3. Amanda

AMANDA

After the baby was a couple of months old, Deidre went back to work, and Cecile babysat. Every evening before he came home to me, Dan would go to his mother’s house to spend time with his son; he was ecstatic, more excited than I’d seen him in a while.

He was on cloud nine; the final goal in his life’s dream had finally been fulfilled, while I had died a thousand deaths in the last seven months. I don’t know exactly what it was that brought me back to earth, but I knew that it was about the third or fourth time I’d been invited to the in-law’s home only to find Deidre there.

There were pictures taken in which I had been asked to stand to the side while Dan, Deidre, and Dan Jr. were front and center with the rest of the family around them. This time, for some reason, it struck me where I live.

After that night, there was a pattern. Deidre and her child would take center stage at every family event, and the excuse was always that it was for the baby. The baby needed to feel safe and secure with both parents.

One day, I looked in the mirror at what I had become, and I didn’t like it. That day, I left work early and drove straight to my parents’ house. “Well, if it isn’t the little runaway pancake.” Mom greeted me at the door as soon as she heard the car pull up.

All it took was her arms around me for the dam to break. “Amanda? Mandy? What happened? Why are you crying like that?” I told her everything, standing right there with my face buried in her chest.

My Dad came running when Mom started screaming and crying like her life was coming to an end. “What happened? Who’s hurt?” Mom filled him in, and then the two of us spent the next ten minutes holding him back from going after Dan.

“I’ll murder that son of a bitch.”

“No, Dad, you can’t, I don’t want that, please don’t do anything. I just need a place to stay for a few days until I get my thoughts together.”

“Of course, your old room is always there for you anytime you need it, you know that.” Mom helped me up the stairs and helped me to bed before taking off my shoes.

I don’t know how long I slept, but it must’ve been a while because it was much darker outside than when I arrived. I found my parents in the kitchen drinking coffee and speaking in hushed tones. They both looked up at my arrival with red, swollen eyes.

“Listen, hon, your mother and I have been talking, and we don’t think it’s a good idea for you to just vacate the marital home; it could be grounds for abandonment if you were thinking of getting a divorce, that is.”

The thing about my parents is that they never push. They might have an opinion on any given matter, but they won’t voice it unless asked. For a second, my stomach started to hurt when I thought they were going to tell me to go back.

“That’s right, Mandy, so we think you should call Dan and tell him your father, or I am sick, and you’re needed here for a few days.” I released the breath I was holding and went to hug her. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming, but they both held me as Dad got up from his seat to join us, and I fought back tears of gratitude.

They’d already asked why I hadn’t told them sooner, and I explained that Dan had asked me not to, to give him some time to find a way to explain himself. I know now that I should never have agreed to that. All it did was make me feel isolated while he had his family behind him cheering him on.

Mom was so mad at Cecile and her treatment of me that she was ready to throw hands. “What about your sisters and brothers? Should we tell them, or do you want to wait?”

“Can we wait for a bit? I don’t think I have the energy to deal with all of the questions right now. I’ll go call Dan and let him know that I’ll be staying here tonight.”

I went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face first, then did some breathing exercises to get my voice and tone under control. I felt sick to my stomach as I listened to the phone ring because I had never deceived him before.

He answered the phone, sounding a bit distracted, and from the noise in the background, it sounded like he was still at his mother’s. “Hey Dan, something came up; I’m going to stay with my parents for a few days.”

I’d forgotten what I was supposed to say. “Hold on a minute let me go in the other room.” I heard him tell someone he’d be right back and was sure I heard Deidre’s voice. “Repeat that?”

“Dad’s not feeling well, and Mom’s not doing too well either, so I’m going to go to work from here for a few days.”

“You didn’t tell them, did you?” There was sheer panic in his voice.

“No.” I couldn’t get any more out.

“That’s good. Okay, wish them well for me. I guess I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Sure.” I started to tell him that I would come by the house to get some clothes in the morning, but someone was calling him.

“I’ll be right there. I’ve gotta go, babe. Talk to you later.” I looked at the phone in my hand like it was a foreign object. I went back downstairs and pretended to eat the dinner mom put in front of me but put in the garbage disposal as soon as her back was turned.

I think that maybe, just maybe, if someone had told me at that point that I should maybe give it a try, that I would’ve fought my way back to happiness with the man I loved. Because beneath all the heartache and the pain, I was still in love with him.

But that all changed when I went home the next day for a change of clothes and found her there in my bed. I walked into the room, already expecting her because her car was in the driveway, but I was hoping against hope that she was in the nursery and there was a good excuse for her being there.

They were both asleep, wrapped around each other in my bed, and I think the last part of me that was human died. I didn’t turn on the light as I walked through the bedroom past the sleeping couple to the walk-in closet.

He must’ve heard me moving around in there because the next thing I knew he was standing in the doorway. “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming by here. What time is it?” I didn’t answer, just kept packing my bag with more clothes now than I’d intended.

“No worries, I’ll be out of your way soon.”

“I’m sorry, she had too much to drink last night, and I didn’t want her driving home with the baby.”

“What happened to the guestroom?”

“She wasn’t comfortable; look, nothing happened.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it? Just okay?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So you believe me?”

“Sure.”

“Dan, where are you? I’m cold.” She called from the bed, and he turned to go back to her before remembering which one of us he was married to.

“Go ahead.” I smiled for the first time in a long while, and it felt genuine. He saw it, too, and relaxed as he went back to the bed. I heard them whispering but couldn’t be bothered. While I was in there, I opened the safe and removed all of my important documents and half the cash that was in there.

I don’t know how I made it through the workday, but by the time I got back to my parents’ place that evening I had the number for a very reputable divorce attorney and a game plan in place.

I used the week at my parents to get everything I needed together for the divorce. Dan wasn’t even aware that I was gone because he was playing house with someone else in our home.

When he was served the following week, I had already moved out most of my clothes by going home on my lunch break and taking things away bit by bit. By the time he was served the only thing left there was the furniture.

The lawyer had assured me that there was no danger of him claiming abandonment, especially since there were no children in the marriage, and given the circumstances, no judge in his right mind would fault me for leaving.

I knew that Cecile would make trouble, so I called in some of my sick days which had accumulated over the years, which bought me roughly three weeks. My plan was to work from home after that time was up, so for now, I hunkered down at my parents’ house.

I knew Dan wouldn’t show up there for fear of what my Dad would do to him, but there was no guarantee that his mother wouldn’t. I was asking for half of everything for the house to be sold, even though the lawyer was pretty sure she could get him to give it up. I would never step foot in that place again.

He didn’t show up, but he called. “Amanda, what is this? I thought you said everything was fine. Is this because you saw her in our bed? I told you, nothing happened.”

“Okay.”

“Would you stop saying that? Why don’t you come by the house and we can talk about this. You don’t need to leave; there’s no reason for this after promising that you could handle it.”

“Well, I can’t. I can’t handle being pushed to the side while you and another woman take family pictures with your child.”

“Look, that wasn’t me, that was Mom, and I already asked her to cut it out. She just wants Junior to have good memories when he grows up.”

“And that’s what I want too. For your son to have great memories with his parents, of which I am not one.” I was too tired to delve into all the things I wanted to say to him. All the hurt that I had bottled up inside for the past few months. I just wanted to be done.

“I have to go.” I hung up the phone feeling listless and like all the life had been sucked out of me. Cecile called not long after and berated me for doing things this way. When I didn’t rise to the bait, she went low and called me barren and not worthy of her son. I just hung up the phone and crawled into bed to cry.

My family rallied around me once the news broke, and Mom and Dad were there every step of the way for the divorce procedure. Luckily, we didn’t have to go to court since everything was handled between the lawyers and mediators at my request.

I didn’t want to see Dan, didn’t want to be in the same room as him or have to talk to him ever again. I’d already blocked him everywhere and had told our friends what was going on. Most of them were outraged and promised to cut him out of their lives, but I knew that wasn’t going to help, and he was going to need all the help he could get with his child.

So, I asked them not to do that on my account. I think I knew deep down that I wasn’t planning to stick around, so it wouldn’t have made much of a difference to me anyway.