Chapter 11

Inever imagined that there'd be something I'd care about more than hockey. When I see baby Sawyer asleep in his little bassinet, Presley in her bed with her breast pump still next to her pillow, I feel incredibly blessed. Being a father was not something that was ever really on my radar, but being at Presley's side and helping with Sawyer has brought me so much joy. They are a piece of my heart that I never knew was missing.

The milk she pumped is on her nightstand with the storage caps in place. I've learned the ins and outs of storing breast milk and, while I know that this fresh milk will last for four hours, Sawyer prefers the stuff straight from the tap. I can't really blame him.

After I put everything away and clean up Presley's pump parts, I let them sleep and decide to go take a look at social media and what's been happening since we left the hospital.

There were a lot of paps when we left. I wasn't sure Presley would be able to handle it but, like most things she does, she handled it with grace. The hospital staff arranged for us to get out through a back employee entrance, so no one was able to get any shots of new mom Presley with our sweet baby Sawyer.

Instead of a feed full of congratulations and well wishes, I found my worst nightmare. Everyone was dumping on my past and how it might make me a shit for brains dad now that I have a baby.

They all want to know about Presley and the sentiment seems like one of pity. That's nothing compared to what they say about me. Hockey pre-season ends soon, and I haven't been in public since before Sawyer was born. This was apparently a bad move.

They think I'm hiding, that I'm retreating into #dadlife, that I've already let myself go and I'm going to abandon my team to be with my new family.

Presley and I need to talk, we need to make sure what we are before this media thing blows up. There's a huge fear of mine that if we get so close, like we kind of are now, and with how attached I am to Sawyer, what if her ex comes back in the picture and takes him away from us?

Once we define who we are to each other, then we can have the team's public relations department put out a press release to smooth things over online.

I've been so happy with Presley and Sawyer here these past couple weeks. I shouldn't have ruined it by going online but I did. Now our newborn bubble is popped. Obliterated. Completely gone.

Presley is gonna be up in a couple hours, and I need to be there for her. I want to be there, but I can't stop seeing those comments in my mind.

It's like the worst RSS feed I've ever seen, scrolling across my vision while I spread peanut butter and strawberry jam on the whole grain bread I'd bought on a pre-coming home grocery run. I'd made sure Presley had all the best for her and Sawyer.

How can I keep this up when practice starts again, though? I'll be gone for hours every day. Presley deserves a peaceful postpartum healing period and Sawyer deserves to live the first months of his life without his face on every social media site. So, I have to get the paps and social media under control so she doesn't have to worry about it and can feel safe while I'm at work.

If our talk means that she needs me to walk away, it will rip my soul out and hurt like hell, but her and Sawyer's well-being means more to me than my own hurt. I'm not his dad, I'm here because I'm falling for his mom, and I fell for him the moment I saw him. However, if it means that they will be safe, and neither of them will have to deal with the stupid shit of the media, then I'll do it.

I lay my head back on the couch and have all kinds of serious scenarios running on a loop in my head, until I finally fall asleep.

I'm startled awake with Sawyer's crying. I jump up and go through the motions getting Sawyer, kissing his little head to comfort him as I place him in his mother's arms and making sure she has pillows propped up in places where she needs them, exactly like I have these last few weeks.

After I get them both settled and hear the little suckles of the baby feeding, I lay at the foot of the bed and watch both of them. Presley sits up, leaning against the headboard with her head resting back on the pillow and her eyes closed while Sawyer has a death grip on one of his mommy's fingers as he's cuddled next to her chest.

Fuck, I'm going to miss them if I have to walk away.

Presley must sense me watching her and opens her eyes to look at me. I give her a small smile, and she returns the gesture.

"After we get him fed, clean, and happy, we need to talk," I regretfully say.