23. Kai

TWENTY-THREE

You can't play pretend forever.

~ Holly Black

I'm pacing the living room. Literally pacing. Like the way one of those dads waiting for the birth of their child paced the hospital waiting room in old movies. Only, I'm not awaiting a birth.

I'm debating with myself.

Call her.

Don't call her.

Call her.

Don't call her.

"What is going on?" Bodhi comes around the corner from the hallway followed by my sister.

"What?" I look up at them, stopping dead in my tracks when I do.

Shaka stops right behind me.

"Why are the two of you trying to wear a groove in the hardwood?" Bodhi asks.

"Nothing. I'm just working something out."

"Such as?" Bodhi asks.

"Nothing. Everything."

"You and Mila?" Kalaine asks.

"Sort of."

"Did you two fight?" she asks.

"What? No." I shake my head. "Not at all. We're good."

I look between my sister and Bodhi. Then I drop my head into my hands, rub the heels of my palms into my eyes and look back at them.

"Spill it, bro," Bodhi says, leaning onto the back of the couch and crossing his arms over his chest.

"You can talk to us, Kai," Kala says with a softness to her voice that basically cracks me open.

"You'd better sit," I tell them.

They stare at me with twin expressions of confusion, then at one another. Bodhi rounds the couch with Kala on his heels. Shaka follows and hops up on an empty cushion once they're seated, plopping his head in Kala's lap.

I guess I'm doing this.

"I really didn't want to tell you before your wedding."

"Is Mila pregnant?" Kalaine guesses.

"No! What? Why would you think that?"

"You're obviously freaked out," Bodhi answers for my sister.

"Not over anything like that. She's not. At all."

Kala giggles.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

"You. You're so intense."

Bodhi gives Kalaine a look that causes her to relax into him. It's an effect only he has on her.

I think of how Mila relaxes into my arms. Only that's not real, and what these two have has been forged by fire. It doesn't get much more real than Bodhi and Kalaine.

"So … while you were gone?" I start.

They nod.

I talk faster than I've ever spoken in my life. The words come out like one continuous stream. Or, more like confetti from a cannon, a colorful shredded burst that leaves a mess in its wake. Every thought and emotion I've been bottling up, explodes out of me at my sister and my best friend in one strong blast.

"I … well … you see … Brad showed up. I was just checking the pipes. Brad, Mila's ex, you know? The one you met today. So, I was fixing things. And he was there and I just said, ‘I'm the boyfriend.' And then Mila said, ‘Yes. He is.' Well, she didn't say it but she didn't not say it. So we agreed we'd go through with it. And Brad backed off when he saw me. So I was thinking this was good for Mila. But not Noah. We can't tell Noah. You guys can't tell Noah either. He'd be rattled. And after Brad showed up and wanted Noah back in his life, well, we had to do something. So that's what we did. But we didn't intend for it to get so out of hand. Now the whole island thinks it's real, which complicates everything. And then I started feeling things. I never thought I'd feel like this for anyone. But I do. I'm consumed with these feelings. And thoughts. All the thoughts all the time: Mila, Mila, Mila. She's all I think about. Her and Noah.

"And I don't know if she feels the same way. Sometimes I think she does. And other times I think I'm alone in this. And we had to tell Chloe. But we didn't tell Mila's aunts. So that's why I had to kiss her at the party. And, that kiss. It was nothing as far as kisses go, but then again, it was everything. It's all I think about now. A simple kiss. One I don't even know if I should have given her in front of everyone. And touching her knee. I think of that too. But then we talked most of the night. I've never felt so comfortable on a phone call. Just a phone call. But it was a long call. Hours. And we never ran out of things to say. Neither of us wanted to hang up. That's why I'm so twisted up over her. One minute I think she's right there with me. And another I know it doesn't matter what she feels.

"And now I'm telling you, but you can't tell Brad. Not that you'll see him. And of course you wouldn't tell him. But you also can't tell Ben. Absolutely not Ben. Or anyone, really. Talk about a disaster. I really didn't want to dump any of this on you before the wedding. We should all be thinking about your wedding. And we will be. I promise. I'll set all this aside to focus on you and the wedding."

I point at each of them. "I won't mess up your wedding. It means everything to me to see you two get married."

They nod, their faces look … stunned. But, apparently, I'm not finished expelling every last thought in my head, because I start in again. I still need to figure out what Mila needs. That's what matters right now, not my feelings or what we're doing to keep Brad at bay.

"So here I am, pacing at ten at night, after a long day on the beach, trying to figure out if I should try to call her or leave her alone. I mean, would she want to hear from me after a day like today? You know? Or does she need space? Today was the first day Brad ever met Noah—his own son. Mila might need me. But then again, she might not want me. What do you think?"

I stare at Bodhi and Kalaine.

They stare back.

I'm waiting for an answer, but they just stare.

And stare.

And stare.

Finally, Bodhi looks at Kalaine. "Did you understand any of that?"

"My brother's in love," she answers him.

"Obviously." Bodhi chuckles lightly. "But he may also need emergency medical attention."

She giggles softly.

"I don't need medical attention."

"Are you sure? Did you bump your head?" Bodhi seems sincere.

"No. I didn't bump my head. I'm just trying to discern whether I should call Mila or give her space. My gut says call. But I always jump headlong. I'm trying not to be overbearing."

"Hallelujah!" my sister shouts, throwing both arms up in the air.

I roll my eyes at her outburst.

"Seriously, though, Kai," Bodhi says. "I missed the gist of what you were saying. Can you repeat it, but a little less Alvin the Chipmunk on an energy drink and a lot more actual facts we can track with?"

So, I do. I slow down, take a breath, and then I tell them everything, even though my mind keeps traveling up the island to the North Shore where Mila is dealing with the aftermath of today's events alone.

I tell them how Brad showed up, how my knee-jerk instinct was to protect Mila, how I blurted out that I was the boyfriend, and how we thought we'd just fake it with him—only him. I fill them in on the way this first lie gave birth to hundreds of others. And then I ask their forgiveness for not being honest with them in the first place.

They easily forgive me. I'm not sure I would if the shoe were on the other foot, but I'm infinitely grateful they aren't mad. I couldn't take it right now. If anything, they're amused, as if seeing me all twisted up over a woman is better than catching a sold-out comedy show at the resort.

When I'm finished, Bodhi and Kalaine stare at me again.

"Fake dating. You two are faking?" Kalaine asks, even though we've just gone over the whole story at length and in detail.

"Yeah."

"You aren't faking," Bodhi clarifies.

"I'm not. Not anymore."

"And I don't think she is either," Kala says. "You should see the way she looks at you. And the way she leans in whenever you put your arm around her. I know Mila. She's not like that with anyone."

"She's dead set on waiting until Noah's out of the house before she even entertains the thought of trying to date or of allowing romance into her life."

"Dead set?" Bodhi asks, and when I nod definitively, he lets out a low whistle.

"Go to her," Kala says.

"Tonight?"

"Yes. Go now. As a friend. She trusts you, Kai. And today was too big for her to have to process alone. Mila does so much on her own. I don't think she should have to face this without the support of someone who cares for her the way you do."

I'm up and out of my chair before Kala even says, the way you do.

"Go get your girl …" Bodhi repeats what he said on the beach and I smile back at him.

I call Mila on my way out the door.

"Hey," I say when she answers. "What are you doing?"

"Honestly?"

"Well, yeah. I was going to ask how you are, but I think I know, so I went with, ‘What are you doing?' So … tell me."

Mila laughs and a tightness I hadn't even acknowledged unfurls in my chest. I climb into the golf cart.

"I'm sitting on the floor of my walk-in pantry with a tupperware of cookies on my lap."

I think she takes a bite because I can hear her chewing.

"Why are you on the floor? Did you fall?"

I depress the gas pedal a little harder, but face it, this is a golf cart. I'm probably pushing fifteen miles an hour tops. I look like Gru's assistant, Doctor Nefario, going mach speeds that resemble a slug on vacation.

"No, Kai. I didn't fall. I'm in a therapy session. Cookie therapy."

"Ahhh." I smile. "Sounds like the right move after the day you introduce your ex-husband to Noah."

"Thanks."

"Do you ever eat ice cream with your cookies?"

"Of course. I'm not a heathen."

I smile again. Man. This woman.

"Well, I happened to have seen a container of Handel's Graham Central Station and another of Tin Lizzie in the backup freezer the other day. What's your poison?"

"Here? At the inn?"

"Yep. And I can come dish some up for you. You don't even need to stand up. You can stay sequestered with your cookies. I'll just dish you up a bowl and bring it to you."

"Kai?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are you offering to travel across an entire island to serve me Handel's ice cream?"

"I guess I am. Yeah. That's what friends do on days like this."

"Friends. Yeah. That's what we are, huh?"

"Mila, you'll always be my friend." The word doesn't even begin to encompass what she is, but I know she needs a friend, and I'm determined to be that for her tonight. "I'll always care when you have crap days. You don't have to huddle in your pantry alone."

"You'll huddle in my pantry with me?" She giggles.

"If that's what you want? We can make a blanket fort and hang out like I do with Noah when it rains."

"You're the best."

"So … that's a yes?"

"Yes. And it's a yes to both flavors. I think I need to do a taste test."

"You definitely do."

"Oh, and Kai?"

"Yeah? What's up, Hot Dog?"

"Stop it with that nickname."

"You love it. You know you secretly love it."

Mila's still for a beat. Then she says, "Be quiet when you come through the front doors. Actually, come around back. I have this guest here from Scotland. He's up all hours as it is. I don't want to alert him to the fact that I'm awake and in the kitchen."

The idea of Mila in a house with a Scotsman after dark puts a fire under me. I'm sure she's safe. She has a lock on the hallway leading to the wing of the house where she and Noah sleep. She has neighbors right next door and across the street, and they all look out for her. Besides, her guests have to submit their personal details and pass a screening from a company she hires online before a reservation is finalized. Most people coming to Marbella are as harmless as the residents of the island.

Still, I don't like her being alone with a man—let alone some guy in a skirt with bagpipes and a brogue. Women love that stuff. All a guy has to do is stand in a field wearing plaid, speaking in a half-intelligible accent and his Instagram account goes viral. Add in a highland coo and the dude's practically a celebrity. "'Ere's me wee coo. Doncha luhv ‘er?"

"Kai?" Mila says.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for faking. I don't know how I would have gotten through today without you by my side."

I'm not faking. I'm falling, and I can't stop myself. I may as well have stepped off a cliff. All my thoughts and emotions point north to Mila's Place, like a compass needle, vibrating in the direction of its home. She's my true north. And I'm a ship at sea recalibrating my course according to the magnetic pull she has on me.