausted and feel like I'm doing something wrong on a daily basis. Is this what parents feel when they have kids? I don't know what I'm doing, but I do the best I can and Genesis has assured me more than once that I'm doing a good job. Matie is happy, fed, clean, and changed when he needs it. I make sure he plays and read him books when it's time for him to go to bed at night. That's a new addition to his routine and I love reading the various stories to him. Matie looks at the pictures in the books when he's not trying to take it from me to eat. Yeah, everything goes in his little mouth and we have to make sure nothing is on the floor or anywhere close to him when it's time to play.

Genesis spends most of her time in the late afternoon and evenings in the living room. She remains in the bedroom we gave her until just after lunch and then gets ready to come out and sit with whoever is in the house and Matie. Doc is happy that she's not pushing herself and doing everything he tells her to do while she heals. The only part he's not happy with is that she refuses to take more pain medicine than what she absolutely needs. Usually first thing in the morning is the only time she takes a pain pill. When he asked her the reason for her decision, Genesis told him that since she doesn't know what kind of people her parents were, she can't be sure they're not addicts and she refuses to get hooked on drugs of any kind. It's also the reason she doesn't drink a drop of alcohol. Even during her teenage years when kids party and drink, she didn't touch a single drink.

I try to let Genesis do a little bit when she's out in the living room. She hates being waited on and doesn't like to feel as if she's a burden. Honestly, I love taking care of Genesis and Matie. Still, she gets up and grabs a snack or bottle of water when she's out in the living room and always makes sure she takes a few things in her room with her each night she returns so she doesn't have to come out once she gets settled in for the night. Devil and I still have to help her go to the bathroom every now and then when she's having a bad day. For the most part, she's figured out how to get her pants up and down one-handed and doesn't need us. Morgan and Hope are the ones who help her wash up in a bath. Devil and I aren't about to push past any boundaries she has in place so we made arrangements for them to see her when she's at her most vulnerable.

Morgan and Hope come up to see Genesis and the baby on a daily basis. They're slowly getting to know Genesis as much as she'll let them into her world. Savannah and Annabell come up as well, but they're busy with the club, work, kids, and other stuff around the compound. Plus, they don't want to overwhelm Genesis and make her feel as if she has to let anyone from the club in her life at this point. No one knows what's going on with her and Devil and I aren't speaking. We know where we stand and for now it's enough. It's nice to see her spending time with the girls and letting them in to a certain point. I've seen the hesitation though. Genesis doesn't let anyone close because she's never had anyone try to stay in her life no matter what's going on. She'll quickly learn Morgan and Hope aren't going to let her push them away for very long. Kat comes up too, but she sleeps during the day for her shift at Enchantment each night. She's working every night while Devil interviews bartenders and other staff to fill the open spots.

The only time I really talk to Devil is when it's about the baby or Genesis. We update one another when I get home from work and then again when he gets home. I typically wake up just before Devil gets home to check on the baby and make sure Genesis is asleep and not in enough pain that warrants her to take medicine. When we are at the house during the same time, I put all of my focus on Genesis and Matie and don't let myself think about Devil and how all of this would be different if I wasn't so upset with him and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward with or without him in my life.

I lay awake in bed every night for hours trying to figure out exactly what I want from him and what I'm okay with accepting. The only thing I know for sure is that it hurts more than I ever thought possible to realize Devil is the guy I love with my entire heart and he's more than my best friend. Devil is my best friend, lover, my confidant, and the person who knows me better than anyone else in this world. He's been there for every high and low in my life and had my back more than anyone else. I've been the same for him and I'm ready to let everyone know how I feel about him. That's why it hurts so fucking much to feel like his dirty little secret. I understand completely that he has reservations about sharing our relationship status with his family—sharing the news with our family. I can't only have pieces of him when time allows it and no one else is around to see something we don't want them seeing.

Genesis has caught on very easily as to what's going on between the two of us. I've talked to her about the situation when I'm home with her as long as no one else is around. She listens to how I feel and tries to give me advice on the situation the best she can. From what she's told me, Genesis has never been in a relationship with anyone and has only been used for sex and other shit. Another reason she doesn't let anyone in her life. Genesis understands how I feel and doesn't make me feel like a piece of shit for wanting more with Devil. She told me I deserve to have our family members know and not to settle for anything less than that. I'm sure she's talked to Devil too. The only reason I say that is because she truly is the only other person who knows about us and it gives us someone to talk to for a different perspective on the situation. She has no stake in our relationship and doesn't know how we feel about her. It's the one thing Devil and I haven't talked about in detail.

Today, Genesis isn't feeling very good. She's got a headache and her stomach is feeling off. Doc has a full day of appointments but is gonna come check on her as soon as he can. He's not happy with the possibility of her getting sick while she's still healing and is fearful she's gotten some kind of infection despite her taking all of the antibiotic he put her on when the attack happened. Devil and I have ensured all the cuts are clean and kept dry as they heal. Most of them are gone now and we don't need to keep such a close eye on her because of them. Hell, most of the bruising is now so faded you can hardly tell she was hurt to begin with. There are just a few lingering spots where the bruising still looks fresh with its dark purple coloring that's slowly starting to fade to blue and that nasty yellowish green color. So, I'm keeping Matie in the living room with me instead of letting him hang out with her for a while. Genesis still can't do much with him, but she refuses not to spend any time with him each day.

Sitting on the floor with Matie as he plays with some of those large blocks that won't fit in his mouth, I watch as Devil enters the room. He's wearing a pair of sweatpants that sit low on his hips, showing off every dip and ridge of his muscled body. His beanie covers his head already and it's the only thing he's wearing besides the pants. When he catches me staring at his body, Devil smirks in that sexy way that always turns me on because he knows what I'm thinking as I lick my lips in the thought of tasting him once again. It's been way too long since we've been together and one of the few reasons I miss him. Our relationship isn't strictly physical, but times like this is what I miss the most about him. I swear, Devil knows exactly what he's doing walking around in nothing more than sweatpants he purposely wears as low as possible, showcasing that V he's got.

"Genesis feelin' any better?" he asks, his voice still raspy and filled with sleep as he steps closer to where I sit with Matie.

"No. Doc will be here as soon as he's done with the patients he has lined up for appointments today. He's worried about her gettin' some kind of infection despite the antibiotics she's been on and finished. He wants to do some blood work, will bring more medicine, and hopefully he'll have answers soon," I inform him of what Doc said when we were on the phone earlier today.

Devil was up long enough for me to get home from work and saw how shitty Genesis feels today. He called Doc and left a message because he was busy. By the time Doc was able to call back, Devil was already asleep for the few hours he allows himself to get each day. Devil sleeps just enough to function and not a second more.

"I hate that she's feelin' like shit again. It seems like she just started bein' able to get through each day without bein' in a ton of pain. I know her arm and ribs still bother her, but it gets a little better each day. If she gets set back by some kind of infection, I'm not sure how she'll deal with that. Genesis is tryin' to be strong as fuck and not let this shit get to her, but she has nightmares still. I've had to go in a few times and calm her down. Last night I had to climb in bed with her and hold her before she'd listen to my voice and push the nightmare away," Devil informs me, his voice sending a shiver over me as he crouches down next to me and his knee brushes against my thigh.

I try to remain unaffected by the slight touch from him, but I can't. Moving slightly to the side so we're not touching, I try to focus on the conversation we're having. Devil pretends he doesn't see the torment he's causing me, but he feels the same shit I do right now and it's hard as fuck not to react when he's so damn close to me. I want to rest my hand on his thigh and feel the thick, hard muscles bunch and release with a simple touch from me. Devil's body is a work of art and he spends hours honing each muscle. Not just by spending countless hours in the gym at the clubhouse, but from the work he does outside. Devil is always cleaning up something and helping people in the community.

Lately, he's been working for an elderly woman around her yard. He's pulling old bushes that haven't produced flowers in years while replacing them with new ones. He mows the yard, cleans up the flower beds, and anything else she needs his help with. I love that he does this shit because not many people know that's where he disappears to. The only reason I know is because I overheard him talking to Genesis about it.

"Devil, I gotta say somethin'. I need you to truly hear me and try to understand where I'm comin' from," I tell him, knowing the time is now for us to talk once again. "I understand where you're comin' from by not tellin' your family about us. You're not ready and I won't ever push you on this decision. However, the way you're talkin' you're never gonna be ready to tell anyone about us. As far as anyone will know we're best friends who are lookin' for a woman to share our lives with. I will always feel like your dirty little secret and I'm not okay with livin' my life that way. No one will accept livin' like that for very long. Do you see where I'm comin' from at all here?"

Devil doesn't look at me, but keeps his attention on Matie where he sits on the floor in front of us. For the longest time, the only sounds filling the house are those of Matie babbling to himself and the slamming of one toy block into another one. He loves slamming them together. Or making a tower tumble to the floor once we've built him one. I think we've all been there at one point or another as we were growing up. To see the pure joy radiating from his little face is something that soothes the deepest depths of my soul.

"Wade, I do understand where you're comin' from. That's never been an issue. If you were doin' the same thing to me, I'd feel as if I were some kind of secret you didn't want the world to know about. However, that's not the case. Yeah, we all grew up in the club but our positions aren't the same. You have one dad who's the Road Captain of the club and your other dad is a full patch member. Everyone in the club respects them both and they've proven their loyalty and worth over the years in countless ways. There's no debatin' that shit. My dad is the fuckin' Vice President of the Phantom Bastards mother chapter. On top of that, my grandpa is the damn President of the club. I've looked to both of them and the way they see me is everythin'. If they're disappointed or can't accept this part of who I am, I don't know what I'll do.

"It feels as if no matter what I do, I'm the one with everythin' to lose. If I don't tell anyone about us and just let people think we're best friends who want to share a woman, then I'll lose you. If I open up and tell our family members and the guys here about our relationship, then I lose my family, the respect of everyone in the club, and so many other things. I'm stuck behind a rock and a hard place. Wade, I love you and there isn't a doubt in my mind or deep in my soul about that shit. I just need time to figure out the best way to tell everyone what's goin' on and to prepare myself to lose everyone I love and care about. To lose the club that I've dreamed of bein' in my entire life. Can you understand that?" Devil says, his voice breaking with the emotion coursing through him as he finally looks at me and I can see the pain and desperation in his eyes.

"I can understand that, Dylan. It's never been about what I can or can't understand. The only thing is that I have a feelin' you're not gonna lose anythin' and yet you still won't risk a single thing for me. That's not love, Dylan. If you truly loved me, you wouldn't fuckin' hesitate to tell people about us. Put Genesis in my position. Are you gonna hesitate to tell anyone about her because she doesn't fit the mold of who everyone feels a biker should be with?" I ask him to get him to truly see where I'm coming from.

"No. I don't give a fuck what people think," he states, contradicting himself without thought.

"That's my point right there, Dylan. You just said you don't give a fuck what people think if it's about Genesis. When it comes to me, you care more about that than you do me. Like I said, that's not love. It's you wantin' to keep me a secret so you can appear as someone you're not to your family and everyone else in our lives. Dylan, I can't live like this anymore. I refuse to feel the way I do. I'm the one up every damn night because you're all I can think about. Then my thoughts drift to why I'm not fuckin' good enough and what I'm doin' wrong to make you want to keep our relationship hidden from the world.

"I've been thinkin' about this shit for a while and have talked to Genesis about it. For the time bein', I'm gonna move back to the clubhouse. I'll be here durin' the night when you're at work after I get home from work. The second I get back to the compound, I'll shower and get here so you can get a few hours of sleep after bein' up with the baby all day long. I'll stay until you get home from work and head back to my room once again. If I'm here and you're not sleepin', I would appreciate it if you disappeared to the clubhouse or somewhere else. I can't be around you and I'm not going to make myself act as if you mean nothin' to me when my heart is shatterin' in my fuckin' chest. That starts now. I'll be back in a few hours when you're ready to head out. If you need someone here before then, call Morgan. She knows to expect your call," I tell Devil as I stand from the floor of the living room and lean back down to pick Matie up in my arms.

Giving the little boy a kiss on the top of his head, I hold him close for a minute with my eyes closed so I don't have to see Devil. After a moment, I hand him over to my best friend and head for the hallway where my room is. Grabbing the bag I already packed, I walk back out and pause for just a second. The need for Devil to stop me fills me to the point it's all I can think about as my heart races and the breath stalls in my lungs. When he says nothing, I drop my head and walk out of the house. As the door shuts behind me, it sounds as if Devil says he doesn't want me to go, yet he makes no move to stop me. With my heart shattered and shredding my insides to pieces, I head for my bike and climb on. This was supposed to be the house Devil and I built our life in. We've got the girl inside, her baby playing in the living room, and yet I'm about to move back to the clubhouse because Devil can't choose me. Call me selfish or an asshole, but I can't help how I feel about the situation. Neither can Devil.