Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

Maureen

Those were the thoughts I found myself clinging to as Trent switched from wood to a thick leather strap, similar to the one I'd used on Mira, except far more imposing.

The realization that both things could be true. That if I hadn't fucked up tonight, I might not be here, and if I wasn't here, I might have eventually run again. I would have let my thoughts and longings scare me. I would have pushed Trent away, kept him at a professional distance to keep something like this from happening.

But it was happening, and now that I was through the guilt and absolution, through the emotions of the actual punishment, I could allow myself to just… feel. To be in the moment. To lean into the pain. To let it help me work through all my big, complicated feelings, because deep down, I did believe that a good spanking could do just that.

And this one was. Boy was it.

The pain that had been so excruciating before, while I processed through my guilt, now felt decadent. Trent's voice, previously scolding me for wrongdoings, now was gentle, sliding over me like honey as he praised me for letting out my emotions, for taking my spanking so well.

He didn't know the full effects his words were having, he didn't know the way the simple praises were pouring a balm on gaping wounds.

He couldn't know how he'd brought out the side of me I'd spent so long pushing down. Was I a switch? I tried the word on for size. It felt… not quite right.

The strap continued to work its way up and down my backside, sit-spots and the tops of my thighs. Trent occasionally checked in to see where I was. Red, yellow, green. I was always green. Had been.

This time, when he asked, I cried out, "Yellow!"

The strap continued to caress my skin, falling softer now, interspersed with Trent's caring touch.

I felt something inside me break. My desire for control left me in a loud wail. And then Trent's fingers worked the cuffs, freeing me. His arms wrapped around my body, pulling me close.

Trent laid me on the bed, and curled up beside me, grabbing a throw blanket from the end of the bed and covering me with it as he pulled me closer to him.

We hadn't negotiated this. Hadn't talked about aftercare at all. If we had, I would have probably tried to be too strong, to tell him I'd be fine. Just give me water, chocolate and a hug and send me on my way.

I would have been wrong, I realized as my still-falling tears wet the fabric of his shirt. I did need this. I needed him.

I couldn't get enough, couldn't feel enough, couldn't be close enough. I pushed my body against his, craving the feel of him against me. I felt cherished when he wiped my tears, and cared for when he took my chin in his hand and tipped my face up.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently. "You took that so well. How do you feel?"

That was the loaded, million dollar question of the night. How did I feel? There were a thousand possible answers and all of them felt true.

I couldn't answer. I wasn't ready. "Water?" I rasped. "Please?"

He had to get up to get it, and I felt the loss of his presence with a deep ache, but it gave me a moment to gather my thoughts, to take stock of my body and my emotions. How did I feel?

My ass burned. My muscles ached from the restraints. My eyes were tired and heavy. I felt like I could sleep for three days straight. My throat was parched. My stomach felt hollow, just as he'd predicted it would. And yet, aside from all that, I felt… amazing.

Light. Free, like I'd gotten answers I'd been waiting for my whole life.

Trent returned, helping me to sit and holding the bottle of water to my lips, tipping it gently.

I drank thirstily, downing half the bottle in a couple gulps before pushing it away. Trent screwed the cap back on, then looked at me like he could see my soul. His eyes were full of concern and… what else? I wasn't sure.

Shame burned in my belly. I felt better about what had happened in the Dungeon after the punishment, it would have been impossible not to, but now the guilt was different. I didn't feel it over the act itself, but over putting Trent in this position. Which was stupid. It hadn't even been my idea to do so.

"I'm sorry," I whispered thickly, casting my eyes down to stare at his hands holding the water bottle. "And thank you. I know this… I know it's probably not what you wanted to do tonight."

Trent's response was a scoff that turned into a low, deep chuckle, before he took my chin in the crook of his fingers and forced me to look at him.

"I didn't want to help a friend? I didn't want to put my hands on a very sexy woman? I didn't want to stripe her ass and paddle her hard and help her release guilt?" He frowned. "I'm not sure why I wouldn't want to do those things. They happen to be some of my very favorite things to do. Just like right now, I want to hold you, and hug you and talk or not talk. I want to be here for you. For whatever you need."

What did I need? The common aftercare kit touted by experts was warm blankets, snuggles, chocolate, and water. It's what I myself went with in situations like these ones, but it wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I needed.

"I need…" I trailed off, licking my lips. He should say no. This was a punishment. A well-deserved one. If I was anyone else, what I wanted would be off the table. But I wasn't your run-of the-mill submissive. Hell, I wasn't even a submissive.

Whatever you need. The loaded phrase played on repeat in my brain, spurring along my request. I licked my lips again and cleared my throat. Trent was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish.

"I need… you." It came out strained. Vague. My voice cracked. Why was I so nervous?

Trent squeezed my hand and ran his hand along my side. "You have me. I'm right here."

"No." I reached out with my free hand and ran it over the crotch of his slacks, biting my lip in both nerves and anticipation when I realized he was hard. "I want you. I've been stripped bare of all my armor and I can't resist you, or us, another second. Not tonight." I didn't know how long this feeling would last but I wasn't wasting it. I had no pride, no ego in this, I just wanted to be consumed by him, the man who was strong enough to let me be weak.

For a second, as he scrutinized my face, I considered he might reject me for reasons other than his morals. The thought hurt, but I resisted the walls that instinct brought up to protect myself. I shoved them down, pushed them away. I was not going to protect myself from the bad, because those walls didn't just stop the bad, they stopped everything.

He got my intention then. His eyes darkened with desire. "I normally wouldn't in a situation like this," he hedged. "This is a Rawhide-sanctioned punishment."

I nodded. "I know, but… it's over, and who I am right in this moment is someone who's no longer willing to push what we have away. There's something between us and we both know it. Whether I admit that in the light of day remains to be seen. And let's face it, there's nothing about us that fits under ‘normally'." I swallowed hard and brought my gaze up to meet his eyes again. "I… please? I really… I need you. I need your strength to fill me. Let me be yours just a little longer."