Chapter 11 - Kyle

There is not a single sound in the forest, the sky, or across the plain. Even the wind has gone quiet, as if its soft whisper would be an affront to the magnitude of this moment.

I feel so naked, I almost start trembling. It’s got nothing to do with having no clothes on. I just stripped off the first layer of my emotional armor.

“What?” Leslie says. The wilderness around us remains unnaturally still.

“Bae asked me to go undercover at Sawpit, to scope out what was happening there. He wants to avoid another incident like what happened a few years ago when they came to town and kidnapped Gina.”

“I don’t understand,” she says, shaking her head. “He beat that alpha—killed him. The story is legendary.”

“Yes, and at first, that looked like enough. But they started moving again, and stayed out of the way of the scouts. He wanted me to find out why.”

“So, you—I mean, you—”

“Look, Leslie,” I cut her off. “How about we head back? I’m happy to tell you what happened, but I still feel a bit exposed out here.”

She smiles. “Okay. It won’t be long until I start feeling the cold, I guess.”

I wait for her to shift, then I do, too. She races ahead of me, and I try to chase her down, but I can’t let go of my strict control, not even for a second.

If I let go, if I forget, that’s when the bad things happen.

We get back to my place, and Leslie puts some milk on the stove straight away. I grab a couple of robes and blankets while she makes hot cocoa and brings it to me. She bundles herself up in one of the robes, wrapping the blanket around herself as well. She looks so soft and cuddly, I just want to wrap my arms around her and never let go.

The only time I ever feel truly safe is when I am holding her.

“So… you joined the Sawpit Pack, and I’m guessing it was traumatic?” Leslie keeps her eyes on her cup of cocoa, obviously trying to start the topic lightly.

I sigh, shaking my head. “There is no way to dress this up, and that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you before now. They are brutal creatures. I stalked the forest around their territory for a while, waiting for them to notice me. I got jumped by three wolves. I intended to—it was the best way to make contact. I had to let them wail on me a bit, let them beat me.”

“Beat you?” she echoes, her eyes wide and glittering. I nod.

“I’m not sugar-coating this, okay? You wanted it, you got it.”

Leslie nods, her face pale. I want to stop. I don’t want these awful things in her head, but now that the first layer of armor has come off, I’m stripping down, getting to the bare bones, and I can’t stop it.

“So, yeah. I got beat up pretty bad. They dragged me back to the alpha, Jethro. It’s kind of an initiation deal to see how tough you are, but it’s also a tactic. If they drag you in half-dead, you’re no risk to the other wolves.”

“Okay,” she says softly.

My face twists, and I have to look away. The next part is even worse.

“So, pretty much straight away, you have to prove your worth. They are taking in rogue wolves, outcasts, wolves that other packs would kill on sight. They drag them in, half-dead and beaten, but as soon as you start to recover, you have to prove that you’re one of them.”

“How?” she asks, her voice full of fear.

I let out a deep sigh. “They make you hit a place for goods or money. I was lucky, I got a gas station late at night. There was only one attendant and a customer. I…”

My voice fails. I stare at the wall so hard, it looks like a black portal.

Swallow me. Get me the fuck out of here.

“What, Kyle?”

I keep looking at the wall. I can’t look at her.

“I beat both of them half to death. I swaggered out of that place with blood on my knuckles and a big grin on my face.”

Now I do look at her. I can tell she’s shocked, maybe even scared.

“My pockets were full of cash, and with the attendant down, we cleaned the place out. Anything we could load into our trucks. We even stole as much fuel as we could.”

“Fuck.”

I shrug. “This is how they operate. But I want you to know I had no choice. Even if I wanted to pull out of the mission at that point, I couldn’t. They would have hunted me down if I didn’t complete the test.”

“What happens if you don’t complete the test?”

I look away again. I can’t tell this part of the story while I’m looking at her.

“A young guy came in just before me. He said he was tough, that he wanted in. They took him to a bar late at night to test him. There were a few patrons there. Our guys wanted some liquor, they were ready to hit it. At the last moment, he chickened out.”

I pause for a breath.

“Apparently… there was a family in there. He refused to hurt them—to hurt anyone, really.”

“What happened to him?” Leslie asks. I can tell by her voice that she already has a pretty good idea.

I close my eyes briefly, trying to get the sounds out of my mind. I can’t. I can hear the growls, the excited barking… and the screaming. So much screaming.

“After they hit the bar and slaughtered everyone, anyway, they dragged him back to camp. They put him in a ring of wolves. One by one, they went in to fight him. They just kept going. Everyone was shifting back and forth, laughing and joking. Everyone was drunk or high or both. Eventually, the young guy was so injured, he couldn’t maintain his wolf shape.”

I look up at Leslie, and my eyes are burning with tears I thought I’d never shed.

“They tore him apart, Leslie. Every wolf in the pack pounced at once, and they tore him to fucking pieces.”

“Oh, Kyle,” she gasps, lurching forward to wrap her arms around me.

The comfort, the release, is so extreme that a wave of emotion floods through me, so intense that it hurts. Tears pour down my cheeks, and I just let Leslie hold me, keeping my arms wrapped around her soft waist as I bury my head in her hair.

“It’s okay now,” she says, leaning back to look into my eyes and stroke my cheek. “You’re safe. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

I nod slowly, determined not to tell her anymore. That wasn’t even the worst or most violent thing I saw while I was there. That ugliness can stay buried for eternity. There’s something else inside me that’s begging to get out, though.

“The thing is, Leslie, not all of them are bad. Some of them, yeah, evil to the marrow. They enjoy pain. Those are true monsters that have burned out their own emotions and only get relief from causing others harm. But some of them…”

“Go on, honey,” she says, rubbing my shoulders. “Keep going.”

“Some of them are just lost,” I say, my voice catching in my throat.

No one knows what it means to be lost like I do. I identified with those people. Most of them are exactly like me. So violated by darkness, at such a young age, it’s almost impossible to keep hope alive. Nothing to live for, nothing to fight for, just following the path of least pain every day.

But I had Leslie. It was the only thing that kept me sane.

“It must have been so hard for you,” she says softly. “I can’t imagine. One thing I don’t understand, though… why would Bailey put one of his own pack members in this situation? Why would he willingly traumatize you like that?”

I blink hard, shaking my head. A great, deep cavern is opening at my feet. I didn’t intend to strip down this hard. I never wanted to tell her everything.

But it’s coming out now. It’s all coming out, and I can’t stop it.

“Because I’m damaged goods,” I say with a little laugh. “I’m already fucked up and broken, so there isn’t much damage that can be done to me anymore.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, taking my hands.

I look up into her eyes. “I didn’t just leave for the mission. Yes, I was chosen for my special circumstances. Yes, I wanted to prove myself to the pack, especially Bailey. But I needed to get away from you, too.”

“Why?” she asks, pain in her voice.

I shake my head but look up to meet her eyes again.

To save you. Because I don’t deserve you!

“My parents—” my voice catches hard. For a few seconds, I can’t force out any sounds.

Start somewhere else, where it’s easier.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking. Leslie strokes my face.

“Take your time, Kyle.”

“My parents were abusive,” I choke out. “There was some messed up emotional stuff, but they would also do a few full-on things, like tie me to a chair if they thought I was being too noisy or whatever.”

“Jesus, Kyle.” Leslie covers her mouth. “Fuck.”

I nod, looking up at her. “I had a few years of hiding bruises and stuff at school. At home, they were always just screaming at each other. Both of them were abusers, and they couldn’t get control over each other. Mostly, they just took it out on me.”

Leslie shakes her head slowly. I take a deep breath, feeling every memory cutting through me like a blade through the chest.

For a minute, I can’t speak. I can hear the screaming, and the sounds of fighting. Blood splashes across my vision in my memory, and a deep groan slips out of me.

“Kyle, what happened to your parents?”

I look up at Leslie, pulling myself out of the memory.

“They killed each other. I don’t know exactly what happened. I was eight at the time. I think Dad had a baseball bat, and Mom had a knife. I—”

“Oh, God!” Leslie cries, hugging me again. “Fuck, Kyle. I’m so sorry.”

I let her hold me, soaking up that wonderful comfort that only she can give me. I’m trembling, almost sick, but in a way, I feel better than I have in a long time.

“So, I got sent to a home,” I say. “My dad, Craig, he was Derek’s brother. Derek Holt.”

“Gina’s dad,” she whispers, and I nod.

“Carla tried hard to get custody of me. I was in a special home for a while. Carla couldn’t get custody straight away. I don’t know why. I went into the foster system. I never settled down, I was just too full of rage, and I kept running away so they couldn’t put me in a hospital. I learned to live on the street.”

“Oh, Kyle,” Leslie murmurs, hugging me even tighter.

“By the time Carla finally got custody, I was almost thirteen. I couldn’t handle her love and care. I didn’t know how to accept it. Derek couldn’t stand to look at me. He’s never recovered.”

Leslie pats my back gently.

“So, I lived rough for a bit after I ran away from Carla and Derek. I came back a few years ago, ready to make amends. But even though Carla welcomed me, not many others did. I was really lucky that Bailey gave me a chance, and let me earn my place in the pack.”

Leslie pulls back, tears running down her cheeks. “You could have told me, Kyle. You could have told me some of it, at least, so I didn’t think you were abandoning me. I know it’s not easy to tell a story like this, but you shut me out. Made me feel like you didn’t love me or trust me.”

“I know!” The words burst out of me, a powerful cry of confession. “I know, and I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was the last thing I wanted to do.”

She hugs me again, and I can feel both of us trembling. I have no idea what time it is, but I know I’m completely exhausted, and she must be, too.

“We should get some rest,” I say. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. I don’t deserve you.”

Leslie shakes her head and kisses me very gently. As she pulls away, she takes my hand.

“Come to bed, Kyle.”

“What?”

“Come and sleep next to me. I don’t want you to be alone, and I want to be with you in case you have a nightmare.”

I’m so shocked, I can’t speak a word. I let her lead me down the hall to the bed. We curl up together, and Leslie pulls a blanket over both of us. As I put my arms around her and bury my face in her soft hair, I feel my entire body relaxing. My joints loosen up, and all my muscles let go. Lost in her scent and lulled by the comfort of her body, I drift off into a deep, dreamless sleep.